There are ways to look inward for answers, without turning on yourself and me.

I wish I could just kiss it and it would all be alright!

 So many things bother us—people, these days. Mostly, pretty much everything has the power to upset our basic sense of well-being. Our tendency, when things bother us, is to blame the other person or situation for getting it wrong and thus causing our suffering. Once we have identified what we consider the cause of our disturbance, we usually set out to try and fix it. We attempt to change the other person’s behavior or the situation into something we consider right, or at least something that will not bother us.

There is no doubt that people and situations can be the cause of our discontent. If someone swings a baseball bat at my knee, the pain I feel is directly caused by that action. If a friend speaks unkindly to me, I feel hurt, a direct result of his/her choice of words. We impact one another; there are people and situations—infinite ones it seems—that can cause our suffering. That said, there is nothing wrong with trying to change a situation that we don’t like or that makes us unhappy. Such efforts are wise and adaptive and a way of taking agency in our lives. We need to try to change what’s not working, if we can. But this is not a post about how to more skillfully change those around us so that they can better fit into how we want them to be. This is about what happens when we are not successful at changing those around us, and cannot change the situation that is causing us pain.

I guess you could call it Plan B.

When we cannot change the cause of our suffering, many of us continue to blame the other person or situation. This may provide us with some relief, at least for a while. But what happens when trying to change the other has failed and continuing to blame is not actually making us feel better either?

Where do we go when we have run out of moves?

Freedom from the whole blaming/fixing cycle, ironically, comes from moving our attention away from the other person/problem that is to blame/fix, and turning that attention onto ourselves. When you hear that it’s time to look into yourself, you may assume (as most people do) that someone is telling you to discover how you are also to blame for the suffering you are experiencing.

This assumption would be false.

I am not suggesting that you are to blame for anything, nor am I suggesting that you search yourself for fault. This step in the process—self-investigation, the step that creates real freedom from suffering—has nothing to do with blame.

To turn your attention into yourself is to ask the question: What does this situation or person’s behavior trigger in me? What pain is generated in me when I am confronted with this behavior or reality?

I was in a relationship with a blamer for years. The problems in his life were always someone or something else’s fault and the dialogue never moved much further than that. For years I tried to change him, encouraging him to be curious and use the situations that caused suffering as opportunities to bring some light to what the real suffering was about. Through the process, sadly, I too became entrenched in blame. I blamed his blaming for my own suffering; if only he weren’t a blamer, I wouldn’t be in pain. But in the end, he didn’t change, I didn’t change, and the situation didn’t change.

And then I started thinking that probably I should take my own advice: Take the focus off the other and get curious about my own experience. Not what I was also doing (wrong) to cause the situation, but rather, what experiences, feelings, memories, beliefs, etc., were his blaming behavior really triggering in ?

What was I experiencing that made the blaming so hard to bear?

What I discovered was simple but profound—and profoundly healing. I found the center of my own truth, what I was really in contact with inside myself in relation to the blaming. Interestingly, naming what I was experiencing and what made the blaming so painful for me did not change my partner’s behavior, nor did it make the experience that arose in me disappear. What it did, however, was ease the excruciating suffering that existed for me in the situation. Rather than the blaming setting off a screeching fire alarm inside me—a code-red emergency—I could witness the blaming behavior, know what it put me in touch with, and stay calm and non-reactive. I didn’t need to change the behavior so that I could get away from some unknowable, but unbearable experience inside myself. I could say to myself (with kindness), "Oh right, this blaming triggers this such and such in me, which has a history of its own and is understandable. That’s what’s here now." And then, oddly, the whole thing is kind of done. The experience that was so threatening, and the cause of so much pain, is deactivated. Its wires are cut. The emergency of making the situation or behavior stop eases when the inarguable truth of what is happening inside us is clear. The suffering doesn’t need much more than that.

As we all know, we can’t control anyone else’s behavior, and we can’t make another person want to or be willing to change. But we can always make the choice to shift our attention inward, to focus the lens of curiosity onto ourselves. And remember, by investigating our own experience, we are not condoning the behavior that triggers our suffering, nor are we assuming responsibility for having caused it. Getting curious about what is happening inside us in a particular situation, naming it, understanding it, unpacking its history, and bringing compassion to it—this the surest path to freeing oneself from the cycle of blame and the need to change what we don’t like. Ultimately, self-awareness is the most powerful and profound antidote to suffering.

