Act like a lady but don't think like a man

I fell for you the moment I saw you! 

(this is just  a dream, I know I will wake soon)

I often wonder How many folks read the book “Act like a lady but think like a man” and got totally confused, thinking that a comedian could give relationship advise that was “Not Tongue in cheek”.

My guess is, too many have thought they would gain some insight that would explain the opposite sex and why behaviors are often gender specific.  Let’s assume that some of what’s in the book is correct. And our actions are often gender specific. By thinking like a man a woman will not behave Naturally like a man... Women who think they can do the things that men do, are often delusional because when “push comes to shove, they can’t do it and still sleep at night, they will be  too worried about the consequences.” Now what am I referring to, exactly? Men can have multiple sex partners on a rotation, men can be in a relationship seperately with each one of the women and have an easy time at it. Conscience free!  But women, unless they are sex workers, have a hard time doing it. Usually it takes a whole lot of soul searching before a woman can do what men can do, as far as having multiple sex partners. Men can emotionally detach themselves from the feelings of having multiple partners and avoid feeling guilty … simple because men put things in boxes in their brains makimg sure these boxes don’t touch or overlap. We can keep our emotions, for each woman seperated.. However Men can not handle being emotionally attached to woman who has him in the sex rotation, with multiple men. Men become possessive when we consider the woman “My woman”. So what’s the difference…. The differences  are that woman can form easier attachment and stay faithful, while men can only become attached after we have fallen in love.. And have bonded with a specific woman. Once a man has bonded with her….. he is not willing to share her,  with another man! Women are often not crazy about sharing either but they will… due to circumstances beyond their control. A woman would shrugg her shoulders and say to her girlfriends “I know he has another woman, but what can I do about it?”    Her girlfriend will tell her: “girl just leave him, and find someone else who  will  be monogimus!” really? It’s simply  not that easy, for women to find someone else just like that. Women who have been “cheated on” will have that emotional resentment burning in them for a very long periods of time. Every new man she meets becomes “that guy( who will most likely in her mind  cheat on her … even if he is not going to” Trust once broken will take a long time to be regained. 

Now you might ask isn’t it the same way for men also? Yeah but it does not happen the same way. Men think that women will not cheat easily, where as women feel  men will cheat easier men can do it like just rolling the dice in a crap game. If he rolls a 7 he will roll again. Again and again until he  loses  all that he has. SMDH. You need to learn when to quite gambling…. but it’s hard to do when you are on a roll and become addicted. Variety is sometimes the spice that some men crave. Where as women do not crave variety on that same level. This is the major difference.

 I have seen women who are happy in relationships admire other men. But will not entertain the possibility of getting with that man she admires, because she is in a relationship that satisfies most of her needs. It will take a whole lot for her to stepout and cheat on her man. Once we understand that “Women can NOT think like a man and still act like a lady” we will get the full picture. 

    

We simply  can NOT think alike!

Black women are at the intersectio

Living at the intersection of racism and sexism is far from easy. Black Women are discriminated against for being Black and for being women, and they exist in both identities at all times. The story of Black women at work and in life is one of resilience. Despite the challenges and barriers in their way, women have accomplished so much and continue to make amazing strides. Black Women are becoming highly educated. They are ambitious. They are business owners forging their own paths. Their drive to succeed is often not just for themselves, but also to lift up their communities 

Working at the intersection: What Black women are up against

Black women face vast obstacles due to

I’ve come here  to fix things that are not going right!

Outside of work, black women are at the forefront of social change. As the National Women’s Law Center has stated, “Almost all social justice movements were and are carried on the backs of  women of color.” 

Black Women, especially, contributions to culture—in academia, literature, music, fashion, social media, feminism, and so much more—are undeniable. 

And women challenge society to be better. As Maya Angelou said in 1978, “Out of the huts of history’s shame, I rise. Up from a past that’s rooted in pain, I rise.” Women rise.

More than a few Black Women are highly educated.

