All other betrayals besides Cheating can Ruin a Relationship!

When people are discussing things that went wrong in their past relationships, physical cheating is often viewed as the biggest form of betrayal. Since a relationship is often defined as an agreement to only be intimate with your partner, it makes sense that cheating is the action that is most likely to harm a relationship. It is often seen as rejecting your partner for another person. However, cheating is not the only way that your relationship may end because of extra outside relationships. There are six other forms of falseness within a relationship that may result in distrust and discord between partners.

You knew who I was when you married me
what made you think you could change me?

1. Trying to Change Your Partner
Trying to alter your partner and make them into a new person is almost as bad as cheating on them with a new person. No one appreciates constantly being told to change their appearance and personality, and it is particularly insulting when it comes from a partner. People feel betrayed when someone was willing to enter a relationship with them and then they are suddenly faced with many conditions for remaining in the relationship. Though a relationship may continue to stumble along after one partner starts trying to change the other, this typically breeds resentment that ultimately results in the relationship falling apart.

So you want an occasional lap dance,
 to  keep you from going to "the Club!"

In my view  this is a breech of contract of  the original term of the agreement as I see it is the most damaging  to any relationship. When you pick someone you get what and who they are. You don't get with someone to to make them who you want them to be! 
It is an unwritten rule. Men marry women hoping they will never change (unless they change to be exactly who he dreamed about, and women marry man thinking of ways to change him, she want to mold him, train him, make him roll over and do things on command ( like die when they want to find someone new!) . The questions you should ask yourself are you being realistic in your expectations... Most likely neither of you will get exactly what you want......because your expectations are just flat out nuts.   

2. Always Insisting on Being Right

I just want to win at all cost

A relationship is not a competition, and always trying to be better than your partner is a way of harming their trust in you. No one wants to be in a relationship with a person that is regularly trying to one-up them and make them look wrong. Psychologists believe that arguing does not actually convince people of anything. Even if you are actually right, your partner is not going to agree with you when they are trying to defend themselves during an argument. Instead of focusing on being right, try to focus on communicating with your partner calmly.

In my view  this is where most relationship that fail when two competitive people  hook up... it goes  straight to hell very  quickly. Because  two competing people are just pushing and disapproving of the others short comings and trying to out do the other and get to finish line first . If you are constantly competing then you are not spending enough time finding compromises that allows for togetherness and harmony. 

3. The Idea of a Soulmate

My first soulmate brought me here on a date years ago,
 so I guess this means you are now my replacement soulmate!

One of the most toxic ideas in a relationship is that you can only have one soulmate. If you refer to a past partner who left your life due to tragedy as a soulmate, you leave your current partner feeling like they are not as important to you. Even if you think your current partner is your soulmate, you can face problems in your relationship. A 2014 study by the University of Toronto found that people are unhappy with their relationship if they have conflicts yet still consider each other to be their soulmates. This happens because people become very hurt when they think they cannot even have a harmonious relationship with their partner. Instead of putting a lot of pressure on your partner to be your soulmate, you should focus on growing and working together.

In my view.... the term soulmate is just a contradiction in possibilities. If you only have one soul your souls can join forces with another  and be compatible   so you can be mates, that's it.  I firmely believe Only identical twins can be complete soulmates.  Twins can either be monozygotic ("identical"), meaning that they can develop from just one zygote that will then split and form two embryos, or dizygotic ("fraternal"), meaning that they can develop from two different eggs; each are fertilized by separate sperm cells. In contrast, a fetus which develops alone in the womb is called a singleton, and the general term for one offspring. 
In simple terms....you were born as a singleton, you can merge with another singleton and combine forces as mates, two different souls separate and unequal tackling your journey and you missions in life.  

4. Caring More About Being in a Relationship Than Having a Good One

She doesn't care what I  do so let me just set myself up  a hookup
for the next 3 hours.

In the modern age of social media, appearances are everything. This can end up harming your relationship if you are focused more on appearing like an ideal couple than actually connecting and building a good relationship. Focusing on the looks of your relationship at the expense of your partner’s needs or desires is just as bad as focusing on another relationship while you are still in your current one. This betrayal is not often apparent at first, but you may realize you are in one if a partner always insists on being given expensive gifts to show off or makes posts constantly about how perfect the relationship is while it is not actually going well.

