How Strong is Your connection to each other?

New Cars are easy to maintain, relationships aren't like cars: Change the oil, check the belts, rotate the tires, done. Relationship maintenance is a bit more difficult. So after consulting the experts, I developed this diagnostic check to help us assess the wear and tear on your marital vows. Instead of taking your marriage into the shop and having someone else look at it, these tools are about learning to listen to the important cues in your relationship, Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart. Here's how to make sure you and your special  lady   are firing on all cylinders.

The following are a few things i have experienced... so these are  some things I know a little about. 
my perspective.

Togetherness

I really couldn't care less!

When you gingerly mention that you'd like to go away for a weekend on a buddies only trip , what is your wife's reaction? Does she hassle you about spending more time with her? If the answer is yes, breathe easy. When a woman is engaged in a relationship with all her heart, she's high-maintenance. (Uh, hooray?) But if she used to demand attention and doesn't anymore, don't chalk it up to her accepting you for who you are. She may have given up her efforts to save your connection, and moved on to her own time-consuming pursuits, things like "looking for a exit strategy, finding a lawyer, and planning a new life with out you. 

Intimacy

What are we not doing Right?

Let's think about sex for a minute( surprise, we men think about sex every other minute, but hang with me for a second) . Okay, it has been a little while—that's normal after you have Kids and have  a job that is time demanding these  are lousy aphrodisiacs. The first red flag is when there's a change in your sexual relationship, Perhaps Saturday-morning cartoons used to mean you locked yourselves in the bedroom, but now it's when she schedules manicures? What about the rare weekends when you are alone together? Does she relish those nights? Ask yourself, Is she just going through the motions and getting it over with? Men tune-in (women Lean-in)  to make sure your partner is getting what she wants.

Communication 

All couples fight.....we are not all the Honeymooners ( I just remembered Ralph Kramdon). The question to ask yourself is, What happens next? If your wife acts reasonably pleasant, do you assume she's over it and just go on with your day? If so, there could be trouble brewing. Women will brood for months about words spoken. If you've cleared the air completely......for example, if she can laugh about it now.....you're okay. If not, it's likely that she's "still hurting or expecting an apology." Warning: Pent-up resentment, is like rust, is corrosive. Therefore, I recommends approaching your wife after a blowup to ask how she's doing. Yes, it's scary, because she might blast you again, but it's better to know that there's tension than not to know.

Socializing

To single single Life!

Who is she hanging out with? If your social world involves playing basketball with other married guys, and she takes on new friends who are single....or pulls away from your married friends......you're orbiting different suns and that will make you grow apart, adding that this move is often totally unconscious, but it can be dangerous. While a married woman is inclined to offer her female friend advice on how to overcome conflict with her husband, single women are more likely to say: " Come join us!" After all, Single people love having single friends.  But don't bail on your guy friends. You need them, and they need you. I can think of Four reasons why poker night or fight night  might save your career, your marriage, your sanity and even your life.

Jealousy

I so hate you right now!

At a holiday party, you spend a few minutes chatting with a co-worker  who could pass for a model. When you get home, does your wife say, "Who was that floozy/scank?" If so, feel good about your marriage,  A hint of jealousy means that she thinks you're attractive, she expects other women to find you attractive, and she wants you all to herself. Sometimes men process a lack of jealousy as ....a free pass to flirt with other women. Think about that. If she really doesn't give a rip, it's not a good thing. It means she's less invested, She might be thinking that if you left for another woman, it wouldn't be so bad. 

Travel 

My connecting flight was delayed 

It’s entirely healthy for spouses to spend time away from each other while traveling and at home, too. Spouses are still individual people with separate identities and different interests. It’s also a great thing to let your partner miss you just a little every now and then, therefore let him or her appreciate your being around just a little more.

Or, as one married woman put it, “everything in life cannot be about the hubs. Some experiences can be for just you and the girls.” well I agree.

Clearly, for some, traveling without a spouse is a “thing.” In all the stories that I’ve shared, you may have  noticed a common denominator. The problem is always what “they” would say—what will those family members and random folks who always have something to say  when you  both go off in different directions often. Just  wondered What does your spouse think? Because if you don’t have a problem with it and the spouse doesn’t have a problem with it, is it really a problem?