What do you mean by " it's just a dog "?

Life was so much simpler when it was just me and my dog

me and my “just a dog,” moments. I’m getting up early, going for long walks and looking forward to the future. So for me, and for people like me, it is not “just a dog,” but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the memories of the past and the absolute joy of the moment

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I will not accept your perspective.

I'm done talking about this!

Understanding the Other Person's Perspective Will Radically Increase Your Success as a couple.

To be a true success we must possess masterful people skills. The key to successful relationships lies solely in our ability to take the perspective of another. Perspective taking is that all important skill of being able to look at things from a point of view other than our own. Perspective taking brings in the mindfulness of compassion and empathy to our relationships. When these two qualities are present in our interactions mutual respect, success and movement forward is guaranteed.

 Think of others.

Whenever we are in the presence of another it is natural to think about what they may be thinking (if we are not self-centered). We observe them instinctively and notice subtleties such as what they are doing, where they are looking, and what their body language is indicating. This helps us determine if we feel comfortable around them which helps us decide if we want to interact with them and how.

If we feel comfortable around another person we begin to think more logistically, like if now is a good time to talk with them, or if they seem unavailable or busy so we can decide the most effective way to proceed. All of this subtle information acts to prompt us to speak up in the conversation or to decide to hold back for a more convenient time.

 Emotional regulation and empathy.

Perspective taking relies not only upon our ability to share emotions with others, but also upon our capacity to regulate our own emotions. To be effective with others we must be aware of what might trigger us so we can quickly refocus ourselves on what is happening with the other. When it comes to empathy, the point is not to ask ourselves what we would do in any given situation; it’s to try and understand what another would do.

If our empathic accuracy and emotional regulation skills are strong we are more successful in our interactions. We possess the depth and awareness to predict the attitudes, expectations, and intentions of others that may be very different from our own. This creates an interpersonal connectedness which is built to thrive and succeed because people feel heard, validated and understood on the other side of us.

What is she thinking when she can't even look at me

3. Correctly reading other people.

The emotions are our perspective taking guides. They help us to read people. We naturally track the behaviors of others to try and determine what they are thinking, feeling doing or planning. Our brains assist us by providing us a social radar system which helps us determine people’s motives and intentions, even when our attention is not specifically on them.

In this way our sensitivities are our strengths. These sensitivities to other people alert our gut instincts to the intentions of others and to sense any possible emotional changes in them or the peripheral work environment. It is important to trust what we intuit about the intentions others because it helps us to gauge how we can most successfully show up in the interaction.

conclusion:

What happens when you change a person's perspective?

Change a person’s perspective and you change what the person attends to and the way the person interprets the events in his or her life. Perspectives, furthermore, can create bias.

Perspective taking is that all important skill of being able to look at things from a point of view other than our own. Perspective taking brings in the mindfulness of compassion and empathy to our relationships. When these two qualities are present in our interactions mutual respect, success and movement forward is somewhat guaranteed.

Just like the example given often the 6 and 9, your life perspective is the way you see things. Life perspective is the way people see life, including the way they approach life and all there is in their personal experience. In this life, few things are absolutely right or wrong. What we usually have are two different perspectives on one thing. We have a person saying something is bad and it should not be done, because then we have another persons angle to consider

HOW can we possibly see things the same way if we are looking in the opposite direction

 

If two people look at the same object, do they see the same thing, or do they see something different?

Both of us are depends on our concept of identity. Presumably, there is an object there, which is itself and only one, regardless of who is looking at it. Even this is a view not necessarily shared by all lines of thought. What the two people who both look at this object see, are representations created by their respective brains. If one of them drops dead or looks away, the other will still see the object. Therefore, these representations are not the same. On the other hand, one can argue that they are representation of the same object that exists in reality.

