So are you Overqualified or undervalued

What is he seeing when he looks at me in this pose?  

Are the tattoos on my Achilles heel

and my (chip) on my shoulder visible enough to draw his attention?

Let’s think about what is happening by having a mindset like this for a minute. Good enough vs overqualified.

Your Value, as a woman is being  determined by someone else, compensation determined by someone who may or may not value you or what you bring to the table.

Women have been evaluated for centuries as serving a purpose…  this is the 21st century, many are still stuck in this mindset--- that their value is only good enough based on someone else's evaluations. She is over qualified only if someone decide she is too high maintenance, and they don’t want to compensate her for ---- what attributes she brings to the position. This is not about assets and liabilities -Accounting 101. Women are not commodities. In my view I see women differently, now that I have mature a little bit.  

I feel that women often hear these words and have put themselves in categories, where they start out by putting themselves down a few notches..

• Is she pretty enough
• Is she curvy enough.
• Is she tall enough
• Is she too tall
• Is she the right weight
• Does she do things that other may not do?
• Is she qualified in using spell check?
• How well does she measure up to someone else's standards?

Women are constantly judging themselves based on what others think.  A man on the other hand things in terms of the value we bring to the table, as if we have assets external to our personal beings. Enough cash flow, a large enough home, a nice enough car. What kind of position we have in terms of jobs or the career path we have chosen.

Well OK, men also have issues---- but, a man can change his position in life pretty quickly. Where as a woman may start off doing well, having done well academically, and meeting the criteria that a new employer has set. Attracting a new boyfriend, who has decided that she has the attributes--- He wants in a woman.  I’ve taken some time to read a few e-books written by women. And I'm SMDH, I thought I would learn something new by reading what modern female authors write. I wanted some more insight into what women see as value, in their eyes. But it’s the same old same old. Women authors describe the female characters the same way men evaluate women. They are Subjects who need  to meeting the male labeling of who is beautiful and who fits well in/on the man’s arms. I’ve become totally disillusioned that women may read these stories and I believe many young women do. And then fall into the same mindsets that this is always the way it should be, and they are powerless to change it. You, ladies, have the power to change things.

I hope someone reads this and thinks for a minute that women are the only ones who can change this.   If this continues to the normal your progress, you have made, thus far will stall, ladies.

Stand on your OWN evaluations and calculations

I'm Recognizing her strengths on mother’s day!

The strengths that she demonstrates is the direct result of her struggles.

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” ~unknown

I admire you for strength and style! And this red dress makes you also HOT!

In the current World that women live in  they have no choice but to be stronger than they even thought  they should have to be. Why do I say this on Mother's day. Mothers have always had to be strong  to be able to take care of their offspring, with or without help. Some mother’s have had to deal with adversities that have forces them to be strong and determined to succeed. If she does not rise  to the challenges she will not just fail herself but also fail to show the next generation how to be strong, in the face of adversities. The Brilliant women in businesses these days do not just have to be able to run a department or even a company and make it successful but also run a household and keep it from falling apart.  Some women have the luxury of being able to hire help that will take care of the things most mothers who don’t have the luxury of hiring help have to do themselves. Isn’t it amazing that a working domestic has to raise the children of the affluent women they work for, and raise their own children also. Note: Women of color have had to do this for centuries with great success, and never received much praise for all that they did, and still do. Women these days want to be  known for their academic successes and  business brilliance  but not so much for their motherly love of  raising their own children. Some may even decide not to have offspring… somehow seeing it as  being stuck in a weaker roll (maybe like their mothers and grandmothers) than the woman who manages to become a CEO or partner in  business firm. However these who rise in these ranks may have their own struggles, and may even wonder about their choices, maybe some still wish they had children, or if they still have the window of opportunity to become mothers.

This makes some of us men wonder why is it that we have made women have to choose between being more like men and less like the women who raised us. Don’t get me wrong I have always admired women who were progressive and determined to succeed in the business world. Dating back to my great-grandmother (my grand father's mother) who was a business woman in the mid 1800. Her genes carried forward as Members of my family have done just that, even those who did know anything about her. Which explains my admiration for strong determined career women. I grew up watching trend-setters in my family.  But also learn a lot from the woman who sacrifice so much to bring me into this World. My mother may she RIP, never gave up on have a child. She was determined to have me. She had one miscarriage and one still born before she successfully gave birth to me. I’m so grateful for her strength and determination. I get a bit choked up, as I’m writing this blog post.