In my view.... often enough people just want to have physical presents under the same roof. They front that they are this happy couple. But neither one  of them are happy, so they live separate lives, but try not  to embarrass the other one with their extra relationship activities. the one with the better social life is always out. And the other one is at home pretending like they don't care, just as long as it does not cause a scandal.
    
5. No Longer Taking Care of Yourself

did he notice my toes and nails?
He better! 

Your partner originally started a relationship with you because they were emotionally and physically attracted to you. Many people end up feeling hurt and tricked if their partner immediately discards the qualities they were so attracted to in the first place. Instead, it is important for both partners in a relationship to continue maintaining their physical health and emotional well-being. In order for a relationship to function properly, both partners must be fully functional people. Continuing to make an effort for your partner will make them feel loved and admired.
In my view.....this only happens when one person becomes a home maker Male or female. But if both individuals are out in the workforce meeting people and looking to progress career wise.  Or if they  want to keep their options open,i.e.  the new company employee is looking your way and they look so good.  Sudden interest in spas can always reveal what is of new importance to one of the two  individuals. 


6. Neglecting Your Partner and Relationship

I need some ear plugs! she never stops yelling at me. 

Emotional neglect can be so harmful that it is often categorized as a form of emotional abuse. It may include a lack of physical contact, no longer listening to a partner, not providing emotional support during difficult life events, and only caring about their own needs. When a partner is intentionally not fulfilling the needs of their partner, they are trying to hurt their partner and make their partner feel uncertain or none-confident of their love. This can lead to a cycle of neglect where partners are trying to both show that they cannot be hurt because they are not invested in the relationship. Often, emotional neglect can lead to a broken relationship or infidelity.

In my view..... One person just pretended to want to be with the other for whatever reasons, be it financially, or what ever else.  Because these days two people start looking for compatibility first. Women start wanting us men to fit into their world, While guys want her to be the ultimate in every area he can think of. 

I can come to bed  now that he is asleep!

To have a happy, functional relationship, it is important to avoid betraying your partner in these six above mentioned ways. If you notice that your partner is exhibiting any of these behaviors, it is important to talk to them about it calmly before it becomes problematic issue....




In my view..... there is no where to hide, so let love have it's way! 

Kem - Love Calls

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What Is P-Phubbing ? Why could it be Ruining Your Relationships?

Ladies and gentlemen, put the smartphones DOWN.

Do you  really need research to validate the complete anger and disrespect you all feel when someone you're dating, a friend, or a new acquaintance reaches into their pocket/purges, pulls out their cell phone and responds to someone else’s text, while we’re mid-sentence in conversation with them?

OK who's this skunk  taking up our time  with each other....

If you need the research, it’s all here. A recent study found that p-phubbing, otherwise known as ignoring friends and family in favor of a smartphone, has a negative impact on relationship satisfaction, life satisfaction can even contribute to depression.

P-phubbing is especially problematic for people with an anxious attachment style.

I can't believe  my relationship ended 
just because I was texting all the time!

Anxious attachers make up about 20 percent of the population, according to a study by Shaver and Hazan. For these people, p-phubbing is more than just rude. It’s a sign of rejection, and an indicator that the p-phubber just doesn’t care. Pull out your cell phone mid-conversation with one of these people and you’ll likely be removed from their contact list.

Anxious attachers are not the only ones for whom p-phubbing is a problem.

It can also be a problem for the p-phubber themselves. This problem may feel like an individual thing, however it marks a bigger trend in Western culture, according to Sherry Turkle, MIT psychologist and researcher.

Technology, with its instant communication and the capacity to build intricate global networks, provides us with infinite opportunities to expand our sphere of connections. Lots of followers and virtual friends can bring an individual sense of purpose and notoriety. Connectivity can build our egos and expand our minds.

However, this kind of connectivity can also bring intense feelings of disengagement.

