Empathy is not Sympathy

Leave me alone! You are no different

from the rest of the men from my past!

When a man comes along after a woman has been through some heartbreaks, he might empathize with her as he feels for her…. the emotions that tormented her are overwhelming her. But does he understand all that is circulating in her mind? We all know that men have been going around and doing things to women for years, even decades, leaving them heartbroken and cynical. But what can a good man do to make it right, he wasn’t the man who caused her mistrust. He wasn’t the man that caused her heartache, but yet he has to undo what others have done if he is to have a relationship with her. As I watched a video as two brothers explained what is going so wrong in many societies these days, I reflected on my own experiences with women, I had dealt with in the past, who had bad relationships prior to meeting me, who found it hard to trust and love again. They had children that were a constant reminder of what they deemed as their errors in judgment. One woman told me point blank, every man I was in a relationship with “cheated on me.” I knew at that point that I had two choices Empathy or Sympathy. Most women don’t want your sympathy, and may mistakenly think that you are giving them what they don’t want which is sympathizing with her instead of having Empathy, you are showing them. Society has conditioned all of us to shy away from Sympathy, we feel that the person is giving us the opposite of what we want “ Don’t pity me” is what the first thought that comes to mind. “I’m wounded not broken.” Men often struggle to deal with a woman who feels that way. Simply because he wants to help her but can’t figure out how to make her feel confident about herself worth after other men had caused her to believe that there must be something wrong with her. Which is why every man she had, (her father might have cheated on her mother) “cheated on her” and every child she has reminds her of her error in judgment in choosing to get involved with men who just used her. And has abused her trusting nature. Love can be the most wonderful feeling, or/and the most painful. We can’t amuse, upfront, which will happen when we meet someone who seems to have it all together. If you had a good reason not to trust someone in your past then trusting the next person that comes into your life is very hard to do, the first time something bad happens to you leaves a lasting impression.

Think about it as almost drowning after someone pushes you into the deep end of a  swimming pool. They may not have known that you could not swim. And after watching you struggle for a  minute or more swallowing water, someone else jumps in and saves you. No matter how hard they try they can’t instantly help you regain your confidence, and trust... therefore you are forever scared of the water. It takes work to help someone regain their confidence that they will not drown next time they go into the deep end of a swimming pool, without a life vest. No one wants to go into a relationship needing to be rescued, from what has been tormenting them, since their first negative experience. They most likely will shy away from you, no matter your good intentions, by avoiding to repeat whatever their negative experiences have been. Hurt seldom just fades and never return.  It will raise it’s the ugly head, during the moment that you feel vulnerable. So the cycle is possibly never really broken.

She confused me with her reaction, I was just trying to nice! 

Final Thoughts:

After I experienced a  divorce of a long term marriage, I didn’t get counseling because I felt that  I didn’t need it simply because I had gotten a few counseling session before the divorce. As I spoke to the counselor, she asked me a few questions about my habits, “was I a wife abuser,” was I “a gambler,” was “I a drunk, “was I drug user”, ”was I “a womanizer.” I answered ‘NO’ to all the questions. Then she asked my now ex-wife, If I  was any or all of those things, and she said “No, he is a good man for the most part…’ but she was no longer happy in our relationship. So the counselor told me in my last session that I wasn’t the problem my ex had issues that she was reliving and her insecurities were coming back to haunt her. I concluded that I was not going to try to undo what I did not directly cause, …. That was because I didn’t understand what it was she was experiencing. But I did cause some of her insecurities by triggering thoughts from her past, which I also contributed to at the beginning of our dating period. So we got divorced. And we split up permanently as I moved 1,300 miles away. I often think back on what I felt for the first few years after the divorce. I had invested all that I had into my marriage and my lifestyle what we built together. So I became a bit bitter, having to leave all that built behind and starting over. I did not seek counseling during that period, because in my mind ‘there was nothing wrong with me.’ Wrong! I didn’t know what I was feeling so I could not fix it, or ask for help. This is why seemingly healthy people may also need counseling.

As you grow more intimate in your relationships, love increases. As a result, the deeper, more painful feeling will surface that need to be healed-- deep feelings like shame and fair. Because we generally do not know how to deal with these painful feelings, we become stuck.

