This was a wonderful trip do you want to get married?
A starter marriage is considered a
first-time marriage that lasts five years or less. And oh yes, with no
kids, there are no lasting ties. By age 30, you are free to move on to hmmm… upgrade? A 2001 survey by the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention found that 20 percent of divorces in first marriages occur
within five years. Here’s how to tell your marriage may not be destined
to last much beyond the flowers that decorated the reception hall.
IT’S BEEN DOWNHILL SINCE THE WEDDING
This was such a mistake!
Many women buy into the wedding industry machine — inhaling bridal magazines, debating menus, floral options, the playlist and of course finding the perfect gown. The months or years of wedding planning can distract from contemplating what day-to-day married life will actually feel like. Couples who gloss over serious incompatibilities, their inability to communicate well and/or widely differing lifestyles and aspirations (i.e., one is a couch potato; the other is a party animal) can find post-wedding life a huge disillusionment. Marriage is not an end point, but a new beginning. Know what that beginning entails.
YOU HAVEN’T SOWN YOUR WILD OATS
Welcome to Vegas, where everything said and done stays here. This is my turf.... you do as I say!
I have known many couples who marry fresh out of college, thus find themselves committed to life à deux before they know what it is like to explore the possibilities life holds for an independent young adult responsible for no one but him or herself. When one or both partners are frequently wistful over what it might be like to take a solo trip to Vegas, have a series of flings just because, these are serious indications that as much as they love their partner, they’re not ready for the commitment of marriage.
YOU WALKED DOWN THE AISLE DESPITE DOUBTS
He was not my first choice!
Some young couples marry thinking that saying those vows in front of friends and family will magically transform a troubled relationship into a union made in heaven.
These couples are in for a rude awakening. The first few years of marriage are a difficult enough adjustment when the couple is truly compatible and prepared for the ebbs and flows of a life together. When the major components present for a young, married couple include mutual stress, resentment and a magical belief that a piece of paper will erase problems, divorce is typically not far away.
LACK OF MARITAL ROLE MODELS
dON'T BLAME US!
If a young couple marries and their only experience of mature, happy couples is from the movies and television, the odds that they will succeed without a lot of effort are heavily against them. It will require effort they may not be equipped or prepared to expend at this point in their lives. Children learn by observing their parents. When you observed the people who raised you treating one another with hostility and lack of respect over the years, that is your normal. That is how you will treat your partner and expect to be treated.
Without guidance from other role models, this couple will likely end up in divorce court.
DRIVEN BY SHORT ATTENTION SPANS
tEXT ME IF YOU WANT MY ATTENTION!
In our Tinder/quick swipe/move on world, it can be hard for a young couple to have the maturity or ‘endurance’ to realize that the first signs of boredom or trouble are not necessarily an indication that they should bail, but rather a sign that they need to develop a tolerance for imperfection. It feels easy to move on. And it is… in the short run. Sometimes the ability to hang in and fight for something worthwhile doesn’t click in until you have suffered loss.
A quick marriage and quick divorce may seem relatively painless, but no one emerges unscathed. And that pain is often the catalyst for growth and maturity, which augurs well for the second marriage.
If you are a problem solver. You are a sapiosexual!
While social media is a space we all go to share things we
love (a new haircut selfie, a #TBT, your drugstore beauty haul),
unfortunately, it can also be a place where women everywhere experience a
ton of negativity and unwanted judgement about their appearances.
I found myself looking for what I was always attracted to.
Over the years, I have wondered about what attracts us to some people more than others. In particular, what attracts us to the opposite sex? Indeed, chemistry between people plays a huge part in our relationships, but there are also certain personality characteristics that draw us to one another. Some people are attracted to physical appearance, others to status or an individual’s personality; whether it is charismatic, friendly, kind, thoughtful or even brilliant.
Recently, a new word has come to my attention that describes what often draws me to the opposite sex. The word is “Sapiosexuality.” As defined by the urban dictionary, a sapiosexual person is someone who finds intelligence and the human mind to be the most sexually attractive feature in the opposite sex. The origin of the word comes from the word sapiens, which means wise or judicious, and the word, sexual.
If you are just about self improvement. You are a sapiosexual! with out a doubt!