 

If, on the other hand, we believe that ‘things’ have no existence independent of the act of observation, it seems to me that we can never know for sure whether two observers are having identical experiences. Even if they are, each is independently creating the thing he is observing in the act of observing it: there are two ‘things’ that happen to be identical.

It might be asked why two independent observers should happen to have the same experience at the same time, if there is nothing that exists objectively, in its own right, to produce that common experience. I prefer to believe in the independent existence of objects.

What are you doing on your cellphone,
this is meant to be  our time together

They’re in a common relationship dilemma: What do you do when the other person disappoints, annoys, upsets, or disagrees with you? What do you do when you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye?

You can pout, get angry, threaten, or cajole, to get her or him to come around to your way of thinking.

But such tactics will turn the two of you into adversaries, so it is worth finding another way to respond.

Listen, we are two different people, so it’s impossible that you’re going to always agree. If you want to stop this endless arguing, you have got to accept that neither of us is right. Each of us is going to have our own views and sometimes, your own path.

I know we’re two different people, but don’t we have to find a way to agree? If we are going to stay married.

I just love it when we see things from the same direction

Many of us believe that we have to march in lockstep with our significant other, though in fact this isn’t the truth.

Yes, you’re a couple, but you’re also individuals and there’s no way for two different people to agree on everything.

But how can we function separately and still be a couple? I feel like we never agree about what direction we should go in.”

Finding a way to be both an individual and part of a couple is a balancing act It’s not all-or-nothing. You might sometimes go in the same direction, and you might sometimes go in different directions.

“What are you saying? Do things his way one time, and my way the next? Then do things separately, the time after that? Or, toss a coin?”

No, there’s no simple formula.

So what are couples  supposed to do?

For starters, when you disagree, you could talk about why each of you wants to do things your way.

To persuade each other? you could ask.

That’s not the point, although it may be an outcome, sometimes. It’s about letting your spouse know why things are important to you, and understanding why things are important to your spouse.

The result might be that you decide to do what he prefers, because you understand that doing so would mean a great deal to him. Maybe you’ll do so out of generosity; or maybe you’ll do so even if you don’t want to, because you think it’s the right thing for you to do. Or, she may decide that what you want is most important, and be willing to do it your way.

I understand that I might decide to do things her way, or she might decide to do things my way. But what happens if it is really important to me that we do it my way and really important to her that we do it his way?

Great question.

In a relationship, it is inevitable that the two of you will sometimes have very different views and priorities, on small matters and on issues of great importance. So it is inevitable that there will be times when you let each other down by holding your ground when your partner would prefer that you be flexible. When you put thought and consideration into such decisions, taking the time to understand your partner’s position, you’re less likely to feel like enemies when you must differ.

If you are not having trouble disagreeing without getting angry or damaging your alliance, you are better than most couples, these days.  

 

Is She a BOSS or Just A Bossy wifey

 

Let me tell you quick little story about why I'm this way

Being the oldest of four kids, She was pretty much born into the role of “ being a leader.” Even if she didn’t necessarily want to be. There was no escaping the inevitable, “you shouldn’t do that because your siblings are watching you” speech from her parents throughout her life. She have never been someone who was neutral or able to easily take instruction from people. Thankfully, She have come to grow out of that and learned that just because someone tells her what to do doesn’t mean they are trying to control her (oh, to be a healthy enneagram 8). She grew out of thinking she knew what was best for everyone around her. But I doubt she will ever grow out of her naturally sometimes-(accidentally)-domineering demeanor., She was born into a leadership position and haven’t been able to shake the feeling since. Here’s the thing about being a “leader” though— when a man gives orders, he is simply a “natural leader.” When a woman does the exact same thing, she gets called “bossy.” The example sentence under the dictionary definition of “bossy” reads, “she was headlong, bossy, scared of nobody, and full of vinegar.” Interesting that it uses a female as an example.

