When we don't understand each other.

The thoughts that float through our heads are not the same as the ones floating through our mate’s brain!

Just remember most of the times you have a difference of opinion. So start by agreeing
to disagree.

One way of solving problems is to understand things compassionately from both sides.

Men need to feel appreciated, by their women, while women need to feel supported.

Otherwise, the flu of resentfulness gets worse.

The key to avoiding resentment is for the woman to take responsibility.

She needs to take responsibility for having contributed to her problems by giving/doing more

(in her mind)  and letting the score get so uneven.

She needs to treat herself as if she has the flu or a cold and take a rest from giving

so much in the relationship.

She needs to pamper herself and allow her partner to take care of her more often.

This anti-resentment flu bath is just what the doctor would order ... I'm sure!

When a woman feels resentful, she usually will not give her partner a chance to be supportive,

or, if he tries, she will negate the value of what he has done

and give him another goose egg zero (0) points.

She closes the door to his support. By taking responsibility for giving too much,

she can give up blaming him for the problem and start a new scorecard.

She can give him another chance and, with her new understanding, improve the situation.

On the other side of the coin, when a man feels unappreciated, he stops giving support.

He can responsibly deal with the situation if he understands that it is hard for her

to give points for his support and appreciate him when she is annoyed and resentful.

He can release his own resentment by understanding that she needs to receive love and affection for a while before she can give him the same in return.
He can remember this as he attentively gives his love topping up her

Love tank with affection in little ways. For a while, he should not expect her to be as appreciative as he thinks he deserves and needs.

It helps if he takes responsibility for giving her the resentment flue

because he neglected to do the little things that she needs to re-enforce her love for him.

.

With this foresight, he can give without expecting much in return until she recovers from her
resentment flue.

Knowing that he can solve this problem will help him release his resentment as well.

If he continues giving love and affection,  puts her in focus on taking a rest from giving and focuses on receiving his support with love, the balance can be quickly restored.

Why is there so much distance between us!

Final thought.

A man rarely intends to take more and give less
(whatever the woman feels he is giving becomes a fact.)

Yet men are notorious for giving less in relationships.

Probably you have experienced this in your relationships.

Women commonly complain that their male partner starts out giving more loving

 and then gradually becomes passive (because he does not see the need)

Men also feel unfairly treated. In the beginning,

women are so appreciative and loving, and then they become resentful and demanding.

This story can be understood when we realize how men and women keep score differently.

Men think when they do big things we should be awarded a minimum 3 points whereas women award men 1 single point regardless of the size of the deed.

Live life like You mean to live it, can be fiction.

Life in the 21st century is like riding in a stationary cycle class, You work up a sweat but you pretty much stay the same place, your body mileage-meter adds up the mileage but You are just exhausted and that is about all you get out your efforts.

At the start of many romantic relationships… one does not have a clue as to where the relationship is heading, or where it will end up. Many folks have their own plans for their futures, while others don’t. Women (of the past) use to just hitch their wagon unto the guy they thought would lead them to a promised land. But things have changed for many women, where they are the creators and leaders of their own futures, so they are not always hitching their wagons… because many guys don’t even have a plan as to where they are going.

where is my road map this life stuff is confusing!

Here is a Real life example: I watched a young couple that lived across from my home in a small house the husband was allowed to live in after his dad died. He was a son of a once upon a time affair, not listed as an heir to the dad's estate, so his stepmom was ok with the housing arrangements because it did not interfere with her daughters’ inheritance. Dad made sure all of his daughter born in wedlock were properly taken care of even though some of them didn’t have the future goals he intended for them. One had built a large home with a swimming pool, on a hilltop lot he gave her, just before she got married but that marriage did not last. Not sure what the other daughters did with their lives. (this post is not about them)

The harmony and the dreams you share in the beginning often get derailed by life’s happenings after you commit!