To heal them we need to share them, but we are too afraid too ashamed to reveal what we are feeling. At such times we may become depressed, anxious. These are all symptoms of our “mess” coming up and overflowing.

Kem - Share My Life 

B&B, Business arrangement, with Benefits

We men don’t often know why we are so very attracted to a particular type of woman. But when that woman comes into our lives with the full package… then we know exactly why we are attracted to her ----

B&B  Brains and Beauty are a lethal combination in my book.  But women may not always know who they want,  as women are taking command of situation more often they can stumble  

"the guys she wants....maybe isn't the guy she needs!" 

I hope no other eligible woman is wearing 

a red dress this evening at the happy hour!

Please place your business card in one of these boxes, and see if you can win a date,

 with someone of the opposite sex. There will be a raffle at the end of the evening!

Will I be a standout at this happy hour?

Wow, I have competition here,    I Will so not standout tonight!

“Let me call him, and see if he is available

to have a drink and then service my needs” 

Educated  Women Would Rather Be Alone Than Spend Their Time with A$$holes.

So why do we see her  as so special? Maybe because we men can go caveman in a matter of seconds when we get a bit jealous, when another man is eyeing the same woman, who fits our perception as the perfect woman.  Gone are the days when men had “gentlemen’s clubs” to go to just to relax with a stiff drink and a cigar after a long busy week and decide  which member of “the Bunnies clubs,” we liked. “The playboy clubs”  are very few now a days, as a matter of fact there are hardly any in the cities I have visited in the last few years. 

  

I’m not writing this to sound like a caveman from back in the day. The new age of women are slowly  transforming us men into thinking more liberally, well some of us men have learned to prefer smart intelligent women which classifies them as  Beauty & Brains, well  I have reversed the order here on purpose of visual imaging. Because we still have to see her beauty first to want to engage her into a conversation, to learn that she is also smart.  Maybe even smarter than anyone else we have talked to, of the opposite sex, since college. This is the new age World, a new reality we are now living in, where women are putting their high heels  on, and maybe even a red dress after work and stepping into a happy hour setting. Well you might not see her coming, unless you are at the right spot. So where are these right spots these days? You better start the search or you will miss out  on meeting these types of women. 

Bartender Sangria made especially for these ladies!

These Hot spots are designed to attract women who fit the Brains & Beauty classification. Men who know about these spots are in heaven. Those who do not are still hanging out at sports bars, hoping to get lucking with a waitress or those very few attractive women, too many men are also eyeing. 

These Brains & Beauty are Women, who are making their own way in life, so they roll out not needing a man on their arm to pay the tab. You might even see a woman you thought was unavailable, out and about  roaming in one of these HOT spots. 

   

Maybe a library would be a  better place to meet this kind of B&B but the library is not a great meeting place! Wine is not served. She might need a buzz to loosen her up a bit.

 .

She reads,  therefore she is gaining knowledge that she can share,
but she does enjoy a glass of red wine, after work .

So how does a business minded man go from a long week of making deals  to meeting a woman he can establish a Business arrangement, and Benefits, with? 

Let’s think in terms of Business arrangements, with Benefits which  is different than Friends with Benefits. You become business associates, and the benefits become part of your connection. She services your needs, and you service her needs. each individual standing on their Own. Neither propping the other up.

These kinds of women who occupies a corner office, in the Corporate World, is just what the doctor ordered for us guys, who may want to be able have a B&B relationship. 

There used to be just a few of these types of ladies, years ago, so picking was very slim,  but now these women are out numbering men in great numbers. This is a direct result of higher numbers of graduations of professional women. There are many  advantages to engaging, these types of professional women, in conversations….unless a man is intimidated by their success. Think about meeting a smart woman who might be able to give you advice on things that you would not have expected to receive advice on. Once a guy can have dinner or lunch with a woman of this caliber, no one else will meet his needs. The combination of Beauty and Brains is now a major asset. But the following might be a  problem, for many of these women, I read this article, and thought Wow. 

  

“I believe in educated women. I believe in the woman who is able to stand up for herself. I believe in the woman who doesn’t need to hide behind her husband’s or boyfriend’s  back.

I believe that if you have problems, as a woman you deal with them, you don’t play a victim, you don’t make yourself look pitiful, you don’t point fingers. You stand and you deal. You face the world with a head held high and you carry the universe in your heart.”  