What Is a Relationship Contract?

It’s always a beautiful thing when two people who have a mutual attraction toward one another can come together and agree to commit to each other in a union that will ideally shape each individual into a better person through love. In the beginning, everything is fresh and those feelings of butterflies from having something new and exciting can often lead to rushed decisions and overlooking certain habits or traits that could develop into deal breakers later in the relationship.

One common issue that sends relationships down the road of brokenness is a lack of communication. It happens too often that people dive head first into a relationship before having those necessary conversations about what the relationship standard will be. I like to call this standard the “relationship contract”.

So what exactly is in this “relationship contract” and why is it so important? I’m glad you asked! The relationship contract is a set of rules that you and your partner decide upon as the guidelines for your relationship.  A relationship can be as open and as free as you want it to be, or as discreet and closed off as you want to make it. The main focus is placing your ideas and concerns on the table to discuss them.

• What are your opinions about having  friends of the opposite sex?
• Can your partner still be involved with people they were once intimate with?
• Is this relationship one that will move towards marriage, or is it one that you just want to float with the wind to see where it goes?
• What role does social networking play in your relationship dynamic?
• Do you place pictures online of your developing love?
• Do you keep your relationship off of the social sites and live in reality?

Raise as many questions and place as many things on the table for discussion as possible. Leave no stone unturned and no topic that may be important to you not discussed. There may be some things that your partner believes that you don’t agree with, and it is at that point of disagreement that a compromise must be made before moving forward.

Do you believe in a postnup?

My perspective: A contract is a legally binding document ( so let's call it an relationship agreement  with a few exit  clauses) . We all have heard about Prenups, but not much about Postnups. ( postnups  are legal documents that's signed by the couple after they're married. This legal instrument details the couple's marital property and what would happen to those assets if they divorced or separated.)  so where am I going with this? Folks this is the 21st  century.  Gone are the days where  relationships were not complicated. Everyone came to the table in the 20th century eyes not so wide open  then were totally surprised when  the relationship didn't workout the way we had it in our heads. and there are major property distribution complications in addition to hurt feels. Why?  Simply because you didn't discuss things with the other person, what you were thinking, and visa versa.  There are studies that state that black women are not that interested in Long term relationships anymore... that's mainly  because black men have not been interested in Long term relationships for decades.  So now women are thinking  trade-in and up grades..... down the road also. Women are you really  "Thinking like a man, by being  prepared to execute the  exit  clauses ." So what do you  really want? State it in writing upfront  and give it to your Lover.  If it can't workout the way you want it to work it  will end anyway, so why not be upfront. But if it has a chance to work. then you need to give it every chance to work possible , by being upfront and very clear, about your issues.

 Have you ever lived on a street that has One way traffic (living alone)?  You only have to look one way while crossing the street when you take your dog out for a walk. This is what it is like when the stream of thoughts flowing into your head  is only coming from one side, however If you live on a street that has  bi-directional traffic,  then you always have to look both ways before crossing (twice to left and then twice to the right) to make sure it's safe. Now your own  information flow will hit you first , but then you still have to look out for the traffic coming from the opposite direction to the right  ( your Lover's information flow) If you ignore either flow then you are headed for a collision. And it may not be pretty.  An agreement can act like a traffic light at an intersection. You don't cross unless you have the green light, the yellow light starts flashing before the Red light comes on and screams "STOP ." So you will be able to follow the agreement and make choices based on what you both agreed to.  Prevention is always better than the alternative.  

               

A guy that is good Husband material

there are some qualities that makes a man a great husband, finding these traits is something every woman out there should be lucky enough to find.
for most women who are, or were married, and  want to be married being with the right man is top priority. He may not be perfect to others but you first have to see him as the best thing in your life.
There are some qualities that make some  men great  husbands, finding this trait is something every woman out there should seek. But remember, it takes two committed people to make a relationship work.

Don't tickle me!

