AMAZING can become what is expected.

Tell me again why I’m Amazing in your eyes!

Time can alter  your memory. Folks can’t help what they start expecting based on their experiences. Mature  folks, often say these words “ I remember when!” this can be a conversation starter to  traveling down memory lane. OK I’m one of those guys who was lucky to have been in relationships with some “Amazing  women”. So now I’m still expect a woman to be “Amazing” not just “Eye-candy.” 

So let’s define Amazing  by my categories.

1. Beautiful  in looks and having a beautiful heart.

2. Kind and giving.

3. Unselfish, when it comes to sharing. 

4. Willing to go the extra mile with you. 

5. Strong in the areas of values

6. Forgiving

One or more of these categories can make an “Amazing woman” be the new expected partner potential....

“I’m so glad your six pack is still visible!” Love is  often rekindled when tested. 

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Men seldom classify “women forever after,” because we are visual creators. We expect her not to change…. We want her to remain Amazing in looks, and in other categories. And if she can be that, she will be a good fit for a very long while. 

Women have become so much like men…. that it has become  scary. If  women see a slowly aging man, they call him a “silverfox” when his hair start to grow grey. If he stays in reasonable good shape, with no over size belly etc. He is a catch worth keeping, maybe !

But some women are so much more realistic than men. Men feel if we can still attract a younger woman we will put in the work to  have a “Trophy queen” for years into the future (but, dude will she see you as her King?). Older Women who can still attract a man who can still appeal to his senses, will find themselves not having to compete as much  with other women in their age group. Women who do not appreciate the men they have, will lose them to women who will still appreciate them.  

No  smart man will let go of an Amazing woman unless he has to do it, but women often let go of a good a man, who is no longer “Amazing” in her eyes.

   In my view You are so very “Amazing” and I see you as “the one in a Million”, as my life partner! (think about which one of these two individuals would say this)

 

Final thought

To feel better about your partner, write down what you feel about what is good about them. (Try to let go about the not so great things) Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind. Simply refrain from trying to review what happened in your mind in your imagination, just imagine you are saying what you feel, think, and want-- without editing yourself in any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner feelings, you will suddenly become free from the negative grip.

We need to talk

I have some things on my mind we need to discuss

‘Oooh oooh,fellahs,’ Men need  to be able to identify the difference between “very important” talks and “ Urgent” talks.

A woman’s mind is very complicated to say  the least. The “Urgent!” flashing lights above her head could change in and instant to “very important” and back again.

The channels of images  that flows into her mind are like being connect to the internet and cable TV at the same time. The switches in her head allows her to browse  the icons and click on the one from the latest news on the Internet or last episode of her favorite topic “reality show”  on Cable TV.   A Picture In  Picture (PIP) which also allow her to view the two subjects and episode at the same time. The volumes are  not always muted, so the sound can even  make her even more talkative. So we  guys,  need to be able to read the signals ahead of time, be prepare for what is coming  at us at the same time in the two PIP windows (her labels of  very important or Urgent  can change on a dime.) 

We men often know when we have made mistakes. If a man made a mistake and feels embarrased, sorry or even ashamed, then he needs his woman’s love even more.. The bigger the mistake, the more points  he gives her,  if she forgives him, quickly. However some men can become defensive, and deflective. Which is his way of trying to prevent  his woman from   feeling resentful towards  him.

 

What makes men defensive, and deflective?  

A man may become very angry at his woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistakes. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn’t say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way, instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and gives her penalty points. I read the following which made me think.

It might help to greatly when women understand that men score points differently. Men give penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn’t make it safe for women to share their feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if all men could see how unfair penalty points are and it changes overnight--- change can take time, but it can change in a second. What can be reassuring for a woman however, is to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back. A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a ZERO. At such times a man can just be understanding that she is sick with the resentment and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again. Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her man when he seems distant  and hurt.

   

So what makes men defensive? When a man is in a negative state of mind, a woman needs to treat him like a passing tornado and his anger lowers after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him the one who is permanently wrong, never forgiving him for his wrongs or for not trying to change him. If she tries to Stop the tornado it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering. This is a new insight for many women because in their minds when someone is upset the Venetians never even ignore her or even consider lying low during the tornadoes.  In her mind Tornadoes do not exist.  When other women are upset everyone (women) gets involved with one another and tries to understand what is  bothering her by asking a lot of questions, trying to understand what is bothering her. Where as a man waits for the tornado to pass everyone finds a ditch and lies low, until the stormy sky clears up.   

 

“Will he still treat me as a queen after he  has made  mistakes, and I confronted him ?”

Final thoughts:

When we men hear the words “We need to talk” it causes us to go into replay mode. Replaying the things that he might have done wrong knowing he might get caught at some wrong doing. These images in his head causes the tornado of mess-up activities to swirl around in his head. We  men don’t like that feeling of having  to explain the things we do not want to talk about.  

