Red flags from past relationships, Truths About Women Who Put Up Emotional Walls,

 

Does she want to live in a Glass Castle?

Here are four (4) reasons why dealing with women who put up emotional walls is the worst and one that

smart men are openly, willingly and continually working on dealing with.

1. She wants to manage what happens next.

But this sense of control is a myth. Because in reality, things play out like they’re going to

and you have far less power over other people than you imagine (or you’d like).

There’s a sense of If I ___, then she will ___ that’s such a myth. You just can’t predict or control other people’s behavior.

(let that sink in for a minute)

2. She has an easy defense mechanism.

If she cuts you out of her life or deem your relationship not “real,”

you can’t hurt her. Approaching relationships like this means that she misses out on vulnerable,

wild abandon in love. It’s actually not that easy, is it? People are intricately connected and blocking

off one relationship usually affects another. And the pain factor is high on all counts.

3. When women put up walls today, she's acting as the person she once were.

And the reality is, that person doesn’t exist anymore. So your old mechanisms are protecting someone

who doesn’t exist and the today you doesn’t need someone else’s armor.

(And this new person in your life isn’t the one who hurt you. What worked then won’t serve you now.)

4. Emotional walls come from a legitimate place.

The reaction to avoiding hurt — physical, emotional, or mental — can be to shut down and to shut others out.

This can be exhausting, entrenched habit and reaction and one that takes hard, uncomfortable work

to undo and then even more hard, uncomfortable work to learn new ways.

And this hard, uncomfortable work, can only be done by her.

Trusting everyone, is not really the opposite to trusting Nobody!

 A woman with trust issues is a woman who has heard the promises ‘I will never hurt you’ too many times with actions that showed otherwise. It feels like having trust issues is like one of the biggest roadblocks you can face in your life. Not only are we always skeptical about trusting people but we start to become negative in our head too.

We live in a world where we are continuously surrounded by media in some form or the other. This is what gives us the unrealistic expectation of love and relationships. Our expectation of love doesn’t come from our parents or family, it is based on the fiction we see in movies, television, and books. This is what makes our perception of love unreal and naïve. However, this naivety lasts only until your first major heartbreak. It is only after that the reality of the situation starts to hit that you tend to realize reality is far from what media portrays. It is important to have standards so as to not end up settling but we also need to be mindful and realistic on what we expect from love and relationships.

I was that person once. Young, naïve, and living in my own fantasy of what love means. Then something fantastic happened, I fell in love or at least I thought I did. It felt amazing and magical somehow at the beginning like I own the world and nothing can go wrong. It was at that exact time when reality hit and things went down south. I didn’t understand what had happened, I mean there’s always a happily ever after in TV right? Well, that is not the case. I was hurt, confused and jaded in a certain sense. I told myself that if this is what love feels like, I never want to fall in love ever again.

Then, the inevitable happened; she falls for someone again. She was scared of course. She didn’t want to get hurt again. She  is guarded but she eventually gave in and it was at that very moment that she saw her trust being broken.

Trust is like paper, once it’s crumpled, it can never be perfect and smooth again.

A woman with "trust" issues is like an onion, you need to peel it one layer at a time; you can’t just cut through with a knife and expect to be in. Rather than being excited at a prospect of a date or meeting someone new, women tensions are high. It’s not fair to anyone but they are a product of their past experiences and women will continue being this way until someone shows them a reason to feel otherwise. We need to understand that women weren’t born with trust issues. We may not think their past was a big deal but the baggage women are carrying is what is putting them down. They don’t think they  need men to fix things; they just need us to be supportive while they are trying to fight themselves. Their hearts have been played with, they have been cheated on, and they know how shitty it feels. So rest assured, if we are in it with you, we will give you all we have.

That being said, there are a few things you can do to get someone with trust issues to actually trust you.

1. First and foremost, make sure your intentions are genuine. If not, please don’t waste their time and yours. Over a period of time we have become very intuitive on who we should and should not trust.
2. Fellahs. Learn to be patient. Women will take their sweet time until they are sure about you. You will need to make the first move because they are going to be cautious for a while.
3. If you actually care, take the first step. Don’t sit around and expect us to do it.
4. Listen when they talk. I know most guys aren’t good listener but at least try. They will surely acknowledge the efforts.
5. Please be honest with her. Understand that women were lied to a lot and it will always hurt. You really don’t want to be the person to add to their pain.
6. Actions do speak louder than words so complement your words with actions.
7. Don’t break their trust again. It has been a hard enough for us just to get ourselves to trust you again so don’t be that person who makes us doubt our judgment again.