Looking back on my relationships with women, I realize that I have always been attracted to intelligent women because I believe that the brain is the largest sex organ. Those who admit to being sapiosexual will say that they are turned on by the brain, and tend to be teased or excited by the insights of another person. This means the person who you are attracted to might have a tendency to have an incisive, inquisitive, and an irreverent mind. As foreplay, the sapiosexual person may crave philosophical, political or psychological discussions, because this turns them on. Although the attraction is not always connected to sexuality, it often is. Sometimes, however, platonic friendships between the sexes are also dependent on sapiosexual desires. This intellectual synergy simply fires up the relationship. This is often seen in the workplace and may be viewed as another aspect of being sapiosexual—that is, a desire to be connected with intellectuals, although the outcome is not always an intimate encounter.
If you are like the first Lady. You are a sapiosexual! You will attract the Barack type.
Those who are sapiosexual are those who are stimulated or challenged by the way another person thinks. They are basically in love with the mind. Sometimes, sapiosexual individuals have also been called “nymphobrainiacs,” or individuals who find it arousing to engage with the intellectual perspective of another person. To some, the word nymphobrainiac sounds a bit extreme or pathological.
Librarians, teachers and professors or others associated with learning institutions are often targets of sapiosexual persons. In an anthology released a few weeks ago, called,The Sexy Librarian’s Big Book of Erotica, (link is external)Bix Warden writes in the introduction how librarians are often featured in sexual fantasies. He agrees that the brain is the sexiest organ in the body, and says that intelligence is sexy. Though you don’t have to be a librarian to be sexy, he states that librarians are often smart and sexy, read across many genres, and can converse on many different subjects.
If you always seeking knowledge. You are a sapiosexual! Period!
In so many realms, including sexuality so much of who we are has its roots in our childhood. What happened during our childhoods serves as a foundation of who we are, especially in connection with intimacy. Much depends upon our relationship with the opposite sex parent, our first love experience, and first intimate encounter. Perhaps what we look for in a partner is what we always wanted in ourselves. It also might be the catalyst or portal to knowledge of our deeper selves.
For example, I know someone who, as a child, was told by her mother that she was not smart. For this reason she always craved intelligence in herself and in her lovers. It has long been known that women who were adored by their fathers expect or desire the same in their mates. They tend to stay clear of those who treat them poorly or with disrespect. On the other hand, if a male had a mother who was unavailable, needy or narcissistic, then he will try to receive love from a woman who is also unable to provide it. If you were safe and nurtured as a child, then you will feel safe, valued, and protected by your adult partner. Feeling these sentiments invariably leads to better sex and intimacy. I Googled the word "Sapiosexual”and found the following:
This new term for the attraction to intelligence...
“Sapiosexual” denotes a person who who finds a cultured and socially conscious mind the most attractive personality trait of all.
Sapiosexuals are sometimes referred to as "nymphobrainiacs," according to Psychology Today.
Those who are sapiosexual are those who are stimulated or challenged by the way another person thinks,
They are basically in love with the mind. Sometimes, sapiosexual individuals have also been called “nymphobrainiacs,” or individuals who find it arousing to engage with the intellectual perspective of another person.
The word has officially entered the dating lexicon on OKCupid.
People who use the term obviously intend it to have some sort of communicative value. A quick browse through OKCupid users who identify as sapiosexual in the New York area, for example, reveals some common themes: they’re young, they’re atheists, they live in Brooklyn, they list philosophical and theoretical texts as their favorite books.
It's quickly becoming one of the most popular dating tags on the dating site.
That was probably the primary reason we haven’t done this earlier,” Mike Maxim, chief technology officer at OkCupid, tells NPR of this and other new terminology. “You know, this has been a feature that’s been requested now for, I don’t know, probably years.”
It happened recently with a new acquaintance who, in getting to know her, I asked her whether she has any children. When she said "no," this new acquaintance followed up with her own question: “Do you want to have anymore children?” When I replied with a resounding “no,” she gasped as if I had told her I plan to vote for Donald Trump. I guess she didn’t consider the possibility of a direct and absolute "no." since most men in my age group have huge egos, and want to show that they can still father kids in their later years with younger women. She quickly lost interest in the conversation thereafter. I wiping the sweat from my brow, now that I knew what she really wanted.... and I would have been her targeted baby daddy.(grand Daddy, would be more like it in my case.)
My career comes first, No diaper changing for me!
In all fairness, she couldn’t have possibly known how tired I am of hearing "why would you deny a woman a chance to have a child with you, if the woman was in a relationship with you?" But I'm also seeing that it's not unique that many career women do not want children either. The shock and awe I’ve witnessed over the years from family, friends and acquaintances alike is as baffling to me as a woman proclaiming she doesn’t want to procreate is to them. Worse yet is the obligatory follow-up question that arises when a single woman of child-bearing age states that she wants to remain childless: “Why?” Personally I can think of some good reasons.