But the outside son and his wife started off very humble with their plans until they had a daughter. Then suddenly the wife wanted more than he had to offer. She accused the husband of not having any ambition. The enhancement he made to make the little house when their daughter was born to make their living condition better... was no longer adequate. Ans she started hounding him, so he insisted that she get a job. She did, and all changed. She now had her own money and he had to spend his money on her and his daughter and maintain the household expenses. Her money was hers to do with as she chose. If he could not afford something she wanted he’d better work overtime or hustle up the money on weekends some how.. Or she would start an argument and storm out, and leave for a few days taking his daughter with her. Needless to say, that marriage ended in a divorce. Now his freedom from her is that he is on a long leash. She now tries to use his daughter to pull his chain…..

If you ask him how he is enjoying the single life.. And he grumbles an answer that you have to strain to hear his answer.   

The fact that he is not living the life that he meant to live is evident because he hardly

spends any time at home, his and her needs keep him hustling, 7 days a week.  

The Valentine’s day suicidal moments I will never forget…..

When a dude makes a woman angry, it’s like being in a building during an earthquake… Trust me, I’ve been there. Doors that seem sturdy are suddenly coming off their hinges, as they are slammed…  windows that have proper caulking around them suddenly look and sound like they will pop out of the wall at any minute. I’m <smirking> at my own humor as I’m typing this blog post.

I think I have infuriated a woman or two a few times in my life…  as I now recall the things that made them so angry that they could actually make a solid brick house shake.  

Those were Not my finest B.A.D. moments.

If the Truth can set you free then why did I get in a World of trouble for telling it? I know this because as it is Valentine's day I remember this story like it happened yesterday. I got in a world of trouble for telling the Gospel truth.

This is a true story. My first assignment as an  IT-independent consultant was at a company that was about 40 miles from my home. I hated the drive but the contract was a very good one, and I got compensated for the mileage I put on my car. I knew the manager of the IT department because we had worked together in the past. So he was generous in the compensation because he needed my particular expertise on the project  I found the working condition to be to my liking. The building had 6 floors. so whoever was watching could have been on any floor above the ground floor. I seldom lookup if I get the feeling like someone is looking down on me. I'd just bought my BMW 635 Csi. it was "used" but in mint condition

the last year of that model, It had a sun/moon roof and some serious power I always drove it with the moon-roof open... I so loved that car. I would park it at the furthest part of the parking lot, at an angle so no one would ding it with their doors…. My walk to the building was usually a solo walk because I would start work later than the employees and also leave later. To avoid the rush hour traffic. The thing that got me in trouble was as I always walk to my little office which was what they assigned outside consultants it was closest to the back door which I entered through and exited daily. On this particular Valentine's day, I found an interoffice envelope in my inbox. It had a strong perfume fragrance. As if someone had deliberately sprayed it with a perfume. I picked it up and opened it … needless to say, I was totally shocked at the message. I thought it was Valentine's day prank by one of my friends who I went to lunch with daily because they were all jokers and they played pranks all of the time …. I asked around the office if anyone saw who left the envelope in my inbox.. Because it had no sender info on it just my name but No one knew what I was talking about.  So I just put in my briefcase. Big mistake! At lunch, I told the fellahs about my secret Valentine’s card and the msg. They all wanted to see it. So I figured one of the bastards had set me up for a good LOL but if not all 3 of them then at least one. I suspect Steve H. had put some female up to doing it. The msg. Read: You are such a sexy man… Happy Valentine's day. I watch you daily... as you drive up and them exit Your BMW and walk to the build you have such confident walk. I particularly love that Jeans shirt you wear sometimes the one with the laced up front and how tight it fits you around your muscles especially around your chess. I know you workout on Thursdays because you look most buff on Friday mornings.   I would love to use my teeth to undo those laces. Oooh My Goodness I can’t wait to get you in a private place!

If this msg. Catches your interest give me a sign that you read it... by wearing that Jean shirt again next Casual Friday I will take it as a sign that you are interested in meeting me. I know you are not single and neither am I. so we will have to be discrete. Hearts hearts hearts. And a lips stick lips print a kiss done by some full sexy lips.