OK so we met online, now I can 't wait to meet in person.
Skype and face-time are cool but just  not enough!

We feel invisible and unheard when the vast majority of our daily connections are superficial in nature. The irony is, we struggle to alleviate our loneliness by reaching out through our phones in search of instantaneous and easy connection, which is the source of loneliness. We do this instead of sharing a deeper intimacy with those around us, through conversation and face-to-face experiences.

Modern technology keeps us “alone together.”

So give your thumbs a rest and give your p-phubbing self a chance to experience deeper intimacy with friends and family. That is, after all, what you’re really searching for.

Reasons Why Women Cheat on Their Husbands and Boyfriends

I decide to share something I read. and add my two cents on each point in Italic. 

Currently, it’s still more common for discussions to revolve around men cheating instead of women. However, women who cheat are nearly as numerous as their male counterparts. Both genders usually have different reasons for cheating, and they’re unique to each individual. Take a close look at the top reasons why women cheat as reported by WebMD and Live Science. Psychology and human nature are at play when attraction begins with a new lover.



• New-Partner Chemistry

We have such great chemistry!
hmmm, if you say so!

You may remember that initial sensation that you felt when you met your loved one. Butterflies in your stomach and excitement seems to fill each day as dating begins. However, this new-partner sensation can’t last forever. The relationship will eventually settle down. Some women cheat because this sensation is necessary in their life. They may not want to leave their husband or boyfriend, but they want that electric sensation that occurs when you’re first dating a person.

My perspective on this :  How do you  Develop Great Chemistry with Your new Partner? 

First we need to dispel  the notion that Onstage (TV. movie) chemistry...... It's not real, so in real life it doesn’t just happen with just anyone. You need a solid partnership based on mutual respect, comfort and trust. You want to create that special kind of relationship with your partner. Without it, your relationship suffers both emotionally and physically.

• Boredom With Current Partner
Your relationship may be near its 10-year anniversary, but you’re cheating on him after all of these years. A common cheating reason among women is simply boredom. Their partner may be busy at work, and the love life in the bedroom isn’t what it used to be. Women will seek out another lover in order to quench their boredom while staying committed to their partner.

Everything about this guy is so boring!

My perspective on this :  You don’t need to feel guilty if you’re getting bored with your relationship. You just need to understand why you’re bored and do something about it! Relationships are tricky places to be in. Sometimes, it makes you feel like the happiest person in the world.

And at other times, it spirals you back onto the ground and makes you wonder if you even want to be in one. Do you feel like you’re getting bored with your relationship? You’re not the only person with those thoughts, so you really don’t have to feel guilty about it, even if your lover is head over heels in love with you. Sometimes, these things just happen. But should it come as a surprise to you if you get bored while in love? No.

• Lack of Emotional Support
Cheating often occurs because of emotional-support issues. The woman’s partner may not be comfortable with discussing personal feelings. As a result, the woman feels deprived of any emotional contact. She resorts to cheating in order to quench the emotional deprivation. An affair may not be physical at first either. The woman might have an emotional affair by discussing personal feelings with the other person. These relationships will often escalate into a traditional, physical affair.

Why can't I ever count on YOU!

My perspective on this : Emotional neglect involves failing to provide emotional support that one should provide, given one's relationship to the other. Thus it is thought that a parent emotionally neglects a child when the parent fails to show the child the level of affection or attention that, as a parent, she should (even when she may be providing for the physical needs of the child such as food, health care, clothing, and shelter)
Emotional neglect is also distinct from emotional abuse. Emotional abuse (as distinct from physical abuse) involves abusive commissions, that is, doing things to another that can be emotionally hurtful or traumatizing (for example, name-calling, badgering, or constantly complaining); whereas emotional neglect involves neglectful omissions, that is, omitting to do things that tend to promote emotional well-being. But how does emotional  neglect affect adults... you are not children... well maybe you still are. 

• Revenge Relationships
In some cases, women might feel like they deserve to cheat because they believe or know their partner is guilty of this betrayal.

I'll just post this on my Face Book page
and have him wonder where and when I took this pic
 and who took it. 

