She can tell you that satisfaction is not only in the size

Spending time together should  feel natural and relaxed. You find yourself wanting to do things together, whether it’s going to a ball game, a movie, or out on the trail, chilling on the beach. If you are finding that you’re forcing yourself to want to spend time with her that is a warning sign.... that she isn’t the right person for you. After all, people in committed relationships spend a lot of time interacting with each other. For the most part, that should be easy to do.

Baby, I'll hold you down in every way possible!

• When you Find Mrs Right: She’s Always on Your Mind
• When you know she is  Mrs Right: makes you smile  and may even bring Laughter
• You have found  Mrs Right: She makes you feel accepted and Understood
• But What if I’m Still Struggling to Find Mrs Right?

Do you catch yourself thinking about her when you are not together? I'm not talking about times when the two of you are having phone sex. It’s the little simple moments, such as holding hands, laughing at a joke, appreciating a view, or sharing a meal together. Even talking for a long period of time on the phone. Do those moments bring  a smile, a laugh, or just make you feel good?

Does she make you laugh? Even better yet, do you both laugh together? Are you creating your own inside jokes? Does she appreciate your sense of humor? Laughter is actually an important quality, as when we laugh we are completely relaxed and our guard is down. Laughing is a time when we are the most vulnerable. When we can share that moment with someone you think might be the one, it becomes a truly special occasion.

Our partners should allow us to feel understood, accepted, and experience a sense of belonging. Don’t underestimate these qualities. When you do find Mrs Right, not only will she enhance this feeling, hopefully, she will feel the same. When your partner does good things for you don’t let her go. Find ways to foster that connection, for that is truly special.

If you are still looking for Mrs Right and not finding much success on the dating scene, consider working with a counselor. Someone who specializes in relationship counseling for men and women  may be beneficial. A counselor can help you identify areas of disconnect and help you work on communication skills that may help you meet and interact with potential companions.

Dating can be a frustrating experience. Perhaps you may  have been looking for Mrs Right for a long time. Don’t give up! Until she enters your life, seek to understand your own needs and feelings.  Prepare yourself to be with someone special and don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s worth the time and effort to find the right match for you.

Somehow I knew this date would be  a smashing success! hello big Willie!

Final thoughts

Can you engage with a sensitive  woman  and maximize performance at the same time? It isn’t  like having  "to put in too work mentally " and having fun at the same time equal  as putting in enough work? Mden  need to recognize a women  for simply doing their part too? If you wrestle with these questions, you aren’t alone. You’re struggling with the disconnect between an outdated model of relationship management and a new world of  putting in enough work. The time for top down, compliance-based relationship management is over. To attract, retain and unleash great talent for you, a new approach is required.

  Old schoolers remember when you could put in work like this old tune 

 Satisfaction guaranteed or take your love back!

A third date is much more than just a date

This is our third date,
so look at me as we take this picture together! Show your admiration for me,
while we dance together. 

Let's face it a third date is less nerve wracking than the first date, and a sure guarantee that the woman didn’t just say "yes" to the second encounter by accident, the "third date" often determines the direction of the relationship. Yes, I used the "R" word — something you are allowed to do once you cross the mark of the third Date. 

So let the other person see you for who you really are!

Present THE REAL YOU
After a few dates, women are much more willing to open up about their own experiences and are likely to share stories about themselves. While the first two dates gave you a superficial idea of what she’s like, the third gives you the biggest insight into her personality. And you can start to see patterns and traits, like if she genuinely is interested in films and so on. But beware: a third date also gives warning signs. Is she feels like she is always the victim in her office  ..... you might have to think about why she sees herself as a victim, are her fears justified  or not. maybe she needs a hero to come into her life. 

COMPATIBILITY METER
While the first two dates may have seen you play it safe, now is the time to take a chance. You could either fail or you could come away with flying colours. Since you know her basic likes and dislikes, try planning a date that you both would enjoy. Whether it’s to an amusement park or coffee brewing workshop, you’ll get to see whether you are compatible, and if you both share the same idea of fun.

HARD TALK
A first and second date is too early to bring up what you want in a relationship. But a third date can actually tell you the future. If you ask, of course. Now guys, do not get into a huff and think she’s pushing you for a commitment — she’s not. And it is perfectly normal and acceptable for a woman (or man) to not want to waste their time or feel pressured into something they are not ready for. And if you reply with a “Let’s see how things go,” do not get offended if ..


