Habits of a Happy relationship!

Lets start by first defining what we all want. Unless you are narcissistic!.

Stand at the waters edge and K.I.S.S

#1 Settle disputes peacefully
When you feel anger, avoid saying or yelling words you can't take back, instead have a planned agreement that you each will back away. I believe the K.I.S.S principle works well here.

#2 Spend quality time Together
Make time for each other. With busy schedules we often forget to relax and enjoy others. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart. Ignoring someone, often hurts more than angry words! Carve out special time for just the two of you once a week.

#3 Appreciate and Help each other Grow
Having an open appreciation for your significant other leads to a productive, fulfilling and peaceful union. Cheer for their victories. Celebrate their accomplishments, and encourage their goals and ambitions! Challenge them to be the best they can be.

#4 Live with Integrity
Trust in each other and know you haven’t been used or taken advantage of, it creates inner peace and security. Lies fester, but the truth heals or prevents trouble. Live daily with fairness, integrity and reliability.

#5 Be Loyal and Devoted
True love and real friendship are not about being inseparable. Love is about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty is everything

#6 Love and Respect each Other as Individuals

Say things like:" I respect your opinion even when I disagree with it"

Our first and last love is self-love. Don’t rely on your significant other, or anyone else, for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself, no one else will be able to either.


#7 Lend Support during the Good Times and BAD
Be there through the good, bad, happy, and sad times too. Trust that you can count on each other, and be available not only when it’s convenient, but when it's needed most.

#8 Understand: Every Relationship is Different
Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s, especially that random couple whose relationship seems perfect. Every couple makes their own love rules, love agreements, and love habits. Just focus on you two, and make your relationship the best it can be!

#9 An Emphasis on Communication and Listening

When one of you is angry. be the one to soothe the savage beast

No one is a mind-reader so your partner won't be able to figure out how you’re feeling. Be specific and clear with yourself on what you want and make an effort to discover what your partner’s needs are.

#10 Turn Negatives into Positives
Problems in a relationship can be broken down into numbers. If you're both honest with each other and within yourselves, logically look at the negatives and calmly list them. Work together as a team to tackle each negative, one by one.  find ways to soothe savage beast!


#11 Work on Thoughtfulness Every Day
People who are in successful relationships nourish their partnerships regularly. They don’t set their life on cruise control. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner’s life better?” Little bits of effort every day will accumulate over time and make a big difference.

#12 Have Realistic Expectations
Real relationships are not what you see in the movies. They happen because each person values the other and are willing to make an investment of time into the partnership.
They understand, not all days are passionate and romantic.. rough spots will require good communication.

Say words like: " Let me listen your heart beat"   this can go a long way

You've got a good woman, try not to blow it?

Good women aren't nearly as hard to find as good men. But even though they're approached often, when they're happy with what they have at home, they don't entertain outside offers.
Secure Women look at  being  approached as a form of flattery that They can do without!

So you think I'm hot... thanks but no thanks

Unlike some women who only want a made man, good women have the ability to invest themselves into your dream as they build their own. So as long as you already have a plan and the drive to achieve it.

It's easy to go out and find women that will stroke your ego even to a fault, but a woman who loves you so much she'll tell you what don't want to hear, but need to, is much better.

So we are done?  

At the first sign of trouble, some women will leave you out dry. They want nothing else to do with you. But good women are able to speak life into the vision you once had and help you keep it alive

With a good woman, their eyes are on your heart, not your wallet, and not your status. Her affection comes from a place of long term commitment, not flimsy admiration that could be gone tomorrow. That's something you can trust in.

You are the one for me, baby!

It may seem cool to your friends that you were desirable by many women, but we all know that sex with feelings involved trumps all. When a woman knows your body, everything that you like AND reserves her body for you and only you, nothing can compare.

Non-sexual intimacy, is a good thing!

I can still feel his arms around!

 This may be the first time you have heard the term used, but trust me  it is a principle that most (if not all) women embrace. It involves any kind of intimacy that isn’t centered around sex. It can include making time to talk, cuddling, engaging in fun activities together, and so on. Non-sexual intimacy is essential in a relationship, and here are some reasons why we men need to make it happen more often.  Let me  start things off by making something very clear. If a person is not prepared to embrace the needs and genuine desires of their partner, then they should not get into a sexual relationship. People have to understand and be willing to provide what their partner needs more of in their relationship. So with that said, it’s time to talk about what most men could initiate more often, and that is non-sexual intimacy. Why you ask? The following are a few good reasons:

1. It makes her feel more valued.

He is actually listening to what I have to say!