These women will actively seek revenge by forming a relationship with another partner. The revenge act is meant to get a rise out of the husband or boyfriend, but it also serves another purpose. It might give the woman a feeling of closure about the betrayal. Now that both people are equal in their affairs, the partners can work on repairing the damage.

My perspective on this : But is it really revenge, when he does care about you or even have any emotions that you have slept with someone other than him ... the mind blowing experience that you had with that guy you never forgot ....Your Sexual  experiences you had  before you shared your bed with him didn't bother him when you told him about these experiences....... So what makes a woman think that men who betray her would ever cared about her so called revenge..... unless he believes that he owns all rights to your body.  

• $exual Addiction

I
I'll expose just enough to tease him!
but again who is taking the pic??? 
Just keeping him guessing!

Although it may be rare, some women do have $exual addictions. It doesn’t matter if the issue has been diagnosed or not. These women will struggle with this addiction for the rest of their lives. Similar to an alcoholic relapsing into drinking, it’s possible for women to resort to cheating when they’re addicted to the act itself. It takes a strong partner to work through this cheating scenario.

My perspective on this : This is once again an issue that men seldom deal with because men are usually the ones who are labeled  Sex addicts. When You have a woman who is and sex addict you have a nympho that you might just enjoy for awhile as a man. then you have to become a cougar trainer. If a man is not up to the task then he will have to let her go.   

• Lack of Physical Contact
Women who cheat may also have a craving for physical contact. A husband of 20 years may be busy with work and other interests. He may not be at home, and when he is, the lack of physical contact is palpable for the woman. She responds by looking for comfort in another man’s arms. It’s possible for this affair to be terminated if the partner changes his ways and willingly offers the physical contact.

Now you want to touch me! too little to late!

My perspective on this : <smiling>  Let's face it..... most young women love men who are ambitious in their 20(s), 30(s),  40(s) and beyond... this allows her  to have all the goodies she dreamed about as a little girl. If she is a go-getter herself   then she will most likely be too busy to look for boy toys. If not.... then once again let her go, and find someone who appreciate your hustle... the timeline you set is always on your side..... the next woman will benefit from the work you already put in that the first one did not appreciate enough to hang in there with you.  


• Unhappy With Overall Relationship
Studies have also shown that women cheat when they’re just overwhelmed with an unhappy relationship. This vague description can include a combination of issues, such as verbal fights, miscommunication, rude comments, lack of respect and poor parenting. A woman might feel obliged to remain in the relationship because of family commitments, but she still seeks pleasure in secret ways. This reason for cheating is one of the most commonly cited on psychological evaluations.
My perspective on this : Okayyyy. this is  just a incompatible couple... I have no more  to say on this one.  

• The Primitive Side to Cheating

These experiences never seem to satisfy me!
 It's "4 am" and have to go home. 

Scientists suggest that there might be an evolutionary reason for cheating. Men may try to diversify their progeny by cheating, but women might look for other mates to support them if their original partner doesn’t fit the bill. Women may have children with multiple men in order to have strong genetics in their background. This primitive side might encourage women at a biological level to cheat too.
Everyone reacts to cheating in different ways after the act occurs. A woman might cheat once and hide it away in her mind. Alternatively, she may continue the affair without any guilt. Some women confess their actions to their loved one. Regardless of the outcome, cheating ultimately hurts both parties in a relationship. Before temptation gets the best of you, consider your loved one’s feelings and what can happen to the relationship in the future.

My perspective on this :  Once again.. this is too deep for that  bucket with a rope to reach the depth of this well. Men go to multiple  wells, go to get a dip or two..... But women who feel the need to sample multiple experiences  are more like the men they hate.. which kind of  makes this one of those situations that the average/normal  person can not figure out.  

.

If he is Wealthy and can cheat, will he cheat or not?

Allow me to share this article  that I read on madamenoire.com. Let me  just say a few things; wealth to some people is  a weapon of Mass destruction. they use their status to do things that they wouldn't  be able to do without it. I  will voice more of my thoughts at the bottom after the article.   

Pass me your 10 digits!

