I'm really Not that bad.

Women are often reprimanded for being complicated creatures, but the truth is that we men can be just as guilty of sending mixed signals to the opposite sex. A lot of the reasons for why revert back to society's traditional line of thought around masculinity — and what's deemed "cool" or not — but let's be honest: That's no excuse. So if you've ever wondered what we, as men, really think and want, here's a sneak peek at what we men wish you women knew.

1. We crave compliments just as much as you.
2. And they don't have to just be about our looks.
3. Our honesty is well-intentioned.
4. We really (really) want to solve your problems.
5. We want you to appreciate our reliability.
6. But don't want to be attached at the hip.
7. We love feminine touches.
8. You can be a boss in the bedroom.
9. Seeing is believing.
10. Try not to pick out the one thing we did wrong.

1. Some guys may try to play it off like they don't need praise — they just threw on that T-shirt without thinking — Or wore a well tailored suit to take you out on a date, but anyone who tries to tell you they don't want a compliment tossed their way is full of crap. Yes, we thought about what you'll think of how those jeans show off our athletic thighs, ( please bring your eye to my strong thighs). And yes, we want you to notice how the edge of our sleeves perfectly grip our biceps. (We've worked hard to make the muscle pop like that.) These compliments — whether they're actually voiced or delivered through a lingering stare — remind men of what attracted you, lady, to us in the first place, it appeals to our Darwinian sense of selectivity (meaning it's crystal-clear why you are choosing us over the other monkeys), and sure, it makes us think there's a possibility of procreation — or at least practicing the art of it.

2. Just to be clear, the praise you give doesn't need to revolve around our bodies. In fact, it's important that women commend the things that masculinity tends to belittle, like if we're good cooks or have insightful takeaways about foreign films or a book we read. Tell us when we're nailing the whole parenting thing, if we're being helpful partners, or that you think we were caring sons. These kinds of compliments aren't something we'll soon forget, and only make us want to further prove that we're worth your kind words. 

3. We know that, at times, tact can be the four-letter word that we never learned. But many times, being brutally honest is our way of showing you that we care. Think about it: Throughout the day, it's common to lie or obfuscate with people you have no interest in. The art of BS is how we get through the day. But with you, we want to forget all that. We want to tell you why your mother bothers us and how you can stop fighting with your high-maintenance friends. Not only do we think it'll solve a problem (more on that below), but we also want you to know that we think highly of you. And mom taught us that you don't lie to the ones who matter.

4. One of the biggest differences between men and women is how we handle difficult situations. Many times, women want to talk about what's going on just for the sake of talking. To know that someone is really listening to them, and is here to comfort them when times get rough. And there's nothing wrong with that. But for men, it's our instinct to come up with as many potential solutions to the problem as possible. Blame the wiring in our brains, but what it boils down to is that we don't want to see our (person of interest) loved ones suffer. So if you just want to have us listen — and not do anything about the problem, or offer our opinions on how to fix it — then tell us that up front. That way we'll know to keep our traps shut, stay arms open.

5. Similar to why we're so damn honest, a good man demonstrates his commitment to you by showing up, even doing things you did not ask for. So yes, it's more than a little irritating when you go on and on about the jerk who has mastered the art of ghosting, orbiting, or whatever new dating term kids are throwing around these days. It's a vicious cycle — the more men feel those guys get the benefits of your time and attention, the more incentive we have to become those guys. And that's a lose-lose for everyone involved. Instead, smile when we aren't late to date night, or send us a text thanking us once we prove you can call at anytime. Positive reinforcement, right?

6. We acknowledge the importance of couple time. We'd even go so far as to say that, in the best relationships, showing your beau some form of love each day deepens and extends the partnership. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't spend time apart. Going on a hiking weekend with the boys does not diminish the bond we share, nor does taking a few hours to workout solo or visit a store we know you have zero interest in. Just like women need alone time or girls night with their friends, guys need the companionship of other men or time to themselves. This kind of separation will refresh our minds, give us stories to share, and bring us back to you with more spirit. 

