Separate Bedrooms at the family home

 

 

Back in the day My girlfriend and I planned to visit her mother for a long weekend in Baltimore. She was upset because her mother told us we'll have to sleep in separate rooms, since we weren't  married.  My girlfriend was  suggesting that this was being done because she was younger than me by 2 years and that I was in her mothers eyes  taking advantage of her innocents.

Maybe we do have a habit of letting our mother push us around too much. I have no clue. But on the issue of separate rooms, there's not much you can do, and you don't have much of a leg to stand on. My lady and I  were traveling to her mother's home for thanksgiving, and since Mama pays the mortgage, she gets to create whatever rules she sees fit for her house. It's a dictatorship, not a democracy.
And this rule, about unmarried  adults not sharing a room, is pretty common for some  households. I'm sure there's at least one set of random parents who are like, "Sure! Sleep together!" but I haven't met them or heard of them yet.
The stories I do hear illustrate what extremes many  families take with this rule. For instance, after reading a query, I joked with my friends mother that my Lady  and I should be able to share a room the next  Thanksgiving, since, you know, we might  get married. Her response: "Was there a wedding ceremony that I didn't attend?" Bottom line: "put a ring on it and say your I do(s)" this  isn't good enough to share a bed in her home; only a marriage license grants permission.
I mentioned this story to a friend, who responded with a story about how her mother once told her own 60-something brother who was visiting with his live-in girlfriend that they had to sleep in separate rooms. Being an unquestionably grown man and all, who wanted to sleep next to his woman, he wasn't happy about that. But it was either abide by his sister's rules for her home, or don't visit and pay for a hotel. He went with his sister's rules.
I realize the "separate beds" rule was "a black thing" when I taped a relationship-panel segment from VH1... and plaid it back for some friends. The hostess asked whether sex in your parents' house was a "yea or nay,"   I was sitting with some friends and said "I thought all families, of all colors, operated that way." Everyone else was sort of shocked. "You can't sleep in the bed with your boyfriend when you visit your parents?!" They looked at me just as crazy as I was looking at them.
My friends   came from more liberal households, possibly like some of my nonblack friends from college whose parents thought nothing of them dating at 12, having opposite-sex sleepovers in high school or their boyfriends sharing the bed when they went home together on school breaks. That's not better or worse than how your mom operates, just different.
I explain to my girlfriend then that her mom had a more conservative outlook, my mother always had that outlook, and that the no-sleeping-together rule wasn't personal.  I threw out a story about the time when I brought a woman home to my apt. in NY when my mother was visiting  and the same rule applied (even though it was my apt). My mother and my mother-in-law and all Black mothers I know saw things the same way. If a woman  is really offended by your mother's rule, then there's always the option of doing what my friend's uncle didn't: Don't go, or get a hotel room. By staying put or heading to a hotel, you can sleep however you want and do whatever you want in that bed, without breaking Mama's rules under her roof.

I have your back, what does it really mean?

Take a look at how US special forces enter a building.

 



 If there is danger in the building they face the opposite directions (their backs are back to back) and they cover each other’s backs  by making sure no one can come up behind them from either side. They trust the other partners to fend off any attackers.

Contrary to the US special forces, couple turn their back when they are angry at each other. 

 Couples do that when they are so angry that the can't even look at each other. When they are happy they face each other with not problem. when one is angry and the other is groveling, it is obvious who is begging for forgiveness!

As gender  rolls have changed and females have more power. Men these days see woman as equals who does not need to be  catered to, our taken care of. This is the 21st century, the new normal is  who does that stuff anymore.' I'm here to tell you the guy who picked wisely and is willing to do some catering and doing the things that she likes is way happier than the guy who say she makes enough money  and is independent  so let her take care of herself. Now don't get me wrong if you are in relationship with a woman who is playing you then a man had a valid reason to  think : "hell no".  I remember a female telling me that women she knows go to her beauty shop. and would  call one dude on the phone  and tell him he needs to pay for her to get her hair done, then  she calls another dude and tells him she needs to pay for  her nails and toes. Now she is playing both of these guys for a fools. But she might get mad if one of her guys  spends money for groceries for his kids, that  he shares with an ex-wife or a baby-mama, because it is all about her.

So  guys be a  mind-full. She might just love you for being different than the rest. So teach her a little something, something about how a  real gentleman acts when he loves his lady. We were never given a handbook/playbook  to follow, so follow your best instincts. I for one can not explain what love is. You just have to feel it, and figure it out for yourself.  

If you have ideas that he/she is different it is in your best interest to treat the person with the consideration of not being typical. But then again if the people you choose has always been a typical "Mitch" or one with a "B" then you need to evaluate what it is you are doing that attracts these types.

Let's just say "opposite attracts," but "similar  values are priceless."
You can overcome great obstacles if your values are the same.  Are you confused yet?

