You Are Just Not Ready to Get Married

It happens,Often, that two people marry just for the sake of marrying or are pressured by family members, or because they have been dating each other for a long time. Believe it or not, such marriages end up in a divorce or a broken relationship. If you are going to hitch soon, but inside, there is chaos, then find the reason out before tying the knot. People who believe that things will be beautiful once you are married are mistaken.

If I hold you tight enough you will get over your fears, trust me.

As long as your nervousness is normal and natural, there is no problem because couples feel a tad bit of nervousness before there weddings. But if it’s more than usual, then you really need to introspect. Find out whether you are ready to get married or not. Trust, there is no point in tying a knot when you are not ready to get married. Here in this post, we are sharing with you 16 signs you are not ready to get married.

Where do we go……. from here.

1. If you still wander in the past

If you have a broken relationship and still you miss that person, then marriage isn’t for you. Missing someone else simply means that there is no scope for another person in your life. Even if you marry with the hope that things will be fine tomorrow, what is the guarantee? In fact, there are chances that things will get worst after the wedding. So, it is better to clear the clutter out before you say, “I DO.” Always know that marriage is a union of two people. This means both you and your spouse will be responsible for the happy married life. If you will live in the past, how will the other person manage things with you? THINK!

Wandering in the past is a clear sign that you are not ready to get married. So, it’s better to be clear with yourself and with the other person as well. It is good for both of you!

2. If you don’t trust each other

Believe it or not, Trust is the most critical component of a happy married life. If there is no trust in your marriage, you can never be happy. Trust is essential to a relationship. However, some people find it difficult to trust anyone, let alone a future spouse. If Trust is your challenge, then trust marriage is not for you. No relationship can survive without Trust.

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” – Stephen Covey

3. If you like your partner, but you’re not in love with him or her.

If you are planning to marry someone because you think he/she will be a good mate and a good parent, but you don’t love the person, then you seriously need to consider whether you are ready to be married. Marrying someone even when you don’t love the person won’t help you in the long run. How does it matter whether the person will be a good partner or not, because you also ought to be a good partner? When you know that you don’t love the person, will you be a good partner? Love is needed to build a strong relationship. You can’t have someone in your life for a long time if you don’t love the person. In love, you need to reciprocate, and when you don’t, another person will feel dejected. It’s better to reconsider your decision to get married.

4. If you haven’t been dating for long enough

You can’t have a successful marriage if you haven’t had enough time together. Studies show that divorce rates are measurably higher in the case of people who date and get married in less than two years than those dating and marrying by  being together in more time. However, dating too long before getting married also has negative consequences. For instance, people who date for five years or more before getting married also end up getting divorced. This means spending too short or too long time before marriage results in divorce. If you two have not been dating for long, it’s better to give time to your relationship than get married. Once you have spent enough time (like three years or so), you can choose to marry, but before that, it’s not wise!

5. If you keep secrets from each other.

This is one of the most significant signs that you are not ready to get married. If you are keeping secrets from your partner, then better chuck the idea of marriage. This includes the way you spend time, the person with whom you spend your time, or information about your finances, etc. Keeping secrets from your partner will lead to a tumultuous marriage. Of course, no secret can be kept hidden for long. If your partner comes to know that you are hiding things from him/her, he/she will have trust issues with you. And once trust issues start, your life automatically becomes hell. So, if you tend to keep secret from your partner, its better don’t marry.

6. If you are not ready for compromise

Believe it or not, marriage is full of compromises. Nobody can ever have a successful relationship (romantic or platonic) unless he/she is willing to compromise. Nobody can ever predict the future in advance. Anything can happen. For instance, you are set to marry a filthy rich person, but after a few years of marriage, if he loses all his money, how will you react. People either become selfish and focus on themselves only, or they become selfless and focus on loved ones. The ones who are ready to compromise can have a successful life and relationship. Selfish people can never build a healthy relationship.

We know we will have serious differences because of our age difference. 

7. If you are marrying because all your friends have got married

This is another huge problem. Some people only marry because their friends have got married. If this is your case also, then better, do not marry. Marriage is not a child thing; because he/she has got that dress, I also want the same. No! It needs a lot of compromises, which you may not be able to do. It is better to have a clear perspective first before you finally say YES for marriage. If you don’t know why do you want to marry, then better try to find it out before actually marrying someone!