“If he can cheat, he will cheat.”
This is what I was told by a wealthy man who considered himself “lucky” enough to have both a wife and a girlfriend. He was living a double life in every sense of the word. He assumed that the two women knew of each other, but neither of them wanted to admit it. Admitting their knowledge would force them to deal with the fact that they were accepting blatant disrespect from a man. Of course, the offender didn’t see it like this. In fact, he had a quite convincing explanation (at least to himself). He said with certainty that if a woman dates a man with money and status she should expect to be cheated on, at least once.

Interestingly enough, on a recent episode of NBC’s The Carmichael Show entitled, “Everbody Cheats,” this same type of opinion was shared by the lead character, Jerrod, after the husband of a family friend was caught creeping. As Vulture’s recap of the episode put it:

“Jerrod is more concerned with the financials of Karen’s marriage. He believes that cheating is natural for successful rich people. According to Jerrod, an income of $50,000 to $100,000 — the bracket in which he himself lands — means a man has thought about doing it, but won’t act on those urges. Once a man cracks $100,000, he has definitely cheated.”

I am no relationship expert, but going into a relationship with the expectation of being cheated on sounds like a slap in the face to yourself. It’s like saying, “I’m not good enough for a man to be monogamous with, so I will just accept what I can get because…well…I want a man.”

This thinking sounds self-destructive. However, I am not at all surprised that some men (and women) have bought into this notion: If he can cheat with ease, he will cheat often. And if he’s rolling in dough, he will.

Let’s face it, more women than not prefer a man who is rich and powerful. Not too many women would say, “I want my man to be broke and powerless.” And in a society where status matters and old-fashioned rules are out the door, we don’t really know what people are dealing with behind closed doors to be in certain relationships. People want to be known and have flashy things. And even women who are doing well on their own often want a man who can provide the same, or better.

Usually, the more handsome or financially well off the man is, the easier it is for him to get a woman. If it’s easier for him to get a woman, wouldn’t this also make it easier for him to cheat? The man living a double life that I mentioned above sure thinks so. In fact, he was quick to tell his stories of sexual escapades with women who were keen to be with him because of who he was and what he had. The stories would seem adventurous to other men, but I’m almost positive his wife and girlfriend would find them horrific.

Still, he was quite certain they would never confront him about the “rumors” because he took care of them both, sexually and financially. His words, not mine.

A 2011 study conducted by professors at Tilburg University backs up this sentiment. More than 1,500 professionals were surveyed to examine the relationship between power and infidelity. Results showed that the more power a person had, the more likely he or she was to cheat. Power produced more confidence, in turn making the person even more attractive to others.

“If women want a faithful man,” the wealthy cheater said, “they need to get a broke man who doesn’t have a lot of options.”

Well damn, I thought; but as brash and insensitive as he sounded, I knew that he was probably right in some instances.

Tons of men with money and status are notorious for being put on blast publicly because of their scandalous ways. And many times we see their wives or significant others stand by their sides as if nothing ever happened. Maybe the “nothing” is something they have chalked up as coming with the territory. Could it be par for the course?

While I haven’t yet subscribed to the idea that all men cheat in relationships, I’m not naive enough to pretend that I don’t know that there are a large percentage who do. And while I get what the man said about men with money having more options, is there an expectation for them to cheat? And with that in mind, as a woman looking for a monogamous, healthy relationship, would you be so comfortable dating a wealthy man?

He treats me like  a Queen,
 but he will never marry!

From my BAD perspective ... In a world where our BAD behaviors are accepted, admire, or even revered ....  as who/what  people perceive us to be and not who we really are, where validation comes from how many followers or likes we have,  where quality time with loved ones is being replaced by isolation and text messages from the other rooms, I beg you to be different. do not stereo type people just because everyone else does.
All  of the above is just stereo typing of a particular group... based on what most people think... this  leads to placement of  values and labeling and speculation as to what you are using as tools to be less than honorable. BAD behavior in relationships are just that behaviors based on  what society has condoned from  may years  from  some classes of people in society. Question:  If a woman is wealthy  will she do the same things as a man who  is wealthy? Ask yourselves what would you do or change if you were wealthy. Would you be a narcissistic individual , would you step out on your partner just because you could. You see it's a mindset of what you desire most, wealth can equals power,  there are  people who are  using wealth as a  tool to control, and manipulate others... Just because they could. It has been documented that for centuries Men of wealth use their wealth to get what they would not get if they were not wealthy. So what does that say about women who lower their standards just because they could get things from a wealthy individual in exchange for their bodies and soul.  Isn't it amazing that  when a woman has a regular sexual relationship with a married man that she gets a label base the class of the man she is having the affair with.....

