Victim or Prey!

 

“Are You  really expecting me to do all of what you want?”

When a man is thinking of  a woman as an asset, it becomes very hard for him to concentrate on
what he  should be saying to her, at times. Does He becomes the “victim or Prey!”

Men can't see and not think about touching a woman. We are hardwired to be physical,
whereas  women are more emotional, and they can see and not worry about keeping their hands
to themselves. This is why men will keep coming back for more and women can keep
their distance if they deem that distance is working well enough for them.

 The Singer/actor Tyrese points it out... in his confession in a video ”Tyrese Drops Jewels'' that a woman,
who.  does not understand what her man/husband needs will not be able to help him when
he needs her emotionally “You don’t know what a wife is”. We men, when we mature,
have a hard time communicating our issues, our needs to a mature woman.
We have grown up pursuing  women in physical ways. Trying to impress her to come with us to
our version of the promised land. She buys into it because of the potential that a man may have,
and how he paints the picture. The women who are independent minded are not of this mindset.
We men are stuck in a rut if we are pursuing independent minded women the same old fashion
way we did dependent females, i.e. A new method has to be designed and redesigned….
Fellahs  take note: I'm not saying the old fashion way will not work on her, it might for a little while...
until she decides that it's not all that she wants. She will always want more.
She will remind you about the times when you were willing to move heaven and
Earth to make her happy…. She expects that to continue. You can’t stop on a dime,
just because you have lost your desire to impress her. Your main purpose to keep her
excited about the things you will do…. next for her, has to be planned, even scripted.
If you feel like you have done enough … then you have reached the end of the road,
as you know it. It might be a fork in the road, or a dead end.
Either way she will no longer have much interest as she sees the road blocked as in your shortcomings.   

I’ve gotten my dream home and my pool, at an age where I can enjoy it.

I’ve had  my dream life, at an age where I was enjoying it. 

But you had to spoil it!

The home with a pool may be  cool until she has a baby or 2  then she does not like how her body 
looks in a 2 piece swimsuit anymore, and the pool is too dangerous for your kids who might have
it right outside their door… it becomes all your fault, for not knowing  that this will become a problem.
So, now you need to drain the pool and then make it into something that she is comfortable with,
this kind of stuff may make a man lose his hair, and even his mind. 
He has worked hard to give her what he thought she wanted...which was only temporarily,
then times changed and her needs changed, her wants changed, her desires changed.
We men can't instantly fix it. We can only do what we can to make her happen in increments of time.

 The best gifts a man can give to a woman is his time, his attention, his admiration....
and over time give her  his unconditional love, maybe not even in this order.

Any man who thinks those things are enough for her,  is delusional. Like Chris Rock said: “
you can make a woman happy.”  No woman is ever completely happy with the thing her man
has done for her, she will compare it with the things Prince Andrew was willing to sacrifice for
his new bride, the mother of his first born. To make her happy. You can’t begin to sacrifice that kind
of birth right. If you could… then would you? 

Men hate to think of themselves as “Victims” and women hate to think of themselves as “prey” 
this is why happiness granted to the other person is an illusion. You can’t make someone else happy..
They have to already be happy for you to keep them happy. The minute they are unhappy…...
you might as well throw in the white towel and let them give you a list of the new things that will
make them happy, in their current state of mind, but chances are you will not be able to check 
50% off of the list. If I sound like a guy who has given up. I have not…..
I have just learned when to reverse course, or pause. You see I think I understand how independent
women think. But there you have the problem. No man fully understands how independent women think… If we did we would  have to willingly become her victim.. We all know “no man” will willingly voluntarily become anyone’s “victim.” 

Final thoughts

As long as we can draw comparisons we will not be satisfied with what we have. Millionaires
want to become Billionaires, happy wives want to become independent self served women,
where they can accomplish things without her man’s help. Go figure! These women want to
boast about they did it themselves without the man’s help. But when they can’t  do it all by themselves,
it becomes the man’s “fault” for not providing enough resources and support.  

It is a paradox: because when you feel temporarily safe with your partner, your deepest
fears suddenly have a chance to surface. When these fears surface you become afraid and
are unable to share what you feel. 

Communication becomes the biggest  problem! 

Men are more likely to say “yes” when they know they have the freedom to say “no”

I can hear the wheels turning in women’s heads: “ What does that above statement really mean”

It’s vitally important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept “no” for an answer.