7. While no fair-minded guy wants women to return to the life of a 1950s sitcom, neither do we want the elimination of the feminine as a virtue. So don't be ashamed to hold on to those things that make you different from us if they make you feel good. (If they don't, then ditch 'em.) We may not always say it, but it's beautiful — and much appreciated — how much you care about seeing flowers on the table, smelling nice, or cooking a delicious meal.

8. Unleash yourself. Express your fantasies. Use your hands. Suggest toys. Show us who's BOSS and give good directions. No matter how you slice it, we love when you take control behind closed doors. Not only do your explanations heighten our intuition, but we get off knowing that you're getting off multiple times, and that's a win-win for everyone involved.

9. Want to know why men like sports? Pure, measurable success. At the end of the game, no one can dispute the number of touchdowns, home runs, or points on the scoreboard. An athlete works toward a goal and is rewarded with concrete proof of his effort.

So what is irrefutable proof of a successful emotional life? The data is less tangible. Men fear vagueness because, for some reason, it often feels like failure isn't far behind. (And in case you hadn't noticed, we hate to fail.) To temper that, we'd love it if you became our ally in emotional pursuits. Tell us when we're being supportive, that it's OK for us to cry at the Maxwell concert <smirking>, or that you really appreciate us opening up to you about a sensitive subject. It's basically like giving us a pat on the back, but it's the encouragement we need to keep stepping in a more emotional, well-rounded direction.

10. How important is picking up our socks and putting away our shoes, if the yard is mowed each week? Does it matter that an item was forgotten at the store when we checked off the rest of the list? If the kid went to his friend's house with a stained shirt, yet still finished his science project, is there a point to mentioning it? (I digress) Sometimes we forget things, and maybe it even happens more than you like, but we're human. And more than likely, we really are doing our best. So before you berate us, think about whether it's worth the argument, and try to give credit where it's due.

So who has heard of Tender Masculinity

Dude you are so  very different, compared to my last boyfriend. 

Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a REAL Man.Our favorite books and movie characters exemplify tenderness as the antidote to machismo.

This is not all that new, it’s been around for  decades we were called "gentlemen." But a new term has emerged “Tender Masculinity” it just sound not so old school. Women have gone through so many different types of experiences with men… that things have come full circle. 

In an era where toxic masculinity is utterly overwhelming, and outdated, women are  desperate for a healthier and more nuanced role.

While women have mental imagery of Macho Men (buff, distant) and Nice Guys (nerdy, brooding), the characters that embody Tender Masculinity are multi-layered and come from all backgrounds, and cultures depending on how you see it.

Here is a checklist, ladies, on how to spot a Tender Masculin Man:

• Is he invested in all of his relationships, not just romantic ones?
• Does he express his emotions in a healthy way?
• Is self-awareness a concept he’s comfortable with?
• Does he commit to personal growth?
• Are boundaries something he is aware of and respects?

• Is he unafraid of male intimacy — for instance, can he express affection for male friends without making a gay joke?

The best thing about Tender Masculinity is that it’s not only a necessary antidote to our media portrayals of men — it’s also already here. There aren’t a lot of Tender Man characters yet, and women would love to see more, but a few books and movies are promoting this lower-swagger, higher-emotion ideal. These are the fully-realized male characters we need to celebrate and see more of.

I've never heard   of "Tender Masculinity"

Final thought

OK in my 4 generations from Grandfather, father and myself sons I can honestly say… It has been Tender Masculinity past down from generation to generation. Now my sons are  a bit different gentlemen to me, as I was different to how my father was to some degree, I would have to switch a little and state that I didn’t know my father’s father, but I did know my mother’s father. Who I was very much a big fan of, all of his daughters had standards that they looked for in men, my take away from this is  that they all knew how a “Tender Masculine” man behaved and treated women. Let’s say I don’t think this was an accident.  

Try a little tenderness

so please explain  to me why you needed to go there?

OK I might be off the rail with this one!  I don’t think I am...... but then again it’s my opinions that count when I debate an issue on my blog.