8. If there are differences

If your morals and beliefs also don’t line up, then again, you are not ready to get married. Having fundamental differences in your beliefs, morals, and ideas will also cause continued issues in your relationship. So, if you feel that your disputes can be resolved, then resolve them before the wedding. But if there is no way to fix them, then better leave the idea of marriage with that particular person.

9. If you’re battling any mental health issue

If you are battling with some mental health issues, like an antisocial personality disorder, or high-functioning sociopath, etc., then also you should consider your decision to get married. These issues may take a toll on you after some time, and they may adversely affect your relationship. Whether you believe it or not, a healthy mind is a prerequisite to a happy married life and a healthy relationship.

10. If you can’t handle conflicts

If you cannot work through disputes such that two of you feel heard, understood, and resolved, you need to reconsider your decision to get married. Especially if you tend to argue on the same topics. If the issues are resurfacing over and over without resolution, better to take outside help. Taking outside help will help you understand how to work through conflict and determine whether you can work. Knowing to deal through disputes is one of the most crucial parts of a healthy relationship. Not knowing it will cause a continuous problem in your relationship.

11. If you are pressured

If you are getting married due to some pressure from your family or the future spouse, don’t marry. Marriage is an institution that two people should enter by their free will. Marrying somebody out of pressure is no use, as you will never be able to love or respect the person. Sometimes people threaten their partner to marry; some people say they will commit suicide if the person does not marry, so on and so forth. If this is happening with you as well, then clearly say NO. People who threaten others to get things done simply another person’s life hell. Understand that your partner is not asking you to marry him/her because he/she loves you. He/she is saying because his/her ego will be hurt if you won’t. If you’re also pressurized to get married, then better to reevaluate the basis of your relationship.

12. If you’re not sexually attracted to the person

No matter how handsome the other person is, or how good he can be as a mate, or as a father, if you are not sexually attracted to him, you aren’t likely to take a leap yet. Sexual intimacy is an integral part of a marital relationship if it is not there; your relationship is highly likely to go south. Even if you two are dating each other for a long time, and you know that you are not sexually attracted to another person, call it off! It may sound rude now, but later you will say thanks!

I know you have never had someone  love you as much as I love you

13. If you’re getting married out of guilt, or fear

People who marry out of guilt or fear also end up having broken relationships. Marrying someone out of guilt or because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or because you previously promised to do so is not wise. Remember that a marriage can only be successful if two people are happy while entering into it. If any of the people are marrying out of fear or guilt cannot contribute to a healthy relationship. Even if your family wants you to marry someone, but don’t feel connected, don’t marry. It is about your life, and you have the right to choose well for yourself! Such marriages often lead to divorce.

14. If you are not connected to the other person

The connection is vital in a marriage. If you don’t feel connected to a particular person, then there is no point in taking a leap. And if you think that you can build a connection after marriage, then you are mistaken. You cannot create a connection forcefully; it is a natural thing. If it is there, it is there, if it is not there, it will never be there, simple and plain!

15. If you tend to compare

If you tend to compare your future spouse with your friend’s partner or anybody else, then better call it off. Comparisons are the easiest way to destroy anything. Nobody likes it if he/she is compared to somebody else. Each person has his/her identity. If you compare a person with somebody else, you are actually humiliating an individual’s personality. People who tend to find flaws in everything mostly compare. If you or your partner is habitual of comparing, then it is better not to get married.

16. If you are still looking for better

Sometimes we are not satisfied with what we get. And often, it happens in case of marriages. People’s minds wander to get the best. If you are fearful of getting married because you feel that someone better could be around the corner, then you shouldn’t be getting married. Of course, when you are confident about your partner, what is the point of getting married to the person? You won’t ever be able to build a healthy relationship because your heart will always go for what you have missed. And once you are married to a person, altering your decision won’t be easy. So, it is better not to get married. 

Final thoughts

A few red flags that should make you think

• -You're More Concerned With the Wedding than the Marriage. ...
• -The Trust Isn't There Yet. ...
• -You Can't See Yourself Parenting Their Child. ...
• -You Haven't Been Dating for Long Enough...
• -Your Vitals Aren't Strong. ...
• -You're Not Ready for Compromise. ...
• -You're Being Pressured. ...
• -You Don't Speak Their Love Language.

which gender falls madly in love, most often.