The support my mom received  from my grandmother and my aunts  was the key to her not giving up. I know this because as I grew up being loved by my aunts, my moms older sister  and her very close younger sister, who had 3 daughters of her own, but no sons, she even tried to fool people that I was her son. Which spoke volumes to how much love I received from day one.   My own experience as a father was no picnic either my first born son was a premature birth. Scared me that I might not even have him in my life if things had not gone just right, him and I have the best father son relationship. I was determined that I will have at least 2 children not that I was scared that one was not going to be enough. MY ego was never about having an army of offspring.

But I want to make sure that my sons would have each other, for support, being an only child is not all that great I know this from experience.  So, I talked my now ex-wife into trying to have a second child, we were blessed with our 2nd son. I want a Recognizing her strengths on mother’s day also. But she was determined not to have anymore, and since I had agreed that she  could wait almost 5 years before we tried to have a second child, I didn’t have a leg to stand on, to go back and try to talk her into have a 3rd baby. Did I feel cheated “NO” because I was so grateful  to have my two offspring ( I love them both unconditionally) they had the same DNA, so I didn’t feel the need to try and force her to have a 3rd child just so I could have hopefully a daughter. Over the years I have wondered how things would have been different had the strong women in my life not influence me to see things the way I see them now.

My admiration To all  you mothers

So how often did I get it wrong?

Men often have misunderstandings with women, simply because we men overreact, or we don’t act at the right time.

Where you ever listening to me or not?

So how often did I get wrong?

This Should be the question men should ask themselves when dealing with most women.

If it's true that "every action causes a reaction," then we need to calculate logically when is the right time to react or not act., or offer her advice she didn’t ask for.

These are a few things I have learned over the years.

* When a woman talks about problems, we men usually resist instantly. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.

* Men talk about problems for only two reasons: we are blaming someone or we are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset, a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. In a man’s mind, this is clear and simple!

If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr. Fix-It-Hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, and all other men for that matter, then he draws his sword to protect himself from the attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.

Warning: If a man offers solutions to a woman’s problems, she will just continue to talk about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because men feel better with solutions being offered, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When a woman doesn’t feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated.

Example: I had a great relationship with the men of my neighbors in my last 2 community I  lived in suburbs in South Florida. We guys would get together often on Saturday mornings and cut our laws at the same time, then we would gather together and talk like we were in the locker room, over a few beers. My neighbors were all good in their areas of expertise, a ranking police officer, a Federal agent, a College professor, a Banker, an MD an ex-pro NFL ballplayer, a lawyer and me a Computer IT consultant. We are all still friends.  The men have conversations that would help each other… because we each brought a different perspective to the conversations. The wives and girl-friends always thought we were just talking about nonsense, well sometimes we were. However, if any of us had a problem that one the other fellas had a solution for then we all gained from it. The women, however, would not have any of this kind of regular gathering. So when they assumed that we were talking sports. They would try to do their own thing like on Fight night at the federal agent's house was always a classic, because the mix was even better. We would get together, all bringing food and drinks, and watch whichever big fights on the big screen… some of the women would sit and watch with us but some would go on the patio and have their own conversations about whatever. This wasn’t always a good thing. Because women started making comparisons about things that didn’t have solutions in their groups.

When one of the guys would overhear the women talking about something he would get that look from the women like, he was being a spy. And he would be attacked.  If a man feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. Even though he may not be the one who caused the problem the women were discussing. The fellas would not run to help him or me out for jumping in a bee’s nest. They would start yelling about the TKO that just happen that he missed on the big screen. Which was code for getting out of there, you idiot, you can’t win by arguing with a group of women, no matter what the subject?   

So How can delaying gratification result in possibly never satisfied?

OK, so the person you might be …. very attracted to….. seems unattainable,  but they still make your heart skip a beat every time you see them. You subscribe to the delay gratification theory, so you just wait to be approached? It can be worth it, to wait until the timing is right. But solitude and being safe can morph into lonely. So , I've heard!  Who is to say the time will ever be right for the both of you, at the same time. Your “right time” might be the other persons “wrong time”. Seldom is the  timing of two people who really do not know each other... or do not have social contact often result in being in sync with each other. It’s not like when you were is elementary school that you see each other every day and you played on the opposite sides of the playground at recess. Each of you Hanging with your friends and eyeing each other hoping one of you will make the move and you can hold hands and walk off together into the sunset.

Life as an adult has too many complicated situations…. Too many forks on the roads, that could push or draw you off course.

You might hit your stride, and the other person might not hit their stride on your timeline, or even travel in the same direction as you are going.

You might think there is an infinite amount of time but the other person has a limited amount of time, their window  of engagement is of a different size than yours.

You might have gotten where you wanted to be, career wise, even personal accomplishments etc...  early in life but the economy shifted and your window of growth shifted causing it to shrink way more than you ever thought possible.

The other person is in a different time zone, mentally, and maybe even physically, and spiritually. They have different goals and expectations, so you may have waited too long to get that elusive connection going.