Educated women should be  independent and are thus happy on their own, and do not need a man to give them the stability and peace in life.  These women find dating not crucial in order to feel fulfilled, and the time not spent dating becomes more valuable and meaningful. 

Yet, but being a Educated woman is much more difficult than you think, as they are determined to cope with all the challenges in life alone, and depend on their own only.

Additionally,

“They don’t seek out a partner to get anything out of them; they seek someone in order to add value to their life. They only want someone who will lift them up, not drag them down. In the same way, they also wish to add meaning to someone else’s life and see the importance of both give and take in a relationship. A strong woman would never take more than she’s willing to give when it comes to love.

An educated woman is only attracted to a positive, uplifting person because she’s been through a lot in her own life and doesn’t want someone who will drag her back into the dirt.  She will always tackle problems with you, but won’t tolerate constant complaining and toxic behavior.”

Actually, being in a toxic relationship is something no one should tolerate. Unhealthy relationships only destroy the life of the couple, ruining their self-esteem, and causing only sadness and pain.

Therefore, leaving such a union is necessary, as the partners only delay their peacefulness and happiness they can get when they leave each other.

Everyone should devote their personal time and energy to someone who deserves it, and if you haven’t found your love yet, you will find greater happiness as an individual.  Being open to dating is absolutely great, but being completely happy single is acceptable and awesome as well.

Educated women often decide not to waste their energy on relationships that will only hurt them, as they are well aware of the fact that being alone is exponentially better than being part of an unhealthy relationship.

Being alone has nothing to do with feeling lonely, so feel free to be who you really want to be, and make sure you develop into the person of your dreams before you start working on a loving relationship with someone.

Final thoughts 

Women do not want to settle for, having to sift though  bargain basements to find the right kind of man, they are looking for someone who they can have stimulating conversations with, men who can enhance their lives in more ways than one. Men who have had enough  of those women that don’t meet their needs either, and are also looking for better connections. Just start adjusting to the new World order by thinking out side of the box, folks.

Let’s dance together.

Translation: “Dancing does not have an age, it does not have moments, it does not have conditions… because you are not dancing with your feet, you dance with the heart.”

No matter our cultures when two  people can dance together they will make a connection. When two givers engage in a connection, it's like magic, it's alchemy,  I will water you, and you will water me, we never drain each other, we just grow in harmony.

Good people, bring out the good in people. And dancing brings out the best in those who can dance.

While growing up in a cultural melting pot, one learns to adapt quickly. This is what really helped many of my friends and I  growing up as open minded folks. We learned from each other and our cultures overlapped. So much so that we stopped recognizing the boundaries. Boundaries are artificial  limits set by people who want to keep us apart, separated, segregated this only works when people buy into the separation theories. And if you allow it to take hold in your community you will find yourselves limited.

We dance with each other no matter our home cultures

Why don't my dad let me date who I want to date,
instead some old customs he is holding on to,  of him selecting for me?

I used to visit a college friend who was of a different culture his younger sister had  eyes for me, she laughs at or with me and flirted with me openly. She even asked me to dance with her as she was playing music,  whenever I visited. Her dad didn’t like it. He was OK with his son and me being good friends, but when it came to his daughter he instantly stopped liking me. His oldest daughter had gotten herself pregnant for a black man. He had no choice but accept their union and their marriage. He was not going to allow that to happen twice. I saw his discomfort and limited my  one on one contact with his second daughter, the mother however seemed to liked me alot and kept inviting me over for dinner, as I was single, and liked her cooking, I always accepted. My visits were always short, because the dad would make sure that his daughter would have to clear the dining table and do the dishes and stay away from me. My buddy and I would hang for a little after dinner and I would leave. I never overstayed my welcome! 

I found out years later that the youngest daughter never got married, and never had any children, I could not imagine why. She was beautiful, I’m sure her dad’s roadblocks had something to do with it, they lived in a mixed community, probably because of economics. The son (my college friend)  got married but him and his wife never had any children either, the one biracial grandson was the only grandchild they had. That surely killed their hopes for having a pure race in their family. <smirking> had the dad not blocked his daughter’s attraction to me he might have had more grandchildren. Who knows?