It maybe "a Man's World but without a woman to fall Madly in Love with it is nothing.

 Given todays Mental health issues with   falling MADLY in Love. Is it really a good thing?

We all have been through that feeling when we get with that someone we believe is special and our stomach is filled with  a thousand butterflies, or we literally skip a heart beats when we see them.

And no matter how lame their jokes are, about you being smittened, we react favorably . However, there are many times, when we just don't want to accept that we are falling madly, deeply and truly in love with this person. So if you are still confused and looking for signs which will make you realise this wonderful feeling, then I list down some pointers for you which will help you to understand your feelings much better.

The Phone has become your new companion: How often do you eagerly wait for someone to respond to your messages, Emails or call you back if they have missed your call? If there is someone in your life, whose call, message or simply a text lightens up your day and thus making your phone your constant companion in every situation, then this is a clear sign that you are falling for this someone special.

Here are some signs that you are madly in love, or delussional.

-You take a little extra time to dressup just for them: While there's nothing wrong in taking a little extra time to dress up and look your best, you are always extra careful of looking perfect and smelling divine whenever you are about to meet them. While normally you may not give that much attention to your dressing up, when you are about to meet them.

- You Take special interest: You mentally and physically start taking notes of their smallest likes, dislikes and interest. Though this may sound a little weird, but it doesn't sound that weird when you are in love. You make sure that you know about their interests as that you will help you to add up those extra brownie points in your favour.

-You look for signs: No matter whether you believe in the term signs - when you are in love looking for small signs and gestures become inevitable. You are constantly looking for signs and actions from them that may say that they too have, interest or have fallen in love with you.

- You Re-reading old text messages: Though, this may sound like the stupidest thing to do in the face of earth, to read and re-read old messages, it doesn't seem that stupid when you re-reading a cute message that was sent to you by that special someone. You end up reading these messages in their absence so as you don't miss them that much.

- Seeing or hearing Their name cheers you up: The mere mention of their name cheers you up! No matter how  busy you are even if you hear their name in someone else's conversation it instantly lights up your face and may skips a heart beat.

-Women! Who can figure them out. While some are big on hefty paychecks and flat abs, some are looking for more than what meets the eye. Here is the extra something they are terribly, terribly attracted to.

Gray hair: In today's time and age, there are many men who like to colour their hair black. But why should they when natural graying is so attractive to some women. Guys, please make a note, grey hair makes you look charming, suave and experienced. If you need further proof that it is the new prefered black, a survey by Match.com found that a whopping 72 per cent of women think gray hair is hot!

-Sweat: Sweat can be oh-so sexy! . I saw  a younger woman get goose bumps, in the gymn just looking at me while sweating  profusely.

Blame it on androstadienone as researchers at the University of California at Berkeley have found that this chemical in male sweat causes women's hormone levels and sexual arousal to hit the ceiling. But please don't throw away all your antiperspirants, discretion is recommended! 

 things she might be attracted to

-Scars/tattoos: If you have scar anywhere on your body,or you use a tattoo to draw attend to it, am certain, at least one woman has asked you for the story behind it. The reason being - women love mystery... and the more dangerous it is, the better  they liken it to manliness, which is always sexy tp them. However, refrain from telling her about the silly little scar on your forehead as she won't be impressed by your drunken- fall-in-the-garden tales.

-House plants: A man who takes care of plants and is conscious of his environment is an instant hit with women. It takes a patient, affectionate man to grow healthy plants and that he has a nurturing spirit. Experts say that if you can take care of your garden for only 30 minutes a week, it can improve your health and performance in bed. 

-Eyeglasses: Times sure are changing - as now it's time for the bespectacled fella' to take centre stage in a woman's life. Women are more attracted to men who wear glasses than those who don't as they appear intelligent. And, if a man is intelligent, it means he'll more likely to make a witty conversation and appear mature. 

Final Thought:

Love can be a euphoric feeling, also. It can trigger immense devastation when the other person does not return the sentiment. Many people have felt the pain of a broken heart and the intensity of infatuation. Obsessive love takes these emotions further, causing a person to fixate on their loved one as though they are an object or possession.

