7/07/2023

Cultural appropriation is a term that isn’t often heard in daily conversation

 It means it’s inevitably misunderstood by those who feel attacked by feminists, sociologically-informed, and others who use the term.

she may like the way she looks in dreadlocks,
but she might be the only one who likes  her hair this way!



Many  white persons sporting dreadlocks or a bindi online has taken cultural appropriation to mean the policing of what white people can or can’t wear and enjoy.

Having considered their fashion choices a form of personal expression, some may feel unfairly targeted for simply dressing and acting in a way that feels comfortable for them.

The same can be said for those who find criticisms of the Harlem Shake meme and whatever it is Miley Cyrus did last month to be an obnoxious form of hipsterdom – just because something has origins in black culture, they say, doe
sn’t mean white artists can’t emulate and enjoy it.

And then there are people who believe that everything is cultural appropriation – from the passing around of gun powder to the worldwide popularity of tea.

They’re tired of certain forms of cultural appropriation – like models in Native American headdresses – being labeled as problematic while many of us are gorging on Chipotle burritos, doing yoga, and popping sushi into our mouths with chopsticks.

They have a point.

Where do we draw the line between “appropriate” forms of cultural exchange and more damaging patterns of cultural appropriation?

To be honest, I don’t know that there is a thin, straight line between them.

But even if the line between exchange and appropriation bends, twists, and loop-de-loops in ways it would take decades of academic thought to unpack, it has a definite starting point: Respect.

What Cultural Exchange Is Not

One of the reasons that cultural appropriation is a hard concept to grasp for so many is that Westerners are used to pressing their own culture onto others and taking what they want in return.

We tend to think of this as cultural exchange when really, it’s no more an exchange than pressuring your neighbors to adopt your ideals while stealing their family heirlooms.

True cultural exchange is not the process of “Here’s my culture, I’ll have some of yours” that we sometimes think it is. It’s something that should be mutual.

Just because Native Americans wear business suits doesn’t mean all Americans own bindis and saris. Just because some black Americans straighten their hair doesn’t mean all Americans own dreadlocks.

The fact is, Western culture invites and, at times, demands assimilation. Not every culture has chosen to open itself up to being adopted by outsiders in the same way.

And there’s good reason for that.

“Ethnic” clothes and hairstyles are still stigmatized as unprofessional, “cultural” foods are treated as exotic past times, and the vernacular of people of color is ridiculed and demeaned.

So there is an unequal exchange between Western culture – an all-consuming mishmash of over-simplified and sellable foreign influences with a dash each of Coke and Pepsi – and marginalized cultures.

People of all cultures wear business suits and collared shirts to survive. But when one is of the dominant culture, adopting the clothing, food, or slang of other cultures has nothing to do with survival.

So as free as people should be to wear whatever hair and clothing they enjoy, using someone else’s cultural symbols to satisfy a personal need for self-expression is an exercise in privilege.

Because for those of us who have felt forced and pressured to change the way we look, behave, and speak just to earn enough respect to stay employed and safe, our modes of self-expression are still limited.

African American Vernacular English (AAVE) is consistently treated as lesser than Standard English, but people whitewash black slang and use expressions they barely understand as punch lines, or to make themselves seem cool.

People shirk “ethnic” clothes in corporate culture, but wear bastardized versions of them on Halloween.

There is no exchange, understanding, or respect in such cases – only taking.

What Cultural Exchange Can Look Like

That doesn’t mean that cultural exchange never happens, or that we can never partake in one another’s cultures. But there needs to be some element of mutual understanding, equality, and respect for it to be a true exchange.

I remember that at my sister’s wedding, the groom – who happened to be white – changed midway through the ceremony along with my sister into modern, but fairly traditional, Nigerian clothes.

Even though some family members found it amusing, there was never any undertone of the clothes being treated as a costume or “experience” for a white person to enjoy for a little bit and discard later. He was invited – both as a new family member and a guest – to engage our culture in this way.