I truly believe that women only need that one guy to make them realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else. They want  that guy. It’s harder than you can imagine for a person with trust issues to start trusting again, so when she says ‘I trust you’,  confirm it by acting correctly, don’t make her regret it.

figuring it out

 A woman with walls, has been burned, betrayed, forsaken. The hardest job is to figure out , which wall is the highest, and most sturdy and hardest to penetrate, or totally impenetrable.... read her eyes, to figure her out!

You eyes speak volumes!

Women who have roots often have walls.

Every step forward starts with a foot firmly planted in the past.  

These days loving someone who has walls up should  not be a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away.

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck,  you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing.

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn.

Can I trust you to keep me a float?

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far.

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist.

Final thought

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it. 

You are all I need to get by.

Are you really Hot for her or will you cool off after some time

Women may think, based on experience, that men don't stay Hot for them for ever after. 

It started off Hot but the stone has cooled off a bit

What does a girl really mean when she tells you she needs you?

She convinces you that you’re very important to her and that she needs you. She makes herself appear weak and helpless without your advice and emotional support. She tells you she needs you, and that she’s very close to you, and she doesn’t know what she’d do without you in her life.  She blows hot and cold.

Well  some women who think this way may have a good reasons!

Here are some things that you ladies might be thinking about:

• His Behavior is “Hot and Cold”. Hot and cold means he acts like he’s still in love with you one day and then acts as if you don’t exist the next.
• He Tries To Make You Jealous. Is he putting up pictures of himself with hot girls on Facebook and Instagram?
• He Reaches Out Even Though You Asked Him Not to. The “No Contact Rule” is a post-breakup must for one reason: it works.
• He Calls You When He’s Drunk & Makes Emotional Confessions to You.
• He Shows Strong Emotions When It Comes To You. The opposite of love isn’t always hate.

Final Thoughts

When past experiences play as a constant movie on replay in your mind, you find yourselves drawing comparisons. They impact your thoughts consistently, this can be a good and bad thing. Good if these thought can prevent you from making serious mistakes. And bad if they stop you from moving forward with someone who could make you happy. Not all situations will be the same with a new person, as they were with some you were once with. 

example: a lady once told me she liked me because I was mot that dark, but didn't trust me because I was not that dark skinned.  SMDH.  I left her alone after that because I felt she was stuck in a rut. comparing me to someone else or multiple other individuals.  

Sometimes when the past grabs a hold of you it does not let go.

Are we moving in the right direction

 

I was told  we can stare into each others eyes,on occasion,

  but it is very  important, even more so,

 if we stare in the same direction at the same future.

Young couples these days want to get together for many glamorous reasons.  

This ring is about  the size I had hoped for.

So where is he? What is taking My prince so-o-o--o long … to come my way?

Many women are dealing with the 10 to 1 ratio and are wondering if there is a man out there that is just right for them…??

Getting annoyed, frustrated, and at times feeling hopeless…. It’s not an easy path to walk, however I’m a firm believer that when done right, the universe is without a doubt going to provide the benefit of you having a mate… maybe not a perfect   “Soul mate” that you are seeking….. but “yes” a mate… just a mate!

Well to be honest, the responses to your questions is often “yes” and “no”….It’s “no” in the sense that you are not locked to get a specific man, no matter what you do, The idea that there is a “soul mate” who you are guaranteed to be with is simple not true… You have decisions in life you have to make, and plenty of people make choices that block theme from being with the person who is truly perfect for them.

Notice I said “person who is truly perfect for them”. This is where I believe the term “soul mate” can be applied, and this is where the “yes” comes in to play when you ask the question “Is there really a man just for you?” If you have purpose in the choices you make, then the flow of good thoughts and the flow of positive energy will bring what you seek to you. You may not be able to just sit back and “wait for your Boaz” which is basically a reference or symbolic saying waiting for the man God (the universe) has for you. Because when you move forward with patience, you might just stumble across that on person who might be a good match for you. Note I said “GOOD” not perfect…..

You are not the prince I first pictured!

Some key things to think about: 

• Will you be attracted to him?

• Will he Love & Cherish you?

• Will you have to make him into a Man, or will he come custom made tailored right?

• Is he looking for a Helpmate, and not a playmate, which one are you currently?

• Will you experience a genuine Connection with him?

• Will he Love you unconditionally, and will you love him unconditionally?

• Will he want all of your love, not just a piece of it?

 

Start by questioning your past relationships and figure out where you might have gone wrong…the following example might trigger a few thoughts.

Example: You loved the man you spent your best years with…. I understand you feel you loved this man, but was the feeling mutual…? 

Another example: You were told that you should be more willing to build with a man, recognize his potential and work with him from there.

Another example: A lot f men just want sex, and sometimes women may be OK with that arrangement. So figure out if there is real chemistry … it can still evolve into a real relationship. So why can’t you just enjoy friends with benefits, and go with the flow?