'So you knew I would say yes'

Women have a sixth sense, it’s call female intuition, so they intuitively feel what their partner ‘s response will be even before they ask. If they sense that he will resist their request, they won’t even bother asking or they will ak just to prove that they were right that his answer will be “no” Bingo! They will feel rejected (either ahead of time) or the answer will confirm what they were already anticipating.  The man who is often clueless about how a woman’s mind works, will have no idea what happened- all this has gone on in her head… and internal dialog that isn’t just a paragraph but can be a book.
In sharp contrast, Men usually know when and what to ask for - and which will result in a “yes” before he puts the phrase out starting with the “will you”  question. A Man listens and hears what she says..... how a woman phrases things that are requests VS demands, and reacts accordingly. the following are some examples.

Wow! by  just changing my request from “could”
to “will we take a vacation this year,”
made this trip to the Caribbean an actual romantic vacation. 

His thoughts are...'she is sitting here next to me and wants me to get up and get her what she wants, interrupting what I’m watching just so she can watch what she wants to watch….

So, Not happening!'

No matter how long two people are together, they will hear one thing and think another, based on the tone of the request.

My thoughts.
The simple explanation is the difference between the “c” words and the “w” words.

For example: she might say, “ Would you take us out to eat tonight?”

She is thinking “I have no time to make dinner tonight”

A man hears the “W” word  and should instantly know what’s the real reason she is suggesting going out to eat, it’s not that she enjoys his company so much that she wants to sit across from him and watch him eat his steak medium rare.

Now if he says “no” he is in a lose - lose position, because her mind is already made up that she was not cooking tonight no matter what he answers. 

Just picture him hearing the “C” words “could you change the channel and “can you, go and get me something to drink?

Dating VS target practice.

So what is the difference between “dating” and “target practice.”
From a man’s point of view, it's a matter of how much information he has on her,
well actually it’s how much info  he assumes he knows about her.. Or, maybe her culture. 

Women who are subjected to “target practice” may not even be aware of the reality in which category
they fall, as men are in hot pursued of the “cookie”. Please allow we to explain.
Having seen this over and over…. for years. We men see women in categories.
Personally I have lived in diverse communities, where guys pursue women based on
what's in their minds as the category of choice, for example, 

A hot Latina female, a very sexy blond White woman , a Black Goddess, even a Indian queen.

“She is looking my way, that must mean she will be an easy targeted hit!”

  She is not in the category for “target practice”, if she is seen as a Goddess, or a queen.
However if she had a reputation of having had sex with multiple men in her past,
then she is most likely a subject of target practice. A man will see her and think only
about having sex with her for his pleasure, he might change his mind and change her classification,
i but the label as a connection link to her past will continue to swirl around in his head.
Men do not see a “queen or a Goddess” in that way. We want to “date her” in pursued of marriage or
at least long term dating her  having kids with her, with the end result in mind being a forever after.
Men do make exceptions but generally men do not change their internal classification of women
permanently. Take for instant a man who got together with a woman and she gave him an STD,
he knows she did not get it from just sitting on a public toilet seat.
He might get treated and may even forgive her, but hd will not trust her based on that experience,
it will always linger in the negative, in the recesses of his mind.

When men have had locker-room conversations about a female,
and suddenly someone points out that she had  consensual sex with multiple guys (like a gang bang)
at least two at the same time, that whole picture of her with multiple guys will never
go away from the recesses of the man's  mind. Men think about the many ways she and he
had sex and what she enjoyed most, that her sexual experience
was based on her previous experiences with multiple guys at the same time.
He will not be able to get those images out of his head. We can thank “Porno stars”
for having created those images, and now men are projecting them onto the women they
want to chase, not sex that is based on a love. Having a woman of a  some cultures that projects
Latina Hotness, ok let me clear here, not all Latina women are the same, or Jamaican dance hall
sexiness and a “Trini dirty wind” these images may linger as all women from those cultures,
regardless of their skin color or curvy figures, that they are the same…..
These generalizations may linger for a very long term. So Remember that ladies….
when you are portraying yourselves as this or that, and whatever the latest fantasy classification comes
into play on social media.  You may never be able to get away from “the labels.” 

Hmm! Or is it the reverse?

How often have people generalized based on their experiences?
Many keep projecting their experiences in general on someone new, just because the look
like someone else  they had a good or bad relationship with.

Not all of a culture is the same!

We men have one track minds,well at least that is what most women think.
We like to live out our fantasies, in real life. Whereas women have fantasies also but are often
apprehensive in letting members  of the other gender know what their fantasies are.
So because of women’s apprehension, women of more open minded cultures often attract
the men away from their own kind. Women become the object of “exotic”sexual desires
and even some things that might be classified as “freaky.”