If you had not waited then maybe you could have gotten what you dreamed about.

The right time is relevant to what you believe is the exact right time. We have all done things for instant gratifications, except the things we are scared of failing at, we try the delayed gratification approach. People have failed at many things it’s called experiencing and learning. Failing a test is only a major set back if you have not learned something from it, and you stay stuck in a rut.

For Example: count the amount of people, you know personally,  who have experienced failed relationships. Maybe the number will overwhelm you or you might be surprised that many relationships have not really failed… they were not meant to be together forever, just for a few  seasons or less. Timelines are tricky. They cannot be predicted or even anticipated the outcome. Trusting that your have feelings, for someone, isn’t always correct on time, this is where people often miscalculate the outcome.  

I'm so glad I made that move at the right time!

I keep looking out over the horizon, is his ship ever going to appear?

So when is it really the right time for both of you?  

Smiling together is way better than, dreaming about smiling together.

Smiling after you had a wonderful time together, is way better than hoping that you will one day experience what you have been dreaming about.

My guess…. is…. there is no better time than the present. Kiss yesterday goodbye, and point your hopes towards tomorrow. This was a song (that popped into my head) I may have just messed up the lyrics. I think it went something like that.

Time waits for no one, You can even fly around the world in the opposite direction at the speed of light, i.e. travel from West to East and never go back in time.  You will discover that the direction you are traveling in is not really East, the Earth is round so you will circle it, at some point you will be in the West….. Or back at your starting point.

However the time has already changed, you will not find things the same way you left them.

  

Final thoughts

After things changed for me a few years ago I decided to read a book titled:

“Who moved my cheese?

It really set me straight on the changes that can occur in life, if we expect things to always stay the same, things will change as we may be  too satisfied with the way things are. The book had 4 characters, 2 small humans and 2 mice named scurry and snoop, in a maze. The mice adjusted and accepted the fact that they had eaten all the cheese, so they ran around the maze everyday looking for new cheese, while the 2 humans waited for things to change back to way they had gotten used to, and a new supply of cheese would some day magically appear out of  nowhere for their consumption. Talk about miscalculations. The mice didn’t have logical minds they worked by instinct. They scurried around and sniffed until they hit a new supply of fresh cheese everyday. They never sat and waited, or even calculated. Now think about the delay gratification you are waiting for, it may never come to you, if you just keep waiting! The result may possibly end in never happily satisfaction?

Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome?

I'm their cleaning lady, I know they both want me!

But do they know what I’m hiding?

Let face it, many, if not all men have fantasized about having the pleasure of being with more than one woman at a time. Just take a survey and see the responses you will get. But hold up  be very careful what you’re fantasize about you might already be in a threesome relationship, and not know it. So what am I writing about here? The secret threesome! What!? The threesome that does not really include a third person present and accounted for, but instead it’s the anxieties some folks suffer from. Their past is always lingering over your relationship, your past is always hanging around like a cloud. The fact that many folks walk into relationships not knowing  what they are getting themselves into, is not new news. It’s more common than most folks would admit to.

So we are arguing about what now,
this threesome starting to getting to me?

If you have never talked to your sex partner, on a deeper level, about things that affected you or them deeply, then you will be in a surprise threesome.

If you have not told the new person about the mistakes you have made in your past then you are in secretive threesome.

If you have not shown your true colors  when you or your partner get angry, maybe not initially exposed, the time bomb is ticking. then you are a potential dysfunctional threesome.  

If you have fears about what might be discovered about your past, then you are in a secret spy series threesome.

Now folks might read the above caption and think I’m going kinky with this blog post. I may have started off thinking Kinky <smirking> initially but as I started writing my thought flow went somewhere else. Now, what is it that cause me to shift my focus and start writing about the secrets or threesomes many folks are living with everyday. It’s happening more and more because social media is more of a threat at exposing or triggering stuff that we may have hidden in our heads and when these things are triggered. We start tripping. I know this because I know I trip often when I start writing a blog post things I write about are often  triggered by something or someone.

My dad may he RIP, told me when I was a teen that I should never, ever, tell a female she reminds me of someone else. “You will never know how that might make her feel.” It’s OK to see a picture of someone you have never met and see the similarities between them in the picture or on the big screen. And say:’ she reminds me of you’ Not many women would have a problem with that because the comparison is not about a personal experience from your past. Women and even men are sensitive about the other person’s unknown past.  

A woman I had a relationship with asked me if I ever wanted to have a threesome, but not with two women… My response was: ‘ please tell me what you are referring to’  she said she once saw a porn movie where a woman enjoyed having two men do her at the same time. My response was: ‘ you are having A fantasy of gang banging? interesting!’