Extreme example: People tell you that you are too picky… You might want to be more flexible on some of

your desires, and be more open to dating a guy that may not be really all that good looking. You are in your childbearing years so you want your future husband to be someone that looks really good to you, and therefore your kids will have 50/50 chance of being good looking also. 

Final example: You are very social so you have met a lot of guys that you find interesting, but you are not really sure if you have ever experienced a real connection.

 

 

 

 

Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late

You mean my window of opportunity has closed?

When you wait too long, opportunities can be missed, especially when it comes to men and  women relationships. 

Let me talk to the Martians here first on this one.  

Since women are not from Mars even women who are lesbians are all still from Venus. They don’t think like men do.  

When a comedian writes a book “Act like a lady, think like a man” you need to start laughing because the joke is not realistic. 

Allow me to explain:

When a man thinks ‘hmmm I think she likes me, I will just wait for her to come around.’  He will be waiting way too long. Why? 

For a few reasons. 

- women don’t want to be seen as “thirsty”. 

- Women can be aggressive however they want to be wanted, needed, they want to be persuaded, etc. 

- They don’t want to be the one to chase a man. 

- She wants “the mountain” to come to her.

These are facts… not to be debated just because you don’t want to believe them.

I was told that… "All good boys go to heaven, but BAD boys bring heaven to you?"   

As a man who has many different experiences with women, I'm not boasting. I grew up with many women in my own family, was married for 25 years, dated before I got married and after divorce. So even the  women in Chicago,Atlanta, Miami, Caribbean Islands  and N.Y had these same things in common. My now ex-wife and ex girlfriends were from different countries, Islands, Cultures and they all acted the same way when I became interested in them.

My actions had to be thought through carefully. So I learned a few things, over the years  even now I’m still learning.  

She might be a bit shy, 

so don’t approach her like you are  a predator. 

I’m on vacation and want to have some fun.

Let’s find a guys that rolls my way 

and makes my days and maybe even my night, 

an experience I will never forget. 

Every woman is unique, even twins are, so men need to explore what is special about her . do not assume you will find the things in one and also in the other. She will surprise you.

I once overheard a buddy of mine say “all women are the same…” My response to him was….. ‘so you have never had experiences with more than one woman, then!’

Needles to say he just disagreed with me as if he thought that I was judging him as an inexperienced guy. 

If you have not  taken the time to try to understand women you might think to yourself “why bother just treat them all them the  same way.” Guys who do this…. Find Out that treating women the same, is like driving different means of transportation the same way. You will crash a few times until you realize a sport vehicle handles differently to a sedan, and a SUV does not handle like 18 wheeler.  

OK, women are not vehicles but I think guys will understand what I’m saying here.

AMAZING can become what is expected.

Tell me again why I’m Amazing in your eyes!

Time can alter  your memory. Folks can’t help what they start expecting based on their experiences. Mature  folks, often say these words “ I remember when!” this can be a conversation starter to  traveling down memory lane. OK I’m one of those guys who was lucky to have been in relationships with some “Amazing  women”. So now I’m still expect a woman to be “Amazing” not just “Eye-candy.” 

So let’s define Amazing  by my categories.

1. Beautiful  in looks and having a beautiful heart.

2. Kind and giving.

3. Unselfish, when it comes to sharing. 

4. Willing to go the extra mile with you. 

5. Strong in the areas of values

6. Forgiving

One or more of these categories can make an “Amazing woman” be the new expected partner potential....

“I’m so glad your six pack is still visible!” Love is  often rekindled when tested. 

.

Men seldom classify “women forever after,” because we are visual creators. We expect her not to change…. We want her to remain Amazing in looks, and in other categories. And if she can be that, she will be a good fit for a very long while. 

Women have become so much like men…. that it has become  scary. If  women see a slowly aging man, they call him a “silverfox” when his hair start to grow grey. If he stays in reasonable good shape, with no over size belly etc. He is a catch worth keeping, maybe !

But some women are so much more realistic than men. Men feel if we can still attract a younger woman we will put in the work to  have a “Trophy queen” for years into the future (but, dude will she see you as her King?). Older Women who can still attract a man who can still appeal to his senses, will find themselves not having to compete as much  with other women in their age group. Women who do not appreciate the men they have, will lose them to women who will still appreciate them.  

No  smart man will let go of an Amazing woman unless he has to do it, but women often let go of a good a man, who is no longer “Amazing” in her eyes.

   In my view You are so very “Amazing” and I see you as “the one in a Million”, as my life partner! (think about which one of these two individuals would say this)

 

Final thought

To feel better about your partner, write down what you feel about what is good about them. (Try to let go about the not so great things) Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind. Simply refrain from trying to review what happened in your mind in your imagination, just imagine you are saying what you feel, think, and want-- without editing yourself in any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner feelings, you will suddenly become free from the negative grip.