Not Every woman Will Forgive Nor Forget. Be Very Careful Who You Hurt

 

 

Just admit it already that you are scum!

You can’t change all the people you encounter each day. However, you do have the choice in who you allow into your inner circle. You want to be with someone eager to forgive, knows how to have fun, and is there for you when you need it most.

You will blink your eyes, and the best years of your life will be behind you. Since time is so short, you don’t want to waste it on those who don’t value and respect you as a friend or lover . You must surround yourself with people who make you feel loved and appreciated.

After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us—as deeply and as excruciatingly—as we've been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.

There are actions, though, that you can take to can heal yourself. Every hurt has its own story, and so does every healing. But we can say this: You can heal yourself when you've filled the hole left behind by a betrayal, and you can heal the other person when you sincerely drop the need for revenge. 

Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. Love makes you merge with another person, able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality—and when that bond is ripped apart, it's as if you've lost half of yourself

So how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?

1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.

2. Don't indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don't act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are—or better.

3. Make room for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don't rely simply on letting time do it for you.

4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it—but promise yourself that you will fill it.

5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.

6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don't fixate on the past or what might have been.

7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.

It requires a good deal of objectivity to set about following such a program. Nothing is easier, of course, than doing the opposite, for example:

a. Dwelling obsessively on how you were wronged. Feeling exultant in our self-righteous pain.

b. Turning your pain into an ongoing drama.

c. Acting erratic and scattered, with no plan for getting better.

d Mourning your loss forever. Not looking honestly at the hole inside yourself because it is too painful or you feel too weak.

e. Talking to the wrong people about your woes. Seeking out those who keep agreeing with you and amplifying our resentment by egging you on.

f Idealizing the past. Obsessing over the good times that are gone.

g. Letting self-pity and regret dominate your state of mind.

This kind of behavior only makes a betrayal linger.

If you find yourself in the position of being the wronged party, sit down with these two seven-step programs in front of you. With a pen and paper, write down all the ways you are following the healing program and then the ways in which you are sticking with victimization one. Be candid and objective. It is healing in itself to write down how you are really doing, because the key to psychological healing is self-awareness.

The two lists—and choices—may be in stark contrast, but real life is blurry around the edges. One day you are on the right track; the next day you are a train wreck. The key is to keep being kind to yourself. You know you are being kind when you begin to feel kind toward the one who betrayed you. I know that sounds impossible when your pain is acute, but you can't be kind to yourself unless that feeling of ease, acceptance, tolerance and nonjudgment extends beyond your self-interest. Otherwise, kindness is simply a mask for egotism. The idea of "I'm getting better; I hope he rots in hell" is an unresolvable contradiction.

In the end, when you reach that state of being healed, you will see how fortunate you are. As horrible as betrayal is, forgiveness belongs to those who know how to love in the first place, and you are one of them.

Understand Sting of Betrayal

Have you been betrayed because you allowed someone to get SO very close to you, and they misused your trust?  

Some of the more common ones you might encounter are:

Anger – you’ve been hurt and one of the most natural feelings in such situations is anger. “How dare they?! How could they?! They’ll pay for this!”

Sadness – you might become very low, weepy even when you discover a betrayal. This might be because you feel a sense of loss; a loss of trust, a loss of the person you thought they were, a loss of the happy memories you have of them, a loss of the future you saw with them.

Surprise – yes, you are probably shocked to find out that this person or persons have betrayed you. You might not have had any inkling that this was likely.

Fear – you may worry about the consequences of this betrayal. It might mean major upheaval in your life and these unknowns scare you.

Disgust – you can’t even bear to think about it or them because it makes your stomach churn.

Insecurity – you may question yourself and doubt whether you are worthy of love and care. After all, the person who betrayed you clearly felt you weren’t.

Shame – you may blame yourself and feel ashamed by what has happened and how others may now see and treat you.

 

lets und

Women don't always love the fact that their children looks like their fathers

 

I wanted my child to look like me!

Though we might be drawn to people who have physical commonalities with us and therefore our parents, findings say this claim is far from scientific.  Time and time again, we’ve heard the assertion that we’re attracted to partners who look like one of our parents. The, rather uncomfortable, theory was originally put forth more than a century ago by Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud who dubbed it the Oedipus complex in males. An analogous theory proposed by Carl Jung is known as the Electra complex in females. The theories suggest that all boys between the ages of three and five sexually desire their mothers and that little girls covet their fathers. 