If a man views a woman as just some glorified assistant, or sex toy…”he  just messed up”. If he creates an atmosphere that makes her feel like the only time he wants to touch her is when he wants sex…”he just messed up”. The things I mentioned will make a woman feel less valued in a man’s life. That is why non-sexual intimacy is so important. It shows her that you enjoy her presence. It makes her feel like you hold her in higher regard. She will feel more secure, and it will pour the type of love and emotional fulfillment that she needs. When a woman starts to feel like she is just some interchangeable piece in her man’s life, that can kick open the door to plenty of issues. Make her feel valued, and give her the time and attention that truly speaks to her heart.

2. It can be great foreplay.

In the award-winning book How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband, it emphasizes how foreplay is not just something you do right before having sex. It is something a man should put into practice way in advance to assist in the sexual build-up within his partner. Non-sexual intimacy plays right into that approach. When a man shows his woman that he desires her outside the bedroom, it can cause her to have a greater desire for him in the bedroom (or anywhere else they don’t mind getting down and freaky). In many cases it can really turn a woman on, and it can help eliminate any possible resentment that comes from feeling like her man just views her as a piece of meat to poke. It will also allow her to feel more comfortable and open with her partner sexually, which is a huge key to creating above average sex for both parties in a relationship.

I can't stop thinking about him. But let's keep it a secret!

3. It can help you grow closer together.

When people mainly focus on sex, it can hinder their ability to nurture a greater foundation in their relationship; the ability to enjoy each other’s presence, and be friends as well as lovers. Non-sexual intimacy will do plenty in helping a couple bond and grow closer together. It will allow for more time to be put into getting in tune with each other. Connecting on a deeper level, and growing closer together in that marriage. Because it helps in the areas of emotional and sexual fulfillment, it will allow both parties to get what they need, and therefore create a much happier marriage. Neglecting non-sexual intimacy can drive a huge wedge between husband and wife, and that will only lead to negativity taking over that marriage. The significance of bonding continuously in marriage is huge, and certainly not something any husband should overlook.

I can't stop thinking about our last exchange of thoughts!

Non-sexual intimacy may seem foreign to some, and there may be men that don’t think it’s that important, at all. I’m here to tell you that holding on to that perspective will likely lead you into an unhappy and un-fulfilling relationships. A man should be mindful of what his partner needs, and understand that what specifically speaks to her heart can vary from one woman to other women. So talk to her, as well as experiment with some ideas, which will put a smile on her face, and in turn it will make it even easier for her to make her man smile as well.

Words from an experienced Brotha : "Sometimes women just want to be held, shown attention and listened to attentively." Sometimes a soft peck on the lips or the forehead ( this my signature move)  as you pull her closer and squeeze tighter makes her feel like there’s no better place to be (safe). Sometimes randomly bringing home her favorite candy bar, chocolate, ice cream or pack of gum creates a smile you could not have imagined. Having her preferred wine, juice or drink of choice in the fridge shows you care about her and it’s not about you! Take the time to really get to know her, her likes and dislikes so she feels special and understands how much she means to you! Women: You should pay attention and cater to your man as well! Non-sexual intimacy can be just what your relationship needs.

Signs He's is Only Interested in Sex!

As the holidays are just around the corner, we should all  recognize the signs as you are last of on someones  list here are a few things that might make you think: "huummm"

1.He only texts you after 11 p.m. and  hints that it's booty call time It's a scientific fact that all booty calls happen after 11 p.m. All those cars you see driving around after 10:59 pm ? People out on the streets past 11? They're most of them it not all  on their way to a booty call.

2. He gets frustrated when you invite him over to watch a movie and actually just want to watch a movie. Most guys would be like, "Alright, cool. If I can't have sex, I guess actually getting to watch  " The Hunger Games" in the entirety: Catching Fire is a pretty good consolation prize." But when you swat away his thigh-climbing hand he's suddenly tired and has to leave, maybe  to the other chicks house. Players always have a backup waiting  on the other side of town.

3. You never meet his or her  friends. The less information you have about him, the easier it is for him to ghost you. If you don't know who he hangs out with, or where he lives, or what his last name is, he can disappear like a phantom into the night. A phantom who banged you a bunch of times and then stopped answering your texts msgs., which would make for a  Broadway play than the kind of phantom that hangs out at the  operas. But a phantom nonetheless.