 Now ladies I learned all this after I got divorced as I thought long and  hard about what I could have done better. Maybe I can help a few guys out there by sharing my thoughts.
Here are my  10 signs you have a potentially great husband on the line, just reel him in .

1. He stands by you through the good and bad. A very supportive guy will make a woman feel supported. Ok this is not done as easy as 1-2-3, because things can get pretty complicated in relationships these days. So if he deals with all your mood swings and does not jump over board then he will keep cruising with you.   

2. He has a sense of humor. He makes you laugh really hard , or at least smile,  with silly and funny things he does. Guys, it can be quit a challenge to keep a woman happy, but if she enjoys  your sense of humor, then you are half way there.. I was told  to my face " you are such a fool"  on more than one occasion while clowning around. I took it as a compliment!  

This would not be heaven if you weren't here
 with me to enjoy this view and this bottle of wine .

3.  He knows what loyalty is all about. A great husband knows there's only one woman who owns his heart, doesn't matter the amount of women he comes in contact with everyday. His attention he gives you.. making you  the special Lady.
Here is were we have to learn to do the hard things , Fellahs. It's easy to  chase  other women,  it is harder to stay put.... and save your energy for one "special lady." She deserves your best. Once you have declared her special.. Make her feel special by grant her your best. 
4. He know you like no other. He understands you in a deeper level than others. He know what makes you tick, what makes you sad and happy. He know your purpose in life. This is called "time invested" If a man takes the time to figure out what makes  a woman happy or sad, then he is not following someone else's script, because all women are different. A man who takes the time to be observant,  is a guy who will think before acting. therefore avoiding the things that could become deal breakers.  
5. He is very good at communicating. He talks and listens to you and gist with you about anything.
OK, let's assume, he loves you more for your mind and your accomplishment than your aesthetics/ assets. He is more interested in helping you succeed. He can offer some insight into you progressing in your chosen career.  This is called helping you to reach your full potential.  

Isn't this what the Dr ordered

6. Your safety is his top  priority. he tends to your physical and emotional needs and does all he can to protect you from harm.
This here is what real men do, anyway. but if he is doing it while dating ,  before you are in a full committed relationship then he  will  do it with more intensity when you are married.  
7. He's willing to share with you the knowledge he has. He doesn't have to prove he's the smartest or wisest but takes his time to make sure you understand what he's sharing with you.
Let's just say he has done a few things in the corporate world and has had some success, He could help you excel by warning you about a things you should avoid doing.
8. He sees you both as equals in strength and talents. He's not ashamed or afraid of you in public.
Hmmm, OK, now you might intimidate him a little but he is still proud of your strength and talents, you might even have superior skills, to his, which he will boast about you, big time, to everyone who will listen. 
9. He enjoys spending time with you. You both enjoy being in each others company and will always have a good time together.
As I'm writing this blog post I paused for moment and  just left a comment on a couple Facebook post who  I admire to the max.. as they are at a restaurant on their date night. Let's just say I want what they have. there marriage  survived while all of our  marriages ( their friends/neighbors, who live in the same gated community) ended in  divorces

Isn't this great?

10.  he never fails to admit his mistakes and apologies when he's wrong. I often refer to my feeling the sting of the hand slap as my indicator of my being wrong in an act I might have committed  in error. Ouch, I'm sorry ! I deserved that!

But the most import things  he thinks about things in terms of "just the two of us!" 

Grover Washington Jr. - Just the Two of Us

You shouldn't have to Beg your Man For Attention Because you Gained A Little Weight!’

Hey scale please stop lying

Take a breath. No matter what number is on the scale, you are beautiful, whole, perfect, and yes, STILL a “hottie.”


Ladies  You are not alone. Many women (and some men) suffer in silence when a partner loses interest after a little  body change.

Generally, when we make a long-term relationship commitment, we choose to love, honor, and cherish for a lifetime. I am not sure the nature of the promises you made with your partner, but it sounds as though that this is the kind of relationship you most likely were seeking.

To me, the real issue is what is going on with you, rather than what is happening with your partner. You gained 15 pounds in a couple of months. I am not a doctor, but that sounds to me like a large amount to gain in such a short period of time. 