"Would you consider having kids if I'm that right guy?"
If that question is coming from a woman's parents, that’s one thing, because it’s not at all unusual for parents to want grandchildren. But some women don’t like answering that question (especially to people who aren’t their parents) for several reasons. Namely because the "why" is never good enough. If a woman says: “I don’t want to have children” is not a sufficient answer in their eyes. Neither is, “I’ve never seen myself as a mother type ,” or any other reason I can list. Their insistence on remaining without child often turns into a reassurance party. Accusations and assumptions are hurled their way – “You’re just scared,” “You’re only saying that because you haven’t met the right guy,” “You’ll make a great mother,” and so on , and so on. I can picture them saying:" Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it’s not that deep. And I still don’t want to have children."
Leave me alone, NO more comment about having children!
Not taking people’s so-called advice about having kids into consideration often and inaccurately translates to an assumption that some women don’t like children. Which, in the past, called for additional explanation. Or so I thought. But I've learned that people are not responsible for any confusion or misunderstanding that might arise simply because they check "no" on the child box. I’m perfectly clear on what it is that I want. So I'm therefore perfectly comfortable at this stage in my life that what others want should not put you in a defensive position. People should don’t need to justify or explain their reasoning, and They certainly don’t need to put anyone else at ease. Nor has a woman committed a crime or offended women or parents the world over just because they don't want to do what everyone else expect them to do. A woman's choice to not have children is exactly that – a choice. Why must she be made to feel bad or different? Or like less of a woman?
"I knew I would regret having sex with you!"
Another thing I’m sure women are tired of hearing is that they'll live to regret their decision. I remember One of my aunts who never had children has said this to young women her niece on numerous occasions. It was her truth, and she assumes that it will one day be their truth if they refrain from bearing a child. I really feel sorry for those who feel that way and if years from now she turns out to be right about her decision, then so be it. But guilt-ing her into wanting to procreate isn’t going to make a woman change my mind, if she really does not want children. Sure, some are open to the possibility that things may one day change. I’ve seen it happen with other women. In fact, one of my best friends was adamant about not having children and then one day, several years into her marriage, she changed her mind. But she couldn’t have predicted that would happen. The same can be said for other women... who are adamant that they are not willing to have children... and will stick with their decision.
"So we agree on the children subject!"
The final kicker of all this why-don’t-you-want-a-baby madness goes a little something like this: “Do you really think you’ll find a man who doesn’t want to have kids?” I'm raising my hand, I'm available, if I'm your choice NOT to have a baby with ! (I'm a man who already has two offspring) more children would be a crowd. That question basically suggests that if women want to have a lasting relationship, she has to suck it up and have a child to satisfy the man in her life. It suggests that romantic love cannot exist or bears no meaning without a child in the mix. It suggests that a woman is completely alone in her thinking and that she have to, therefore, remain single. But some career women are not falling for any of that. Having a child is kind of a big deal and doing so because it’s what one person in a relationship wants is a setup for failure in my book.
You can train a good girl to be bad – then you will have the best of both worlds. However, never make the mistake of thinking a bad Apple can turn good; you can’t turn a real bad girl into a housewife.
my perspective:
She ups your status:
These splits are not real but from a distance the look Hot.
Let’s face it, bad girls are hot. When a man has a stunner on his arm, it makes men jealous and women intrigued, (or is it the other way around) so it’s like your stock skyrockets automatically. Suddenly, men want to be you and women want to be with you.
Women seldom want something unless another, especially a hot woman, has it. So, not only do you get to tell your buddies your bedtime tales with a bad girl, ( my B.A.,D. approach is to never tell) but you will probably get a lot more women then you usually do because of it. In life, we call this a win-win.
She craves sex:
The bad girl loves sex and makes no excuse about it. Consider her the female version of 50 Shades of Grey. She is more than willing to fulfill your every whim in bed and will make you feel like a sex God while she’s doing it, just remember she also a good actor.
Sex with a bad girl will never be boring because she loves to experience new things probably more than the guy she is with. Make no mistake about it; you won’t have to deal with games because a bad girl is more than happy to seduce you 24/7.
You can get between me and my Calvin's any time you want.
She’s exciting:
Unlike boring good girls, a bad girl is a walking adrenaline rush. She has no time for complaining or depression because she is too busy living life to the fullest. She grabs the world by the horns and likes her men to do the same. With a bad girl, you’re always guaranteed a good time because she is wildly unpredictable.