Women will draw the line of not allowing themselves to be with a man who might have
dated a woman of another culture, even if they know that the man was only “target practice.”
In a woman’s mind he target practiced to sow his wild oats… and not that he
has satisfied his lust he wants to settle down with a Queen.
But, She might not want a recycled player!
So another culture might work well, the next time around.

My ex-wife should see me now, she could never match up to this Hotness!”

Why is that? Simple answer: it’s mainly because the “target Practice “ which is based on Fantasy,
Freaky fetishes, it’s, what in a man’s head… not his heart.  

You will never hear a man say “my heart is telling me I have to marry a sexworker from the Orient”….
Even if he does fall in love with a sex worker and help her turns her life around, but his buddies
who know she was a sex worker will always remind him that they too had sex with her for money,
before he came along and married her. 

For some men it might become less of a problem but even in a man’s older age he might still walk
into a bar with his lady and have other guys look and whisper “there goes that fool who’s current
women was someone I paid money to have sex with not too long ago.  A woman might say
“as long as it is washed after two can use it!” hmmm?

Is it Unfair? Yes it is! But since it’s still a man’s world, women have to live with the perceptions  
of once having been subjected to “target Practice!”  They are forever labeled.

Taken the time to listen

When we take the time to listen to others, we sometimes override what we are feeling. You may be in effect saying to that little person inside your head. ‘ You thought you were the only one that matter? You thought you deserve to be heard and cared for. But here is someone else’s perspective that you didn’t take into account…. They too deserve to be heard and care for, so stop overthinking and listen’.

So how do you ask for support and get it?

If you are not getting the support you want in your relationships, a significant reason may be that you do not ask for it properly, you may ask in ways that are not working currently, Asking for support is not asking for love, they are both essential to the success of any relationship. If you want to G-E-T them both…. then you have to A-S-K. 

Both men and women have difficulty asking for support and it becomes even more difficult asking for love. Women, however, tend to find it much more frustrating and disappointing to ask for more support than men do. Of course, men will deepen their understanding of women if we take the time to listen this will deepen our understanding of women.

Women don’t ask, because they feel they should get without asking!

Women make the mistake of thinking they don’t have to ask for support.. They think: “If he loves me I don’t need to ask” they mistakenly expect men to do the same, When a woman is in love, she instinctively offers her love. With great delight and enthusiasm, she looks for ways to offer her love and support. The more she loves her man, the more motivated she is to offer her support. Not every woman automatically gives support, so there is good reasons to ask for it. In fact, not needing to ask... is one of the ways women  express their love for someone. In women’s minds: “Love is never having to ask!”  

If a woman is not asking for support from her  man , he stupidly, assumes he is giving enough.

This pattern makes relationships with men very difficult for the un-aware women. Though this problem may feel insurmountable, it can be solved. By remembering that we men are from a different planet we can learn new ways to listen, when women ask for what they want. The following are ways that might work eventually after years of practice.

1. Practice  asking correctly for what you’re already getting.
2. Practice asking for more, even when you know the man will say “no”, and then accept his “no”
3. Practice assertive asking.

When a man hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely a woman phrase her request, he hears that he is not giving her enough. A man’s tendency is then to give less until the woman appreciates what he is already giving.

The following are some quick tips to motivate a man to give a woman more.

1. appropriate timing

2. use a non-demanding attitude

3. Be brief…. avoid..giving him a list of reasons why he should help you.

And last: when asking a man for support, assume that he doesn’t have to be convinced.

Final thoughts.

Just as a woman who is upset doesn’t want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why she should not be upset, a man doesn’t want to hear a list of reasons about why he should fulfill her request.  

Fellahs, women often have these types of  internal dialog so you need to be aware..

“I’m not sure I’m being honest with myself:

• I want more.
• I want less.
• I want to have control of my life
• I want to give it all up.
• I don’t know what I really want.
• How am I going to  tell my man, what I want?
• Why doesn’t he already know?

Everyone will change,

Will we always enjoy each other this way?

Surely you might expect someone not to change, however change is constant. 