Are we fooling ourselves or not?

What does she see in this guy?  I know He is playing her and will mess up in due time.

 Do I even have a change with her here? 

Why is she dating This jerk of a guy with a huge ego who  told her he usually doesn’t date any woman bigger than a size six, although sometimes he’ll go out with a eight if she’s tall and can pull it off.  Then opens the hood of his vintage shiny mustang and tells her the only eight he know will perform like he wants is this V-8 engine. 

When you find out you are in a 3-way relationship. Ask yourself the question: "Is this possibly that a 4-way relationship is just waiting to happen?

What about that person who is waiting patiently for the dust to settle.

The notion that another person doesn’t have other options is just fooling oneself.

The energy of the other person might just be attracting a person you are totally unaware of. 

When a person seems stuck in a relationship they might just have options they themselves  are not aware of… People just don’t know what is happening outside of their control. A woman who thinks she is the outside side-chick may not know that she is the one someone else has been patiently waiting for her to free herself up from the relationship she’s in. Very often the evidence is not staring them in the face. While listening to women talk with other women about their past experience while on an OWN dating show “ Ready to love” I began  to understand a few things better. 

So which guy  will pick the right  woman for him  out of all of these ladies? Even the  ones standing  in the back rows can have a shy smile that can grab some dudes  attention.

Women still expect men to be lions, where they jump out of the bushes and  grab the female out of the pack and talk to her about things that could  bring them together. But when the odds are stacked against them because others are also pitching their best possibilities. It seems different if you are not in one of  these mixers, then you may have to rely on catching each other’s eye, can be tricky . Guys in the minority know they have chance to make a  connection because the number favor the men. Women, in the majority, on the other hand need  to see that they have to step up their game and not just be an option. They want to be chosen. When a man chooses one from the beginning, the other women may respect his choice and start making themselves available  to other options. But wanting to  be the first choice, and not being the first one chosen might  still bugs them… Questions like why did he make his choice so early, and over look “me”? Now I’ve got to settle for the next available dude, who may  lacks the attributes she  saw in the first choice she made.  But if a guy can’t make up his mind and “dissed” the woman he didn’t choose, she might “diss” his butt back, if he want to come back around to choosing her, after failing to make the connection, with the woman  he thought was ideal for him. 

Her relaxed state of mind of waiting for   the right energy might  come her way…. might just be what he saw but now he has an uphill battle to get over the walls she has put in place as an obstacle course for him to go through.  The process could be slow, because she is seeing herself as the option he first ignored. 

He checked for you because he felt  you were the one who would have his back!

The initial energy drew the two of them  together, however they have so little in common. 

Her choice of him having an investment  bankers style of dress made him the choice however her choice  of nail polish is not working aesthetically for him. and she  has  a need to wear fake hair and  too much makeup….. What is she covering up, her scars maybe very deep, requiring a make over daily. In sharp contrast a lady that is calm and satisfied with her status is not in a hurry to jump into another relationship. She possesses that natural look some guys might prefer.

My initial attraction to her is beginning to wear off.

 

 A woman who does not mind being single, has no one to answer to but her dog. Who will not complain if she did not feel like cooking, her dog will get his dry dog food and be happy. She can eat  cheese and cracker for supper.  Do her yoga. And when she takes a ride on her bike along the shoreline on a weekend. Her dog would be happy to tag along or stay at home and sleep. If she has to work late. Her dog never complains one bit. 

“The caged bird may be happy and feels safe, however if the bird escapes, the cage gate should be left open so that the bird can return!”

   

Hmmm, is my mystery man checking me out from a distance? 

He surely most see me holding hands with my sometimes on sometimes off  date.

Final thought

Figuring out who might be the ideal match for you need not be all that  complicated, unless you make it complicated. Reaching  for the star could be what you believe you can handle but that star might be too self promoting, thinking s/he needs a someone who matches their criteria  “as all that!”

The notion that “opposite attracts,” is just physical, but emotionally they are  not compatible, often. His ego will clash with her need for glamour. So he might look elsewhere for someone less flashy and some one he might be able to have harmony with.  Her need to shine will put him in a head space that might have them fighting as the other “still guy waiting” looks on from the shadows, patiently waiting for his turn. She may notice him looking at her with that look, of desire.

So how do we do the forever after?

We just need to look beyond each other's faults!

So that we can be  exclusive forever after?

Have you ever wondered how some couples make their relationships work long term?

Maybe they start by looking at their relationship differently to some of us who’s relationships have failed. 

When I read the book “Don’t sweat the small stuff” I understood what had gone wrong in my relationship. You see we men, either want to fix what is wrong in the relationship or lay blame on the other person. Women often resent what the man is not doing that they believe men should be doing, or they have regrets and  have Resentments that can linger for a very long time. 