She can party all night, drink with the boys, and wake up the next morning ready to go again. She’ll laugh, flirt, and constantly remind you why you feel so prideful walking around with her at your side.
The bad(s) of bad girls:
She’s a tease:
She can make even a turtle neck sweater look sexy.
She knows men want her and she uses it to her advantage. She will make a man think she is falling for him to get what she wants and then disappear without a word. Bad girls are untrustworthy because they have the tendency to hop around from guy to guy with zero regard for anyone.
Bad girls are usually not very loyal and should be kept at arm’s length, because more often than not, they’ll break your heart and make you look like a bitch for having feelings and fantasies for her that you thought only came from the mind of a woman.
She’s dangerous:
Because bad girls like to party so much, they often get involved with the wrong crowd. She may be into excessive consumption of drugs and alcohol or worst. In this case you’re going to spend most of your time being her babysitter, not her man. She’s selfish:
Nice gift, let me see who will offer better??
All bad girls truly care about is what’s best for them. They are selfie obsessed, and narcissistic. Not to call anyone a hooker — but, bad girls put a price on their vaginas. They want dinner, some gifts, a few diamonds … then they’ll put out. Not to worry, if you’re not willing to pay the price, there’s a line of men who will.
She want's to lead the Glamorous life, and will not change!
" I will draw the line of demarcation at my bedroom door!"
Society often places a woman's worth on her sexual appeal. Nothing is further from the truth. Self-esteem cannot be earned by performance in bed. society suggest that the only thing men want from a woman is sex. Men, in general , are not the enemy(it can be generalized to make it seem that it is only one way). Draw a line of demarcation and say to your self, "that was then and this is now!"
Love is hard to find, and it’s even harder to know whether or not it’s real when your feelings cloud your judgement. However, deep down we all have that voice in the back of our heads that won’t shut up. We convince ourselves it’s fear, and maybe sometimes it is, but if you really do wonder whether or not the man you’re with is there for the right reasons, then take a look at these six differences between a man who loves you and one who is poisoning your relationship and wasting your time. 1. Respectful vs. Tolerant
I told you this walkway is strong enough! Now do you respect my opinion?
A man who loves you will respect you and admire you for your strong opinions. vs. On the opposite end of the spectrum are men who will tell you that you’re wrong or agree to let you think what you want without believing that your opinion is as equally valid and important as theirs, no matter how different the two may be.
2. Encouraging vs. Controlling
Men who love a woman want her to be the best version of herself. He’ll encourage her to pursue new opportunities and experiences. He may introduce her to plenty of new things, but he’ll never force her into something she’s uncomfortable with or make her feel bad about herself for not doing something he wanted her to.
I'm out on the town, she better be home when i get there!
3. Honest vs. Cruel
If you ask him how you look in a pair of jeans and he says you should change, that doesn’t mean he’s evil or thinks you’re gross. Would you honestly want him walking around in a shirt that didn’t fit properly? Men who love women will tell them what they need to hear. The truth may sting a little in certain situations, but his words never should. vs. A man who tells you to lose weight insults the things you like, your style or anything else about you doesn’t do so out of love; he does it because he doesn’t respect you and knows he can get away with talking to you that way.
4. Affectionate vs. Clingy
Now we’re moving into a different territory where your man may text, call and want to be with you 24/7. Some women might think that sounds great, but constantly checking up on you and needing the reassurance of their place in your life is a sign he’s in this more for himself than for you. vs. A man who loves you will certainly let it show both emotionally and physically, but a man who is clingy just has emotional issues and wants to talk to you so he feels validated, not so you feel good.
5. Protective vs. Possessive
This continuous the misleading actions that come off one way but are actually something else entirely. It’s natural to protect something you care about, so if he keeps you in close sight and his arm around your shoulders while you two are out at the club, great. If on the other hand, he refuses to let you go anywhere alone or starts fights with men who try to talk to you, he’s possessive and, like a dog uses aggression to defend what’s “his”.
Are you Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?
6. Serious vs. Interested
A guy who is interested in you will talk to you when the times are convenient for him. If the relationship is brand new, this is to be expected. After all, no one drops what they’re doing to text incessantly with a girl they met two weeks ago. But if you two have been official for a while and he still only seems to talk when it’s good for him, then chances are he’s not in love, even if he does use the “L” word. Men who are in love will make serious commitments and efforts. When they make plans, they adhere to them. When they say they’ll do something, they follow through. Mr. Right is not anything like Mr. Right Now, and you’ll know that when you take a step back and truly analyze your relationship, your interactions and your overall level of happiness.