  

Final thoughts

Many times folks have made the wrong judgement calls because of pre-judging  others simply because the other persons do not look or sound like them is countless.  We need to get along with others that are not carbon copies of ourselves. 

The mystery is what makes her beautiful, and Amazing in our eyes.

Women are a mystery to most mortal men, we often wonder what is she thinking. We can’t just figure women out. When we think we understand a woman… we often get hit by it being a missed-story. This is why when she flirts with a man, he gets confusing signals. He asks her a question, and she responds with one negative word “NO”. The word “no” is the most often used word in a female vocabulary. Men hear it and we think, but I think she really means “yes”. The fact that it is not clear to us, adds to the challenges of trying to establish a relationship with her. Women can smile and say “no”. Men see her smile and think she really is “playing me.” I’m in the game…so I just have to get to first, then second, third base, and then I’m heading for home plate. 

Watch me confuse the hell out of him with my smile and still tell him “NO” 

Men have gotten it wrong, for ages. “No” can mean “not now”,  it can mean “never”, it can also mean “ give me time to think about it”.   

This is not like baseball, she has her standards, she has her reasons for her vague responses. If you try too hard to figure her out where she is coming from…. then she will switch directions on you, then you are even more confused and lost. The path is never a straight line, it’s “a maze.” Therefore we men think a beautiful woman is “Amazing”..... because she can”Amaze” you in so many different ways. So many different ways that  even a compass can miss-direct you. Let’s get to the point where a man can be sure she is into him. Men can’t ever be sure because she might change her mind multiple times and then multiple times again. 

If you are still confused then you might give up and assume she is not worth the effort. 

However when you give up that’s when you may be  surprised that she may have just changed her mind and you could have gotten on base, but just like in  baseball, you better stay on base and pay full attention because trying to steal a base and get to second base can be risky. You might get picked off and thrown“out”. Then you have to  wait and go throughout the batting rotation again before you are up at bat again.

Do you have enough time, can you be patient or will time run out on you? 

“Your time is up! So now the answer is NO”

The following are some of the simple etiquette points  we men need to apply, that will give us better standing in dealing with women:

1st.  First and foremost, don’t be a distraction to her. There’s nothing worse than being a loud and disruptive man who arrives late and is always on his phone, complaining about how nothing ever gets accomplished when he is being nice. 

2nd. A man should be prepared to come early, put his phone away, and actively listen and participate in a conversation of her choice.

3rd  Bring “positive energy” to the room. The energy you contribute is infectious and has a tremendous impact on how she sees you, so make a concerted effort to bring your “A” game  into the room. 

Men need to learn to say “NO” Politely to avoid time Vampires. 

Time vampires come in many forms, but no matter how they manifest themselves in a man’s daily life, they always seem to drain you of that most precious commodity….. which is time. The good thing, though, is that you can always just chose to not waste anymore time. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m guilty of saying “yes” to a woman, when I see an opportunity to make her like me, that favors her because I want her to like me, and subconsciously, I’m concerned that if I say “NO’, I will upset her or be viewed negatively. Just think about all the times that you’ve agreed to something. Whether it was volunteering, doing her a favor, or allowing the woman to infringe on your time; there are so many scenarios where we men feel uncomfortable saying “NO.” 

 However women say”NO” without any discomfort what-so-ever. 

Final thoughts

Women don’t see the “NO” answer as a game. Men see it as a game she is playing. However women know that when she finally says “Yes” she has handed over control to him. Men may take advantage of her from  that point. So “NO” is for self-perseverance. A Man can ask a woman “ what do want to drink, Coke or Pepsi and she will respond “Dr. Pepper.”

Then it’s her turn to ask about his favorite movie “ Star Wars or Star Trek”  

The man could  answer: “ Star Wars”, thinking simple because it was the first choice of the two she gave him.  He thinks it is also her favorite because she lead with it. She might then respond “I don’t like either of the two.! “Oooh crap”  back to the drawing board dude. 