Today, Freud's Oedipus complex and Jung’s Electra complex serve as textbook examples of poorly devised notions according to scientific criteria, ones that often draw scorn during psychology lectures. It is, therefore, important to be skeptical of any research that claims these ideas to be fact.

An example is a study in which Scottish researcher David Perrett of the University of St. Andrews found that men often favor women who resemble their mother when choosing mates. Similarly, the study showed that women prefer male faces that resemble their fathers. These findings were later reported in a 2002 New Scientist magazine article titled “Like Father Like Husband."

Upon closer examination of the study, the interpretation that was offered by scientists and in the piece in New Scientist seems questionable. During the study, researchers presented subjects with photos of strange men and women for a fraction of a second. What the participants didn't know was that among the photos they were shown was a photo of themselves altered to look like that of the opposite sex—feminized or masculinized versions of themselves. Participants found these altered photos particularly attractive, and researchers believed this was because the pictures reminded test subjects of their mothers or fathers. 

The explanation of the researchers, however, wasn’t necessarily in line with Freud's idea. In these faces, subjects recognized the physical and behavioral appearance of their own opposite-sex parent as it was when the participants were still babies. While such findings can be taken as an indication of possible sexual imprinting, where a young person develops preferences for a mate by using a parent model, this interpretation. The explanation of the researchers, however, wasn’t necessarily in line with Freud's idea. In these faces, subjects recognized the physical and behavioral appearance of their own opposite-sex parent as it was when the participants were still babies. While such findings can be taken as an indication of possible sexual imprinting, where a young person develops preferences for a mate by using a parent model, this interpretation has a catch: a partner who looks like our parents, looks similar to ourselves. After all, on average, we share 50 percent of our genetic material with our mothers and 50 percent of our genetic material with our fathers. That means we can inherit a variety of traits, like hair and eye color, from our parents.

Research has also shown numerous external characteristics are demonstrably more important for emotional evaluation and partner choice. These include youthfulness and health, especially the appearance of skin; gender-typical characteristics such as an angular chin or large eyes; and the absence of negatively perceived characteristics such as strong asymmetry or obesity. When, in a 2015 PLOS ONE study, researchers asked a group of 44 heterosexual males to rate the attractiveness of 266 Spanish female  students based on their photos, they found that facial symmetry was deemed attractive. This metric has been found to be perceived as a measure of youthfulness and health, a potential signifier of fertility.

Beyond physical characteristics, similarities like comparable education level, social environment, worldview, value systems and lifestyles tend to promote mutual attraction. Or, as the saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” It should be noted though that a partner who resembles us in these characteristics also tends to resemble our parents, precisely because we ourselves have a lot in common with our mothers and fathers. However, this connection may simply be too trivial to draw meaningful conclusions and produce headlines.

Dad everyone say I look like you!

My final thoughts:

My observation is today where so many women who do not like their fathers how do they find happiness with a man who remind them of the father they did not like.

 

I Don't want to be alone is a problem for some folks

Sorry I believe we were not meant to be together

Dating these days is hard because single people are afraid of bad relationships. Let’s face it – things are a lot different than they used to be. Societal values have changed dramatically, and technology has revolutionized the dating scene (and not necessarily for the better).

Even worse, chivalry seems like it’s dying if not already dead, but many modern women don’t mind since they feel more liberated than they did so many decades ago. That leaves men confused and women who like chivalry feeling like they’re missing out.

While all these modern-day changes may be good for humans’ advancement, it’s not necessarily the best for dating. You may have noticed this already, especially if you’re reading this article. People are confused when it comes to dating – they’re afraid of a lousy relationship, but they’re also afraid of being alone, so they settle for someone who doesn’t meet their standards. This results in lots of relationship problems.

What keeps a person in a bad relationship?

Many people stay in toxic relationships for various reasons. They think that being alone is worse, so they deal with unhappiness and/or abuse. Here are three reasons people stay in bad relationships.

You think there has to be someone better.

I'm heading to the beach maybe some might be there that I can be attracted to.

Dating is hard. Finding someone that is compatible is like looking for a needle in a haystack. It’s so difficult that it can feel like there are no good prospects out there. When you feel this way, it can be scary to give up a partner that you’ve already snagged off the market, even if the person is unhappy in the relationship.

Thoughts of everything you have been through can be stifling. You may feel like it’s impossible to find yet another partner to create memories with. It may seem like so much work to have to do it all over again.