When you were in high school, you simply wanted to date the cutest girl in school and were not too concerned with what kind of a mother she would be or whether she’s the kind of person you actually want to live with. In fact, at that age, the rebel bad girl is often just as attractive to boys as the rebel bad boy still is to girls. But while cutting class and smoking weed may be attractive qualities in youth, there comes a time when being with a woman who can’t keep a job and sits at home all day smoking weed is no longer alluring or attractive. So if you’re done dating little girls are you ready for a real relationship with a mature woman, here are some qualities to look for in women
As your therapist I will listen to your problems, but you have to solve them!
1.) Women will give you an advice but they won’t demand you follow it.
Girls want you to do what they tell you to do and will get angry when you don’t. Women understand and accept that you are a grown adult capable of making your own decisions. They will offer you advice – sometimes whether you ask for it or not – but will not be upset or offended when you decide to do something differently than they advised. 2.) Women understand the importance of self-care
Girls are taught to always put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own. If they carry these same beliefs into adulthood, it will often leave them bitter and drained. Women understand that if they don’t take care of themselves, they will have no resources to take care of others.
3.) Women don’t need you to meet their every need.
Women have a number of friends they can call for “girl talk”, they have a “safe” man on tap when they need a date and you are not available and they have a massage therapist or beautician for when they need some physical touch and you are out of town. They willingly and gladly accept what you have to offer, but know what they can expect from you and what they need to go looking for elsewhere.
I'm comfortable in my own skin!
4.) Women respond easily to bids for connection
All relationships involve “bids for connection.” Bids can be responded to in three ways: by turning towards, away from or against. Girls will punish by giving the silent treatment, women will turn towards bids even during a heated argument as a means of maintaining a connection. 5.) A woman knows who she is and doesn’t need your validation
Girls will quickly learn to walk, talk, act, think and dress however their boyfriend wants them to – and then can’t figure out why their boyfriend dumps them for someone who is nothing like what they became for him. A woman knows who she is and stays true to who she is, no matter what.
6.) A woman’s inner beauty is as important to her as her external beauty
Somethings need to be stopped before they goes too far!
Girls will spend hours and hours painting their nails, curling and straightening their hair and applying makeup. A woman will spend a significant amount of time reading, meditating, attending classes and improving herself. She takes pride in her appearance,e but doesn’t put her most significant energies into it. 7.) A woman stands up for underdogs
There’s an old saying that “a man who is not nice to the waiter is not a nice man” and the same holds true for women. A mean girl might be kind of hot in high school, but I’m pretty sure you’re not going to want to share a bed with a mean girl. 8.) A woman is at home with her sensuality
I hope you can handle what you are asking for!
Girls need constant validation that they are pretty or physically attractive. They will frequently pursue men physically just to see if they can gain a conquest. Women know their own power, they are confident and comfortable in their sensuality and, as a result, don’t need to constantly have it on display just to prove their own worth.
9.) A woman has a wicked sense of humor
Girls are very concerned with what is “proper” or what will gain them the approval of their parents or other authority figures. Women are far more comfortable with “earthy” humor and can laugh richly at things that may not be considered “proper” in certain company.
10.) A woman is a leader
Girls expect someone to lead them, women are 360-degree leaders. They lead up, lead across and lead down. They are influencers of you, your children and your community and they wield that power wisely.
Any man who is
serious about pursuing his dream must make sacrifices and work long
hours. If his woman is not his biggest cheerleader then what good is
she? When times get tough, a man needs a woman in his corner who will
put her arms around him and say, “Hang in there, baby, you can do it!”
Some women have supported their men financially, some have provided
important contacts, and others have put in time to help build the
business.
A woman from New York put it this way.
“An ambitious man will never be happy unless he’s pursuing something
worthwhile, so why not support him and help make himself successful? Then
you both win!” Unfortunately, some women are afraid to see their men
succeed. They worry that as soon as he “makes it” he will leave the
marriage or relationship. My response to that is simple. Never help your
man expecting something in return. That’s not being genuine. If you
truly love your man, you want to see him win regardless if you stay
together or not. This is a classic case of women claiming to love their
men unconditionally while at the same time expecting a payoff for the
time they put in. In many ways, women can be just as selfish as men.
They just don’t want to admit it.