A man is attracted to a woman, and may marry her expecting her not to ever change, a woman maybe be attracted to a man, and may agree to marry him, expecting him to change and improve based on what she wants him to become.  Unless he was exactly the way she wanted him from the very moment they met, where he is totally what she wants at that moment…. No improvements needed…(Haha, this is not going to happen) he is never going to be that “perfect” just the way you want  him not even right at that moment you thought he was “perfect” His image that is in her head is based on a snapshot in time, that was the moment when the stars aligned and all things  seemed just the way it should be. That snapshot is what gets folks in trouble we all hold on to it,  like it will always be the same ( in our heads). But like I stated before change is constant. Gravity changes all of us. And our mental issues become more of a factor as times will changes us. The young become the old, a man loses his hair, the receding hair line becomes more outstand as he grows older he may even grow completely bald, his muscular body will become a bit flabby . LOL. growing completely bald, that is really funny? A woman after having a baby or two may never regain her perfect “figure 8” body type she had when he first met her and had to have her, but both of them  love her babies unconditionally. But her man may not appreciate her body as much as he did before she had “the little crumb snatchers”.He may even have gained weight himself (bigger belly) also because everytime she was hungry(had cravings,) he would eat with her. Now she might blame him for the changes that happen to her body and he might think she drove him to gain weight and  lose all of his hair too. Sounds crazy doesn’t it?

 You cannot  blame another person for the changes that happens to you physically, even mentally… but people do it all the time.

Right now you look so much like your dad, I hope you will not inherit his ways. 

The male gender will never be able to think like the female. We may try to understand her (temporally)  but will never really figure her out, long term. 

Here is what I have learned over the past decades,   by writing out my feelings, I discover deeper levels of feelings that I could not feel with another person present. 

Complete privacy creates the safety to feel more deeply. Even if we are in a relationship and we feel we can talk about anything, with that other person. I still feel privately writing down our thoughts and feelings sometimes, can bring clarity that we would not have normally. OK women and some men are good at writing Love Letters, think about that for a moment we can’t do as well as we can, unless we are doing it in private, which is also healthy because it provides a time for us to give to ourselves without depending on anyone else.  Women are better at keeping a journal/diary, these are document that she may never share with her lover. Unless he is a snoop and finds them and reads them without her knowledge. If you have a personal computer, password protected, then you can type the document and store it in a secret folder. 

I final put things in the right  perspective! 

“I really like him, but I wish he didn’t have so much ink”

Occasionally rereading these letters when you are not upset is best because that is when you are not mad as hell, this is when you can review your feelings with  greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you to express your upset feelings at a later time, to the other person, in a control fashion, with a more respectful tone. Also if you write a love Letter and you are still upset, by rereading the letter you may begin to feel better.Final thoughts:

What’s swirling around in our heads is not the same as what’s in another person’s.

You are thinking one thing, often influenced by emotions, and recollections from past experiences. The other person is  not feeling the same things. I started trying to figure out a few years ago what I was missing… when I disagreed with someone (woman) on a subject, and the disagreement became an angrument. I started reading more books written by women… Man ooh man, the sub titles that they would have in the middle of the their scripts really made me understand somewhat better what it was that I was missing in the past. We can’t see a bubble above their heads with subtitles and captions(linked to experiences and emotions). A woman  might be thinking “he is cool,” one minute, but then you say or do the wrong thing, in her view, “he is fool,” and then that bubble has an dialogue going on that will blow your mind, fellahs! Women do not forget negative experience, the triggers you just  caused has her reliving things that may have, absolutely nothing to do with you. OK we men have them also, but since we are more forgetful we don’t keep these negativities stored for decades. If we men understood that quoting a line from a movie could get us  into trouble with a woman we would never quote anyone…” trying to be cool,” has to be an original… composition. 
The purpose  of writing is two fold,  to grow in your ability to love yourself you  need to receive love, from others as well. To receive more love we need to have people in our life with whom we can openly and safely share our feelings. Test it out by writing these feeling down before sharing them with others. It is very powerful to have a select person (multiple people if possible) in your life with whom you can openly and safely share your feelings and trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with their criticism, judgment, or worst yet rejection.  When you can share who you are and how you feel, then you can fully receive love. If you have this love within you, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like resentment, anger, fear, and so forth. If you do it in private you can have a walkthrough as many times as you need to before letting someone else see or hear what your feelings are all about. 

Everything must change!

  

You have nothing to fear but fear itself and fear of being alone!

This what the year end holidays do to us. we stay in bad relationships not because we are not being realistic about what we are fearing the most. The fear that we are experiencing has more to  do with us  not fully understanding what it is we are fearing...

There are ways to step out of our comfort zone and overcome your fears.

So what do you truly want from me?
Some people want to rush into marriage and work to get  it right.
Others want relations to get right before  getting marriage!