Growing up, she  didn’t get called bossy a lot. but she grew  older she  thinks a lot of people did  trust her leadership, because she  was able to say and do things with confidence. But when she got to high school and then college, she  lost her drive to be a leader because she was scared of seaming to bulldozing others. He had spent a lot of my adolescence and adulthood trying to figure out how she can be a good leader as a young woman. As silly as it is, sometimes she did worry about being “the bossy woman.” She gets worried about being seen as someone who rudely tells others what to do and doesn’t treat people well. But that isn’t leadership, and being bossy doesn’t have a negative connotation. In a way, sometimes it’s the only means of getting things done.

alright ladies we have deadline that has to be met

her label became   “being too aggressive,” have been words used against women for decades that were meant to tear women down; to shut them up. Don’t let the sharpness of others’ words dull your independent and rugged spirit. Women are allowed to be in charge and they are allowed to do it with all of the confidence and boldness as men do. Taking charge and being a true leader is a calling. The Lord used many women in the Bible to lead with strength and guidance from Him. And He didn’t stop with our sisters in the Bible. God is actively using women every day in positions of power to lead people in the right direction. And what makes those women great leaders? The ability to make decisions and do what’s right while also giving guidance to others along the way. You might call them “bossy,” but hey, they’re the boss

When a female boss leaves the work place how is her role in her relationship perceived?

 What does Wifey Means? 

What word wifey means: A plain definition of a wifey is a woman that is in a potentially  serious relationship with a man.  She is more so of an elevated girlfriend but not really an actual wife.

Typically, the relationship is so serious that the man considers her to be wife material, but she is called his wifey because they are not married but due to the title the name gives the appearance of marriage.  A wifey is a woman who does not understand that you don’t play wife to a boyfriend.  Instead, she feels that if she gives the appearance of a wife then she is really one. 

On the outside, they appear to be married.  They may live together, have children together, some people go so far as to actually wearing rings but they are not legally married.

What Wifey Means & Why Does It Even Matter?

I can get a pigeon cook it, serve it to you, and call it a chicken. Just because she is calling it by something else and it kind of sort of looks like a chicken does NOT make it so. It is still a pigeon. Meaning that a girlfriend can call herself whatever she wants but only that piece of paper (AKA a marriage certificate) makes her a wife. 

Never fall into the “As long as a man treats you good, what difference does a title make?” Or “The title wifey, has a wife prefix in it” so it is kind of like a wife right category. Don’t play wife to a boyfriend when you are not getting the full benefits of being a wife. It is cute to call each other husband and wifey in public and on social media. But think of this.  God forbid if something happens then what? If he dies are you entitled to his to anything as a wifey? Are you going to show up to the hospital and try to make decisions as a wifey? Be put on his health insurance as a wifey, have access to all of his bank accounts and assets in case something happens to him as a wifey? Probably not. So you see, I do not care how close the name is, a wifey is really not a wife.

Yu can call yourself a wifey and he can call you a wifey but on any given day he can just up and leave you and it would not be hard at all.  He would not have to get a divorce, no entitlements to alimony, he can kick you out of the house you share together and only his name is on and there is nothing you can do about it.

Does it really sound the same? So I ask you, do you want to be a girlfriend or a wife.  Do you want the automatic benefits of a wife or do you want to try to fight for the same benefits as a girlfriend? Never settle into the role of a wifey thinking that it is the same thing as a wife and never let a man trick you into thinking that the title of a wife does not matter because it does.

A wife means that you are legally bonded to your husband as a wifey and you are just a glorified girlfriend portraying a wife in name only with no real clout behind the title. 

3. What Wifey Means As far as Commitment?

Even though a man may be committed to you, on any given day he could really get up and leave without any real repercussions.  As a wife, you have a contract, also known as a marriage certificate that is a legally binding document that tells the world and whatever country you live in; that you are committed to this person.  And if one person decides they want to leave, then they must go through a legal process to get a divorce.

When people get married there is typically a wedding or they go to the Justice of the Peace. Even if you elope there is some witness that needs to be present that you acknowledge your love in front of.  Vows may vary  but they typically say:

 

I take you to be my wife, for sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer ˜until death do us part

For many people when this process happens the couple is surrounded by family, friends, and the people they love the most. They are acknowledging each other in public letting the world know that what they have is permanent and not just a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.

Even if you plan to go to Vegas and get married in front of Elvis.  I can promise you that even with an Elvis wedding a witness will have to be present, to verify and confirm that you two have acknowledged your love to one another; and you are now joined as one. With the wifey, she has no such benefits.