• Black women enroll in college at higher rates than men overall and—most notably—at higher rates than white men

• Between 2004 and 2014, the share of Black women with a bachelor’s degree or higher have increased by 24%

Black women are ambitious—for themselves and they try to make the workplace better for others.

• As many Black women as white men (41%) say that they want to become top executives

• Of Black women who wants to become top executives, about half—more than any other ethnic group of women—say they are motivated by the desire to be role models for others like themselves.

• More than half of Black women who want to become top executives also say that they are driven by a desire to influence the culture of their workplace—again, they are more likely than any other ethnic group of women to name this as a motivation.

Final thought

Black Women are the fastest-rising entrepreneurial group among women.

• Between 1997 and 2017, the number of Black women–owned businesses grew by more than 600%, compared to just 39% for white women–owned businesses and 114% for women-owned businesses overall

Systemic Racism at Work

Black women are successful in many ways, but their achievements are in spite of glaring inequality in society—including the workplace. For the last five years, research has shown in so many different ways, Black women have a harder and worse experience than almost everyone else. Black Women are overrepresented in minimum-wage jobs. Black Women hired and promoted more slowly. Black Women are often the only  woman in the room and experience a greater variety of microaggressions than women of other ethnicities. And Black women are paid less than men and most other groups of women.

Black Women are over represented in minimum-wage jobs and almost nonexistent in the C-suite.

• Black women make up 7% of the total workforce but account for 12% of minimum-wage earners

• Only 21% of C-suite leaders are women, only 4% are women of color, and only 1% are Black women

• Not a single Fortune 500 or S&P 500 company has a Black woman CEO (as of June 19, 2020)

Black women face bias and systemic barriers in hiring and promotions.

• For every 100 men hired into manager roles, only 64 Black women are hired

• For every 100 men promoted to manager, only 58 Black women are promoted

• 47% of Black transgender women report being fired, denied a promotion, or not hired because of their gender identity

Black Women mobilize communities, friends, and families to vote.

• In 2018, 84% of Black women voters said they’d talked to their friends and family about voting, the highest percentage of any ethnic group

• Black women also tend to vote at higher rates than other groups. Despite voter suppression, eligible Black women voted at rates 6 percentage points above the national average in 2018

Final thoughts

Black women often have a problem with doubt. “Doubt” which  causes acts of resistance. They doubt that Love is pure coming from men who they do not feel they can trust to be sincere.  So what has been happening is that women are turning to other women for Love and sincere affections. They don’t want to have relationships that will most likely fail.  Their needs are often met physically, as sex toys can do the trick, hugging and kissing another women can not do any harm, like a man who can  get the woman pregnant and then leave her to deal with raising her child all by herself.  

Do men really fall in love with women who challenge them?

If you are trying to get your act together, as a man you may not really know the answer to the caption question. Unless you have been in a relationship with an accomplished  self empowered  woman.  As men we know how to “chase” who we think we want  but do we know what to do when she slows down or even stops and lets us catch up. Many women are stepping up to new levels these days. And many guys are not quite there on their levels,  yet. So what happens if she falls for a guy not on her level. Can he handle the challenges that come with her already being where he is trying to get to. Maybe Oprah and Steadman are perfect examples as to what  catching up to her really means……. Some men never catch-up to an accomplished woman level if  she keeps moving forward.

Now we all want the best person on our arm, but if she drives a luxury  car and lives ia better house than the man, for example, and his car is not as stylish. Do you, as man, go to pick her up and feel comfortable if she says: “ let’s take my car in stead of yours. We can leave your car here and you can drive it home after our date!”

OK that message is very clear she has created a picture of  a position of being more powerful than his. The message  should be even  clearer by how is it received (by him.) 

That  feelings of not measuring up to her can cause a man to retreat and not want to try as hard to make the relationship even get out of blocks to a possibility  of “forever after!” Maya Angeloe stated it best “ you may not remember what they said, but you will remember how they made you feel.” We are all sensitive beings but men have been taught over the years to be tough “don’t show your real feels, don’t let the other person know how they made your feel insecure and never let them see you sweat.”   