Excerpt from the book, Never Satisfied: How And Why Men Cheat
From My perspective: for too many years women have expected their man to have their back. However they would rather fly solo if they are successful career women. Slogan's like "I don't need a man, "I can do bad all by myself". Which is totally contrary to what you are really thinking and saying in private. Because when you start doing badly you are wishing for "Prince Charming" to come along and rescue you. He may even need to have a cape, even if it's just in your mind. Like in the in the above paragraph where Micheal Baisden writes about the modern World. A woman from New York put it this way. “An ambitious man will never be happy unless he’s pursuing something worthwhile, so why not support him and help make himself successful? Then you both win!” Please note she is thinking go along for the ride because he will be a success faster if you are encouraging him, and then you share in his success. But how often do you hear a woman express the opposite when she has a dream of success, that she needs to do well so that she can share her success with her man. These gender specific ideas and rolls continue to keep most couples back in the 20th century mindset.
Allow me to toast to our success!
Women are running companies, they are even running for presidents and Premiers of countries and a whole lot more. Only when their husbands die do we realize that he was a force (behind the scene, helping her to succeed), for example: Sheryl Sandberg’s ‘Lean In’ . I guess President Bill Clinton and Hillary, Michele and President Obama are rewriting the scripts for the next generation. We can only hope that their team work shows us that two great people can flip rolls as public figures and be strong supporters of their spouse efforts .... Let's see if the next generations will get a clue.... . Gender specific rolls are and should be passed tense. "Ride or die" is a term, as I see it , that should describe as an old wild wild west movie. My version "support your partner or die" it does not rhyme but you get the picture! Women want intimacy/support and affirmation these days on their terms , but seldom realize that infelicity by their men is often caused by of lack of intimacy/support and affirmation that men want on their terms. Even continuous talking about it will not change it. only compromised behaviors will........ If you are not willing to compromise... then just start
Allow me to state the following is strictly from my Male perspective:
In most relationships, there are often a number of different words that are thrown around in the heat of an argument. Empty threats are often made, which can range from ending the relationship to leaving permanently. Although it can be easy to use hurtful words when dealing with conflict, the word “s-h-o-u-l-d” will have a most harmful effect that can have long-term ramifications.
When it comes to how you view your significant other, it can be easy to always think of what they lack in and need to improve on as a partner. For women, it can be easy to assume that men should be more romantic, help more around the house, or open up more emotionally for a closer bond and connection. Men can often expect women to be less clingy or reduce their spending habits. On each side, saying the word “should” consistently can ruin the relationship and cause more damage than expected.
If you consistently sing the word “should” it comes dangerous due to the expectations that it immediately puts on another individual and can make it easy to see the person as lacking in their commitment or what they bring to the relationship. Instead of having a positive perspective of the person, it can be easy to see them as someone who is not competent enough, and lacking in areas you deem important. Although the word “should” may seem minor, it’s the complete opposite of being thankful for the individual and for what they are successful at as a partner. This can easily cause turmoil and bitterness to develop for a relationship that will likely fail after a period of time.
Although it’s normal to have expectations of a partner, the expectations can often be unrealistic or out of reach. Women tend to have more needs than men, resulting in men feeling like it’s impossible for them to meet every request or demand from their partner. This often results in divorce due to two partners who do not feel respected or appreciated with the factors that they are actually strong in.
Would you please do as I asked?
What should be noted is the tone that is used when the dreaded word " should" is use. The Phrase "image is everything" come to mind as words combines with tone creates images in the mind of the person being addressed. Images of someones short comings are never appreciated. When a person is told things that they lack, their minds automatically go to images that they themselves may have doubts about, hearing it confirms it! You are reinforcing rtheir thoughts of short comings. Simple suggestions try substituting "should" with " could" and "would" . instead of "you should pay more attention," try ---> " Could you pay more attention".... or.... " I would appreciate it greatly if you could pay more attention" the reaction will automatically result in less resistance.