What Wifey Means as far as Benefits?

You do not want to play wife without getting the benefits of being the wife. And this is actually one of the main reasons that you don’t play wife to a boyfriend.  Because you will be cheating yourself. As a wife you are eligible to be put on your husband’s health insurance, be the beneficiary to his life insurance policy at work, if he dies you have a right to your lives together, and you get to collect his social security as well. 

As a wifey, you get none of that.  If a husband gets hit by a car, a wife makes all the important decisions regarding his medical care.  A wifey will have to fight his next of kin which may be his mamma because she has no legal right to do anything.

If you really want to understand what does wifey means, then know this.  Just because you say it does not make it true.  And never allow a man to convince you that a wife and a wifey are the same things.  Do not let a man convince you that he calls you his wifey and therefore he does not really need to marry you. 

He does. Or at least you should want him to.  Given all the above information I just presented to you.  Really think about what you want.  Do you want to be a wife or a wifey? And if you want to be a wife then don’t play wife to a boyfriend because he has no incentive to make you his wife, which I talk about in my video below.  When a man loves you but won’t marry you.

 

I'm speaking so listen up everybody!

Conclusion:

Bossy wifey act do different from a bossy wife.

The bossy, nagging wife is a classic American stereotype. It can be found in just about every family sitcom over the past 50 years.

Unfortunately, many men find it a harshly realistic stereotype that’s coming true in their marriage. If this is you…

• You probably feel like your wife is always criticizing you, or like you can never do anything right.
• It seems like she doesn’t respect your opinion, or like she doesn’t care what you have to say.
• Maybe your wifey\wife is starting to feel more like your mother than your spouse/partner?

I’m not talking about the occasional nagging. Everybody – both men and women – have their occasional moments of naggings.

I’m talking about constant, control-freak level criticism. Does it feel like there’s literally nothing you can do to please your wifey/wife?.

But first, let’s talk about the difference between confident bossiness vs. controlling criticism. Because there’s an important difference, despite the controversial title of this post.

She Doesn’t Know Any Other Way

Is your wife’s mother controlling or critical?

What about her father?

This applies to both men and women who exhibit controlling or domineering behavior. They grew up in a home where unappreciative bossiness was the norm.

Chances are, your wifey grew up in a home with a controlling, critical and unloving parent.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about this particular reason except acknowledge its existence.

If your wifey/wife did grow up with an overly controlling parent, it’s always going to be challenging for her to do anything other than be controlling.

That’s just how she’s been taught.

If this describes your wifey/wife, you’re going to need a heavy dose of patience and mucho empathy?

Who's standards are more dominant

 

“The double standard is expecting a spouse to meet his/her needs without meeting theirs.”

A friend of mine is married to a school teacher. His wife has to get up early and needs her sleep to have enough energy for the kids in her class. Often, she will go to bed earlier than my friend who is a night owl. Early in their marriage, on more than one occasion, he stumbled into the bedroom late without considering his volume. He found out quickly how much that agitated his wife. She gave him an earful about his lack of consideration and selfishness; he then complained about her over-sensitivity and harshness.

Many mornings she woke up, turned the lights on, loudly sifted through dresser drawers, and burst through doors in a focused rush to get to work. She operated completely unaware of the disruption she made. My friend would lie in bed angry that his morning sleep was disrupted. Each held the other to a double standard. Each one expected the other to uphold standards that they broke a moment later. Such attitudes can attack the foundation of even the strongest marriages. Here are some common double standards in marriage and ways to avoid them.

1. Meeting Each Other’s Needs.

She expects all of her emotional needs to be met before having sex. He expects all of his sexual needs to be met before meeting her emotional needs. The double standard is expecting a spouse to meet his/her needs without meeting the needs of the other. Either or both parties end up frustrated.

Here are a few  How to Avoid: A good way to avoid this is by putting your spouse’s needs before your own. When you do that consistently, you can call on your spouse to do the same. Someone has to make the first move though. It might as well be you.

2. Her Parents and His Parents.

One spouse’s parents receive more attention, have concessions made for them, or are always welcome. When the in-laws come around, the attitudes change. Extended family dynamics and a rigidity to change can cause significant marital stress.