Don’t get me wrong an immature man would think, “OK, great. I get to drive her car, and it’s a Bentley.” But most guys that have a large ego might not want to be seen as a gigaloe in her car, he might think ti himself his friends will see him as her chauffeur. So what’s the big deal? It’s all in the perception, who is the lower hanging fruit in your relationship. She can feel quite OK with you as her man driving her car, but it’s her car. You will not let you for get it. “Put the seat back in the position that I had it.”     

Standard that have been established over the years (by men) have now started to erode. Men sometimes feel like the odds are stacked again them. Women are now feeling empowered. So what can two people do that are in these positions. Let’s ask Michelle Obama and Barack Obama… They started out as Michelle having the a job that made her his superior, for a time. He drove a beat up car, that had holes in the floor board. Picture her driving with him in that car and her questioning if she wanted to be seen in that car with him, to them  years later being driven in President of the USA’s vehicle, and on Marine One from the white house lawn to  flying on US One (around the country and world). So how did they make that happen? By being a team, she sacrifies her career for his drive to be all that he can be.  If you don’t know that delayed gratification comes with the price of sacrifies  up front. Not  insisting that the other person has to be “what and who” you want them to be. Might not work out well for either of you.   

“The audacity of hope” (chapter 9 ‘Family’)  leads to “change we can believe in”  

Now I will read….. 

“Becoming Michelle Obama “   

You see she was Michelle Robinson when they started out as equals, she is now perfectly happy with being Michelle Obama. She may have kept her maiden name if he had not become the leader of the Free World for 8 years. OK I’m not reaching here. Hillary was Hillary Clinton, when Bill was Governor Clinton  for years then Bill had a few scandals and she suddenly became Hillary Rhodam Clinton, after he was president Clinton. Well “She stands by her man” but her identity is now of an independent self empowered woman who is partnering with her Husband. If she had become President then she would have been the current leader of the Free World. NOT him! The would have been introduced as President Hillary Rhodam Clinton  and Mr. former President Wiliam Clinton. Slick Willy would have kept his credentials but she would not longer be in his shadow.        

Women may have thoughts about blind dates, and so should men.

Why is deciding on if I should go on this blind date so difficult

Women may have thoughts about blind dates, and so should men.

Should a woman trust a dating website or not?

I sure think so, but there are definitely some people out there who don’t agree. Here’s the thing with me… My spare time is precious. I work Monday - Friday, and some days are 14 hours. I don’t want to waste time going on blind dates, not knowing what the person looks like, or at least a little something about their hobbies, personal beliefs, etc. An online dating profile gives me the ability to weed out the chaff and focus my efforts on meeting people that I appear to have something in common with and that I find attractive. Yes, sometimes even online dating is no guarantee of that because people can lie on their profiles or use really old (or even fake) photos. Nothing would piss me off more than being set up on a blind date and going through all the efforts to get ready for that, setting aside time, maybe getting dressed up, trying to find a place to meet, etc, only to find out the woman I’m meeting is a Trump supporter, or is extremely religious, or is uneducated, or is a racist. I don’t care if she looks like Charlize Theron, those are non-starters for me. Why risk wasting my precious time on something like that when I can have a much better chance meeting somebody I have things in common with thru online dating?

Definitely, in online dating on most of the platforms you will find real people with the verified accounts. So you can be sure that you’re talking to a real human and can ask any questions you want. And after that you can arrange a first date/meeting and, of course, it would be much better than blind dating.

Any case, I suggest to use only trusted apps, which have a profiles verification

 

 

The need for distance is felt differently by men and women

This no longer feels “right,” he just keeps walking away from me!