The other day I was talking to a security guard as two young women drove up to go into a supermarket. They got out of the car. We (dogs) both looked at these women and had different thoughts instantly. The security guard said. “Why are so many women becoming lesbians?” My reaction was instant, ‘What made you think they are lesbians?’  Maybe because they held hands as they walked into the store?’ and I had to admit that I didn’t see them holding hands in car! So I didn’t assume they were in a romantic relationship. But the guard pointed out that he has worked as a guard for a few years , he is paid to observe things that be different, and had seen these women before and he was sure they were lesbians.  Again my comeback was instant: ‘Women sometimes need a little tenderness without having to worry about being treated as sex objects’ Things that her life has taught her that she can’t get from a dude who has sex on his mind 24/7. Se wants compassion, she want understanding, she want’s tenderness and if a vibrator can get her off being used by some who know how to use it on her even better!

He Shook his head. So I said how do you know what’s going on between them? You are assuming that they are doing the things that you are imagining they are doing without having the facts or the reasons why they might be doing them. 

He once again looked at me like I had lost my mine. So I tried to explain what a female friend who happens to be a lesbian once told me, Women who were in relationships for years with men, and had their hearts broken even left with children to raise by themselves. Sometime need to turn to other women for tenderness and compassion. They may not start out think about becoming gay/lesbians. They may still want a good man, but the man they want does seem to be available or tender enough to fulfill their needs. So they turn to a woman who understands and can do things to them and for them. Without  having to worry about becoming pregnant or getting an STD. I was getting to deep for the brother. He said: " they are going against the laws of nature maybe, I have seen them Plenty of times and they don’t look like they ever want to be with a man again” I could resist: 'They are out of your league dude. that all they don't a burly dude like you.  

So leave them alone, if they are happy then it’s none of your concern!'

Needless to say I see things a bit differently, because  I don’t build my hopes up by desiring a woman that is in a relationship with someone else, Man  or woman. We guys want her because be can’t have her, we get mean and act like we are the ones being betrayed when women may temporarily  find happiness with someone else male or female. We may have lost ownership of what we may not even have owned. <smirking> It’s not yours it’s hers she will let you use it even rent it. If you invest  in her she might just partner with you for some length of time but be aware of the expiration date. Forever-after is a myth.

Final thought

Media representations of masculinity tend to play in two notes: On the left we have Nice Guys and on the right we have Macho Men. Both play into ideas of toxic masculinity in their own ways. Macho Men are emotionally distant, but it’s okay because they’re buff and men don’t have feelings anyway. Whether it’s an action hero like Die Hard’s John McClane, or a tortured bad boy like The Breakfast Club’s Bender or Wuthering Heights’ Heathcliff, we are conditioned to see their anger issues as passion and their repressed emotions as something romantic for women to “fix.” Nice Guys are seen as an antidote, but more often than not, their niceness is performative and in direct relation to their feelings towards a crush. Think of Laurie in Little Women, who grows as a character through the help of Jo, but once she turns him down weaponizes all that character growth as leverage to get in her pants.                               

Try a little tendernes

Queen Bee syndrome!

A queen may want a king, but don't get it twisted, she can run the castle by herself!

I LOOK Amazing and I know it!

My instant thought "QBS": Women leaders are role models and mentors to other women and girls."

But what if the opposite was true?

Instead of acting as mentors could successful female bosses be pulling up the ladder behind them because they perceive other women as a threat?

This is the theory known as Queen Bee Syndrome (QBS)

First let me state that this was defined by psychologists at the University of Michigan in 1973, Queen Bee syndrome describes a woman in a position of authority in a male-dominated environment who treats subordinates more critically if they are female.

Prof Dame Sally Davies, England's first female chief medical officer, used the term in 2014 when describing her own experiences in the health sector.

"I saw it particularly in medicine - queen bees preening and enjoying being the only woman," she said.

In recent decades, there has been a substantial increase in the number of women in the workplace. But when it comes to rising to the top, women remain under-represented at boardroom levels.

Deloitte's study looked at 7,000 companies in 44 countries and found women made up just 15% of corporate boards around the world.

In the UK progress is being made, albeit slowly. The number of FTSE 100 companies where women make up 33% of their boards increased from 19% to 28% in the past year.

So is "queen bee behaviour" hindering women's progress?

Opinions on the subject is divided.

One recent study in the US argues the phenomenon does exist.