How to Avoid: Focus on why your spouse may have a double standard. In what ways are they pressured by their family? Are they intimidated by yours? Discuss it with them. Be sure to explain how and why it hurts you and your family.

3. Spending Habits.

One person buys a lot of things for themselves; many are frivolous. Yet, they are critical when the other makes similar purchases. It’s important to come to an agreement regarding financial choices.

How to Avoid: This takes a lot of dialogue, budgeting, and a financial plan. Meet with a financial advisor. Take time together to go over the types of purchases that are appropriate — or not. If there are core issues of distrust and/or resentment regarding money, they need to be dealt with.

4. Her Friends and His Friends.

There can be several double standards here. One goes out with their friends all the time while criticizing any time the other does the same. Another scenario is having disdain for a spouse’s friends while overlooking the imperfections of their own friends. Lastly, one may have strict rules about their spouse having friends of the opposite sex while not applying the same rules to themselves.

How to Avoid: In general, try to treat the other’s friends well. Discuss the subject openly, listen, and show grace. Setting a schedule for equal time may be a good place to start. If either one has a friend or friends who are a bad influence, there may be a need to discontinue those friendships. Understand that this is a hard thing to ask your spouse to do. Be patient and give it time.     

5. Household Chores.

This normally breaks down into gender roles. Certain jobs around the house are considered a man’s or woman’s job. If a wife makes dinner, it’s expected. When a husband makes dinner, he is going above and beyond. When a husband takes out the garbage, he is doing what he is supposed to do; when a wife does it, she is picking up the slack. Now if those roles are clearly delegated, it isn’t a double standard. Having those expectations, without an agreement, is where the problem arises.

How to Avoid: Divide the chores so the workload is even. Consider rotating chores if there is disagreement about who does what. 

6. Hurting One Another.

We all hurt one another. However, when one spouse wants the other to quickly let go of a hurt they caused while dragging it out when the roles are reversed, constitutes a double standard.

How to Avoid: Set rules for how you argue and reconcile with one another. Having boundaries and guidelines surrounding conflict can make all the difference.  

7. Watching the Kids.

At the end of the day, everyone is tired. After a long day at work, one spouse tends to come home tired and looking for rest. The other spouse, whether a stay-at-home or working parent, is looking for the same. The double standard comes in when one expects the other to solely handle all of the kid duties.

Conclusion:

When my now ex-wife and I first got married, I was convinced that I knew how to be a great husband ( I remembered how my dad was a great Husband and father).  However, it didn’t take long to see that I still had a lot to learn about caring for this lady I had chosen to be my wife.

Now that we are  divorced, we were  together for over 25 years, I can honestly say that a good amount of our growth can be credited to the fact that I’ve learned that the other spouse’s needs are quite often very different than our own. We’ve found that when we fail to realize what our spouse needed most, it can lead to unnecessary friction, frustration, and even resentment in our hearts towards one another.

As men, we are wired with different needs than our women.  While there could be many things included in a list of what women need. I’ve learned that  wives need way more than men.

Does your value decrease based on someone else view of your worth.

 I wanted to hit you with Zig Ziglar's quote that speaks to this problem. “Your value doesn't decrease based on someone else's inability to see your worth”. Now think about that. Just because someone sees something differently does not mean you need to adjust the way you perceive yourself.

I value you! in more ways than one!

I have been thinking a whole lot lately about what social media has been doing where it is Influencing the next generation and even the current generation about people's self image and worth. 

Having a sense of self-worth means that you value yourself, and having a sense of self-value means that you are worthy. of other's respect. Self-worth is defined by Merriam-Webster as: “a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect.

What is knowing your value?

In any given situation, knowing your value means feeling that you are an equal with anyone you interact with: clients, bosses, colleagues, lovers  or friends. You are not a supplicant. Nor do you feel privileged to be with someone or to work in a particular type of organization. 