All things have a Timeline and an expiration date

Please permit me, to explain what I’m writing about here. We as all people have a timeline in every aspect of our lives. There is a time to be born, a time to live and grow and a time to die. We all know this but often enough we just spend our time just living for day to day hoping for tomorrow until tomorrow becomes the expiration date. As I have had a few friends and family die one after the other over the past few months, and even years. I found myself thinking about the things I would of should have said to some of them when I had a chance “Don’t worry be happy!” was a popular song a few decades ago. It struck a cord that made people joyful. The song would play on the radio and almost everybody would sing along. Except for the folks who really felt they had no reason what so ever to be happy about. Most of us fall in the category of sometimes happy, sometimes not so happy and maybe sometimes sad and worst cases sometimes depressed. We live each day as if we have time in the future that will go on and on. But Not really… thinking that the things we put off until tomorrow might never happen, should wake us up, about how much time we have left . Out of fear we just hope that the stars will magically align just right so that tomorrow will be the happiest day of our lives. Well, tomorrow is right now. Not where you are maybe but right now in another time zone somewhere on the digital clock of someone else across the oceans. It’s already tomorrow in China, it will be tomorrow in Australia later, New Zealand, etc. I'm fortunate to have crossed the International Dateline, I learned the importance of understanding time, you don’t magically look at your watch and see the correct time in the relevant region you are flying over. You have to reset it or in the case of your cellphone or laptop, it will reset based on your location and the cell tower it pings against. Which means things have changed relative to your location. Relativity of time waits for no man or woman. Time is fluent in term of our realities.
If you are being kind to someone you have much to give that they will be thankful for

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, let's start you off right! 

So why do we put things off until tomorrow in the cases of our relationships… Now you know where I’m going with this. Guys who are hunters, go after the woman they believe could make them happy for a period of time, let's not kid ourselves that too has an expiration date.     He chases her until she catches him <smirking> and he is happy to lift her higher and higher until he can’t do it anymore. Maybe his resources have suddenly hit that a brick wall, his strengths are no longer relevant in the current World. Women also have the same problems they have a biological clock that allows them to look around them and think, he is the one I have to give my time to (investment) we can have a baby or two or more. But that is also defendant on a few factors. Because it does not always happen the way you think, it will.  He may have other plans.

We must understand that time waits for no one. If you think you have time on your side you might be surprised that someone else might think about hooking up with the person you also thought you should have to fix your breakfast for first thing the morning.
OK I have said a mouthful, here. Guys expect their women to fix them breakfast, but those guys fail to understand that roles have changed over the last few decades. And some have even reversed.
So the guy, who is an early riser, might think it's smart to do for you what other guys expect you to do for them.

Ladies to be included in his future plans, and he included in your future plans takes synergy between the two of you.

 

Deeply loved vs selfish expectations

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, 

while loving someone deeply give you courage. ~ Loa Tzu.

Many folks get the above statement  confused, I have to admit that as a man, Having Love in my life  has always been part of my being who I am, when I feel love I would do almost anything to make the person in my life happy.  It’s not always the romantic kind of love and all that stuff that people seem to need in their lives to feel strong and even courageous. When a man knows he is loved by someone he gets a surge of energy, I know this, because when the love stops coming my way I’ve felt  deflated as a result, making me wonder why am I even bothering to do things for the other person, who does not love me, or has stopped loving me, and/or I have stopped loving them. Most of the time it happens over a period of time, like rust, due to not enough maintenance. We don’t fall in Love or out of Love. Love is consistent energy. Just like electricity when it is cut off the things that you depend on to function using electrical  power stops functioning. A woman can always tell if a man loves her by how much time he is willing to invest. Money spent is meaningless, but time and energy spent is priceless! Men on the other hand seldom know if a woman truly loves them. Like the comedian Chris Rock said: “ men are never loved unconditionally, he needs to be able to facilitate a dream, provide something of value. 