People who “sweat the small stuff” often ignore the good things that they have with a person. Negative thoughts dominate their minds. They don’t let go of the negative emotions. They hold on to them as a way of self protection. A woman who had men cheat on her, sees almost every man she has ever had a relationship with as a cheater. She can’t let go of that negative emotion no matter how good the new man treats her. He might try to overcompensate for the things she can’t seem to let go of the Emotions that constantly override the current situations that seem to always flood a person's memories, triggered by some little things, from their past. 

We just need to hang together and let our energy flow together in  positive ways.

Whats App msgs, while I’m busy working is a sign that he is thinking about me some of the time.

Let’s face it; He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if you both can make each other laugh at least once in a while, causing you to think twice, and if he admits that he is human and makes mistakes, hold on to each other and give each other the most that you can. He is not thinking about you all of the time, but he will give you a part of him he knows you can break. Don’t hurt him, don’t try to change him, do not expect more than he can give. Don’t overthink or critically analyze, his every move. Smile when he makes you happy, Yell when he images you mad, and miss him when he is not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect couples do not exist, but there is always one imperfect guy who is perfect for you.

Let’s just STOP butting heads over silly stuff?

Final thoughts

Women are often their own harshest critics. They fight an internal dialogue about their worth. Women hold back in case they are wrong. Which puts men in doubting situations. Men can’t read a woman’s mind, so when so many channels are active at the same time in her mind  it becomes “mission impossible.” 

I want to earn your trust

“Why are you chasing after me?” said the woman

“I’m doing  it because I want to earn your trust and have you have faith in my sincerity.” said the man.

So how am I to believe that you are so different to the other men I have know over the years?

Name me the man you feel these words above would come from, Ladies? 

Your antenna would instantly start sending you signals “Alert, Alert, Alert”

Why is this the case, unless you have been hurt and betrayed by a member of the other gender you have no reason to feel this way. Women believe “trust is earned”. A good man thinks unless I have done something to break your trust in me. You have no reason to mistrust me.

Wouldn’t  this be a great beginning to a relationship? Many would think you are crazy or very naive to just trust someone who could hurt you because you trusted them from the very outset.

Sooner or later you will have one of two reactions. “I can’t trust you, because”  or “I‘m such  a fool for having ever trusted anyone that looks and sounds like you.”

Con men have done a great job of sabotaging relationships between the sexes. 

But one particular Instagram post would remind me that while pain may be a very real part of our experience, it is not our whole story. 

why is black relational joy so important – especially in the world we navigate today? To be Black and joyful despite and against all the odds is an act of resistance. 

Many women, these days, often have a big problem with doubt. “Doubt” which  causes acts of resistance. They doubt that Love is pure….. coming from men who they do not feel they can trust to be sincere.  So what has been happening is that women are turning to other women for Love and sincere affections. They don’t want to have relationships that will most likely fail.  Their needs aren’t often met physically, as sex toys can do the trick,for a period, hugging and kissing another women, cannot do any harm, like a man who can get the woman pregnant and then leave her to deal with raising her child all by herself.  They feel safer just living in their tribal relationships. 

   

 Final though

We have had things backward for too long. If you were a boy growing up with sisters and female cousins, like me. You were taught that you as a male should protect your females. But after reading this poster. I thought to myself what if we have been doing things contrary to nature. Women are the best protectors. Men are predators. Now I can hear women thinking why would a woman protect a predator?

Because if you don't you will loose him to someone who will protect him and crown him.

She doesn't want to share with you what she has

 

Why did I not see you for who you were  from the beginning?

Many men wonder what happened to the mindset of a women who said their vows and then a few years later demands a divorce, as her values change. 

1. First the vows are not a contract. They are just words to the ears of the other person. 

2. If a woman want out of the marriage because of financials reasons then you know she had an agenda to take what you have, and deny you the opportunity to take anything she has. 

3. Many men who have some wealth will try to protect it from the women they choose to share his life with. The woman will only get what he will allow her to get if they spit, and nothing more. 

4. A contract written before the marriage is always a good idea if you (the man) have doubts that the relationship  will last. Most often it is driven by insecurities and lack of trust that the woman is sincere. 

5. The behavior of these spouses are often selfish, self serving. The behavior of some is based on “what’s in it for me,” I want more than my share, if you let me.. get access  I will take all and leave you out in the cold. 

6. Until death do us part, does not always mean physical death of one of you  in all cases. It often means until the death of the relationship. Which can happen at any point in time.

7. If a woman loves you unconditionally she will do all that she can to make things work, if not, she will dump you like you are yesterday's garbage. 

8. She will stop caring about you, unless she can’t really make it on her own then she will declear herself the first wife and therefore act like she is entitled to all that you have. 