Whether by personal design, lifestyle change, or health issue, there is some reason you gained the weight in the first place. Is it a hormonal change, health issue, emotional issue like depression, side effect to medication or some other cause?

Often when we gain weight for emotional reasons, it is because we feel unsafe. The weight becomes literally an insulator from the outside world. If your weight gain is due to increased eating, are you trying to numb yourself to or avoid something happening in your life?

Ideally, a romantic partner should love us no matter what happens with our bodies. The reality is that weight gain or even, sadly, body illness, is a deal-breaker for some people. I have a life coaching client who ended a relationship over her partner’s weight gain. When I asked why, she said she didn’t sign up for that. She explained, “I am not attracted to fat men. If I wanted a fat man I would have dated one in the first place.” We can judge her as superficial, but personal sexual attraction is not an interchangeable science. We are all attracted to different things.

You are all grey and you have the nerve to act like
 She is no longer attractive. 

Right now, your priority is to take care of you. See a medical doctor immediately to make sure everything is okay physically. I would also advise you to see a therapist.

As for your relationship with your man, open, honest communication is necessary ASAP. Show him this letter and see what he has to say. Of course you don’t want to throw your relationship away, but you didn’t sign up to be ignored either. You deserve to have a man who finds you irresistible. 

You say you have to beg or cry to get attention. That is unacceptable. That’s no way to live… or love.

My perspective after reading this in an online article..my mind hit Pause. and I focused on  "We take vows to  love, honor, and cherish for a lifetime" this shouldn't be so hard to help your partner overcome what is a challenging body change that they are experiencing. as far as weight gain. My mindset is if you gain inches/ weight....   you can  reverse the gains by getting some help. You shouldn't wait until you get to that weight to be eligible to be  on  the TV show "the :biggest Looser"  A Simple approaches is work at it with a little urgency and expediency . Having your partner's  encouragement is so  key to success, not boot camp drills style, but simple changes can result in  Small victories. This should be the methods used. Start with what you can help your partner accomplish. If she/he hates the fact that she/he gained weight  offering to help her/him  Loose it, This will take care of the Attention part,  you are  half way there..  Do not use references like ----"Look at how you looked back then in these pics." Or "your BFF is still so slim, like when you both where  in college."  and the worst "that pregnancy stomach has got  to go." etc. 

I had to   chased you  for years
 now it's your turn,
catch me if you can!

Try a caring approach, this  will always get the best results. When you go together to a gym get a proper diet plan for both of you. If you can't be supportive and positive then turn her over to a trainer who will use the right type of training.  Let her have the little successes, and declare victory . and then she will want to keep going until she achieves her goals. NOT  yours!  
So why do men who are involved with  women stop “chasing” them at a certain point? Why does this happen, and how can it be dealt with?My  arguments are essential that we must continually invest into relationships and create “value” — i.e., the reasons the other person is attracted to us and why they would want to stick around. In a healthy relationship, you must not only communicate that you expect this of the other person, but you must effectuate it yourself as well. Only then can a natural rhythm and yearning be created and recreated.

Just a little token to show you how proud I am of you! 

Feel the power of a renewed connection when both parties are  Happy with results of a joint venture that succeeded.  
Fellahs  think about how you will feel and how you will make her feel, when your support of your lady gave you the best result of her choice to look and feel better/. 
Sing this tune in her ear as she opens her gift you got for her after she has completed her weight and size reduction. 
"It's so good loving somebody , when somebody loves your back"  Just make sure you  try and stay in the  Teddy Pendergrass pocket!