4.They makes it really hard for you to sleep over. He never straight-up says you have to leave (That wouldn't get .him a next hookup!) but he always has a "thing" really early the next morning. A "thing with friends" or "a work thing" or "some family thing." You know families don't have picnics at 5 a.m. RIGHT?

5. They always hands you everything before you leave. Did you forget your bra? Some lipstick? Your purse? A single bobby pin? If you never forget anything there, you can never have an excuse to show up when he doesn't want you to. If you tried to show up unsolicited anyway, you'd probably find the place abandoned and boarded up, and some neighbor would tell you, "Why, that place has been abandoned for years!" like some episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark."

6. You've never go on a real date. Dates are for men who consider themselves boyfriends, not men who consider themselves booty call buddies or fiends with major benefits.

7. He always insists on splitting the cost of the pizza you ordered. If one of you doesn't pay for the pizza, it can't be considered a date. He will follow #6 if it kills him.

8. He's "busy" whenever you text him about something personal or emotional. Who has time to pause his game of Madden to talk to you about things like how you feel? If your text about your grandma passing away isn't attached to a sexy picture, he won't even bother opening it. Guys who just want you for sex aren't going to spend time playing the boyfriend.


9. He always tries to initiate sex when you hang out. An easy way to tell the difference between guys who like having sex with you a lot and guys who only like having sex with you is this: Think back to a time when the two of you were together but weren't having sex for more than an hour. If you can't do that, he only wants you for sex.

10. The only thing he's ever bought you that could be considered romantic is a vibrator/massage device. He was like, "Hey, I have a surprise for you," and you could hear a faint vibration, honestly expected you to be pumped about it. winks and says: "So  that you can get ready before I get here!"

11. Every conversation turns flirty/sexual. Every time you talk or text, it immediately turns into a conversation about having sex. He's stopped even trying to be witty about it. "Oh, you're at the grocery store right now, or are you visiting your mom again? I sure would like to have sex with you … at the grocery store, but not at your parents house! <smirking>

12. He texts you to meet up with a group, but wants to go back to your place or his place as soon as you get there. You might think you're about to meet all of his friends at some bar, but when you get there, he's already waiting outside with his coat and some condoms.





13. He only compliments your looks. He loves your BUTT but not your sense of humor. You always look "hot" but never "gorgeous." If his compliments are superficial at best and gross at worst, he's Just Not That Into YOU.

14. When he comes over, he heads straight for the bedroom. There's no loitering in the kitchen or hanging out in the living room with this guy. He has streamlined the process of sex-having by eliminating or minimizing the chitchat or talk about your day. He's like the Philip Glass of booty calls (that was a joke about the minimalist art movement that someone's dad will probably find funny).

Giving their past history, you’re right to be worried! Since they believe monogamy is unnatural!

If Being Married Is So Great, Why Do So Many Married People Cheat? 

I think people will have better marriages when they start understanding that the work has to be done before the ceremony. Exchanging vows and placing a ring on your partner's finger does not magically transform them into compatible life partners. What Do You Think? ~  Michael Baisden a quote

Some people believe monogamy is unnatural, especially for men and women who want non stop attention. My response to that is, it’s not about monogamy; it’s about honesty. If you know you want to have sex with multiple partners then communicate that to your significant other and give them a choice to be involved or not. It’s not that simple! But at least it will not come as a big surprise to them when cheating occurs. 

How could you sleep with that B!tch, she is so.... slutty.

However, there’s a reason why people lie about their affairs and it’s not just greed, insecurity, or even immaturity. The root of infidelity is the avoidance of accountability. Stay with me because this is about to get deep.

Accountability in an open relationship is not easy because once it’s revealed that there are more players in the game the stakes may be raised, such as a demand for equal time, equal money being spent, and most importantly, the option to see other people. I mean, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? And we know men don’t like to share, even though they’re cheating. Ain’t that a trip?

OK same time next month?

I advise women who are faced with infidelity not to focus on who or how many women their man is having sex with but instead challenge him on the basis of his resources and consistency. Men get away with cheating because women allow them to slack off on their financial responsibilities, i.e. proper dating and not helping out with financial emergencies, and most importantly, slacking off sexually.