OK, here is what may go wrong with the above scenario; if a man becomes too much of a caterer to his woman, he start having semi-respectful sex with her... which may lead to him having fantasies and wanting to be with  other women he does not have to have respectful sex with. And his woman may think: "why doesn't he grab me with more macho demands when  we are getting physical." woman may object to being handled too roughly, but too tenderly may become a turnoff also.... if it becomes  too  routinely mundane you are  skating on thin  ice. 

 Spontaneous combustion is not always gentle, she may need her man to have a nudge that will  get his attention and lead to passion and sparks. So be careful guys and gals too much mutual respect and too much equality  or catering to the other sex... may lead to dull not exciting relationships. Stella didn't get her groove on with a sweet  gentle gentleman that she met at a business convention, she wanted a rough rider, she wanted to find a beach boy to rock her world, so she went on a vacation to find what she needed..... in Jamaica.  A Fella never goes out and buy a two seater convertible car because he want his wife to put her hair down and put on that red dress.. he want to impress a new fine (maybe a Latina) lady he is planning to have a relationship with of non-stop sex. Therefore  He makes another investment in a mistress who will do the things be has been dreaming about for years. The dream is always better than reality, the price you pay for your dreams can be more than you can afford. the preverbal "grass is greener" can lead to trouble of another kind.

Folks Just Strike a balance in your relationships and figure out what is just right for you, and then change it, just a little bit, to see if you have been missing out on something, you both secretly have been wanting from each other.  That's right I read what women think is the perfect Husband. just in case I have another change at becoming a husband for long stretch.

 

 

 

  

 

  

From "it's Complicated to Awkward., to bazaar."

 

Shakespeare wrote about love not lust: "To be or not to be, that is the question!"

 

However in today’s World we fall in lust and we call it love, we go from infatuation  right to the messing up the sheets. Or even better yet, getting it on in the bathroom of a plane going 500 miles an hour, or even more bazaar, jumping into a taxi and going straight to hotel/motel Holiday Inn, Comfort Inn or worse yet getting freaky  in a  Mazda Miata  driving 100 miles an hour while taking selfies and texting ,or parking  under  the viaduct under an express-way in a bad area of town to score some drugs and get freaky, then you try to figure out why you screw-up when you get caught in a drug bust. Why can't folks  have normal  relationships? We barely know each others name when we jump each others bones. If we even really know each others real name, identity, status, background...Nationality or  real address......etc.

OK, Facebook's profiles can give us lots of information about the person, the day after   we had blind ... mind  blowing sex, and click "like" on their profile  picture  we go right into  changing our status to  ---in a relationship or it's complicated.  Then you  run into each other again and you feel slightly Awkward, or worse yet you  meet at the same place you had sex a few days later because  you receive a text message telling you: "let's  meet again, at our new special place."
But the crazy situation is that who you thought sent the text message, didn't send it... It's her or his significant other. You both are set up, now this is very Awkward.

Now the above  reads like a romance novel of passion, sex, and betrayal.... gone bazaar. But it's not  a novel it's your life. Playing out for a one night roll around in the sheets, fantasy gone crazy, turning into a Nightmare.

A few years ago this would  happen and people weren't able to track each-other using GPS, however today it might just be the new Normal. What has changed is the need for instant gratification, has turned into wild and spontaneous behaviors. The Amazing thing is that sex with strangers happened all the time during the Woodstock era, flower children, tattoos, drugs and freaky behaviors, but without social media. What was the then Normal, were  hip-huggers,  mini-skirts, Tie dye T-shirts with Peace signs . Oooh so history does Echo it's self, today's New  Normal is not new folks .  It's a repeat of past behaviors.

The only difference these days is technology which allows folks to track their significant other and  create complicated situations making them Awkward traceable using social media. Every hippie and flower child from the  1960's are now being duplicated by rappers/hip-hop want-to-be(s) , tattoo wearing, drug using, sex with  anyone and everyone you meet, is the same  irresponsible adolescent type people of back in their parents  day, re-enactment, today. This is a nightmare for those parents who are now thinking that the apples are rolling out into the World after falling not to far from the tree, into the future with the same type of wild behaviors, they indulged the same behaviors in previous century, but now their sons and daughters are living in world  with more dangerous consequences.

You see overdosing teens, are using a new version of the same types of drugs their  parents used in the previous century,  that made them want to jump from tall building thinking they were Spiderman. And Wonder-woman. Those folks  were re-enacting the comic books characters, now today they are re-enacting the video games(created from comic-books scripts). This is what happens when the New century   has the repeat DNA(s) of the previous century. Kids do what their parents or their grand parents  did---- without even knowing that they are behaving the same way, their parents were before they were born. Maybe if parents told their kids "the truth" on how they  screw-up and messed-up..... in their day, then maybe it would not seem so attractive to their kids.... Maybe not! think about it (kids don't want to be like their parents) how often do parents say my son is just like me when their kid screws up. they only say it during proud moments. He graduated from Harvard (just like me) or she has as beautiful voice ( just like I did) etc. So kids gone wild are so not like YOU?  