If he had been obnoxious about it – treated it as exotic or weird or pretended he now understood what it means to be Nigerian and refused to wear Western clothes ever again – the experience would have been more appropriative.

But instead, he wore them from a place of respect.

That’s what cultural exchange can look like – engaging with a culture as a respectful and humble guest, invitation only.

Don’t overstay your welcome. Don’t pretend to be a part of the household. Don’t make yourself out to be an honored guest whom the householders should be grateful to entertain and educate for hours on end.

Don’t ask a bunch of personal questions or make light of something that’s clearly a sore spot. Just act like any polite house guest would by being attentive and knowing your boundaries.

If, instead, you try to approach another culture as a mooch, busybody, or interloper, you will be shown the door. It’s that simple.

Well, maybe not as simple when you move beyond the metaphor and into the real world. If you’re from a so-called melting pot nation, you know what’s it’s like to be a perpetual couch surfer moving through the domains of many cultures.

Where Defining Cultural Appropriation Gets Messy

Is the Asian fusion takeout I order every week culturally appropriative? Even though I’m Black, is wearing dreadlocks appropriating forms of religious expression that really don’t belong to me?

Is meditating cultural appropriation? Is Western yoga appropriation? Is eating a burrito, cosplaying, being truly fascinated by another culture, decorating with Shoji screens, or wearing a headscarf cultural appropriation?

There are so many things that have been chopped up, recolored, and tossed together to make up Western culture that even when we know things are appropriative in some way, we find them hard to let go of.

And then there are the things that have been freely shared by other cultures – Buddhism for example – that have been both respected and bastardized at different turns in the process of exchange.

At times, well-meaning people who struggle with their own appropriative behavior turn to textbooks, online comment boards, Google, and Tumblr ask boxes in search of a clear cut answer to the question, “Is this [insert pop culture thing, hairstyle, tattoo, or personal behavior here] cultural appropriation?”

That’s a question we have to educate ourselves enough to, if not answer, think critically about.

We have a responsibility to listen to people of marginalized cultures, understand as much as possible the blatant and subtle ways in which their cultures have been appropriated and exploited, and educate ourselves enough to make informed choices when it comes to engaging with people of other cultures.

So if you’re reading this and you’re tired of people giving white women wearing bindis crap for appropriating because “freedom of speech,” recognize that pointing out cultural appropriation is not personal.

This isn’t a matter of telling people what to wear. It’s a matter of telling people that they don’t wear things in a vacuum and there are many social and historical implications to treating marginalized cultures like costumes.

It’s also not a matter of ignoring “real” issues in favor of criticizing the missteps of a few hipsters, fashion magazines, or baseball teams.

Cultural appropriation is itself a real issue because it demonstrates the imbalance of power that still remains between cultures that have been colonized and the ex-colonizers.


Regardless, this is not an article asking you to over-analyze everything you do and wrack yourself with guilt.

Because honestly, no one cares about your guilt, no one cares about your hurt feelings, and no one cares about your clothes or hair when they’re pointing out cultural appropriation.

When someone’s behavior is labeled culturally appropriative, it’s usually not about that specific person being horrible and evil.

It’s about a centuries’ old pattern of taking, stealing, exploiting, and misunderstanding the history and symbols that are meaningful to people of marginalized cultures.

The intentions of the inadvertent appropriator are irrelevant in this context.

Therefore, what this blog-post is asking you to do is educate yourself, listen, and be open to reexamining the symbols you use without thinking, the cultures you engage with without understanding, and the historical and social climate we all need to be seeing.


7/06/2023

why am I in love with this painting. Cultural Appreciation vs. Cultural Appropriation: Why it Matters?

                                   It is very Simple and very beautiful is the only way to describe it.

Years of viewing white women on TV has not made me more impressed by them. 
However looking at paintings like this one really has impressed me.

We as people of color have been exposed to other cultures  so much so that we dont appreciate our own the way we should.