Women often try to turn their lives around after they have felt they were betrayed or rejected (a breakup has a lasting effect on women.)  She may have had a relationship that painted “the perfect picture…” a romance that had her thinking she had found a “perfect match!” But then it took a devasting turn, she will have to find major strength to recover, from a new chain of events. A woman must fight to escape a new dangerous web of secrets (her secrets, his secrets) to start fresh again. Can she keep her dark moments in her past hidden while opening up her heart again? Find a  new conbustible blend of romance, intrigue, and suspense that  will “boggle her mind right up until the bombshell climax errupts of new love is expressed to her’

It may be her second or third chance at love  but she needs to deceipher if it’s a tale of luste --- full illicit temptations, just a crush or real true love….she needs to know before she’s willing give a new love possibility, a shot. She can’t just throw caution to the wind and jump  into a realtionship, and have new regrets all over again.

Men on the other hand have rubber band instincts even though we may have felt rejection or even betrayed in a previous relationship(s) we don’t need the reassurance of the words like 

”Trust Me, I’m different” coming from  a new love interest. We men will through caution to the wind in hope that this time itwill workout.

Both men and women Doubt their partner’s love sometimes 

Without an full understanding of the many cycles in relationships it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt their partners love for them. Without seeing how a woman can inadvertently prevent men from finding their passion in life,(by asking/telling the man to behave the way she expect him to,or the man commanding the woman to be who he wants her to be)  they often simply assume  that their man/woman will be the same all the time as when he was  “chasing her.” SMDH  the chase is a challenge, but establishing a new relationship brings on an all together new set of challenges.  Feeling a continuous strong  need for her presence, can and will overwhelm a man at times. She wants him to have eyes for her only. But when he needs to pull back she misinterprets his behavior as he is  now interested in someone else not just something else that may have nothing to do with her or another woman. Something else  could be many different things, a job situation going well or not going well, a desire to have a new set of challenges, a need for a few new set of buddies to hangout with. Ladies it’s not always about “sex” and chasing a new female. This is how women misinterpret men’s behaviors. To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. 

What does that mean?

Men may just need “some space” or “need to be alone, to collect their thoughts and understand their true feelings  for a period of time” regardless of how it is described, when a man retreats, he is fullfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while. Just like we don not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to retreat. It is an instinctual urge. Men can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself. At that point he begins to feel his need for autonomy  and begins his retreat for better positioning. 

OK, so why do men pull away when women want to get close? 

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons:

• A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will attempt to establish their intimate connections and say the Magic words “Let’s talk”. Hmmm! he hears this and he continues to pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t want her,  that he does not  care for her, “woman!”, he just does not want to talk.”

• When women open up and share deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man’s need to retreat, and distance himself from her. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bell goes off, saying to himself it is time to find balance by retreating for better positioning. At the most intimate moment a man may suddently automatically switch to his  reverse gear to feeling his need for autonomy.

If one person is hurt, they may not realize that they are still being cared about from a distance!

Have I confused you, yet?  

It is baffling to a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does things that often triggers his sudden need for departure (She feels instant rejection) Generally  when a woman starts to talk about things with feelings her man starts to feel this urge to pull back. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and when a man gets too close he hits the reverse gear. It’s not that he does not want to hear about her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close to her, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

Yeah men are all  BAD, for not even understanding these cycles themselves, so how could women understand them!

I got it now, he first  needed “some space” to get his needs to be closer activated!

When he starts Feeling the need to be closer to her, it will come when he has  stretched his distance to the limit, which may result in him not being able to think about nothing and nobody else. Go figure!  A man needs to build up his desire for her, to want to be with her by first creating a stretched to the limits distance from her, whereas a woman often resists the urge to run into his arms in the beginning just long enough to feel like “his chase is real” and just not what he does to every women he meets. She wants to be that “special lady” not just another “lady” that he will be a notch as a conquest on his belt. 

Men and women generally are unaware that we typicall have different emotional needs. As a result we do not instictively know how to support each other, Men typically give women in a relationship, what men want for themselves, and women give what women want for themselves. Each sex mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result we both end up dissatified and even resentful. 