Prof Joyce Benenson, a psychologist based at Emmanuel College in the US, carried out an experiment in which volunteers were asked to split money with a fictitious same-sex partner. The leader could keep as much or as little money as he or she wanted. Prof Benenson found that the high status men were consistently more willing to reward their lower status colleagues than the high status women. She says the findings are indicative of queen bee behaviour and that "women have a really hard time competing with other women". So why are the women less generous to other women? My take is let's put it down to evolution, women are not used to forming tight same-sex groups in the way that men do. My B.A.D. reference manual is "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" This QBS goes back to a time, when females had to compete for mates and for resources for their children. Prof Benenson acknowledges that her research has been controversial.

When asked about the reaction from the academic community, she says: "Completely negative. "It's hard for me but I try to be objective. I would like women to do better."

While Prof Benenson believes women have evolved to behave in certain ways, other academics argue that Queen Bee behaviour - where it does exist - is actually a product of discrimination perpetuated by men. LOL. They discovered when a woman had been appointed as a chief executive, other women were more likely to be promoted to senior positions. But when a company was headed by a man, it was much harder for more than one woman to make it into senior management levels. The research found that the probability of a second woman becoming a senior manager fell by 51% when the chief executive was male. The study argued an "implicit quota" was to blame. It found that male-dominated leadership teams felt pressure to increase women's representation and would make an effort to have a small number of women in top management. Queen bee syndrome is a controversial subject.

The theory seeks to establish a cause and effect relationship between perceived female behaviour traits and the lack of representation at the top of management.

In doing so it makes sweeping generalisations about the way all women behave.

This is a very difficult link to prove. It also ignores the role that men may play.

The very existence of the term is perhaps one of many examples of sexism at work.

As Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook's chief operating officer, observed last year: "Women aren't any meaner to women than men are to one another. Women are just expected to be nicer".

Most research suggests that since the concept first gained traction in the 1970s, queen bee syndrome has lost its sting.

Naomi Ellemers, a professor from Utrecht University in the Netherlands, has been researching gender inequality in the workplace for 20 years.

She says queen bee syndrome is an unhelpful label because the term suggests women are the problem.

"It's not a case of women hindering other women and men can't do anything about it," she says.

Prof Ellemers says a queen bee behaviour is a response to sexism, where some women try to distance themselves from other women.

In 2011, Prof Ellemers and her colleagues carried out a study asking Dutch policewomen to recall specific experiences of being discriminated against.

They found that being reminded of gender discrimination prompted participants to downplay the sexism they had experienced.

It also triggered queen bee behaviour among policewomen who identified weakly with other women at work.

"They are being taught to be successful in the organisation you need to adopt male characteristics," Prof Ellemers says.

"They cope with gender bias by demonstrating they are different from other women."

These women use phrases such as: "I'm not like the other women, I'm much more ambitious."

Prof Ellemers calls this "self-group distancing" - a response that is also found among other groups that are under-represented at work - and argues that the queen bee syndrome is a product of gender stereotyping. 

Final Thoughts

Who would have thought that an Argentina Latina
would become Queen of the Netherlands?

Hmmm! Let just say I love strong independent women, but I have to look at things in the World where men still dominate. Women who are strong Queens usually don't crown a man King, he will always remain a Prince... or a baron, a Duke.... just look at the Kingdoms of the EU nations, Queen Elizabeth's husband remained a Prince. Former Dutch Queen Beatrix and her mother Queen Juliana both their husbands remain Prince Clause and Prince Bernhard. while their son and grandson became King Willem-Alexander and his wife became Queen Maxima.

So ladies if you want a King let him crown you his Queen. otherwise he will be playing second violin to you. OK maybe that works for you!

I don’t want to be in a relationship because I fear being hurt by love

So why do you  feel this way?

You can not fix what you ignore!

I am going to assume that you feel that way because you have been hurt and/or betrayed
by people that you loved (I’m not going to assume that it is always by a man).
To me it is obvious that if you would not have been hurt you would not feel that way.

As a result of your great pain, you are now afraid that it will happen again,
and how can anyone blame you? I would not want to feel that pain either as a man.
As a matter of fact, I really don’t want to be betrayed either.