Forming a definition of “madly” in love has eluded philosophers for centuries. Likewise, there is no single list of criteria that can distinguish obsessive love from real love.

Love is a potent force. People with feelings of love experience a rush of dopamine and other powerful brain chemicals.

For some people, these feelings are so powerful that they become obsessed with keeping and controlling the person they love. They may appear to worship their partner at times, but become angry or jealous at the slightest threat.

One hallmark of obsessive love is its focus on the partner as an object for “consumption” or ownership, as opposed to an equal. Rather than loving the person and wanting the best for them, people with obsessive tendencies may love the other person because of their own needs.

This, in turn, may mean that they show little interest in the other’s well-being.

The following are some other distinguishing features of obsessive love:

Real love requires compromise and negotiation, while obsessive Mad love demands that the object of affection submits to the demands of their partner.

Real love prioritizes the other person’s well-being, while obsessive love may involve physical violence or emotional abuse.

Real love involves accepting the other person and acknowledging their flaws. Obsessive mad love may involve worship and a refusal to acknowledge any flaws.

In some cases of obsessive love, there may be “splitting.” This occurs when the person sees the object of their love as perfect one moment and evil the next.

Obsessive love makes it very difficult for a person to let go. Although breakups are usually painful and can trigger unhealthful behavior, people with feelings of obsessive love may refuse to accept that the relationship has ended.

Obsessive love sometimes involves a relationship that does not actually exist, such as with a celebrity or a stranger.

If thoughts like "You are my everything" are floating through your mind you might be in more trouble than you first thought..

 

Identifying the roles of both sexes isn't easy these days.

I was into same sex relationships, but then I met you.

When filling out a document such as a job application or school registration form you are often asked to provide your name, address, phone number, birth date, and sex or gender. But have you ever been asked to provide your sex and your gender? Like most people, you may not have realized that sex and gender are not the same any more, maybe they never were.  However, sociologists and most other social scientists view them as conceptually distinct. Sex refers to physical or physiological differences between males and females, including both primary sex characteristics (the reproductive system) and secondary characteristics such as height and muscularity. Gender is a person’s deeply held internal perception of his or her gender.

A person’s sex, as determined by his or her biology, does not always correspond with his or her gender. Therefore, the terms sex and gender are not interchangeable. A baby boy who is born with male genitalia will be identified as male. As he grows, however, he may identify with the feminine aspects of his culture. Since the term sex refers to biological or physical distinctions, characteristics of sex will not vary significantly between different human societies. Generally, persons of the female sex, regardless of culture, will eventually menstruate and develop breasts that can lactate. Characteristics of gender, on the other hand, may vary greatly between different societies. For example, in U.S. culture, it is considered feminine (or a trait of the female gender) to wear a dress or skirt. However, in many Middle Eastern, Asian, and African cultures, dresses or skirts (often referred to as sarongs, robes, or gowns) are considered masculine. The kilt worn by a Scottish male does not make him appear feminine in his culture.

I am sorry to be the one to raise this issue but I am going to put it straight out there so there is no confusion: men and women are not equal. For two things to be perfectly equal they would need to be the same and it should be self-evident that a man and a woman are not the same. Not only are they different on the physical level but they differ in almost every way they relate to the world around them. Men and women have different communication skills, different uses of emotion and even different perceptions of pain. However just because men and women are different does not mean that one is better than the other, in fact the very existence of humanity depends on these differences. These differences are what we might call complementary and they are part of the richness and design of humanity.

We have a major problem in our modern society though, we want everything to be ‘equal’, at least equal in the way we think it should be equal. Marriage has to be suited to whatever combination certain people desire lest it be discriminatory, faith-based employers are forced into employing those not of, or contrary to, faith, and some workplaces have quotas placed upon them in order to employ equal numbers of men and women.

The issue came to the fore recently when Australia voted in a new Liberal Prime Minster and the inner cabinet contained only one woman. The uproar across media agencies lasted the best part of a week with the new cabinet being compared, in an amusing but meaningless way, to the political cabinet of Afghanistan which has three women. The Liberal party has no particular quota on the number of women who must be selected, basing itself on merit, whereas the outgoing Labor party has a self-imposed policy that aims to preselect women as candidates in a minimum of 40% of seats. Imposing quotas though seems to be a rather disingenuous way to respect women. How is a woman selected under a quota regime supposed to know if she is there for her particular talents or simply to meet a politically correct criteria?