The reality is most men can’t handle one woman let alone two or three but cheating is easy when women allow themselves to be cheap dates and men can be duds in the bedroom without repercussions. Yes, cheating is wrong, but if you’re man is going to play insist that he play like a pro and that’s starts with honesty, accountability, and consistency. having said all that.... woman however can handle multiple men. a whole lot easier. She can setup sex only dates with another cheater, and play  innocent at home and their spouse will never be the wiser. do women do that.....? In today's world hell, Yeah! Women are great multi- taskers. When a woman  wants non-stop attention, and she  doesn't get it in one relationship she starts thinking that guy at work might be the  right guy to cheat with, because he will be discrete as  he also has a lot to loose if we get caught.... .  something to think about if she is hanging with friends on Friday's for happy hour not all the time but specific weekends every month,,,, Huh? Just made you think didn't I.     

Are you a Ride or Die Chick!

A woman, I know, explains to me how she is having issues with her boyfriend and they constantly get into arguments and negative behavior. They have been together for some years now and have had good and bad times (for the record almost every relationship has “good times” so let’s stop using that as the basis for holding on). She then says how she has stuck by him through it all; financial issues, verbal abuse, and all the other women because she is a ride or die chick.

Ok, let’s stop right there. Do you see what this woman did? She basically used the glorified label of a ride or die chick to validate and defend her staying in an unhealthy relationship. Let me make this clear, it is in my opinion that you don’t get a badge of honor for sticking through bullsh!t. You are not exhibiting strength by holding on to a man who treats you like crap and/or disrespects you consistently by having other women. You don’t earn points for this at all, just a lot of pain, frustration, emotional damage, and more time that you are not getting what you truly deserve. Don’t get me wrong, I do think there are some things that I feel deserves a lot of admiration when a woman works through it all, and hangs in there.

A ride or die chick to me doesn't drop her man because his money isn't right. She understands that we all go through rough times and what that man needs right now is your love and support. At the same time she doesn't hold on to some man who wants to sit his ass on the couch and make no effort to provide for the couple. He should have a desire to make something of his life and if not then you should not be expected to sit there and be his mother.

A ride or die chick to me won’t allow others to destroy her relationship. She will stick by her man and the relationship will stand or fall based on his actions not the words and actions of others. On the flip side she won’t just make herself oblivious to his disrespectful behavior and view others calling it out as them just “hating”. She won’t sit there and act like it’s all good when in reality it is destroying her on the inside and causing so much damage.


A ride or die chick will defend her man against other people trying to tear him down and attack him. She won’t stand for you disrespecting her man and she will have no problem checking you on the matter. Yet she doesn't sit there and let this man think his bulls**t behavior is really ok. She will have no problem addressing the issue and expecting better from her man. She will be that chick you need but she will not continue to accept him being less of a man than she needs.

 Maybe I have it wrong and a ride or die chick is truly supposed to embrace all the crap that man wants to throw at her. If this is truly your definition, then so be it, just don’t use that label like it’s a good thing when it really is not.Too many women think they are doing something special or commendable by holding on to situations that are not best for them. Sometimes it’s not even a man who does all this wrong, just a man who the woman deep inside feels is not for them regardless of how “good” a guy he might be. Ladies do not use the label of ride or die chick to hide the fact that your motivation to hold on to that relationship and that man is not really about how loyal you are. Most of you are scared and acknowledging that may help you see what you might need to do next. Many of you need to ride your behinds out of that relationship, or you will die being a chick that does not get the love and relationship that you truly deserve. This all is  just my BAD opinion.

Let's find success in the new Year by doing the basics FIRST

I'm  just being BAD... when you see my comments in Italic below. 

We can all  give people plenty of tips and tricks on how to attract the opposite sex. Many are always looking for great ways to pull it off but in that process they  overlook some very important things. Most truly desire a successful relationship but a good foundation has to be in place in order for that to happen. I’m not talking success as in just staying together because plenty of people remain in unhealthy and toxic relationships. I’m talking the success that creates a loving, positive, and fulfilling relationship in the way that all can appreciate. There are plenty of factors but here are four I feel are good to start with.

Know Yourself

Far too many times we try to run away from being single, and find someone to be with before we truly know and embrace who we are. Some feel you have to date or be inc to figure that out. I disagree, I believe you can achieve this in many other ways that don’t involve constantly getting into relationships that will likely cause more damage because you are not truly ready for one. If you don’t know and love yourself first then how can you expect someone else to truly know and properly love you as well.

