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| I want you, so I'm committing |
'Interesting!' is the only way I can describe seeing a man standing and a woman on a bended knee putting a ring on the man’s finger.
So what are my thoughts on this issue?
Binary gender roles really aren't kind to anyone. Remaining hairless from the eyelashes down while supplying your whole family with emotional support is about as fun as not being allowed to cry as you crumble under the expectation of financially providing for an entire household. As we continue to put gender to task, many people have realized that these strict expectations really don't serve us.
And yet, proposing remains as gendered as it ever was. A 2017 study conducted by wedding planning website The Knot found that an average of one percent of marriage proposals in straight couples are made by women. Last week, after reading a Reddit thread posing the question, "Men who have been proposed to by their girlfriends, how did you feel about it?" I began to see the beauty in a relationship where the pressure to propose doesn't fall on anyone at all, but especially not due to their gender. Intrigued by this idea, I talked to some men whose girlfriends proposed to them about how it went down and how being proposed to made them feel.
I have learned that leaving the proposing to whoever feels compelled to do it first allows for more spontaneity, agency, and creativity in a gesture that is supposed to signify spending the rest of your life with someone—you know, if you're into that sort of thing.
BROADLY: How did your girlfriend propose?
MATT: Josey and I went camping in the Adirondacks. It was peak fall and we had never been there for that and it was just shockingly glorious. So we’re driving to the hike, and Josey is acting actually annoyed that I made us late, which was different.
We hiked Cascade. It’s the smallest of the high peaks, but it’s a great hike, and a fantastic view. We get to the peak and it’s glorious, and I’m hovering around the edge taking photos. Josey pulls me aside like she wants to talk to me. My first thought is that she doesn’t like that I get too close to high edges, and that she’s going to ask me to stop doing that. Then she starts getting emotional. Then she’s fucking asking me to marry her. Josey made it clear early on in our relationship that marriage was never happening for her, and while I thought I could probably wear her down within a decade, it was not on my radar. The first words out of my mouth were, "you’re an idiot," and everyone laughed at me and pretended I was bad. And then she asked again and I said yes, and it was like both of us were filled up with something different and new. Her brother Gregory Roberts is a photographer in Columbus, OH, and he was ready with the camera, and I realized that all this was a big proposal. We all made Josey take a knee, because she wasn’t sure whether she was going to, and she asked me and I said yes, and it was beautiful and right. She gave me a plastic compass temporary engagement ring that has since been replaced with a ring befitting my demands but will be treated as sacred forever. She also gave me a leather cuff for my Apple Watch (that’s a meaningful gift for someone like me) with "will you marry me?" imprinted on it.
Did you ever think she would propose?
I was absolutely not ever expecting her to propose. I definitely did want to get married, but when she was like "no way," I asked myself why it was so important to me, and I couldn’t really come up with an answer. We were essentially married anyway. My family had long ago resigned themselves to the idea that I would never get married, so that didn’t matter.
How did it make you feel? I know that some women worry that their partner may find the experience emasculating, was that true for you?
It was a dizzying kind of surreal joy the likes of which I’ve never felt before. I certainly didn’t feel emasculated—I don’t care about that stuff. I mean, yeah, I was raised in western Pennsylvania in the 1980s, so I definitely have that man thing inside of me, but there just came a point long ago where (often with the help of the people in my life) I started looking inward, and if I found something that I thought didn’t make sense, or if I noticed myself saying things that were messed up—like those subtle, insidious notions that men have about women that they don’t even realize are unfair—I just stopped saying and, more importantly, thinking those things. Although the other day I ordered a gold Apple Watch 4, and the only band I could get with it had to be pink, and I was surprised that I felt kind of insecure like I was buying a girls’ watch or something. But hey, self-improvement is a marathon. At the same time, I do embody a number of traditional male values, just not the ones that would make me a jackass.
As a man was there a certain pressure to propose? Do you think proposals will one day become an entirely non-gendered thing?
For me, no, there was no pressure, but when I imagined the possibility of Josey and I getting engaged, it was always within the framework of me proposing to her. I think that a lot of men, and likely the vast majority, still do think of proposing as something they should do. And the same goes for a lot of women...I think it’s all about the relationship you have. My brother proposed to my sister-in-law, and that was the right thing for them. Josey proposed to me and it’s the same. I am certainly hopeful for a world in which gender-based pressure and expectations are nonexistent in every respect. At the same time, a lot of the men and women who think a man should propose are also probably not gonna be receptive, in the immediate sense, to any notion that includes the phrase "non-gendered." But I am certainly hopeful that the more people defy gender norms, and the more that sort of thing shows up in the lives and social feeds of the people who don’t, that those people will eventually soften to these ideas that seem alien to them now.
What were the reactions you got from people you told?
She had asked my parents for permission, so it was just total jubilation there. There were a couple of people on social who made jokes, and a couple who supported us but didn’t understand how I could be okay with it. Our friend Olivia Locher who blew up with her “I Fought the Law” series took our engagement photos, which were very well received by everyone in our lives, across the political spectrum, in the city and back home.
My concussion:
- Men are just not interested in doing the standard things anymore, getting down on one knee and ask her to marry him, is what his grandfather did.
- Women are tired of waiting for the man to chose them and commit to just them, these women are willing to show that they are willing to ask and even propose.
- Old school traditions are become passe and folks are thinking: “why not reverse some of the rolls that we have always adhere to.” i.e. the women who waited to be chosen in the past became spinsters.....
- Figure out what you want then go get it, ask for it, commit to having what you want, plan and do what you feel in heart is right.
- Men like to be chosen too, by the woman he would chose. It’s a many to few environment these days. Men can choose from many women or even chose to be with many women or just one. Women know there is a shortage of the type of men they want, so when they encounter the one they believe they can make it work long term with ….They think to themselves “Why wait for him to commit and show that he wants me.” You want him, so let him know that you are game. He might just think back on that moment when he was the one chosen, over the other guys sitting on the sideline waiting to be chosen.
- He might be reflecting on the days when teams were picked. Being picked first (early) makes a man feel worthy.
- So what is wrong with the picture of woman saying: “ Dude my biological clock is ticking, and I chose you to have offsprings with.” His biological clock is not ticking like a time bomb in his ears. The purpose of mating is biological. After you make a connection make your eggs available for the mix and let his 'X' or 'Y' chromosome do the work of joining with your "X" chromosome and make that gene connection.
These are not very romantic points I just listed but they are not meant to be Romantic. They are just points to think about…. When you are sitting in judgement on other folks who are getting and picking who they want. Pride of wanting to be chosen from the pool of women, means your might have your proud moments watching Netflix solo. While your BFF is picking out a wedding dress for herself and picking a maid-of-honor dress for you.
Ask a man how he feels about being proposed to, and see what he says. It’s a simple question you may even will get an answer you would like to hear.
Final thoughts.
This an old story - of a man, who had two women who wanted him. He was the new dude in town. Both women knew he was the type of guy they wanted. One even told her friends “I will marry him one day.” While the other told him “I want to marry you!” So they both did whatever he wanted for a period of time, except one realized that the man had a soft spot for women who needed him so she put herself in the position to move in with him. Therefore putting the other one ( more independent ) out of the running. Neither woman proposed to the man but one committed by living with him. After a period of time the man knew he was chosen and committed to picking out a ring, So he took her shopping and she chose the ring they both liked. He knew she got what she wanted and she was happy with their choice in a ring . The other women didn’t get chosen, because she did make him an offer.
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