Nerves, butterflies, awkward pauses and too many questions – that pretty much sums up a first date. But now that you’ve passed the terrible twos, you can relax a bit. She likes you (maybe). You’re likely to be on your best behaviour on your first date: steering clear of controversial topics, not asking about exes and no political talk. But now you know enough about the basics of each other to push the conversation and you don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or contrasting views on a topic.



THE NEXT LEVEL.  By the third date, you can flirt openly and she won’t write you off as a creep. Too much innuendo and flirting on the first date may make you come off as desperate, but a third date is the perfect time to show her you’re interested in taking things to the next level. And if you are both fine with sleeping with each other on the third date, then surely you’re mature enough for the next point.

this  is our third date, you better not blow it
by doing stupid stuff I don't expect you to do!

Final thoughts
As a man, I have looked at my history with dating, first dates I'm always on my best behavior, Second date still not miss-behaving too much, third date  and beyond then "my truth" is on full display. I interview women, without expectations.... this is where the rubber meets the road, I'm an analyst (a Computer systems Analyst by profession), so I see things some might miss, because I'm often looking past the obvious. You have a chance to show me and I have a chance to show you that we can find that one song that will be "our song....." because  most of the time I know from the very first date if I want to have a human connection with you, for the second date you may be thinking he looks not too BAD,  and by the third you might laugh at me jokes, and I will not see it as you are LOL at me, but you are LOL with me.  My KISS - Keep It Simple Silly  works easily for me. I don't desire a relationship with you just based on how you look, or how kind you are, nor how quick a temper you have... I know everyone has a trigger that can cause them to want to shoot the person they are building a relationship with, so if I don't trigger you to have an itchy trigger finger then I will not need my bullet proof vest. Remember I'm a it old school. I might declare that you are beautiful and special in more ways than just one, because you've got me sitting on top of the World. 

 "You must be a special lady!"

    

Patience is a virtue, I beg to differ!

S/he is gone, you better learn how to face it.

So move on to who is interested in you!

who might never forget you!

Back in the 1990s, researchers developed a construct related to the heightened sensitivity that some individuals feel around the experience of being rejected. Downey, Bonica, and Rincon (1998) described adolescents who suffer from this condition as feeling the following three emotional responses:

1. Defensively expecting to be rejected.
2. A tendency to perceive others’ behaviors as rejection.
3. Experiencing intense negative reactions to romantic rejection.

The authors were specifically exploring the experience of adolescents and noted that a youth’s background and life circumstances can play a significant role in the development of this unique sensitivity as well as how they handle its eruption.

As is the case in a host of dysfunctions that arise during youth, early unhealthy family situations are a likely contributor to hypersensitivity to rejection. If your early caregivers failed to respond positively to your bids for acceptance and affection, it makes sense that you’d grow up assuming rejection was the likely response to your efforts to establish a relationship.

This tendency may also show up as a lack of self-confidence, which plagues more people than the highly self-confident might believe. Women tend to be “allowed” to lack self-confidence or suffer from “low self-esteem” in our cultures, whereas men are expected to be strong, confident, and sure of themselves in any situation. The socially insecure may present themselves so poorly – due to their own self-doubt – that their expectations of rejection shape the reality they create. Even today, when new cultural messaging encourages sensitivity in men, it seems that the sensitivity must be projected and enacted from within an armored suit of strength and power. Not an easy task for those who do not naturally wear the mask of male potency and virility.

I'm not a dirty old man, I'm a senior with a  great sexdrive!

Yet “rejection hypersensitive” males experience something more intense than just a lack of self-confidence in romantic pursuits. They don’t bring even a hint of optimism that a potential partner’s equivocal response to their romantic interest could lead to a possible future acceptance; they interpret anything beyond a resounding “yes” to mean a flat-out rejection. No one is advocating that anyone should be encouraged to keep pushing for a "yes" when a "no" has been given; rejection-sensitive individuals, though, assume that any attempt at connection will be met with rejection.

When you’re expecting to be rejected, it can be logical to make faulty assumptions about others’ behaviors even if an intended relationship partner is communicating “hang on,” not “get lost.” We do learn what we live and if we’re left adrift by our families of origin, then we may tend to assume that the World is an inhospitable place fraught with rejection and hostility. Some of us may have had devoted and loving caregivers, yet a pessimistic temperament might lead us to assume rejection where reflection or time to consider is the response we are receiving from a potential partner. This is where the line between “normal” and "abnormal" reactions is drawn.

Thank you for rescuing me , from a life of loneliness!