A Demonstration Of Love

 

Of course I want to be loved, who doesn’t? But too often people sacrifice self-respect for the security of feeling loved. I say, “feeling” loved because that what it seems to boil down to, the emotions of being loved, the need to be loved, and the high of thinking you are in love. But it really is true that love is an action word…and not just a single action; it’s behavior over time that leave no doubt that a person has your back and will not threaten the relationship just because you have differences or fight. Real love doesn’t require you to lose control or lose your appetite to confirm that it’s real. A better way to put it is, real love is not only felt and spoken...it’s demonstrated. I know people like to hear the words, “I love you,” and that’s understandable, we’re emotional creatures but we need to be more focused on what’s being done as opposed to what’s being said. So the next time you start feeling butterflies and get all carried away, take a step back and observe if what a person says matches up with what they’re showing you. It’s easy to be blinded by emotions, and sex, and neediness, but a person’s true feeling will always be reflected in their actions…over time.
~ Michael Baisden

You are so helpful thank you
for cutting up the vegetables

My perspective: Communication about Love  between the sexes has always been  a problem when One had one thing  on their mind and the other has something completely different in mind.  When it comes to Love men see it as your outstanding aesthetics as the ultimate turn on . while women see it as actions, gestures of most sincere  kindness, thoughtfulness, intimacy without insistence of having sex. Folks we have a long long long  road to travel before we get to the point where we see thing  exactly the same way, on the topic of L-O-V-E. Do you LADIES remember how much preparation you went through before that first date with your version of "Mr. Right" your hair was just right after a visit to the hair dresser, the nails were freshly manicured. even the toes we perfectly pedicured the dress spoke volumes with the perfect length, V-cut showing just enough cleavage..... the shoes were the right high to best accent  the legs. He exhaled and said "You are soooo beautiful"  So he was In-love with your special aesthetics image Instantly, this is what  you presented to him.  His eyes were glazed over, and you knew he was under your spell.  Well at least until the spell was broken or wore off, especially if he went home alone, after taking you home.  Smart Guys are  on there best behavior to avoid blowing the first date.... Just be a gentleman don't do the stupid things, that will destroy your chance to have second date.  So we do all that we can to make sure the lady feels as special as she looks. When a man is boxed into a corner he will say those words of "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with You" the truth is he is looking  at your perfection in temperance  and so the words just flow without stuttering.  He may actually mean it.. but is not because of  the same things a woman believes his I love you means. 

Can I massage your feet

 Well don't forget he is under your spell, a man will kiss your feet for days on end when he is in-love (under your spell.)  But he will wake up any minute now, so you better enjoy it while it last. Unless he goes through a few sleepless nights thinking about you, Where he awakens every morning hugging his pillow  after dreaming about you that is when he knows the Spell will last for awhile longer..... when he kiss your picture, that is on his night stand, first thing in the morning and the last thing a night. A man knows when he is caught in the web and is entranced by your SPELL for the long run.
accept  it for what it is...... ladies... Our male Love meter start  registering and increases with time.. once it set based on a good start he can feel this way for many many years, hoping that you don't change. the first impression can last for long time.  Things like....How do I live with out you? You are all that I need... I just keep  thinking  about  KISSING YOU!                                 

      

You Can’t Change A Man!

For whatever reason, women are under the impression that just because a man says, “I do,” that all of his desires to be with other women will magically disappear. How ridiculous!
It is this issue of change that is at the heart of many failed relationships. The woman is looking forward to it, while the man is fighting against it.
“I’ll be your husband or boyfriend,” the man thinks, “but my lifestyle isn’t going to change.” Meanwhile, the infatuated woman is presuming, “Once we get together, everything will change.” For whatever reason, women are under the impression that just because a man says, “I do,” that all of his desires to be with other women will magically disappear. How ridiculous! The man who cheats before getting married will cheat afterwards. It’s that simple. And all of the good conversation, good cooking, and good pussy in the world isn’t going to stop them.
But don’t try to tell that to the hard-headed woman who’s blinded by love, or whipped. She is determined to solve every riddle, heal every wound, and right every wrong. She refuses to accept the fact that her man cannot or will not commit. Why is that? you ask. I believe it has a great deal to do with the woman’s instinctual need to nurture and pamper. Some women perceive infidelity as an emotional disease that can be remedied with a little patience and her overwhelming love. “He just hasn’t found the right woman,” she declares. However, the reality is that he has found the perfect woman, one who will stand idly by and keep her mouth shut while he does his business.