Many folks have so many fears these days, ome that sticks out is fear of commitment and the other is fear of  commiting to the wrong person.  I SMDH and think about when I was a kid and I knew my parents were around to protect me from the boogeyman, and then I grew up and became a father and had to assure everyone in my care that I would be around to do the same.  I believe that my two sons can take over now  as they are  in relationships where they have to protect theirs.
I was never scared of commitment, if the person I was committed to was the wrong person then in time that relationship ended, in my mind we reached the expiration date, case closed. You can't unring a bell. I've witnessed so many endings of relationships too many to count at this point. People should be looking at it this way read the signs and expect that the expiration date is coming sooner or later. there is no forever!  
  
By have to deal with The fear of the unknown these days it can be hard to describe because all the feelings and thoughts around these fears are in our heads. These negative feelings and thoughts create mental blocks. It is these mental blocks that influence the way in which we live our life and if let loose can have a detrimental impact on us living our lives to the fullest.

When we choose to live with our fear of the unknown, the choices and decisions we make do not serve us well. Any decision we make based from this fear will not be a decision that will move us forward in life.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Nelson Mandela

Living your life to your fullest potential can only be achieved when you have come face to face with your fear of the unknown. But this is not an easy thing to do. It is a bit more complicated than just choosing to ignore your fear of the unknown. To be able to conquer your fear of the unknown, you have to be committed to making the changes within yourself and that is where it gets tough.

There are many layers of emotions that are associated with your fear of the unknown and overcoming this fear requires you to dig deep to find the courage to actually step into the unknown. This is not what your fear of the unknown likes. All those deep-seated limiting beliefs will be resisting and fighting back because your actions will be challenging them and questioning their existence.

There is an extreme form of the Fear of the Unknown which is a phobia called Xenophobia.

Xenophobia is when some people have irrational thoughts and beliefs about people and situations that they perceive to be strange or foreign. Essentially it is the fear of anything that is beyond their comfort zone.

People who are Xenophobic tend to have a fear or hatred of foreigners, people from different cultures or strangers. They also have a fear or dislike of people who are culturally different from them. Their behavior can be extreme and violent; The Klu Klux clan is made up of people who are xenophobic. Since the abolition of slavery and even today they have committed violent crimes of hate.

We are not xenophobic. We do not commit violent crimes toward other people because of our fear. We do however let our fear of the unknown rule our lives. If we listen to our fear of the unknown, we choose to live our lives in our comfort zone rather than taking up the opportunity to step out into the unknown. It is when you step out into the unknown that you truly start to live your life to the fullest.

To overcome your fear of the unknown is a personal journey that never really ends. However if you live your life controlled by your fear of the unknown and want to break free then here are some strategies that will help you on your personal journey of transformation. Where you are living life to the fullest and you are no longer controlled by your fear of the unknown.

“Fear of the unknown… They are afraid of new ideas… They are loaded with prejudices, not based upon anything in reality, but based on… If something is new, I reject it immediately because it’s frightening to me.” What they do instead is just stay with the familiar. You know, to me, the most beautiful things in all the universe are the most mysterious.” Wayne Dyer

Fear is not unique to you. Fear is part of our human DNA and so it is not unusual for you to feel fear when you are stepping out into the unknown. Our brain is hardwired to prefer negative consequences to uncertain outcomes. Our brain does not like us stepping out into the unknown or living in a world of change.

However, as Wayne Dyer says in his quote above; our fear of the known is not based on reality. Our fear of the unknown is just a whole pile of self-limiting beliefs based on what we think may happen and not on what is our reality.

“The guy who takes a chance, who walks the line between the known and unknown, who is unafraid of failure, will succeed.” ~Gordon Parks.

Final thought

Find the causes of your fear and face them. 

Our fear of the unknown is part of our DNA and is an essential part of our survival. There is fear that will protect you and heighten your senses to threatening situations. This is a good fear to listen to. Then there is the fear that paralyzes you and stops you from living life to the fullest. This is the fear that you need to understand why it exists within you. The fear of the unknown is made up of many thoughts and beliefs that result from negative experiences. If you have failed in your relationships or you feel you have failed in life and have low self-belief, then your fear of the unknown will be heightened and wanting to protect you. When you are faced with the opportunity to step out of your comfort zone, spend some time analyzing the cause of your fear of the unknown. Once you have identified the cause of your fear, then brainstorm ways to minimize risk and ways in which you can cope with the hurdles. Best of luck to you.