If your Response to Rejection Isolates You Further, You May Have a Problem

Lastly, the degree to which a person responds to rejection is a strong indicator of whether they have a problem or not. Humans are undeniably highly social creatures – just like dogs are pack animals who need their fellow pack members, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance by people that matter to them. However, if your reaction to rejection is behavior that is likely to garner even stronger or more widespread rejection, that’s a sign of hypersensitivity to rejection.

Rejection Reactions: Gender Might Matter

Being rejected never feels good in the moment, no matter how lucky you might feel about the “near miss” a week, a year, or a decade later. However, there’s a gender difference in cultural expectations regarding acceptable responses to rejection. Men and women respond differently in culturally normative ways: Males tend to take rejection as a challenge to their masculinity or an insult to their perceived place in the social hierarchy. Women are likely to feel emotionally hurt by a rejection and to assume that there is something lacking in them that warranted the rejection or blame the person who did the rejecting but use self-soothing to get over the insult rather than lashing out as males might do. Women are encouraged to “get over it,” but men often feel the need to “get even.”

Research shows that when we are socially rejected, we are more likely to lower our standards in pursuit of a sense of belonging and acceptance. We are also likely to be more submissive to others than we typically are, in order to achieve social acceptance. This is one reason “everyone looks good at closing time.” When our goal is a social or sexual connection, the desire to achieve that end may result in the lowering of our initial expectations; the drive to couple up can be just that strong. However, when a man’s pride and sense of self is focused on conquering one particular romantic quest, the need to take action can result in violence.

Rejection Sensitivity + Cultural Male Norms + Lack of Emotional Self-Regulation = Violence Risk (hmm)

Males tend to have three dominant and demanding roles in life:

1. Provide.
2. Protect.
3. Prove Their Power.

That’s a lot on anyone’s shoulders in a world of competition for scarce resources, in tandem with the presumed status that power can bring. Individuals with limited ability to call on inner self-regulating resources or to rely on intrinsic rewards can lash out with unhealthy bids for power and dominance through violence and vengeance.

Men who have witnessed violence or have been victims of violence are more likely to see violence as an acceptable means to an end. In their eyes, life is a battleground that supports only two types of warriors: winners and losers. Being branded a “loser” can be a blow to the sense-of-self that individuals with fragile egos – or hypersensitivity to rejection – simply cannot withstand without one of two responses: shame or out-of-proportion retaliation, such as the tragic pattern of adolescent males turning to homicidal violence in response to rejections that seem too big to handle.

I'll never forget you!

I'm really Not that bad.

Women are often reprimanded for being complicated creatures, but the truth is that we men can be just as guilty of sending mixed signals to the opposite sex. A lot of the reasons for why revert back to society's traditional line of thought around masculinity — and what's deemed "cool" or not — but let's be honest: That's no excuse. So if you've ever wondered what we, as men, really think and want, here's a sneak peek at what we men wish you women knew.

1. We crave compliments just as much as you.
2. And they don't have to just be about our looks.
3. Our honesty is well-intentioned.
4. We really (really) want to solve your problems.
5. We want you to appreciate our reliability.
6. But don't want to be attached at the hip.
7. We love feminine touches.
8. You can be a boss in the bedroom.
9. Seeing is believing.
10. Try not to pick out the one thing we did wrong.

1. Some guys may try to play it off like they don't need praise — they just threw on that T-shirt without thinking — Or wore a well tailored suit to take you out on a date, but anyone who tries to tell you they don't want a compliment tossed their way is full of crap. Yes, we thought about what you'll think of how those jeans show off our athletic thighs, ( please bring your eye to my strong thighs). And yes, we want you to notice how the edge of our sleeves perfectly grip our biceps. (We've worked hard to make the muscle pop like that.) These compliments — whether they're actually voiced or delivered through a lingering stare — remind men of what attracted you, lady, to us in the first place, it appeals to our Darwinian sense of selectivity (meaning it's crystal-clear why you are choosing us over the other monkeys), and sure, it makes us think there's a possibility of procreation — or at least practicing the art of it.

2. Just to be clear, the praise you give doesn't need to revolve around our bodies. In fact, it's important that women commend the things that masculinity tends to belittle, like if we're good cooks or have insightful takeaways about foreign films or a book we read. Tell us when we're nailing the whole parenting thing, if we're being helpful partners, or that you think we were caring sons. These kinds of compliments aren't something we'll soon forget, and only make us want to further prove that we're worth your kind words. 