I'm a mistress so I drive his car like a Boss

Like example:  a side-chick, side-piece, if he is less affluent. The label of a mistress  if he is wealthy.  Now the writer of the above article gave some men the benefit of the doubt, ..I guess... but the article leans strongly towards the idea that men with wealth use it to get what they want and that women pretend to accept it... Just because the getting of  goods is good.  So let's examine  who is a wealthy player or  just a Pimp.  A pimp...   is one who exploits, panders and procures women for his own personal gain. One who benefits from the degradation of women. My question is who's pimping who ? Who is that person in your life that you have willingly given the "management" of your emotions, your body, to exploit you for personal gain ? What is his/her name ? That man that uses you for sex and pays your bills ? That man that lets you use his other car, but never wants to take you out in public? That man that lives with you in your house part-time, but won't marry you...and YOU want to be married  Who's is really  pimp, who ?.....

He buy's me shoes that match his car

 Fear...is a PIMP..... Control..... is a PIMP

There are all types of PIMPS in our lives. Spiritual Pimps, (buy this cloth and get healed, sow into MY life and be blessed)
Financial Pimps...(24 percent interest on a credit card...PIMP), 32 percent tax rate, PIMP.

Emotional Pimps....(its complicated baby, I m not ready for a relationship, lets just chill....PIMP)....

Ladies, it maybe  time to DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT. Like the song says...When that Pimp enters your LIFE...when he enters your "club Ma"....you need to DROP HIM LIKE HES HOT !! Whatever IT or WHOEVER it is that is PIMPING YOU. Drop it like its hot ! Debt, Drop it like its hot.....Abuse, Drop it Like its Hot, Low Self Worth, Drop it Like its HOT......DROP ANYTHING AND ANYONE in your life that is EXPLOITING you for personal or emotional gain.
Today is FIRE A PIMP DAY !.....DROP IT LIKE ITS HOT. 

A few ways on how men can be more supportive of women.

Over time you have become more supportive, thank you.!

 Often times, I see and hear grievances online and in everyday life that  we men need to be more supportive and loving of our women, and usually, I agree. But I can’t help but wonder why it seems to be such a difficult task for some of us?  Why is it so hard for us to just support one another? Could it be because we simply don’t know how? Let’s be honest, there aren’t as many positive representations of  love and support on a romantic and platonic level as we’d like, so it’s no wonder people get hyped up off of drama. So I decided to make it easier for the fellas who are making a conscious effort. And for those who aren’t…TO JUST DO BETTER!

APPRECIATE heR NATURAL BEAUTY

Appreciate me as I presents myself! 
and not how you think I should look! 

It’s cool if she rocks long weaves or crochet braids with a “beat” face, tight dress and stilettos, but it’s also cool if she doesn’t. It’s cool if she doesn’t take hours to contour and highlight her face and prefers a simple lipstick. It’s cool if she doesn’t touch her eyebrows. It’s cool if she’s the wash and go queen and only needs an afro-pick to start her day. Fellas, it’s cool. It’s cool for you to have a preference, but it’s not cool for you to bomb on and bash women because they aren’t your cup of tea. Appreciate the things that make women  who they are, physically, but most of all, internally. That means cut the crap on the dark skin slander, quit it with the nappy jokes, and let the ladies live without making them  feel like anything less than the amazing women they  are because they  don’t look or act a certain way.

LESS TALKING, MORE LISTENING 

With these headphone , I can hear you in my head!