This is where society is getting it wrong; a false notion of equality. It begins at a subliminal level where the message is diffused that one’s gender is a social construction, meaning that a woman is a woman because she was dressed in a skirt and given dolls as a child, and a man is a man because he was dressed in trousers and given toy trucks. It is worth remembering that the term ‘gender’ came about in the early 1960’s in an attempt to differentiate between one’s biological sex and imposed sociocultural roles. In Sweden, toy company catalogues must now show images of boys playing with dolls and girls with guns, and vice versa, and in 2012 the Swedes introduced the genderless pronoun “hen” instead of “han” (he) and “hon” (she). One of their state-sponsored preschools has tried to obliterate the male/female distinction among children, so the children are not called boys and girls, but friends

I felt I was a woman until I met you
then my attraction to you made me want to have a gender change!

Final thoughts.

When a society fails to understand the nature of men and women it is true that everything can look unfair but we set rather arbitrary standards of where fairness lies. Men dominate senior positions in the largest global companies, most likely because they have particular natural abilities to do those tasks well. Women dominate the raising of the next generation of humanity and professions which nurture and educate, most likely because they have particular natural abilities to do those tasks well. Of course there will always be men and women who have certain talents which mean they are better in tasks that are not as common for their sex and that is fine also. If we were sincere about the equality issue we would insist that besides a quota of women in leadership positions, a set number of men become carers to the disabled and work at home raising children. However this is not an issue about genuine equality, it is an issue about power, we all want to be out there doing what is seen to be the most important job at the time, but meanwhile we so often forget where the important things lie.

Men and women are not ‘equal’ in their gifts but both sexes have a multitude of specific gifts and we always remain equal in our dignity as human persons. The more we focus on false notions of power and equality the less happy and satisfied we will be. Better that we realise and highlight the complementarity that men and women share and use it to make our world a better and more just place.

The ladies man title has changed

I had no idea you were this skilled.

Today's women have relabeled men from Ladies man to F#ckboy.  

It’s now more acceptable than ever to be a ladies man, especially when women are so carefree about casual sex and relationships. so the relabeling seems about right. 

For example:

• A study found that 55% of couples had sex on their first date.
• A study in the UK found that 51% of women admitted to having experienced a one night stands
• A study in Europe found that 70% of women admitted to having experienced a one night stands.
• A survey found that the amount of men that a woman has sex with before marriage has almost doubled in the last 10 years from 3.7 to 7.7.....Smirking  is .7  a real sexual act?

 So, how can you get in on the action?

How can you be the sort of modern man who is not only loved and wanted by more than a few  women, but also really enjoys spending time with  different women, flirting with them and enjoying sex and relationships with them?

The answer is to become what people refer to as a ladies man (back in the day). Here is the dictionary definition of the term.

Ladies man (noun): A man who the ladies love, respect and want to have sex with. A man who enjoys flirting with women and enjoying sexual, romantic relationships with women.

As you can see from the dictionary definition above, being a ladies man doesn’t mean that you are sleazy, take advantage of women or only care about sex.

It’s actually a lot classier and cooler than that.

Whereas F#ckboy is not defined in most dictionary yet. 

A f#ckboy is that guy … the one who doesn’t respect women, but relies on them heavily. He’s distant, doesn’t care about other people’s time, and won’t commit. He’s self-absorbed, does stupid things, and f#cks with others’ emotions.

So tell me about your attraction to me!

We’ve all encountered f#ckboys in our lives, let’s face it. In fact, it’s even been borrowed into other languages including Swedish.

F#ckboy has also been floating around online since 2014. F#ckboy (or fuccboi) is not simply a stylized version of fuckboy, although some people do use it that way. F#ckboy has a specific meaning related to fashion. He is someone who wears high-end clothing and wishes to be associated with fashion culture, without actually being a part of that culture. This is a guy who buys articles of clothing just for the logo.

And, then there’s the prison usage of f#ckboy … yea we’re pretty sure you know what that one means.

Final thought.

I've been told The Best Part About Being a Ladies Man is

If you do get to the point where you are a ladies man, picking up women becomes easy, simple and consistent.