3. We know that, at times, tact can be the four-letter word that we never learned. But many times, being brutally honest is our way of showing you that we care. Think about it: Throughout the day, it's common to lie or obfuscate with people you have no interest in. The art of BS is how we get through the day. But with you, we want to forget all that. We want to tell you why your mother bothers us and how you can stop fighting with your high-maintenance friends. Not only do we think it'll solve a problem (more on that below), but we also want you to know that we think highly of you. And mom taught us that you don't lie to the ones who matter.

4. One of the biggest differences between men and women is how we handle difficult situations. Many times, women want to talk about what's going on just for the sake of talking. To know that someone is really listening to them, and is here to comfort them when times get rough. And there's nothing wrong with that. But for men, it's our instinct to come up with as many potential solutions to the problem as possible. Blame the wiring in our brains, but what it boils down to is that we don't want to see our (person of interest) loved ones suffer. So if you just want to have us listen — and not do anything about the problem, or offer our opinions on how to fix it — then tell us that up front. That way we'll know to keep our traps shut, stay arms open.

5. Similar to why we're so damn honest, a good man demonstrates his commitment to you by showing up, even doing things you did not ask for. So yes, it's more than a little irritating when you go on and on about the jerk who has mastered the art of ghosting, orbiting, or whatever new dating term kids are throwing around these days. It's a vicious cycle — the more men feel those guys get the benefits of your time and attention, the more incentive we have to become those guys. And that's a lose-lose for everyone involved. Instead, smile when we aren't late to date night, or send us a text thanking us once we prove you can call at anytime. Positive reinforcement, right?

6. We acknowledge the importance of couple time. We'd even go so far as to say that, in the best relationships, showing your beau some form of love each day deepens and extends the partnership. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't spend time apart. Going on a hiking weekend with the boys does not diminish the bond we share, nor does taking a few hours to workout solo or visit a store we know you have zero interest in. Just like women need alone time or girls night with their friends, guys need the companionship of other men or time to themselves. This kind of separation will refresh our minds, give us stories to share, and bring us back to you with more spirit. 

7. While no fair-minded guy wants women to return to the life of a 1950s sitcom, neither do we want the elimination of the feminine as a virtue. So don't be ashamed to hold on to those things that make you different from us if they make you feel good. (If they don't, then ditch 'em.) We may not always say it, but it's beautiful — and much appreciated — how much you care about seeing flowers on the table, smelling nice, or cooking a delicious meal.

8. Unleash yourself. Express your fantasies. Use your hands. Suggest toys. Show us who's BOSS and give good directions. No matter how you slice it, we love when you take control behind closed doors. Not only do your explanations heighten our intuition, but we get off knowing that you're getting off multiple times, and that's a win-win for everyone involved.

9. Want to know why men like sports? Pure, measurable success. At the end of the game, no one can dispute the number of touchdowns, home runs, or points on the scoreboard. An athlete works toward a goal and is rewarded with concrete proof of his effort.

So what is irrefutable proof of a successful emotional life? The data is less tangible. Men fear vagueness because, for some reason, it often feels like failure isn't far behind. (And in case you hadn't noticed, we hate to fail.) To temper that, we'd love it if you became our ally in emotional pursuits. Tell us when we're being supportive, that it's OK for us to cry at the Maxwell concert <smirking>, or that you really appreciate us opening up to you about a sensitive subject. It's basically like giving us a pat on the back, but it's the encouragement we need to keep stepping in a more emotional, well-rounded direction.

10. How important is picking up our socks and putting away our shoes, if the yard is mowed each week? Does it matter that an item was forgotten at the store when we checked off the rest of the list? If the kid went to his friend's house with a stained shirt, yet still finished his science project, is there a point to mentioning it? (I digress) Sometimes we forget things, and maybe it even happens more than you like, but we're human. And more than likely, we really are doing our best. So before you berate us, think about whether it's worth the argument, and try to give credit where it's due.

So who has heard of Tender Masculinity

Dude you are so  very different, compared to my last boyfriend. 

Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a REAL Man.Our favorite books and movie characters exemplify tenderness as the antidote to machismo.

This is not all that new, it’s been around for  decades we were called "gentlemen." But a new term has emerged “Tender Masculinity” it just sound not so old school. Women have gone through so many different types of experiences with men… that things have come full circle. 

In an era where toxic masculinity is utterly overwhelming, and outdated, women are  desperate for a healthier and more nuanced role.

While women have mental imagery of Macho Men (buff, distant) and Nice Guys (nerdy, brooding), the characters that embody Tender Masculinity are multi-layered and come from all backgrounds, and cultures depending on how you see it.