It is important to understand, however, that there is a difference between appreciation and appropriation.  Appreciation is when someone seeks to understand and learn about another or their own  culture in an effort to broaden their perspective and connect with others cross-culturally.  Appropriation on the other hand, is simply taking one aspect of a culture that is not your own and using it for your own personal interest.  Appropriation could mean of purchasing a piece of jewelry or clothing that may have important cultural significance to that culture, but simply using it as a fashion statement.  It could be taking a photo of a ritual ceremony simply for the sake of getting as many likes on Social media as possible.  Regardless, taking a part of another culture without understanding what it truly means can be harmful not only to those whose culture you are using but also to those with whom you share it.

So, how can you explore and take part in a culture without exploiting it for your own use?  Here are a few great ways!

  1. Examine your own culture. Through self-reflection, you will be better able to understand differences and determine what is important in cultures across the world.  If you realize that a specific aspect of your own cultural background is central to your identity, and it would offend you if someone were to use it without understanding fully what it means, consider that people all over the world, in cultures other than your own, may feel exactly the same way.
    • Think about: Would I be offended if someone wore an important religious symbol from my culture without understanding what it truly means?
  2. Listen first.  One of the best ways to understand and appreciate another culture is by listening to those who are a part of the fabric of that society.  Listen to their stories, understand the implications behind the aspects of their culture that you are interested in, and use that understanding to broaden your worldview.
    • Think about: I recently purchased a beautiful piece of handmade jewelry.  Did I listen to the artist who created the piece to learn more about his or her background, what their work means to them, and how it fits into the culture of that place?  If not, I may be appropriating instead of appreciating.
  3. Consider context. What does a certain symbol mean to a particular culture? When and where is it appropriate to use it? Understanding what the various aspects of a culture are and what they mean are so important.  If you truly have an interest in a person’s life, more than likely, they will be happy to share with you the things that matter to them.
    • Think about: Did I just take a piece of someone’s culture to use for my own benefit, without knowing the significance behind it? Did I ask about the origins of the custom, item, or symbol?  This is so important in understanding and appreciating a culture.
  4. Share your own culture. The most important part of cultural exchange – and what best distinguishes it from appropriation is that exchange is mutual.  Through appreciation and exchange, you are able to share something about yourself, learn something about someone else, and partake in a mutual understanding of one another’s background and culture.
    • Think about: Am I equally interested in sharing a piece of my own language, food, customs, and traditions? Chances are, this person is just as excited to learn about my culture as I am about theirs.  What an incredible part of cultural exchange and appreciation!
Final thought.
Still unsure?  make sure that you are respecting and appreciating other cultures in an appropriate way! Avoid using others cultures  as fetishes.i.e. she is lite skin so she is who I want because of her skin color.

Signs Your Date may not be Interested in You

                                                She looks at you but does not focus on you.

KEY POINTS

If someone breaks or postpones plans more than once in the early stages of dating, it shows they are conflicted.

A person will usually introduce someone they're interested in romantically to a few key people in their life within a couple of months of dating.

People will schedule dates with those they're truly interested in on Fridays and Saturdays.

Although dating is supposed to be more hedonistic than masochistic, countless men and women looking for a relationship inevitably find the whole process to be kind of awful. The reason? It’s often difficult to figure out what the person you’re dating is thinking—or whether they are truly interested in you at all.

A Psychologist who specializes in relationships, said he hear men and women alike sit on the couch in his office and reveal a list of ways they’ve been brushed off, without ever being told directly, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a good fit.”

Rather than use that simple sentence—which takes a total of four seconds to utter—scores of daters rely on one of the following brush-off techniques to do the dirty work for them.

If you are on the receiving end of a brush-off technique, quickly identify it as such and then consider moving the heck on. After all, what you need in a romantic partner is a bona fide grown-up, one who can handle actual adult conversations, awkward as they may be.

If you start dating someone who ends up using one of these cowardly techniques on you, tell yourself, "Good riddance," because that kind of person isn’t the kind of person you’d want to be with anyhow. If you’re in it for the long haul, you want someone with character and integrity.