Personally speaking, I still feel amazed at how easy it is to attract and pick up women compared to how much I used to struggle in the past when I had no idea how to attract women.

In the past, I would try to talk to women and get them to like me because I am a good guy and I would hope that they’d give me a chance because of that.

Yet, just being a good guy is not enough for a woman to want to get into a sexual relationship with you.

Women want to be able to feel sexually attracted to you and feel lucky to be getting a chance with you, rather than having to give you a chance to be with them.

When you get to the point where you effortlessly make a woman feel lucky to be getting a chance with an awesome guy like you, you will realize how easy and simple it is to pick up most of the women that you meet.

Most women put on an act of being really difficult to pick up, but in reality, they are extremely easy to pick up when you are what is referred to as a ladies man.  Ok since I'm not a ladies man or a F#ckboy I don't do things that would label me either of them these extremes. 

There are a number of ways a woman can tell if a man seriously wants her in his future

 That moment when you are caught staring at her Assets?

That look she gives you when she catches you drooling.

She will catch you staring at her with a look of awe, a warm look captured by her beauty and wanting that beauty all to yourself.

Men are not touchy people but they become so when wanting to secure a woman. He will insist on hugging her, he’ll find his hand brushing her skin, holding her waist. When she and him walk their bodies will bump on to each other showing comfort and trust. Read his body language

 There will be questions on his face. She will feel at peace with him but sense there is something more he is not saying. Questions such as: when do I propose to her? Am I doing a good job loving her? Does she know how much she means to me?

 “He will not rush her into sex”

She will not feel any pressure to have sex with him because sex is not all he is after. After all, if they will have a future together there will be plenty of sex for them ahead.

 “He will ask  many questions”

A man who is interested in a woman will study her. He will want to know who she is, why she is and how she does things. She will feel searched out, women love a man showing interest.

“He will handle her past”

A man keen on building her future will seek to understand her past, her past explains why she is the way she is. Her battles will become his battles, her joy his joy.

“He will not pretend”

A serious man has no time to pretend to be a man he is not, he wants her to know him for who he truly is.

 “He will build her up”

Because he sees her in his future, as his wife; he will not hesitate to correct her when she wrongs, confront her when she strays, direct her to opportunities or challenge her to be better.

 “He will hint at a future together”

If she carefully listens, she’ll notice him hinting at a future together whether directly or indirectly. He will ask hypothetical questions that suggest a husband and wife scenario, trying to pick her mind on what her desires about marriage and parenthood are.

“He will not spoil her at the expense of her future”

A man who is working on a stable future will not waste his wealth today just to please the woman. He will not take a loan to impress her or go into debt to win her. He would rather enjoy today with her within his limit as he invests in a better future.

 “He will allow her to  love him”

A man who is serious about love will allow himself to be vulnerable to the woman to empower her to show him love. When he is lost, discouraged, down, in need of assistance, broke or hurting he will lean on her and confide in her. Her love will be the oasis he runs to.

 “He will appear as a father figure and husband”

The more she looks at him the more he will look like a husband and father in waiting. He will handle her like his wife even though they are not yet married. Faithfulness will be unheard of, disrespecting her will not be an option

“He will include her in his decision making”

Because he wants her to have a stake in his future, he will seek her opinion before making a move.

 “He will get to know her family and friends”

He will slowly fix himself in her friends and family circle. He wants to appear as the man making in roads to her heart, he will not hide from the people he could be interacting with a lot in the future.

Final thoughts

Ladies, have you ever dated someone you thought was “the one” only to find out months or even years into the relationship that they had no intention of making it official?

It’s heartbreaking, isn't it!

It’s the kind of news that can leave you reeling for a long time and cause you to distrust new partners from the very beginning.

All of a sudden, you’re one of those women who is asking if he wants to get married and have kids on your first date so that you don’t waste any more time on him if he’s not interested in the same things you’re interested in.

It’s tough, Right?.

But to avoid looking like you’ve got a one-track mind and to make sure you protect your heart, here are some signs to help you see whether or not he’s in this for the long haul or just messing around for a while.

There are signs jam-packed with insightful information about how he really feels and what he wants.

Men don’t usually tell someone they love them unless they want a relationship with them, and they’re confident that their love interest loves them back.

So you can be sure he wants a relationship with you if he is telling you he has feelings for you.