What did I do?

Hmmm!. my crime lunch buddies were dying as their ring-leader-prankster Steve H. read it out loud. So I was convinced they had set me up…. Boy was I wrong. Yes, they were capable of such a prank…... But not this time! I took the card home in my briefcase and didn’t try to hide it. Like an idiot…! This is what you do when you are innocent and know you had not done anything wrong…. I put my briefcase down on my desk in my study, as I had some work to do later that evening for the next day. As I sat in my favorite lounge chair watching some TV to unwind with a glass of merlot. At that point, I guess, my significant other was looking for something on my desk and smelt the strong fragance opened my briefcase and yelled at me. “Bertnardo….What the “F” is this?

Don't even say anything to me!

Oops, then it hit me at that point she read the card. “Who is this woman?” So I told the truth …. but the truth did not set me free I got yelled at for an hour straight, doors were slammed as she jumps in her car and went to her aunt’s house. Who came back with her to also yell at me… “you didn’t even have the decency to conceal your affair?” My response:  ‘What affair?’ I told the truth I have no idea who sent me Valentine's day card with a msg. Needless to say, I never found out who sent it to me, because a pair of scissors was taken to my shirt and I never got to wear it again. I loved that shirt, too, and I never got to wear it again..never found another one like it. Trust me I went back to the store where I bought It which was an "Old Navy store." I got it on sale and it was the last one when I bought it, which why I bought it looked unique. Damn! I never found out who my secret Valentine was because the unique jeans shirt was history!

    

Now that I'm single I which these type would come after me.... not so lucky anymore. 

 

Somethings just don't happen the way you plan them, Fellahs.

At this point in my life, I have gone from being a total optimist to being a total realist.

Say what you will, but  I’m not yet a pessimist… that might come later in phase III.

Talk to the back of my phone as I take this selfie, and capture your picture right after.

check your FB, as I just tagged you!

One of the most common mistakes we men make is asking for what we want using the incorrect wording, attitudes, and actions. If we are not aware of the growth that women have experienced in the last few decades. We will miss out on joining a good woman on her journey. Women of this 21st Century have Heighten Awareness. So what does that mean for us men…. The women of today don’t have to put up with the nonsense men were able to get away with in the past. I have taken note that most of the women I am currently friends with are not trying to find a man to hitch their wagons on to. They are doing fine on their own. Financially, emotionally and even spiritually.

So Fellahs if you are not bringing what they deem as extra benefits they don’t need you for their top three on their list. Yes, she may want you to service her needs, for the lack of the better term but she does not need for you to play games with her. She wants an honest relationship based on truth and frank discussions on Intentions. Let’s not kid ourselves.....those old tired lines of “YesterYear” will work no anymore. Social media is not your friend, dude. You had better change some of your posts. Your exploits are not impressing her.... they make her feel uncomfortable. You can't impress a New Schooled woman with your old habits...and your video of things that don’t impress her…. Because she is not in an Aware of your so-called accomplishment… she can check you out with one click.  A touch of her phone screen exposes your history, and most importantly your current status.  Not all women want to share a man with women other women they are not impressed with. If the other women look better than her. You are sunk If the other woman looks just as good and is just as educated as her, let me repeat, You are sunk

The misconception we men still have is that we are more in demand because of the shortage of good MEN. OK let me put it in perspectives you can understand. Women do not need you! They may still want a good man but, he has to be a good man with the attributes she is seeking. Not the Attributes she that will cause her stress…..

Go figure, we men don’t really want to deal with women who will cause us stress for too long. No matter how fine she is. So what makes you think that a modern-day woman would want a man who will tell her the things that she can’t verify…. Let’s me point out again. She does not need to hire a PI to get the lowdown on you. You are stupid if you are not aware that your GPS leads her to your ware about daily. If you are not doing what you say you are, then you have spoiled the soup. She will not entertain your deceptions.