So how do we fix it?

Lets Start by understanding that the primary Love needs of Women and Men are different

Women need to receive: 1 Caring

Men need to receive: 01Trust

Women need to receive: 2 Understanding

Men need to receive:           2 Acceptance

Women need to receive: 3 Respect

Men need to receive:           3 Appreciation

Women need to receive: 4 Devotion

Men need to receive:        4 Admiration

Women need to receive: 5 Validation

Men need to receive:      5 Approval

Women need to receive:  6 Reassurance

Men need to receive:                 6 Encouragement

Once both sexes understand that each have 6 needs. What is needed from each other, do not overlap, we need to compromise so that we  can move forward with less misunderstandings.

     

A wise man will not even try to find the answer

Let’s not even go there… I’ve never tried to figured it out. Simply because the answer does not ever stay fixed, or static, in the case of dealing with a woman. It will always keep changing. So how do I know this?  I’m a experienced computer Systems Analyst. And I have designed and written computer programs that have gone into infinimit loops, I did it on purpose a few time just to see what would happen, I never found the condition that there is no answer to that is logical, or a path you can take to satisfy that answer that keeps changing when every condition changes everytime you believe you have hit the one condition that you believe that will answer that question is no longer the case. Crash, program failure!

OK. she does not like it when, I, as a man analysis her actions. 

But I should automatically know what she is thinking, at all times. Huh?  How?

 “The greatest question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer ...is, “what does a woman want?”~Sigmund Freud

As I practice writing and exploring my own feelings I often discover that generally, I can get upset with a woman for different reasons than I first think. By experiencing and feeling the deeper reasons, negativity tends to creep in and then  disappear, from time to time. Just as I suddenly can be gripped by negative emotions I can also suddenly release them. These are a few examples, I have that illustrates what I’m writing about: 

• Years ago … one morning I woke up feeling annoyed with my partner. Whatever she did disturb me for the first few hours. As I wrote her a text msg later I discovered that I was really upset with my mother for being so controlling when I was growing up. These feelings were just coming up because I had dreamed about my mom the night before and she was scolding me for something I neglected to do. As I texted my lady a love note I imagined I was back when I was feeling controlled, I instantly knew I was not in that situation at that point in time. After I texted the msgs suddenly I was no longer upset with my lady. 

• Whenever,  my profession was very demanding. I was always busy trying to meet a deadline at work. When I came home my now ex-wife felt extremely resentful and angry  because I was late coming home. One part of her understood the presure  I was under, but emotionally she was still angry at me. She wrote me a letter, I found it the other day as I was going through some of my old papers. In her letter, she wrote she discovered that she was angry with her father for leaving her to grow up with a mother that resented having given birth to her as a teenage mother. As a child, she had felt powerless and abandoned most of the time, as her mother left her with her grandmother as she had to go to work, and these feelings were again coming up to be healed. She wrote a letter to me telling me about my not being home on time for dinner with the family….(which was only  sometimes, not all of the time) and she didn’t like it. Which made her angry at me (because of her father and mother’s neglect).  I hope she has gotten over it because I’m no longer in the picture.

 

• Women can think about the words she wants to hear as a good thing. Until a man says the “I love you” <smiling> and if he then tells her he wants to make a commitment. The next thing that happens is her mood suddenly changes. She begins to have a lot of doubts and her passion disappears, As she discovers that she was now angry with her father, for example, for being so passive and hurting her mother. She has to release her negative feeling before she can feel attracted to her guy again. 

Final thoughts 

  

Just as love or anger may bring up our past unresolved feeling, so does getting what you want, bring doubt in to play. I remember when I first learned about this. Many years ago I began to see a pattern in many situations. When I was challenged I was at my best at solving problems. When I wasn’t challenged --- not so much. My creativity needed to be challenged…. when things are too easy I get a bit laxed, with a  BAD attitude. And do not give things, including relationships my best efforts....