However, don’t be too disheartened if he doesn’t tell you he has feelings for you.

Why?

Because not all men are honest with their feelings. And that’s normal.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a relationship.

You just need to build trust and rapport before he feels comfortable enough to tell you how he feels.

And you’re going to have to pick up on the signs to figure out if he wants a relationship with you.

Can you Relate To These Unequal Polygamous Relationships

we tried a monogamous union
but now we want to try
 a Polygamous relationship to add some spice.

 

When most of us hear the word “marriage,” we think of a monogamous unions between a man and woman. And this is a perfectly reasonable inference considering we live in a world where some 75% of the population lives in countries where polygamy is illegal.

But this wasn’t always the case.

In fact, for almost all of written human history, the vast majority of humans lived in polygamous societies.

Noah’s father, Lamech, and his two wives are the first polygamists mentioned in the Old Testament, but they are by no means the last. Abraham conceives his first son, Ishmael, with his first wife’s servant Hager, and Abraham later went on to take a third wife, Keturah.

Abraham’s grandson, Jacob, did him one better, taking four wives while King David managed to end up with eight. These men were all lightweights compared to King Solomon who had a reported 700 wives.

Evidence supporting the ubiquity of polygamy in the ancient world goes back even further than that. Stone tablets recovered from the ruins of a palace destroyed by Hammurabi notes the local king inherited a 350-woman harem from his predecessor and managed to add another 300 to that.

We also know that these concubines were not limited to just the kings of ancient Mesopotamia. The Code of Hammurabi, one of the first written legal codes in human history, set detailed laws governing the relations between husband, wife, concubine, slave, and master.

Under the Hammurabi code, if a wife produced no children, the wife could allow her husband to conceive with one of her servants instead. But if the wife refused sexual access to her servants, then the husband was allowed to take a second wife.

Wealthy men who could afford slaves were also allowed to have sex with their slaves whenever they wanted and were even given the option of adopting their slave offspring if they wanted to make them legitimate.

Moving forward in history, we see that virtually all large human civilizations were polygamous. The rulers of ancient China, India, Africa, the Americas, and even Europe all kept hundreds, sometimes thousands, of women at their disposal. Anthropologist Dr. Laura Betzig has noted that in each of these societies “powerful men mate with hundreds of women, pass their power on to a son by a legitimate wife, and take the lives of men who get in their way.”

This didn’t really start to change until some 2000 years ago, and even then, change was slow. It is a tough sell getting the wealthy and powerful men who control society to give up their privilege of monopolizing female companionship.

But ultimately monogamous communities ended up out-breeding and out-competing polygamous ones. In some cases, like the Aztecs, polygamous male leadership came to a violent end. For others, like Japan, which banned polygamy in 1880, the process was more of emulation than capitulation. It is only in the past 100 years or so that the majority of humanity came to live in societies where polygamy was illegal.

The big disadvantage that all polygamous societies face is a simple numbers game.

we love each other and don't need men!

Consider a society of 200 adults with an even split of 100 men and 100 women. The top 60 wealthiest men each take one wife. Then, of those 60 wealthiest men, the top 25 take a second wife, leaving 35 monogamous marriages. Then the top 10 of those men take a third wife and the top five take a fourth. Now all 100 women have a husband. And of the 60 married men in this society, most (35) are married monogamously. This is a typical distribution of mates for a real-world polygamous society.

But this also leaves 40% of all men unmarried. And it is these unmarried men that are part of polygamy’s undoing. Studies have shown that unmarried men are more likely than married men to commit murder  and rape. Another analysis found that the greater the percentage of unmarried men in a population, the greater the rates of rape, murder, assault, theft, and fraud.

Many polygamous societies do manage to find a way to project some of the violence of their unmarried men outwards. But that kind of expansive conquest can only last so long.

The Islamic explorer Ibn Fadlan described a Viking chieftain who had 40 slave girls that “were destined for his bed,” while his 400 warriors were given two slave girls each, in addition to their other wives.

But if Viking chiefs had 40-plus concubines and wives, and his favored warriors had an additional four or five women each as well, then where did that leave the vast majority of Viking men who wanted a mate? It left them on a Viking longship headed towards an Irish village where they could capture a woman and sell her husband off into slavery.