Stupid. you were tagged in your other woman’s photo album on FB.

I received it in my stream so you can lie to me but I have the proof that you or dishonest.  

Heads up!

How is Betrayal felt differently by men and women

Come here baby, I need someone to relight my fire!

Women often try to turn their lives around after they have felt they were betrayed.
She may have had a relationship that painted “the perfect picture…”
of romance that had her thinking, she had found a perfect match.
But then if it took a devastating turn, she will have to find major strength to recover.
A woman must fight to escape a new dangerous web of secrets (her secrets, his secrets)
to start again.
Can she keep her dark moments in her past hidden while opening up her heart again?
A  new combustible blend of romance, intrigue, and suspense that will
“boggle her mind right up until the bombshell climax of love expressed to her hits’

It may be her second or third chance for love but she needs to decipher is it a tale of lustful illicit temptations,  
just a crush or true love….she needs to know before she will give a new love
possibility a shot.

Men, on the other hand, have rubber band instincts even though we may have felt betrayal
in a previous relationship(s) we don’t need the reassurance of the words
”Trust Me, I’m different”
coming from a new love interest.

The fact that both men and women Doubt their partner’s love

Without a full understanding of the cycles in relationships, it is easy to see how men and women begin to doubt their partners love for them. Without seeing how a woman can inadvertently
prevent men from finding their passion,  
they often simply assume that their men will be the same all the time as when he was
“chasing her.” Feeling a continuous strong need for her presence.
She wants him to have eyes for her only. But when he pulls back she misinterprets his behavior, as he is now interested in something else that may have nothing to do with someone else
(another woman.)
Something else could be many different things, a job situation, a desire to have a new challenge, a few new buddies to hang out with after a stressful day.
Ladies, it’s not always about “sex” and chasing a new female. This is how women often misinterpret men actions. To a certain extent, a man loses himself through connecting with his woman.
What does that mean?

Men may just need “some space” or “need to be alone,” from time to time,
regardless of how it's described when a man retreats, he is fulfilling a vaild need to take care of himself for a while.
Just like we don not decide to be hungry, a man does not decide to retreat.
It is an instinctual urge. Men can only get so close, and then he begins to lose himself.
At that point, he begins to feel his need for autonomy and begins his retreat for better positioning.

OK, so why do men sometimes pull away..... when women want to get close?

For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time
when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons:

• A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely

at those times she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say the
Magic words “Let’s talk”. (Instant Turn off) Hmmm! He hears this and he continues to pull away,
she mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t want her,  
that he does not care for her, “he just does not want to talk.”
When women open up and share deeper and more intimate feelings it

may actually trigger a man’s need to retreat.
A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off,

saying to himself it is time to find balance by retreating for better positioning.
At the most intimate moment, a man may suddenly automatically switch gears to
feeling his need for autonomy.

Are you seriously expecting me to do a U-turn
after you just pulled away from me?!

Have I confused you yet?  

It is baffling to a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does that often triggers his sudden departure(She feels instant betrayal)
Generally, when a woman starts to talk about things with feelings her man starts to feel this urge to pull back. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy,
and when a man gets too close he hits the reverse gear.
It’s not that he does not want to hear about her feelings.
At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close,
the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer.
It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

<smirking> Yeah men are all so very B.A.D.

    

People like me don't need counseling! Wrong

I’m a problem solver … 'I’m fine… People like me don’t need counseling or therapy!’ words of untruths, spoken by yours truly after years of dealing with stuff I have repressed for years.

As you grow more intimate in your relationships, Love increases. As a result, deeper, more painful emotions will surface that need to be healed --- Deep feelings like shame and even fears. Because we generally do not know how to deal with these painful feelings, we become stuck. if we are not careful we wind up in a rut. To heal them we need to share them with someone, but we are too afraid or ashamed to reveal what we are feeling. At such times we may become depressed, dejected, anxious, bored resentful, or simply exhausted for no apparent reasons at all. These are all symptoms of our “stuff” coming up and being blocked.