Texting or emailing in response to your phone call

If your new date occasionally texts in response to your phone calls, don’t overthink it. But if she regularly texts you when you call her, understand that you—or your needs—are getting brushed off.

Even if she doesn’t love talking on the phone, she should be willing to talk on the phone with you a few times each week. If she can’t meet this need, it’s time for you to keep looking.

Postponing plans due to sickness or a busy schedule

As an Analyst my skin crawls when clients tell me they lose interest in someone and stop returning calls and texts altogether. As a community, we can do better than that.

If you meet someone you like, make a concerted effort to not break plans in the first few weeks of dating. This period is filled with enough uncertainty, and you don’t want to give someone you like the wrong message.

Likewise, if someone you’re newly dating breaks or postpones plans more than once with you, it’s a bona fide brush-off. Your date’s behavior shows how conflicted she is, and she could be conflicted for different reasons: She recently met someone else whom she’s getting to know; she works a lot and isn’t sure she has the time to devote to a new relationship; she wants to start something new but still feels scarred by an ex.

Bottom line: Nothing crushes self-esteem like not being prioritized, so identify the brush-off for what it is and start focusing your energies on someone new.

Avoiding introducing you to their friends

The usual mistake many people make early in dating is introducing a new date to friends too soon. The situation sounds harmless on the surface, but friends typically end up scrutinizing every detail of the new man or woman you’re dating, and that makes your date feel uncomfortable.

What happens when you want to meet your date’s friends, roommates, and so forth, but you haven’t been given the opportunity? If you’ve been dating a couple of months but haven’t met a few of the major players in your date’s personal life, it’s safe to assume that you’re being brushed off.

Scheduling daytime or early evening dates

In the beginning, it makes perfect sense to schedule a date over lunch or early evening coffee. However, if your date is truly interested in you, you will soon be scheduled during the highly coveted Friday and Saturday night slots. If you keep getting offers to meet him or her during other periods of the week, it’s safe to say that your date doesn’t yet consider you prime-time

If you’re still dating or talking to someone at the one- or two-month mark, you should be invited to get together during weekend evening hours. If not, it’s a brush-off—and your self-esteem is begging you to move on.





Are you a high IQ, EQ, SQ or AQ

An Intelligence Woman (shared the following with me)




"According to Psychologists, there are four types of Intelligence:

1) Intelligence Quotient (IQ)
2) Emotional Quotient (EQ)
3) Social Quotient (SQ)
4) Adversity Quotient (AQ)

1. Intelligence Quotient (IQ): this is the measure of your level of comprehension. You need IQ to solve math, memorize things, and recall lessons.

2. Emotional Quotient (EQ): this is the measure of your ability to maintain peace with others, keep to time, be responsible, be honest, respect boundaries, be humble, genuine and considerate.

3. Social Quotient (SQ): this is the measure of your ability to build a network of friends and maintain it over a long period of time.

People that have higher EQ and SQ tend to go further in life than those with a high IQ but low EQ and SQ. Most schools capitalize on improving IQ levels while EQ and SQ are played down.

A man of high IQ can end up being employed by a man of high EQ and SQ even though he has an average IQ.

Your EQ represents your Character, while your SQ represents your Charisma. Give in to habits that will improve these three Qs, especially your EQ and SQ.

Now there is a 4th one, a new paradigm:

4. The Adversity Quotient (AQ): The measure of your ability to go through a rough patch in life, and come out of it without losing your mind.

When faced with troubles, AQ determines who will give up, who will abandon their family, and who will consider suicide.

Parents please expose your children to other areas of life than just Academics. They should adore manual labor (never use work as a form of punishment), Sports and Arts.

Develop their IQ, as well as their EQ, SQ and AQ. They should become multifaceted human beings able to do things independently of their parents.

Finally, do not prepare the road for your children. Prepare your children for the road."