For example: A woman thinks; “ if he loves me he will , prove it by doing  these things for me” her to-do-list of things can be short or long. And the man thinks: “if she loves me then she will consider doing these things for me.” his to-do-list of things can also be short or long. They may  both be mistaken in their thinking. Service to others has nothing to do with battering, these are the old ways of forming a relationship. “I will do for you, but only if you will  do for me,” Men and women have taken on new roles, in this 21st century, but still keep their old ideas lingering in their heads. Women are more independent these days but feel like they need to have a man do the thing they saw their fathers do for their mothers, who were in codependent relationships.  If he did not provide for her, and she didn’t do the domestic things for him neither of them were happy. Which may have worked, or not worked out well for our parents. But when a woman shifts to being more independent then she should not expect the same things her mother needed for survival. And a man who considers himself a modern-day man does not need his woman to do all the things his mother did for his dad either.  Why is this confusion continuing to cloud relationships. In my humble opinion it’s mainly because we want, what we think want, and therefore feel we are entitled to having what others are getting from their partners. No two relationships are the same. No man is able to feel totally satisfied in a relationship with a woman if he believes she is not giving him enough of what he needs, because he sees his buddies getting it from their women, we want what the Jones have. Well now that sharing has become more selfish and more demanding we get stuck in a rut of unhappiness, having co-dependencies that are not healthy and satisfying.  Once a relationship has been established as exclusive, then the  rules of that relationship is what you and yours vowed to uphold. 

But when two people start out by not adhering to their vows and then breaks these vows. Then the relationship is broken, and you can’t fix broken, now can you?

This is an old Japanese custom, of beautifying what was onces been broken. 

 Not many of us, these days,  are truly strong enough to fix and beautify what was broken. We often bail on the relationship. Now lets look at strong  independent women for a minute. 

I read the following in an article that got me thinking:

“Strong independent women know more than anything else that taking care of themselves is a must, and to not look upon anyone else to swoop in and save the day for them. They have been battle tested and learned what independence truly means.

Strong independent women have never known what it's like to need anyone because they had to fend for themselves at a younger age. Any strong independent woman you meet has had a few crappy hands dealt to her in life, but she has risen above like the  champion she is at heart, not allowing one misstep or misfortune to hold her down.

Additionally,

They don’t seek out a partner to get anything out of them; they seek someone in order to add value to their life. They only want someone who will lift them up, not drag them down. In the same way, they also wish to add meaning to someone else’s life and see the importance of both give and take in a relationship. A strong independent woman would never take more than she’s willing to give when it comes to love.

A strong woman is only attracted to a positive, uplifting person because she’s been through a lot in her own life and doesn’t want someone who will drag her back into the dirt.  She will always tackle problems with you, but won’t tolerate constant complaining and toxic behavior.”

Actually, being in a toxic relationship is something no one should tolerate. Unhealthy relationships only destroy the life of the couple, ruining their self-esteem, and causing sadness and pain.

Therefore, leaving such a union maybe  necessary, as the partners only delay their peacefulness and happiness they can get when they leave each other.

Everyone should devote his personal time and energy to someone who deserves it, and if you haven’t found your love yet, you will find greater happiness as an independent individual.  Being open to dating is absolutely great, but being completely happy independently single is acceptable and awesome as well.

Strong independent women often decide not to waste their energy on relationships that will only hurt them, as they are well aware of the fact that being alone is exponentially better than being part of an unhealthy relationship.

Being alone has nothing to do with feeling lonely, so feel free to be who you really want to be, and make sure you develop into the person of your dreams before you start working on a loving relationship with someone.

Buddha said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

“Thank you, for sharing this with me!”

Now just picture a couple who independently is willing to do the things for themselves, and their partner in a relationship of sharing. No selfish expectations. They are seldom disappointed because they are willing to do things for themselves. When you are strong and independent you are willing to do for yourselves, so  why can’t you do that in a union? Where sharing becomes the act of love and kindness.  

Final thoughts: So what is deep love, it’s the absence of judgement!

The world as we knew it has  changed for many of us, divorces are greater or about 50% this is mainly because of dissatisfaction  created by selfish expectations. These expectations have led to unhappy unions. What people expect from others is usually what  they are not willing to do for themselves. So if you are unwilling to do these things for yourself but still you are expecting someone else to do them for you… then this will lead to major disappointments, if they are not willing. Selfish expectations lead to the biggest causes of unhappiness. In the words of President John F. Kennedy:     “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,”   

Therefore this can be re-phased to read something like this in the case of relationships: “Ask not what your partner can do for you, ask what will you be willing to do for yourself, and share with your partner.” This will open up the giving and receiving traffic lanes, and more happiness will flow through these lanes of sharing. 

There will  be less selfish expectations. Therefore less disappointments... 

“I know you took out the garbage! Thank you!”