Instinctively you will want to either run away from love or increase your addictions. This is the time to work on your feelings and not try to run away from them. When deep feelings come up you would be very wise to get the help of a counselor or therapist. When deep feeling come up, we project our feelings onto our closest people. If we did not feel safe to express our feelings to our parents or a past partner, all of a sudden we cannot get in touch with our feelings in the presence of our present partner. At this point, no matter how supportive your partner is, when you are with your partner you will not feel safe. Feelings will be blocked.

Hmmm! It is a paradox because you feel thoughts you felt safe without your partner, your deepest fear has a chance to surface.when they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel. Your fear may even make you numb. When this happens the feelings that are coming up get stuck… like in a bottleneck. I felt like my head was about to explode!

A post-Hurricanes Irma and Maria symposium showed my fears on my face.

I was asking myself ‘Is my tie too tight,’ I felt like things were bubbling up inside of me.

So why am I finally able to admit that…  the above is 'truth' in my case. I have matured a bit now and can deal with things better.  My life has been an ocean of ebbs and flows. I was born to older parents… my mom thought she would never have a child. But at 44 years old she had me, so I became her miracle baby boy. My dad finally had a son to carry on his name. My mom was the most loving, overprotecting mother I could have, and so were all of my aunts who helped raise me….. as the only boy in the middle of female cousins. So after completing my studies and graduated  High-school, I had to get away... so I left home and went to N.Y. where I had a life filled with secrets and was a mystery to every woman I dated. I seldom revealed much about myself, because I wanted to fit in, wherever I was and did not want to be judged. Most of my Relationships were kind of the same... I, once again, had this urge to start over after I graduated with a Bachelor of Science Degree in computer science So sociology, psychology were requirements. A new opportunity was offered to me and I took it… I left Wall Street and N.Y., after my internship at IBM I headed to Chicago Ill. Wow! Was I scare, because I  had no idea where I was going. But I had maps. I rented a Uhaul truck and started driving toward and across the George Washington bridge. I Drove for 12+ hours pretty much all day, through all these stated N.Y., N.J. Penn, Ohio, Indiana and until got to Illinois. I followed the maps through Chicago and found my way to Northbrook Ill, arriving that Sunday evening. I had to report to Allstate Insurance Monday morning. So I checked into a Holiday Inn close by my new job. I had no idea if I would find an Apt. to put my stuff in, so the Uhaul stayed parked in the Holiday Inn parking lot for 3 days… with all that I owned. But I got lucky and was able to settle into a nice 2 bedroom Apt.  within a week. The job was a dream and I loved my new apt. ( I could never have afforded one like it in N.Y.) So what could go wrong, actually nothing did. I cruised through as if I was a guy who had all the answers. But my fears were bubbling up. I met my now ex-wife we dated for a while…. but I was still in my N.Y. state of mind... never have one girlfriend at a time always had a spare, back then. Hmmm, well that worked for a while until I was confronted by both women at my apt. One Friday evening…(my quick response was ‘I never promised anyone of you exclusivity, as a matter of fact, I might go back to N.Y. in the fall)