My B.A.D. perspective, it's a myth that a woman can't change a man,  as a mature man, our eyes focus better when the aesthetics are "all that  a bag of chips, and maybe some beer" during a football game.i.e.Extreme aesthetics. 
Just say pardon the interruption    Most men start questioning  if they can get excite instantly and be  able to remain excited when the  aesthetics are not what he remembers them  as they use to be. this is not fair to the woman  in our lives. because time that passing us by  is not anyone's friend.  Men who have problems getting things going need to be stimulated and visual stimulation is what worked well for years so they go back to that mindset. Since  men are natural hunters, except for in the animal Kingdom , where the  Lionesses  are the real hunters not so much the male Lion (he just lips his lips after dining.) I'm pretty  sure if we men  have it backwards. because we chase a female until we get caught  and then we feel trapped. so we, from that point in time on,   need to feel a release from that fear of the permanent trap of  incarceration, men seek to engage in the hunting games  for new  younger prey,  which leads to many problems in committed relationships.  
A younger woman, was complaining to me the other day, that her older boyfriend (20 years older)  was caught cheating. I thought:---- 'ooh wow, really? ', then she said "I told him...  I have no problem if you  sneak out  and cheat ------just don't get caught" this really made me pause!  so it's OK to have a Secret Lover! Just don't get caught?  Now Fellahs don't fall for this.... these are tricks to get you to confess.   
However if a man sees Heaven in your eyes, he could do without the " extreme aesthetics" you once  had just a few years ago,  and the excitement will be back in your romantic live. He just wants you, just as you are,  because you complete him.  The fact that he was willing to  put a ring on it, it's  good enough reason to feel that he is somewhat sincere in his actions.  He has a heavenly investment , that he does not want to loose.  

From my point of view .... 
'I can never say no to you if I see Heaven in your eyes'

”Happiness Isn’t Magic…It’s always your Choice!”

We all know how hard it is to create and maintain happiness and most of us at some point in our lives do obtain it, but the problem is we don’t protect it! Take my advice, once you find someone who adds to your happiness, once you find a goal that motivates you, once you get into a routine of living healthy, thinking positive, and having peace, guard it like a precious jewel.

Some people are just plain old negative so stop trying to convert them. When they are ready to graduate to the next level you’ll see the change in them the way they saw your light shinning. Until then, live in your bubble of happiness and stop sharing your dreams with dream killers.
 ~ Michael Baisden

My perspective: Many folks live their lives expecting miracles, they believe that someone else will bring them many blessings ( added value happiness) into their live. They sit around waiting for it! Instead of trying to be a blessing to others, they expect it to be brought to them. The fact that the past will always be your experiences...... is noted... we all have a past. However what separates " magic" from "choice" is that magic requires trickery and optical illusions, that makes you believe what is happening is real time, whereas Choice requires a person to look at the facts and make a decision to go right, left or straight ahead, because going in reverse, while looking straight  ahead causes more hurt  and anxiousness than the  past experiences themselves, ever did.  

Just think about the possibilities, and smile about the thoughts these new experiences  could bring,  you choose, it is possible that someone could  bring  that "added value" to you.... they are  just waiting  for you to  let go of the past. Now  that is the Magic you should be looking forward to,  the magic of  self determination. Your Choice  is always the best choice! Make it REAL, and forget  about the optical illusions of magic trickery.    

I like to say that I am an astute observer of good relationships, Now that I'v been divorced for almost a decade now. My mom and dad were married for 45 years, when my mom passed away.  I was married for half that time. I was surrounded by couples who have also been together for many years. these are my observations to keep a woman happy. 

 Affirm her daily.  Tell her she looks great when she leaves for work. send her out the door with a  hug, a kiss, a love note .(OK text msgs would also do), Make sure she get's it  after she is at work.  Do  some of these things again when you see her later at home. Let others know that you're proud she's your special Lady. Brag about how you love it when she licks her lips when you  cook  her favorite food, or if she has a job  where she has to be a leader of  others, brag about her leadership ability . Hold her hand in Public. Escort her like a gentleman. Get her a drink at parties. Most of all, tell her you love her and show her that you do.  Keep her safe and warm!