 

 

 

 

 

Trust is a two way street.

You can't just assume that a man will always be there to catch you. Even though a man "promises" to do what he can to protect a woman and he may have all the best intentions, in the beginning,  from time to time he will be late, in arriving to aid you. Women have one thought “he promised to be there” but they fail to understand that everything has a time-line. Yes, the man made the promise but he was standing next to you when he made that  promise, and as time passes men may not be at a woman's side or directly  behind her. Even if he's standing in front of her, he may not be quick enough (slower to react when you are testing him)  to catch you from falling.

When you declared yourselves “A Strong Independent Women” a man takes a hands off your daily needs approach. As you show him you can handle you problems and your successes he move a little to the left, Since you now you  have that idea that you are always “right.”  Men are not always willing to accept your new found independence, we may be modern minded enough to give you your space. So you can't lean back and expect the man to be standing directly behind you. You have to give him a heads up, first. Hey dude, are you directly behind me because I 'm leaning backwards” is what we need to hear, after all men are not good at reading a woman's mind.

 Think about what you are asking him to do....

・ first you say: " I can handle my business!"

・ then you say: “but I want you to back me up”,

・ then you say: “ My business is my business”

・ followed by stating: “I'm an independent strong self motivating female”,

・ then you declare you are a “feminist.”

 

these are signals that you have your own back covered..... to a man. So dialing back to  when you  both made the vows to honor, protect, and have each others back... somewhere during that time-line you decided that you didn't need him for most of what you are doing everyday.

He can anticipate your falling, but then, you might accusing him of  “wishing for you to fail” because if he had faith in your abilities he would not be standing so close when you start leaning like the tower of Pizza. Balancing on your high heels requires that you can pivot and regain your balance. This is hard to do. Because gravity is pulling as your swollen head had gotten heavier due to the road your have traveled, success after successful event. You are on a roll. Things have been going well, but things have a way of changing, the stock market may be up but sell-offs will be coming  soon as all markets correct sooner or later.  So ladies do what you always accuse men of not doing “communicate better” Don't Ass-U-me we men will be standing waiting for you to fall. Because we might be working on our own successful ventures.

After all as you are successful you don't want to be with a loser  hanging on waiting for you to bring home the bacon. You see men played the that roll of bringing home the bacon for many years.... we recognize what success looks like.... our egos make us become more driven to keep up with your success of even surpass your success. This is what you really want, because in the end what is your success will always be yours and what is the man's is also yours.

Heads-up equal partnerships in a relationships leads to less romance and less closeness. So be aware that you might be creating distance.    So Let us know when things stop going well, so that we can move back (riding in on our horse with our armor on) and be close enough to catch you when you begin to falling!

Just in case you are wondering where did you go wrong. Maybe this song might give you some hints.

 

Valentines day is coming up soon.

.

It's in your best interest to Remember:
A real man is there for his woman emotionally, physically and spiritually never leaving her side and having her back no matter how tough things are or get! A real man doesn’t betray, get angry or blame her causing her to leave because he does all the necessary things and more that makes you want to stay! A real woman appreciates his efforts never taking him for granted!

Keep It Simple Stupid

K-I-S-S

Kissing has also been proven to have many benefits, including the release of 'bonding' hormones, which makes each lover's face seem more attractive to the other!

Is she expecting a ring for V-day?

Why not make it interesting and have some fun in the process!

Send Her on a Scavenger Hunt

Orchestrate a serious day for  your  soon-to-be fiancée. have her follow clues and meet with family and friends, send  her shopping , with a stop at the spa—all on your tab!—and finally when she makes her way to your house. Stand in the yard and ask that question.

 

Take Her off  to a foreign place somewhere she has never been

After taking her on a trip  or on a cruise . —in part of a relaxing getaway—Get to the middle the dinner session , And tell her "let’s do this," but please don’t drop the ring over-board.

Put Some Labor Into It

Take a clue from  a guy who is creative. He decorated the backyard of his parents' house with photos from their travels, notes he gave her and also from their friends and family, and thoughts about their future—like  “I can’t wait to bring you coffee every morning” sign—before asking his girlfriend to marry him at the very end of the walk.

Surprise Her During a Sweat Session

When these two surfers went out on Thanksgiving morning for a regular A.M. session, Rob flipped around his board, which had the words "Will You Marry Me" written on it in big blue tape.

Make it Public

We’re not talking the Jumbotron, gentlemen. While in Paris, Amanda and Adam ventured to the Pont des Arts—the Love Lock Bridge—where Adam pulled out a lock that already had a message on it: "Amanda Will You Marry Me?"

Travel Across Borders

Smuggling a ring across continents—and through multiple security checkpoints—is no easy task. But others have traveled the world together for many years, from the depths of the Pacific Ocean to the top of Mayan temples. Where better to propose than at your version of the end of the Earth?


Of course these are my B.A.D. ideas come up with your own , or modify  the ones above to best make it look like it was your original idea!

Happy V-day.