Trusting everyone, is not really the opposite to trusting Nobody!

 A woman with trust issues is a woman who has heard the promises ‘I will never hurt you’ too many times with actions that showed otherwise. It feels like having trust issues is like one of the biggest roadblocks you can face in your life. Not only are we always skeptical about trusting people but we start to become negative in our head too.

We live in a world where we are continuously surrounded by media in some form or the other. This is what gives us the unrealistic expectation of love and relationships. Our expectation of love doesn’t come from our parents or family, it is based on the fiction we see in movies, television, and books. This is what makes our perception of love unreal and naïve. However, this naivety lasts only until your first major heartbreak. It is only after that the reality of the situation starts to hit that you tend to realize reality is far from what media portrays. It is important to have standards so as to not end up settling but we also need to be mindful and realistic on what we expect from love and relationships.

I was that person once. Young, naïve, and living in my own fantasy of what love means. Then something fantastic happened, I fell in love or at least I thought I did. It felt amazing and magical somehow at the beginning like I own the world and nothing can go wrong. It was at that exact time when reality hit and things went down south. I didn’t understand what had happened, I mean there’s always a happily ever after in TV right? Well, that is not the case. I was hurt, confused and jaded in a certain sense. I told myself that if this is what love feels like, I never want to fall in love ever again.

Then, the inevitable happened; she falls for someone again. She was scared of course. She didn’t want to get hurt again. She  is guarded but she eventually gave in and it was at that very moment that she saw her trust being broken.

Trust is like paper, once it’s crumpled, it can never be perfect and smooth again.

A woman with "trust" issues is like an onion, you need to peel it one layer at a time; you can’t just cut through with a knife and expect to be in. Rather than being excited at a prospect of a date or meeting someone new, women tensions are high. It’s not fair to anyone but they are a product of their past experiences and women will continue being this way until someone shows them a reason to feel otherwise. We need to understand that women weren’t born with trust issues. We may not think their past was a big deal but the baggage women are carrying is what is putting them down. They don’t think they  need men to fix things; they just need us to be supportive while they are trying to fight themselves. Their hearts have been played with, they have been cheated on, and they know how shitty it feels. So rest assured, if we are in it with you, we will give you all we have.

That being said, there are a few things you can do to get someone with trust issues to actually trust you.

1. First and foremost, make sure your intentions are genuine. If not, please don’t waste their time and yours. Over a period of time we have become very intuitive on who we should and should not trust.
2. Fellahs. Learn to be patient. Women will take their sweet time until they are sure about you. You will need to make the first move because they are going to be cautious for a while.
3. If you actually care, take the first step. Don’t sit around and expect us to do it.
4. Listen when they talk. I know most guys aren’t good listener but at least try. They will surely acknowledge the efforts.
5. Please be honest with her. Understand that women were lied to a lot and it will always hurt. You really don’t want to be the person to add to their pain.
6. Actions do speak louder than words so complement your words with actions.
7. Don’t break their trust again. It has been a hard enough for us just to get ourselves to trust you again so don’t be that person who makes us doubt our judgment again.

I truly believe that women only need that one guy to make them realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else. They want  that guy. It’s harder than you can imagine for a person with trust issues to start trusting again, so when she says ‘I trust you’,  confirm it by acting correctly, don’t make her regret it.

figuring it out

 A woman with walls, has been burned, betrayed, forsaken. The hardest job is to figure out , which wall is the highest, and most sturdy and hardest to penetrate, or totally impenetrable.... read her eyes, to figure her out!

You eyes speak volumes!

Women who have roots often have walls.

Every step forward starts with a foot firmly planted in the past.  

These days loving someone who has walls up should  not be a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away.

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck,  you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing.

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn.

Can I trust you to keep me a float?

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far.

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist.

Final thought

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it. 

You are all I need to get by.