What you are doing (ladies)  is throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It is like refusing to use fire to warm you up because you got burned by fire.
So you freeze your little butt off,(it's getting colder in many Northern city  now that is Fall, so I’m
using this analogy, you suffer in the cold because you can’t handle the pain of being burned again
by the fire. Who can blame you?
To make the problem even worse, when you are afraid of getting hurt again, you somehow attract
exactly the kind of person that will hurt you again. I can see you frowning right now.
Thus, fulfilling your self proclaimed prophecy, and saying to yourself “See, I told you so.”
Your kinda stuck in a maze that has no beginning, but even worse, no end.
But here is were you missing out because every maze designer  started with an entry point
and end with a exit.  I think you have two choices, and since you are an adult, (I hope)
and can make your own choice, I would not allow anyone else to make that choice for you.

Choice one: Never go near anyone that you may fall in love with. If you see love coming,
run like hell, stay safe. Life alone is really not the worst thing in the world.
You can find many other things to do with friends, and you can enjoy many other things alone.

stay away from me, you look dangerous!

Choice two: Heal you pain of past experiences. Go deep within yourself and tap into your deep down knowing that you are loveable. That you deserve to be loved in a great relationship. Perhaps you can even learn to love yourself more too. Most people that are devastated by betrayal end up feeling pretty crappy about themselves. But don’t do it alone, find someone you like and work with them. Build up your self confidence and self worth. Learn how to evaluate people so that when you dare to embark on another relationship you will be much smarter in who you choose. You will not put up with the little abuses that point to inevitable betrayal. Yes, you may get hurt, obviously there are no guarantees in life, but you will be much better equipped to handle it like a loving and lovable human being.

Final thought
Maybe you have been let down in the past or you are afraid to let yourself be vulnerable.

Do you feel you deserve to be loved again and to love? Perhaps you have witnessed or been a part of relationship that have failed in the past and you seen how much it hurt your BFF. Often when we care and let down our guard (even men have this problem) it is a scary thing because we have to make ourselves vulnerable by sharing ourselves with others. Maybe we are afraid of what others will think of us. I’m having trouble answering this question (mentally, because men think differently from women) . I would like to spin this idea on you and think of love like death. If you were constantly afraid of death and you were to figure out  that you are already dead (because you scared yourself to death) then what would you have left to fear. Let’s consider that you are already loved and you can love if you love in a relationship good but even without a relationship you can still love others and yourself. If you already have love in your life currently, then what is there to fear from having a relationship with somebody new. Just remember that there is love that you share with others outside the relationship and there is love that you have for yourself. Keep loving yourself and whatever you share with others will simply be a bonus you've shared.

Temporarily I Dos, I wills

I'm not sure if I really want to be in a relationship again after the last one!

Euphoric Recall. When you overlook negative experiences 

– Nick Kypriotis.

Euphoric recall is basically looking at something through rose tinted glasses or only remembering the good bits of memory.

Just Imagine that you are watching a trailer of a movie; the general plot is given but only the highlights (the good bits) ARE SHOWN. Highlights of a movie can make it seem really good and make you want to watch it. The reality is often that these were the best bits of the film and the rest is not up to expectations, and you wonder why you’ve bothered going to see it.  You need to build up an awareness of the effect euphoric recall has on you and also how other people can make it spark off.

He held me so tight like he never want to let me go.
His hold on me was like a drug! 

Euphoric recall with mind altering substances or compulsive/behavioural addictions can act in the same way, in that only the good memories are shown and in effect help build up your expectations of anticipation related to drug use and acting out behaviours. However, the reality of living the film “Some of My Using Experiences” is that you are left feeling unsatisfied, depressed, anxious, paranoid etc. In addition to these feelings you may also end up in debt, facing the consequences of your actions and in trouble with your partner, family and friends.

Think about  how many times you have been talking with others about experiences and how that has triggered off a craving. Once you are aware of how these discussions about the “good times” affect you, try to avoid them!

Yeah, but he is good and bad at using people.

Final thought

Look at the reality of not misusing other so that you may understand the facts behind your own experiences. List both the good and the bad aspects of your euphoric recalls. Be truthful and honest and don’t fool yourself!
If it was all that great then why did it end.....and all you have left are  euphoric recalls? 

Selective Memories.