Why does it seem like Everyone’s happy and having fun except for you — at least, that’s the way Facebook makes marriage, people in relationships and most other normal parts of everyday life seem. It’s easy to blame Facebook, but this isn’t just a social media problem. For decades, and probably for centuries, we’ve been doing that thing that people love to do: putting our best faces forward and sweeping all the unpleasant stuff under the rug. It’s not Facebook’s fault (although there is an admitted overload of happy dating, happy engagement and happy marriage posts on the news feed). It’s just human nature. There is something important to understand about everyone’s favorite social media website, and it’s something that’s taken me years to grasp for myself. Research has proven that comparing yourself to other people on Facebook can lead to unhappiness. Add to that the fact that people who constantly post about their relationships on Facebook might be the most insecure and unhappy (as we’ve long suspected), and you can read the writing on the wall. What you see on Facebook and what people tell you about their marriages in real life is probably not even close to the truth. Every couple has frustrations. Most couples have some core struggles they continue to deal with, and quite a few have skeletons in their closets. The more that we talk about this aspect of relationships — the not-so-warm-and-fuzzy stuff that isn’t likely to make it to the Facebook feed — the more we can accept how ordinary and awesome and annoying marriage really is. If you’ve ever felt any of these real-life feelings in your marriage, you’re in good company. the following are Normal marital emotions no one’s talking about: 1. Anger
Are really angry with me? or is it an act?
Those who have been married for more than a day know this was coming — anger is one of the most common emotions that married couples experience. They feel anger towards their partner for many underlying reasons. We will see this most often as anger as a secondary emotion which covers up how we are really doing. Another very common emotion is irritation, where things that used to seem endearing do not feel that way anymore. Last is what would border on hate. Do you hate them? Of course not. However, you have moments that you feel that way, where the person disgusts us, and we wonder how we ever loved this person. Sound familiar? Luckily, most of the times these feelings pass, and the person hopefully remembers why they fell for them in the first place.
I can't believe you are asleep already! Seriously?
2. Disappointment One of the biggest realizations that comes with a long-term marriage is the letdown. Having a lifelong partner is a wonderful thing, but it also brings with it equal parts frustration and panic — until you begin to accept that it’s just not possible for one person to meet your every need for the rest of your life. You realize your spouse isn’t your everything. It’s a disappointment, and a coming of age moment when you realize that you can’t rely on your spouse for everything. The symbiotic bubble is broken. The sooner you realize that you need support beyond your spouse — friends, family, work colleagues — and that they fill roles your husband can’t and shouldn’t, you’re ready for a much happier, healthier marriage. 3. Fear Ah, the dreaded f-word that comes up in every marriage, sooner or later. No matter how compatible or in love you may be, it’s perfectly normal to fear at least once that you have made a mistake in marrying your spouse, Fear that 'this' is as good as it gets.This is more common with younger couples who, prior to getting married, had very flexible, fun and carefree lives. It can be hard to go from that lifestyle to being married without drawing false conclusions about things like down time and disagreements about what is fun. Example: Female married Male, and the last two times she has asked him to go out with her and her friends or to host a party, he was not interested. She gets into panic mode and makes the assumption that this will always be how it is, What did I do? Am I going to be a homebody the rest of my adult life? this was mistake. 4. Frustration
I so want out of this mess
Frustration is no new thing in a relationship, especially in a long-term partnership where you have been sharing the same four walls for several years. But according to Armstrong, many of the most common marital frustrations all boil down to communication, or the lack thereof: “Frustration with communication comforts are actually fairly common, and they are often the hardest to resolve. He will argue that he's just having fun, and he will tell her to lighten up. She will argue that a married couple should not have to walk on eggshells with each other. In either case, emotional intelligence is key, but the first part of emotional intelligence is self-awareness and self-management. Are we aware of how our communication lands on the other person and are we willing/able to adjust based on that?” 5. Grief Here’s one raw marital emotion that you can bet you’ll never see on your Facebook feed: grief. Grieving change and the death of the “picture-perfect” marriage you expected on your wedding day is a totally normal and totally healthy part of personal growth within a committed relationship. Some of the newly married couples I have seen with feel grief after getting married — the letdown after the wedding as there isn't a big event to look forward to — just every-day-ness,” For some that have been married for a long time, grief might be associated with the loss of how the couple used to be (such as after having kids and giving up the freedoms to do so). 6. Restlessness
Why don't relationships come with a satisfaction Guaranteed agreements?
The proverbial seven-year itch no longer applies to marriages of the new millennium. These days, restlessness and impatience in a marriage can happen at almost any time since people are getting married less frequently and at later ages. And once they do get married, most people have held off on marriage for so long that their first thought is: “I got married for this?!” Like many other waves in the marital sea, restlessness is a common reaction to long-term commitment that will continue to ebb and flow at different stages in a relationship. The bottom line
Remember when I used to spin you around on the dance floor?