A total miscalculation of timing, I slipped up and broke a fine young ladies heart.  But one young woman stuck it out she moved in with me so she would have the inside track, and we got married after 2 years of living together. My mother came to the wedding along with my aunt and my closest cousins. Then in less than no time, my mom died 3 months later. It was as if she was waiting to see her baby boy get married to someone to take care of him.  It hit me hard because my emotions had to be kept in check I had to be strong for my Dad who suddenly was without his wife of 45 years.. Once again I had to make a move. My mother’s death in Chicago was too much for me, to keep reliving. We packed and headed for South Florida because 'Chicago was too cold, the windy city was not for this tropical dude' (that was my excuse I gave everyone who asked why I wanted to leave… but that was only part of it.  On the road again this time with a wife. If I knew what I now know…. that I needed counseling….I would have gotten it then…. but a strong man does not need that kind of help. My way of dealing was to make moves and have a fresh start whenever I needed it...! Wrong! After years of what seemed like a successful marriage and raising my two sons in Florida… I found myself at another crossroad. Divorced after 20+ years of marriage. Alone again. At this point, my dad had passed away too. Another relocation gave me another new start on the Island where both my parents were from, now they are laying in side by side graves not too far from where I live in the house my dad built for my mom in SXM….but my relationships that followed my divorce was an all bumpy one after the other hit snags. One ex-ladyfriend told me I was wound too tight it’s as if I see women as betrayers after a while. Hmmm, maybe she was right! But this is how I was raised, to tough it out, and keep your emotions in check. I know now that all these events caused me to have health issues at one point. But true to form I bounced back. Only to hit walls a few times, one after the other!

Therapy is now my blog posts writing, with Zero feedback from a counselor!

Act like a lady but don't think like a man

I fell for you the moment I saw you!

(this is just  a dream, I know I will awaken soon)

I often wonder How many folks read the book “Act like a lady but think like a man”
and got totally confused, thinking that a comedian could give relationship advise that was
“Not Tongue in cheek”.

My guess is, too many have thought they would gain some insight that would explain the opposite sex and why behaviors are often gendered specific.
Let’s assume that some of what’s in the book is correct.
And our actions are often gender-specific.
By thinking like a man a woman will not behave Naturally like a man...
Women who think they can do the things that men do are often delusional because when
“push comes to shove, they can’t do it and still sleep at night,
they will be  too worried about the consequences.” Now, what am I referring to, exactly?
Men can have multiple sex partners on a rotation,
men can be in a relationship separately with each one of the women and have an easy time at it.
Conscience free!  But women, unless they are sex workers, have a hard time doing it.
Usually, it takes a whole lot of soul searching before a woman can do what men can do,
as far as having multiple sex partners.
Men can emotionally detach themselves from the feelings of having multiple partners and avoid feeling guilty … simple because men put things in boxes in their brains making sure these boxes don’t touch or overlap. We can keep our emotions, for each woman separated.
However, Men cannot handle being emotionally attached to a woman who has him in the sex rotation,
with multiple men. Men become possessive when we consider the woman
“My woman”. So what’s the difference….
The differences are that woman can form an easier attachment and stay faithful,
while men can only become attached after we have fallen in love.
And have bonded with a specific woman. Once a man has bonded with her…..
he is not willing to share her, with another man!
Women are often not crazy about sharing either but they will to it …
due to circumstances beyond their control. A woman would shrug her shoulders
and say to her girlfriends “I know he has another woman, but what can I do about it?”
Her girlfriend will tell her: “girl just leave him, and find someone else who will be
monogamous!” Really? It’s simply not that easy, for women to find someone else just like that.
Women who have been “cheated on” will have that emotional resentment burning in them for very long periods of time.
Every new man she meets becomes “that guy (who will most likely in her mind cheat on her …
even if he is not going to” Trust.... once broken will take a long time to be regained.

Now you might ask isn’t it the same way for men also?
Yeah, but it does not happen the same way. Men think that women will not cheat easily,
whereas women feel men will cheat easier....
men can do it like just rolling the dice in a crap game. If he rolls a 7 he will roll again.
Again and again, until he loses all that he has. SMDH.
You need to learn when to quit gambling…. but it’s hard to do when you are on a roll and you become addicted. Variety is sometimes the spice that some men crave, and can't resist.
Whereas women do not crave variety on that same level.

This is a major difference.

I have seen women who are happy in relationships admire other men.
But will not entertain the possibility of getting with that man she admires,
because she is in a relationship that satisfies most of her needs.
It will take a whole lot for her to step out and cheat on her man.
Once we understand that “Women can NOT think like a man and still act like a lady”

we will get the full picture.

   

We simply canNOT think alike!

The following videos will show how men and women think differently.