The following might be helpful

The Seven Sacred Teachings include:
1. Wisdom involves making wise choices that lead us on a path of positive growth and development. To attain wisdom, one must learn from experiences, seek knowledge from elders, and listen and learn from one's mistakes.
2. Love emphasizes the importance of unconditional love, compassion, and kindness towards ourselves and others. It teaches us to give love freely and unconditionally, without any expectation of receiving love in return.
3. Respect emphasizes the importance of treating oneself, others, and nature with respect. Respect involves acknowledging the value and worth of all living things, and treating each other with kindness, honor, and dignity.
4. Bravery involves courage, fortitude and strength of character. Bravery inspires us to face our fears and overcome obstacles, to push ourselves to our limits and to fight for what is right.
5. Honesty emphasizes the importance of being truthful, trustworthy, and sincere in all our interactions with others. Honesty promotes trust, loyalty, and integrity, and it allows us to build meaningful and enduring relationships.
6. Humility involves having a modest and unpretentious attitude towards life, recognizing that we are all equal and interconnected. Humility inspires us to serve others, to be compassionate towards those who are less fortunate, and to strive to make a positive impact in the world.
7. Truth involves understanding and acknowledging the reality of our existence and our place in the world. It encourages us to seek knowledge, to be open-minded, and to question our assumptions and beliefs.

FINAL THOUGHT
Each of these teachings are an inseparable whole and work together to create a holistic approach to mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual life, that is centered around humility, respect, and love.


 
 

MATURE DATING

 



I was told  we can stare into each others eyes, on occasion,


  but it is very  important, even more so,

 if we stare in the same direction at the same future!



Young couples these days want to get together for many glamorous reasons, and share their news on Social media. 




This ring is about  the size I had hoped for!




So where is he? What is taking him so-o-o--o long … to come my way?

Many women are dealing with the 10 to 1 ratio and are wondering if there is a man out there that is just right for them…??

Getting annoyed, frustrated, and at times feeling hopeless…. It’s not an easy path to walk, however I’m a firm believer that when dating is done right, the universe is without a doubt going to provide the benefit of you having a mate… maybe not a perfect   “Soul mate” that you are seeking….. but “yes” a mate… just a mate that will connect to you somewhat!

Well to be honest, the responses to your questions is often “yes” and “no”….It’s “no” in the sense that you are not locked to get a specific type man, no matter what you do, The idea that there is a “soul mate” who you are guaranteed to be with you, is simple not true… You have decisions in life you have to make, and plenty of people make choices that block theme from being with the person who is truly perfect for them.

Notice I said “person who is truly perfect for them”. This is where I believe the term “soul mate” can be applied, and this is where the “yes” comes in to play when you ask the question “Is there really a man just for you?” If you have purpose in the choices you make, then the flow of good thoughts and the flow of positive energy will bring what you seek to you. You may not be able to just sit back and “wait for your Boaz” which is basically a reference or symbolic saying waiting for the man God (the universe) has for you. Because when you move forward with patience, you might just stumble across that on person who might be a good match for you. Note I said “GOOD” not perfect…..

Some key things to think about: 

  • Will you be attracted to him?

  • Will he Love & Cherish you?

  • Will you have to make him into a Man, or will he come custom made tailored right?

  • Is he looking for a Helpmate, and not a playmate, which one are you currently?

  • Will you experience a genuine Connection with him?

  • Will he Love you unconditionally, and will you love him unconditionally?

  • Will he want all of your love, not just a piece of it?


Start by questioning your past relationships and figure out where you might have gone wrong…the following example might trigger a few thoughts.

Example: You loved the man you spent your best years with…. I understand you feel you loved this man, but was the feeling mutual…? 

Another example: You were told that you should be more willing to build with a man, recognize his potential and work with him from there.

Another example: A lot f men just want sex, and sometimes women may be OK with that arrangement. So figure out if there is real chemistry … it can still evolve into a real relationship. So why can’t you just enjoy friends with benefits, and go with the flow?