Here are 3 types of Values that should be  standards or ideals with which we evaluate actions, people, things, or situations. Beauty, honesty, justice, peace, generosity are all examples of values that many people endorse. In thinking about values it is useful to distinguish them into three kinds:

• Personal values: values endorsed by an individual. For example, some people regard family as their most important values, and structure their lives so that they can spend more time with their family. Other people might value success instead, and give less time to their families in order to achieve their goals.
• Moral values: values that help determine what is morally right or wrong, e.g. freedom, fairness, equality, etc., well-being. Those which are used to evaluate social institutions are sometimes also known as political values.
• Aesthetic values: values associated with the evaluation of artwork or beauty.

10 Values Every 20-Something Man Should Strive To Embody.

• Loyalty. Loyalty seems to be lost in today's world.
• Respect. Respect is one of the highest signs of an actualized man. 
• Action. Society has conditioned people — men, especially — not to be people of action. 
• Ambition. 
• Compassion. 
• Resiliency. 
• Taking Risk..
• Centeredness.

Alright I love you ,but please stay away from ears.

      
Conclusion.
How we see things are often influenced by others. 

Ends are goals. Means are ways, methods, instruments, or tools to achieve goals. If you desire (or want) something, then that which you desire is an end (or a goal) of yours. Ends of yours are just that which you desire. Suppose you desire owning a dog. Then, owning a dog is an end of yours. Note that one and the same thing can be an end as well as a means to promote something else. For instance, you might want to own a dog because you want a companion. Then owning a dog is not only an end of yours. It is also a means to achieve a further end, namely having a companion.

How do you deal when the clouds of doubt roll in

  

Lets Talk About Relationship Doubts We Should Never Ignore

Don’t be fooled by Kate Hudson movies or the yoga teacher-turned lifestyle-blogger you went to high school with, no one has a perfect relationship. Healthy conflicts, disagreements, and being unbelievably annoyed at your partner for leaving the coffee grounds in the pot *again*, all come with being a party of two. But while everyone has bad days, if you’re feeling hesitation about your relationship all the time, it may be time for a check-in. In fact, there will be  doubts about relationships you shouldn’t  ignore, as they could indicate trouble for the future.

Your instincts are very important to listen to. They often clue you into what you really feel about a situation, instead of what you think is socially appropriate to say or do. If not attended to, this can result in anxiety and/or depression and possibly committing to be with the wrong person."

 while some relationship conflicts can be worked out naturally over time, other issues, like having doubts about a relationship require some serious contemplation. Though it can seem intimidating to talk about your relationship doubts, being open and transparent with your partner can help you in the present and as you build a future.

If you’re confused about the next steps, experts share these 12 relationships doubts should be addressed sooner than later.

Are They Being Honest?

Transparency is an integral part of any relationship. Along with communication, honesty is a cornerstone to any relationship," Koonce tells Bustle. "Having doubts about your partner's ability to be open and honest is a relationship flag that should not be ignored."

If you’re starting to doubt your partner’s honesty, it’s likely time to check-in. "Talk about the problem externally, addressing the behavior rather than the person,” Kelly Bos, psychotherapist and relationship expert, tells Bustle. “Talk about how it affects you and the relationship.”

Rather than hitting your partner with a, “So, what’s up with you always lying?” Bos suggests asking about their behavior rather than them. Something like, “When your words and actions don’t align, I get really confused,” addresses the dishonesty without putting your partner on blast.

Are They Still Attracted To You?

after the honeymoon phase wears off, it’s natural to see each other in a different light, however, if you’re having relationship doubts about if your partner is attracted to you, it’s time to talk.

Doubts about your physical compatibility may not necessarily be written off as just 'minor blips.

think about specific things to ask for. Often we get stressed that the attraction won’t come back and we start living as if this is our future. Try to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment at hand and have ideas at hand on how you can work on it as a couple.”

Whether you want to institute a running date night, incorporate more handholding, or want more verbal affirmations, being clear on your needs can help you and your partner connect.

Let's take a look at the following and think about how we react  and  behave 

• Meeting Each Other's Needs. The double standard is expecting a spouse to meet his/her needs without meeting theirs. 
• Her Parents and His Parents.
• Spending Habits. 
• Her Friends and His Friends. 
• Household Chores. 
• Hurting One Another. .
• Watching the Kids. Who's turn is it.