A man is often confused by the many comparisons
You are just like….?
Men through out the ages have heard it so many times that they are “just like someone,” be it their fathers, other members of their community, their race,their gender.
Men from the time they are born are being compared to others. You look like your dad, your grandfather, “you behave like all the other men I’ve known”, “You are this or that just like,,,,”
Why is this such an association problem? It is somewhat simple, to figure out if you take the time to understand what is happening. Many young black men grow up not really knowing their fathers, their only point of reference is what they were told by others, be it their mothers or grandmothers and even strangers.
Men have to analyze what all of these comparison really are doing to them mentally. If a man is just like someone, that the speaker admires then it’s a good thing, but if it’s the reverse then it’s a bad thing. Women do it and do not know how damaging this can become, because these triggers are loaded with false narratives.
A quick story: while I was growing up, I was often told that I looked like my grandfather (my mother’s father) he was an outstanding man in her mind, with very few flaws/faults, she admired his looks, his gentle manner, how he worked hard to raise her and her siblings (at that time 3 daughters and 1 son), so she married a man who had many of these same qualities except one that she never told me much about. My grandfather was a womanizer. I learned later that he had various sets of off-springs. My father was not a womanizer, so she was able to marry a man that treated her well, and raise their one son ( yours truly) who was born 2 days before his birthday. So we were the same sign. She would often compare my talents to my dad’s and I liked hearing that because my dad was a builder, he was creative and could make stuff etc.. So once again her comparing me to these two men had postive effect on my self image. But in my teenage years, I realized and heard about and met my grandfather’s multiple sets of off-springs. Aunts and uncles that were not my grand mother’s children. Some I got to know and others I just heard stories about. So after I left home, and went to N.Y to college, these images of these two men swirled around in my head. Who was I really like? was I truly like either of them or both? I figured I could get away with being a womanizer in a big city, multiple boroughs to move around in. Multiple types of women and even multiple cultures to explore. The one common identity stamp that I have was that I was very versatile, both my grandfather and father were multi-lingual as was I. They both had traveled to the Dominican Republic in their youth live in communities that were not where the originated. Well so I was just like them in that sense. If I was like my grandfather then I would use the skills I received from him via DNA, and if I was like my father then I would use the skills I received from him via his DNA. My father was a mr fixit ,mr. build whatever. My grand father was Mr. smooth gifted in attracting women. My question that I’m now faced with what did I pass on to my two sons? My first son looked a lot like me. As a matter of fact I placed my and his baby pictures in a frame side by side, people would ask me if I had a twin brother or was my son a twin. Whereas my second son looks more like my father, he does not look exactly like me, he has some of his mothers features also, so what did they receive from whom? Now that I’m divorced I often wonder what their mother told them, in the years after I left. I’m still close to both of my sons. So I still had/have some influence over them. As does their mother. They are grown men now, with their own lives and style of doing things. They are better men than I was, at their ages, in my view. They were both born when their parents were happily married so they only saw me with one woman. Well that changed after the divorce.
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