9. Men who don’t really understand how a woman was raised will struggle to understand her cultural influences. Example if she was raised to get all that she can get out of you, that is what will motivate her to stick around until most of her needs are satisfied. 

10. Be aware of the ones who want to know about all that you have and all that they can get. They will fight to gain access to what you have. 

Her hand is on the man’s pocket while her focus is on the camera lense!

 This is her mindset on getting what she thinks is now hers!

Final thoughts

The term gold diggers is often mis-used as they refer to women. Why? Because these women do not dig for Gold, they wait until Gold has been discovered and dug up. They want the end product. Shiny and polished Treasures, not in its raw form, all cover with dirt needing to be processed. She wants to show off her shiny discoveries.

After I got divorced, I realized how cultures played an important role in how women acted in the beginning and how they acted in the end. I got hooked by a number of types. The first one that had 3 marriages, and was the woman that went after the men that were husbands to  women who were perceived to have the golden rings and want to be the trophy women that took the men away from the wives who had what she wanted.   

You got it right, dude, I’m now the queen Bee!

Initial attractions does not always result in eternal Love.

 

I think we will be together forever. 

Consider the characteristics that are often considered desirable in a mate—a sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, understanding, a family orientation, good looks. Which would you rank as most important in a romantic partner? Which is least important to you? Research consistently shows that we rank most or all of these traits as more important than good looks (Apostolou, 2011; Apostolou, 2015; Buss et al., 2001; Perilloux et al., 2011). However, consciously ranking traits as more or less important may not reflect the way we make our real-life dating and mating decisions.  

A few months ago I sat down with my friend Louise* while she scanned online dating profiles. Louise told me that looks were not that important to her, but that a good sense of humor was a must. While Louise certainly values all of the characteristics I listed above, not once did we say, “This guy seems like he has a great sense of humor,” or, “This man has very kind features.” We only stopped to further investigate the profiles of men who seemed physically attractive. 

Physical Attractiveness Is More Important Than We Think

Physical attractiveness may serve as a gatekeeper directing us toward partners who are healthy, age appropriate, and able to reproduce (Weeden and Sabini, 2005). And when we make real-life dating and mating decisions, research indicates, physical appearance dominates: We choose to pursue relationships with those who are attractive to us (see Luo and Zhang, 2009; Kurzban and Weeden, 2005; Thao et al., 2010). 

Men (both gay and straight) seem to consciously recognize the importance of physical attractiveness more than women (both straight and lesbian; see Lippa, 2007). However, experimental research, as well as evidence from online dating and speed dating, shows that physical attractiveness is equally important to men and women. Further, attractiveness tends to be a more important factor in our dating decisions than traits like personality, education, and intelligence (Eastwick et al., 2011; Eastwick and Finkel, 2008; Luo and Zhang, 2009; Kurzban and Weeden, 2005; Sprecher, 1989; Thao et al., 2010). Physical attractiveness may be so important to us because we associate other positive qualities with a pleasing appearance. For example, attractive individuals are expected to be happier and to have more rewarding life experiences than unattractive individuals (Dion et al., 1972; Griffin and Langlois, 2006). This tendency to associate attractiveness with positive qualities occurs crossculturally (Shaffer et al., 2000; Zebrowitz et al., 2012).

Physical Attractiveness Is Less Important Than We Think

One reason we may not consciously realize the importance of physical attractiveness is that we don’t necessarily want partners who are extremely attractive—we just want partners who are attractive enough. In Dion et al.’s (1972) research, both attractive and moderately attractive individuals were viewed more positively than less attractive counterparts. Similarly, in Griffin and Langlois’ (2006) research, a lack of attractiveness was associated with negative qualities, but only a moderate level of attractiveness was necessary to make one's associations positive. To interest us, then, potential mates do not need to be exceptionally attractive, only moderately so.

The distinction between necessities and luxuries (Li et al., 2011) can help us understand the importance of a moderate level of physical attractiveness. According to Li et al., “a necessity is something that is initially extremely desirable…but as more of it is acquired, it diminishes in value. A luxury, in contrast, is not important when necessities are lacking, but becomes more desirable once basic needs have been met” (p. 292).  

The research reviewed above suggests that most of us, consciously or not, view a moderate level of physical attractiveness as a “necessity,” while a higher level of may be a “luxury.” When we say that physical attractiveness is not important to us, we are likely referring to the luxury of exceptional attractiveness and not the necessity of a minimum level of attractiveness.  

But how attractive is "moderately" attractive? We don’t need to be supermodels to find a mate, but whom we consider to be “moderately attractive” varies from person to person. More attractive people tend to perceive fewer others as physically attractive while less attractive individuals may consider a broader range of others appealing (Montoya, 2008). And looking for someone who shares a similar level of physical attractiveness to your own can enhance your long-term relationship success (Feingold, 1998