 OK, let me state for the record. I don't really think that we need to fully  embrace Western cultures version of happily-ever-after.let's face it, it's had less than 50% success rate these days. If these Ethiopian couples (pic) bought into all that stuff "Of know thyself , love thyself" and know the other  person to the utmost. They would not get together at all.  All of this is designed to confuse people who are "too lost" to be in a happy relationship. Couples in the Eastern world do something right about finding happiness in their cultures. Now you might be thinking BAD has lost his mind. but bare with me. some of the folks in their culture don't even know each other when they get married (so how are we different .. we don't know the person we are marrying either in our Western world) . they start working on getting to know each other after marriage ( we are no different) . The first time they sleep together is after they have committed to be together. Our wonderful western world basically confuse people. just read the above statement again and see if it does not send you mixed signals.

Be Honest

If you start a relationship on lies then there is a very good chance it will eventually come crashing down due to more lies. Lies eventually catch up to us and in the process create an environment of doubt and mistrust that will only spread more negativity in all aspects of that relationship. I know none of us are perfect and chances are that all of us haven’t been 100% honest. We still should do better and embrace a more honest approach. Not just with that person but with ourselves as well. Ignoring the truths you feel inside is typically a  setup for living a lie you know is not best.
"OK, so telling lies is not OK. or is it OK to pick carefully the lies you tell. because we live a lie and we are expected to be honest when we meet Ms. Right and Mr. Smooth. and we expect they will tell each other the truth and nothing but the truth. This is  not a Court of Law, where you put you hand on the bible and swear like a drunken sailors in Bangkok that you are new to the dating  games. Or you have only been with one other person before... meeting who you might perceive as your next baby Dada or Mammie.    Just face it your choices in the past made you jaded, so now you are going to start over by being honest. (selective honesty, is now true honesty) REALLY?

Communication

Honesty is great but if you aren’t talking then you don’t have a chance to implement it and see how good it can be. We always hear communication is key and this is simply the truth. A relationship lacking in communication is one that is less likely to be successful. We can’t get to know each other or begin to have a greater understanding if we don’t take the time to talk to others, The other sides should feel like they can open up and express themselves. This minimizes the chances of issues lingering  and not being properly addressed. At the end of the day if we can’t talk to each other then we should not  really entertain trying to be together?
Let me be the Devil again. There is exploratory communications, Story telling communication, Confession time  communication, and Dreams and Hopes communication, and the Audacity to ask for what you want communication. Having said all that.. now you have to pick the order in which to  execute the right plan of attack. to win over the other person.  If you went to Militant academy(a person who thinks outside the box) you might get lucky and pick the right order.    


Develop a Friendship

When we are friends the other three on this list become a lot easier to accomplish. Many times dating is just an audition and the only people who go to auditions are performers. If we want to build something genuine with this person then we should  not overlook the importance of being friends with that person. When a genuine friendship is in place you are able to enjoy that person for who they are and not necessarily what they can give you. It creates a great foundation for a fun, happy, and loving relationship. If they are not the type of person you would really be good friends with then why bother trying to be their lover?

So what is your reaction when someone new tells you"I just want to develop a friendship....with you first." You feel  "REJECTION." Instant  Negative thoughts hit you right away... HELL I have enough Friends, I don't want anymore just friend! We talk like we shouldn't be  finding friendship first.... (deceiving ourselves that  this person is the ONE, we want...  before we go further  than a hand shake but we feel dejected (right away) when someone new suggests friendship =. REJECTED  when they insist they are not looking to have an intimate  relationship with you right away. 

.I believe the  TV program the VOICES has the best way of showing us how to make a choice of just listing first.(we often listen to respond instead of listening to understand.  Now think back about the person your could not stand but thought secretly they were sexy and you would like to spank then for being so BAD, now listen to that person communicate, with your back turned to them, where you can not  see their face or their body language... could you  see all of that person's true qualities? I don't know you might not like their smirk... You might prefer their wide smile (because that is your choice). Or you might think he is the Devil, or she such be a div-ah..... in the end our truths are always a selection of slightly false thoughts put in an order of expression of what will "get us over," does anyone  say that anymore. maybe if a man walk up to a woman and says "I just want to get over on you"  but really means " I just want to get over You" which statement would you really want to hear first. Or would you  believe what you chose to hear and think "the first statement" when the latter is really first. 

I believe that is a pretty strong four to focus on.(but my BAD way of seeing things, might make you think differently)  Personally I am a man and I like to write my articles in a way that people of any belief can appreciate and gain something from it. So if I added one more to the list it would be about faith and spirituality but I’ll just address that in another blog post some day. Ultimately I feel we should focus less on getting a relationship right away and more on setting up the best friendships  for us. One that can be fruitful and positive. It may take some time but it will all be worth it in the end!