This is the male mindset. Woman’s fantasy of a threesome with 2 men, instantly becomes about gang rape and gang banging. But we want a woman to buy into the male fantasies about two women and a dude. Mmm hmm! This is what  most guys think about when we mention threesomes. Ooh we are such hypocrites. The world has changed and women are much more liberated in their thoughts and their desires, and even in the things they are willing to try. Men are often stuck in their dominant roles in relationship, over the years we’ve been most comfortable with our beliefs or desire, our thoughts and even of our Threesome phobias.

Huh, so you two want to have me join

you in a threesome?

Using The silhouette of semi-nudity, to over come fears!

Will he ask me about my tattoo? And why I put it where I have it?

The most provocative look a woman can display is not nudity!
It’s the silhouette of almost-nude!

Her thoughts: “OK I just wanted to test his reaction!”

Never mind how things start out with a new lover interest, you will have instinctive fears of wanting
to run away from love or become hooked on just falling in love.
This is the time to work on your unhealed feelings. When deep feelings come up you would
be very wise to seek help from a therapist. When deep issues come floating to the surface,
we project our feelings onto our new love interest. If we did not feel safe to express our feelings
to that person or a past love partner, all of sudden we cannot get in touch with our true feelings
in the presence of our present love interest. At this point, no matter how supportive
your new partner might be, when you are with this new person you will not feel safe to share every
detail of your fears.

It’s a paradox:

because you feel safe enough with your new love interest,  your deepest fears have a chance
to surface. When they surface you become afraid and unable to share what you are feeling.

This is when having a counselor ot therapist is tremendously helpful.
When you are with someone you are not projecting your fears on, you can process the feelings
that are coming up, way better.  If you are only with your new love interest, you may feel numb.
This is why people who are in new very loving relationships may inevitably need the help of a
therapist, to overcome fears. Sharing in support groups also has this liberating effect.
Let me emphasize  by saying this; women usually have support conversations with their BFFs.
Whereas men keep their issues a secret. When our unresolved feelings are being projected
on our intimate partner, he or she is usually powerless to help us. All our partner can do is
encourage us to get professional support by understanding how our past continues to affect the
ebb and flow of our love emotions. We begin to trust love and its healing process.
Which is essential to keeping the magic of love  alive, we must be flexible and adapt to
the ongoing changing seasons in our lives.

  

So what’s the difference between just dating and Exclusive Dating?

So are we exclusive now?

When you are dating someone, it’s mostly fake in the beginning. It’s the getting-to-know-each-other phase where everything is perfect. You are perfect, she is perfect, everything is absolutely effing perfect. Then, the woman brings out her true side, and the guy brings out his I’m-not-going-to -romance-you-as-much-as-I-did-in-the beginning side. Eventually, things progress, and you think, ‘Oh, I know you have flaws, but I still like you, and although you have flaws. I want to keep this relationship going.’

Exclusive dating is the next step of the acceptance process, can you tolerate the things that you know you can live with and with out, but the "Condom" needs to be excluded from your relationships, once  you are exclusive. An exclusive relationship should just be one on one. The use of condoms … it also preventing the bond that is meant to be formed between two consenting adults, from forming.

When a man and a woman get together and have feeling for each other they need to feel each other in more ways than just superficial stuff. No monogamous relationship used a condom in the past, this is why relationships lasted much longer than they do these days. You need to be able to trust each other. If you can’t trust the person you are with then the two of you don’t need to be together. Get yourselves checked if you are scared that one of your past moment without a condom, with some else might come back and bight you on the rear-end. Women need to asked the question: “are you wearing a condom to protect me or you?” and wait until they have the answer, before decided to be in an exclusive relationship. Trust me,  fellas, you don’t want to be put in that situation. You need to be Trusted for things to work well between the two of you! She might have her reasons for using birth control, but they are not your reasons, so if you are questioning her about using the pill, then you need to ask yourself if you are ready to become parents. If she does not want to have a baby right now with you then she will use preventive methods, and as a man you need to understand where you stand with her and her priorities. However if you don’t trust her then you wearing a condom sends a strong message. “I don’t trust you” and “you can’t trust me!”

Final thoughts

Let’s explore how men and women should find peace together. The man and woman should be able to live together  in peace because they are able to respect their differences. The man who is in a monogamous relationship learned to respect that the woman needs to feel secure. Even if she didn’t have much reason for her not to trust him in the past, She should alter her thoughts once he has committed to an exclusive relationship with her. She should learn that by talking thing out she will learn more than putting him under the microscope. And questioning his every move.  A good man who feels accepted become very supportive. Many men and women are very judgmental.

Getting rid of the doubts can and  will change behaviors. and cause harmony.

All Of Me