This long list of unpleasant marital emotions may seem depressing at face value, but the big takeaway here is that these are feelings that every couple experiences, if they’re willing to be honest about it. Adjusting your expectations and knowing that it’s normal to want to kill and kiss your spouse within the same day are part of what make a long-term marriage work. I tell people all the time that they only see the ‘Facebook’ version of the couple. This altered and only happy times, that is not possible to sustain 100 percent of the time. I let them know that even those ‘perfect’ looking people get mad, irritated, yell, think they hate each other on some days and say things they are not proud of. While the good days might outweigh the bad by far, no couple is beyond these feelings and incidents.
I should have bought you flowers, when I was your man
Meeting new people is one of the best things in life. Every significant other, friend, coworker, neighbor or acquaintance you have was once just a stranger. And when you first met that stranger, you couldn’t have had any idea that you’d form the relationship you currently enjoy......or could you have? It’s impossible to learn everything you need to know about someone the first time you meet unless you have some sort of telepathic insight. But there are some questions you can ask that will give you a deeper, more accurate picture of someone than others.
Certainly, simple questions, like “Are you new here?” during a networking event, or, “Why did you leave your last place of residence?” a personal interview will likely give you some necessary information. But they're not enough; they don’t tell you about the personality of the person you’re talking to.
The following five questions, in stark contrast, do. They’re designed to not only give you more direct information about the stranger or acquaintance you’re talking with, but also suggest profound insights about these people's personalities as a whole:
1. How would you describe yourself?
Hmmm how do I answer that ?
At first glance, this question might seem like probing into a person's soul. The goal is to get a person to reveal his/her personality through secondary means, so isn’t asking this question a kind of shortcut? Well, yes and no -- it’s all about the ambiguous phrasing, “How would you describe yourself?” rather than, “What’s your personality like?” or, “What do most people think of you?” Notice that there’s no cue here. You’re not asking a person to describe himself/herself physically, professionally, emotionally or any other specific way.
I want my figure to reflect that I'm athletic!
Instead, pay attention to the attributes your interviewee chooses to use to disclose first, and how extreme his or her word choices seem to be. Shy or meek people tend to choose humbler words like “observant” or “recreational,” while exuberant or extroverted people choose more powerful words like “smart” or “athletic.”
2. What are your biggest accomplishments?
I'm an Entrepreneur and a Mom.
This one gives you one critical piece of insight into a person’s past, but also tells you two subtle things about his or her personality. First, it shows where this individual's biggest interests lie; again, the question is ambiguous, so does he or she respond with a professional accomplishment or a personal one?
Also, how long ago did this accomplishment happen? How does he/she act in bringing it up? Next, how long did it take to think of it? If this "accomplishment" comes only after a long hesitation, that could be a sign of either many or few past accomplishments. You’ll have to probe deeper to find out.
3. Have you read any good books lately?
I just down loaded a great book, would you like a copy? I can drop off a hard-copy or email it to you.
The answers you’ll get here vary wildly. First, note the difference between readers and non-readers. You’ll get the occasional person who'll admit, “I don’t read books,” but more often, among non-readers, you’ll find people hesitating a long time before coming up with a book, or reverting to a classic high school or college text.
Among actual readers, you’ll find popular novel consumers, business and self-help readers, literature fans, pop science adherents and several other types.
4. What is your dream job?
“I' love hanging with my puppy Cuddles.”
The more ambiguous the question, the better it is. The question isn’t, “What do you want in your next job?” or, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” but, “What is your dream job?” A sycophant in a job interview might simply describe the job he or she is really want. Others may highlight creative pursuits. Still others will describe jobs that don’t exist (or are extremely rare), like “beer taster” or “puppy cuddler.”
Whatever the response, it will tell you whether someone’s given this a lot of thought or has never thought about it before.
5. Who is your personal hero?
I'll be your superman if you'll be my wonder woman!
This question gets you information that's a little more specific and more insightful -- through an obvious route. But I’ve found it a meaningful question to ask. You’ll find people who describe a family member or someone they knew in life; people who admire an athlete or pop culture celebrity; and people who look up to successful entrepreneurs or business-people. or even a fictional character.
You might be able to discern something about the intelligence or age of the person you’re talking to here, but more importantly, you’ll learn about his or her values. What is it that makes this "hero" stand out above anyone else who ever lived?
Men are clueless as to the worth of a good woman!
Overall, some of these questions are a little too forward to ask random strangers on the street, but once you’ve warmed up a new contact, feel free to break these out. How such people react, how they answer and how they phrase their answers will speak volumes about the type of person standing in front of you.