Extreme example: People tell you that you are too picky… You might want to be more flexible on some of

your desires, and be more open to dating a guy that may not be really all that good looking. You are in your childbearing years so you want your future husband to be someone that looks really good to you, and therefore your kids will have 50/50 chance of being good looking also. 

Final example: You are very social so you have met a lot of guys that you find interesting, but you are not really sure if you have ever experienced a real connection.




 

 

Choosing Wisely

Choices -
                                             Should I wear this color? Does it look good on me?

We face them every day. Most are easy and therefore, we think, insignificant. Yet this is not always true, for even the smallest choice can lead to grave consequences. This is what in chaos theory physicist have called the butterfly effect´ Given time,any action, no matter how small, has the potential to effect great changes. However, we can neither foresee consequences nor do we exercise conscious control over ever gesture we make. In fact, when making ´unimportant ' choices, most of the time we react instinctively rather than in accordance with a thought-out plan. The important thing is to weigh the decisions before they are made.
  
Final thoughts

By carefully thinking about what you are doing you have the best option right before you!t
Well I maybe not get as much attention from men
but I am more comfortable looking like this!





We need to talk


I have some things on my mind we need to discuss


‘Oh oh, guys,’ Men need  to be able to identify the difference between

“very important” talks and “ Urgent” talks.

A woman’s mind is very complicated to say  the least. The “Urgent!” flashing lights above her head could change in an instant to “very important”

and back agaiThe channels of images  that flows into her mind are like being connected to

the internet and cable TV at the same time. The switches in her head allows

her to browse  the icons and click on the one from the latest news on the Internet or last episode of her favorite

topic “reality show”  on Cable TV.   A Picture In  Picture (PIP) which also allows her to view the two subjects and episode at the same time. The volumes are  not always muted, so the sound can even  make her even more talkative. So we  guys need to be able to read the signals ahead of time, be prepared for what is coming  at us at the same time in the two PIP windows (her labels of  very important or Urgent  can change on a dime.) 

We men often know when we have made mistakes. If a man made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry or even ashamed, then he needs his woman’s love even more.. The bigger the mistake, the more points  he gives her,  if she forgives him, quickly. However some men can become defensive, and deflective. Which is his way of trying to prevent  his woman  feeling resentful towards  him.

 



What makes men defensive, and deflective?  

A man may become very angry at his woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. Him being upset is proportional to the size of his mistakes. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn’t say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way, instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give her penalty points. 


It might help us greatly when women understand that men score points differently. Men giving penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn’t make it safe for women to share their feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if all men could see how unfair penalty points are and it changes overnight--- change can take time, but it can change in a second. What can be reassuring for a woman however, is to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back. A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a ZERO. At such times a man can just be understanding that she is sick with resentment and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment. He needs some extra love so he can feel better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again. Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her man when he seems distant  and hurt.

   

So what makes men defensive? When a man is in a negative state of mind,

a woman needs to treat him like a passing tornado and his anger lowers

after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points

for not making him the one who is permanently wrong, never forgiving him

for his wrongs or for not trying to change him. If she tries to Stop the

tornado it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering.

This is  new insight for many women because in their minds when someone

is upset the Venetians never even ignore her or even consider lying low during

the tornadoes.  In her mind Tornadoes do not exist. 

When other women are upset everyone (women) gets involved with one

another and tries to understand what is  bothering her by asking a lot of

questions, trying to understand what is bothering her. Where as a man waits

for the tornado to pass everyone finds a ditch and lies low, until the stormy

sky clears up.   


 

“Will he treat me as a queen after he  has made  mistakes ?”




Final thoughts:

When we men hear the words `We need to talk´

it causes us to go into replay mode.

Replaying the things that he might have done wrong knowing he might

get caught at some wrongdoing.


These images in his head cause the tornado of mess-up activities to swirl

around in his head. We  men don’t like that feeling of having  to explain the

things we do not want to talk about.