In addition to decreasing both internal and external violence, monogamy also encourages peaceful cooperation within a society. Across cultures, those communities with stronger monogamous bonds and increased parent certainty show more male investment in their children. By channeling male effort from fighting each other for control of as many women as possible, and towards investment in children’s development, a monogamous community can spend more time cooperating and becoming more productive as a unit.

Thanks in no small part to monogamy, our world today is far more peaceful and prosperous than it was in ancient times or the Viking age. But if humanity has been polygamous for most of written history, then why aren’t we better adapted to either: 1) living without mates (as unmarried men in polygamous societies must do) or 2) not experiencing jealousy when our mate is with another person (as married women, and some men, in polygamous societies or relationships often do)?

The answer is that we lived in monogamous hunter gatherer tribes for hundreds of thousands of years before we learned to settle down and domesticate plants and animals. In contrast, consider that gorillas and chimpanzees are all polygynous. Alpha-male apes maintain harems and actively deny other adult males sexual access to his females. Chimpanzees live in larger groups, so alpha-male chimpanzees must be more coalitional- minded, granting sexual access of females to almost all males in the group with preferred access for his most loyal supporters.

Our human ancestors broke away from all this polygynous mating. Since everyone mates with everyone, male chimpanzees have no idea which offspring are theirs and they make no effort to help female chimpanzees raise them

By forming intense pair bonds, our human ancestors brought men into the caring and provisioning of moms and their children. This extra help gave moms the calorie boost they needed to help their offspring grow larger, calorie-intensive brains. These bigger brains then enabled the unique social learning capabilities that made us what we are today.

In other words, monogamy is a big part of what makes us human. Our more recent polygamous past, which began with the agricultural revolution, was just a short blip on a much larger monogamous timeline.

This brief history of human sexual relations shows us three things: 1) we are hardwired to form monogamous pair bonds; 2) the privileged among us will always try to monopolize more mates; and 3) we can check the privilege of the powerful by enforcing monogamous cultural norms.

It is this last point that brings us to an unfortunately growing movement to undermine our culture’s monogamous norms: polyamory.

Proponents of polyamory are a diverse group with different definitions of what polyamory means to them and what they want to see changed legally and culturally. But to the extent the polyamory movement is coherent, what unites them is a desire to make non-monogamous sexual relationships more socially acceptable.

This is the exact opposite of what our society needs right now.

So society. Tell me what you want!

Polyamory advocates say their movement is all about consent and spreading love. But what little research there is on non-monogamous relationships shows that two-thirds of them are non-consensual. Other research shows that it is the men who most often ask for non-monogamy, and it is women who often feel pressured into either agreeing to it, or tolerating it. Either way, people in both consensual non-monogamous relationships and non-consensual non-monogamous relationships report lower relationship satisfaction than people in monogamous relationships. To the extent polyamory sought to improve people’s lives, it is failing.

The simple fact is no institution has a better track record of binding people together into a larger successful community than the radical egalitarianism of monogamy.

Are you sure you want to have sexual relationships with other women?

Final thought

The reason most traditional relationships end is due to one (or more) of what I’ll refer to as in my experience are “The Three D’s”: Drifting, Dysfunction and Desire for More.

Drifting occurs when two people evolve in different directions, and no longer feel a common bond that they once shared. Of course, a certain degree of variation in interests and values is typical, but when members of a relationship have significantly “drifted apart” they often decide to end their relationship since it no longer feels compatible.

Dysfunction occurs typically in the forms of emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Although it can be hard for some people to admit that their relationship has become so unhealthy, the relationship must heal, end, or result in perpetual misery. When a dysfunctional relationship ends, few outside observers feel that there is a true “loss” so much as the opportunity for a new beginning.

Desire, the third “D”, is also a common cause for the end of many traditional relationships. Monogamous relationships end when someone gets caught (or admits) having an affair. In some cases, honest people choose to admit they have feelings for someone else before acting upon their attraction…but the outcome is the same. Another way in which desire ends relationships is when someone suppresses their resentment for the fact that having a partner “prevents” them from being with someone else, which can lead to subconscious sabotaging of the relationship in order to attain freedom. Additionally, someone who suppresses the positive energy that comes from having other attractions can experience a “deadness” they may not even understand, which can be a catalyst for the demise of their relationship.