Here is a checklist, ladies, on how to spot a Tender Masculin Man:

• Is he invested in all of his relationships, not just romantic ones?
• Does he express his emotions in a healthy way?
• Is self-awareness a concept he’s comfortable with?
• Does he commit to personal growth?
• Are boundaries something he is aware of and respects?

• Is he unafraid of male intimacy — for instance, can he express affection for male friends without making a gay joke?

The best thing about Tender Masculinity is that it’s not only a necessary antidote to our media portrayals of men — it’s also already here. There aren’t a lot of Tender Man characters yet, and women would love to see more, but a few books and movies are promoting this lower-swagger, higher-emotion ideal. These are the fully-realized male characters we need to celebrate and see more of.

I've never heard   of "Tender Masculinity"

Final thought

OK in my 4 generations from Grandfather, father and myself sons I can honestly say… It has been Tender Masculinity past down from generation to generation. Now my sons are  a bit different gentlemen to me, as I was different to how my father was to some degree, I would have to switch a little and state that I didn’t know my father’s father, but I did know my mother’s father. Who I was very much a big fan of, all of his daughters had standards that they looked for in men, my take away from this is  that they all knew how a “Tender Masculine” man behaved and treated women. Let’s say I don’t think this was an accident.  

Try a little tenderness

so please explain  to me why you needed to go there?

OK I might be off the rail with this one!  I don’t think I am...... but then again it’s my opinions that count when I debate an issue on my blog.

The other day I was talking to a security guard as two young women drove up to go into a supermarket. They got out of the car. We (dogs) both looked at these women and had different thoughts instantly. The security guard said. “Why are so many women becoming lesbians?” My reaction was instant, ‘What made you think they are lesbians?’  Maybe because they held hands as they walked into the store?’ and I had to admit that I didn’t see them holding hands in car! So I didn’t assume they were in a romantic relationship. But the guard pointed out that he has worked as a guard for a few years , he is paid to observe things that be different, and had seen these women before and he was sure they were lesbians.  Again my comeback was instant: ‘Women sometimes need a little tenderness without having to worry about being treated as sex objects’ Things that her life has taught her that she can’t get from a dude who has sex on his mind 24/7. Se wants compassion, she want understanding, she want’s tenderness and if a vibrator can get her off being used by some who know how to use it on her even better!

He Shook his head. So I said how do you know what’s going on between them? You are assuming that they are doing the things that you are imagining they are doing without having the facts or the reasons why they might be doing them. 

He once again looked at me like I had lost my mine. So I tried to explain what a female friend who happens to be a lesbian once told me, Women who were in relationships for years with men, and had their hearts broken even left with children to raise by themselves. Sometime need to turn to other women for tenderness and compassion. They may not start out think about becoming gay/lesbians. They may still want a good man, but the man they want does seem to be available or tender enough to fulfill their needs. So they turn to a woman who understands and can do things to them and for them. Without  having to worry about becoming pregnant or getting an STD. I was getting to deep for the brother. He said: " they are going against the laws of nature maybe, I have seen them Plenty of times and they don’t look like they ever want to be with a man again” I could resist: 'They are out of your league dude. that all they don't a burly dude like you.  

So leave them alone, if they are happy then it’s none of your concern!'

Needless to say I see things a bit differently, because  I don’t build my hopes up by desiring a woman that is in a relationship with someone else, Man  or woman. We guys want her because be can’t have her, we get mean and act like we are the ones being betrayed when women may temporarily  find happiness with someone else male or female. We may have lost ownership of what we may not even have owned. <smirking> It’s not yours it’s hers she will let you use it even rent it. If you invest  in her she might just partner with you for some length of time but be aware of the expiration date. Forever-after is a myth.

Final thought

Media representations of masculinity tend to play in two notes: On the left we have Nice Guys and on the right we have Macho Men. Both play into ideas of toxic masculinity in their own ways. Macho Men are emotionally distant, but it’s okay because they’re buff and men don’t have feelings anyway. Whether it’s an action hero like Die Hard’s John McClane, or a tortured bad boy like The Breakfast Club’s Bender or Wuthering Heights’ Heathcliff, we are conditioned to see their anger issues as passion and their repressed emotions as something romantic for women to “fix.” Nice Guys are seen as an antidote, but more often than not, their niceness is performative and in direct relation to their feelings towards a crush. Think of Laurie in Little Women, who grows as a character through the help of Jo, but once she turns him down weaponizes all that character growth as leverage to get in her pants.                               

Try a little tendernes