Seriously,  she is not asking you to be Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent and fix her issues all of the time. She  just wants you to listen. Don’t be so quick to label a  woman as angry and bitter because she’s upset about something you did or something that happened during her day. Don’t rush to the defensive side so quickly. If you love women and sincerely want to support them, you’ll hear them  out. She isn’t angry or bitter, she’s just tired, and it might not necessarily be with you. It could be work frustrations, the perils of motherhood, her interactions with others, you never really know until you listen. And she could use a fresh pair of ears. Otis Redding  said it best in “Try A Little Tenderness.”

SHOW UP

I have to first thank my husband for showing up for this session.

As black women, they  show up and show out for everything. Most  show up for everyone. But when they  need their men to show up for they, often, all they  hear are crickets unless it’s the son, father, or husband of the woman who dragged them to an event, like counseling. Recognize that you can resolve all you problems on your own. Acknowledge that hosting a panel discussion for women or a writing workshop for kids is a good thing. Show up and make yourself useful. Women show up for their communities, their churches, their families, their professions, their education, their brothers, and Yes even each other. They need their men to do the same.

STOP WITH THE RESPECTABILITY POLITICS

Would you have respected me more,
if I had made you wait longer before we slept together 

The one thing women  hate when it comes to respecting the Black woman, is that there always has to be an exception. There should be no exception to giving someone respect. There’s the idea that if she doesn’t respect herself, then no one else will. NO. You show her respect still and help her see the value in her worth if she doesn’t. That doesn’t give you the green light to join in on the hate train. If you see something, say something. If you see a woman being bashed on social media or in public, don’t share it,  and stop the  giggles or being  a silent spectator, say something (positive)! Be accountable for your brother that’s bashing and degrading your sistah. Stop it with the respectability politics. You can’t say you love Black women, but then pick and choose which Black women you’re going to respect. They all are worthy of YOUR respect. 

REMEMBER: OUR LIVES, OUR CHOICES

We are eye to eye here! 
So tell me again who chose who?!

Seriously, can we live together here? Live without society policing our every choice? Can women at least get that freedom to choose from choices of available  men without judgment? Let their choices  be great. Let them  be great and single. Let them  be great and taken. Let them be great and natural. Let them be great weaved out. Let them  be great twerking ( OK maybe not so much) on a Friday night at the Hookah lounge. Let them be great in Sunday morning worship (but not after a late night out at the Hookah Lounge) . Let them be great in a tight body-con EYE candy  dress,. Let them be great in a hijab. Just let them be great and respect that their choices are their choices, and unless it’s causing you harm and danger then you shouldn’t be speaking except to edify.

CHECK YOUR EGO at the door

 She looked cute, enough!
 "OK whatever!" It was not meant to be.  

She don’t want you, bruh. And you know what? That’s okay! Life goes on and it will literally be about five minutes before you’re catcalling the next woman who walks by, so you don’t need to call her out of her name because she didn’t respond to you the way you wanted her to. Check your ego and squash it. Also, before you open  your mouth to speak to her, it wouldn’t hurt to ask yourself what you can do for her. Why should she stop for me? Am I being respectable in my approach? What are my intentions and what can I add to her life?

KNOW YOUR ROLE AND PLAY IT WELL

Roll the dice!

We all know women can be stubborn at times. Some times their pride gets the best of them when they say “We don’t want you!” but the truth is, we all  need each other as a race and as a community. The most you can do to support  Black women is play your role, as Brothers of class and dignity. Whether you’re a father, son, uncle, nephew, grandson, husband, or brother, be that and be that to the utmost extreme. A daughter needs her father; a wife needs her husband; a mother needs her son, and a sister needs her brothers.

Now, before anyone starts with the “Same goes for women,” or “…and vice versa,” let me just say I’m not addressing women right now, I am addressing men. I’m talking to you, my brothers. I applaud and send kudos to the Black men holding it down for Black women. The Black men who know that the only way Black people will progress is if we start loving each other unconditionally( or maybe with minor conditions) . The Black men who know that Black women are the future, but women can’t be that without men. For those of you who don’t, Just check yourselves and do better. It’s that simple!

   

"Love and War" -(Tamar Braxton Cover)-Amanda Cole.