The thought of going through the dating process all over again can seem tedious, especially if you already think there aren’t good prospects anyway. There is just no motivation to do better when you feel that there isn’t anyone better. You might give up on the idea of being in a happy relationship.

You must change this way of thinking if you’re ever going to be happy. It’s not easy, but you must believe that there is someone better out there.

Relationship coach Jordan Gray suggests that the best way to meet someone better is to be better. Work on improving yourself, and you’ll ultimately run into someone better than your ex. Just remember, you need to leave the current lousy partner as soon as possible because you’ll never find that someone if you are stuck with the wrong one.

You feel that you don’t deserve better.

Perhaps you aren’t concerned that you can’t find someone better. It could be that you feel like you are unworthy of someone better.  feelings of not deserving better come from things that have happened in a person’s past that influences their outlook, or “in-look,”

Something in a person’s past makes them feel like they should be in a bad relationship. Another way to look at it is that something in their past also makes them afraid to be alone, so they stay with a lousy partner.

 this isn’t uncommon. Everyone holds on to something from their past that makes them feel undeserving in some way. For some people, it manifests in the form of staying in a toxic relationship.

It can be hard to change this pattern, but the first step to change is to realize you need to change. For this to happen, it may take an outside influence to help you see the issues you are dealing with.

You may be financially dependent on your partner.

When you get most or all your financial support from someone, it can be terrifying to even think about leaving. The world is expensive and getting pricier by the minute. Good intentions don’t pay bills.

It can be tough to strike out on your own when you have no money, support, or resources. In fact, it can be crippling, which is precisely why you would stay in a bad relationship. However, this doesn’t mean you are stuck. It just means you need to prepare to struggle a little bit, and you need to get creative.

Here is why you shouldn’t be afraid to be alone.

Psychologists agree that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. In fact, it might be rejuvenating for a person to focus on themselves. Here are some reasons you should embrace being alone.

You can focus on building yourself up.

Being in a lousy relationship can do a number on your self-esteem. Your confidence may have hit the floor, and you might be at the end of your rope. When you are single, it’s so much easier to get your self-esteem back. This is because you don’t have some lousy partner eating away at your self-love.

If it helps, don’t think of being single as being alone. Think of it as you are dating yourself. Get to know yourself. Find out what you like – what makes you tick. Take yourself on nice dates and buy yourself nice gifts. Make yourself happy. Fall in love with yourself.

When you love yourself, you won’t ever have to worry about being in a bad relationship again. Your self-esteem and self-worth will be so high that no one can bring it down.

You’ll have room in your life for the partner of your dreams.

If you’re in a relationship, you aren’t going to be able to meet the right person for you. The right person will have too much respect for your relationship to deal with you. That’s exactly what you want – someone who respects boundaries.

Don’t miss your Mr. or Mrs. Right because you’re trying to hold on to someone who is obviously so wrong. It’s scary, but you must believe that there are good, worthy people out there that can make you happy. You also need to make sure that you’ve healed from dealing with the wrong person so that you don’t let those old feelings affect your new relationship.

You can believe that it’s okay to be alone.

People seem to give the status of “alone” or “single” such a negative connotation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attached. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be attached.

Society tends to make people think they should be dating by a certain age, married by a certain age, and have kids by a certain age. At one point in history, this may have been the norm, but now it’s not. People are more focused on themselves and their careers than ever before.

People are more interested in living life to the fullest before settling down, and that’s okay. If you take the time to fully focus on the things you want to do in life before you settle down, you won’t have any regrets later in life. You won’t feel trapped, and you won’t feel unfulfilled.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into believing something is wrong with you for wanting to be alone. Embrace all that being alone has to offer.

You’ll discover what you really want in a partner.

Being in a lousy relationship can sometimes cause you to have on blinders. You’ll be so consumed with emotions from dealing with your partner that you don’t have time to think about what you really want. Sure, you may wish that your partner did certain things or acted a certain way, but when you’re so emotionally invested in a situation like this, it can be hard to think clearly.

Being single allows you to focus on what you genuinely want in a relationship. The freedom you’ll have lets you truly get in touch with your feelings. You’ll have the added benefit of dating – even if it’s hard – and this can help you discover all the traits you don’t want in a partner.

Final Thoughts on Being Alone Instead of in 

a Bad Relationship

Humans are naturally social creatures, so it’s no surprise that people really don’t want to be alone. However, being alone doesn’t mean you have to be alone forever. Being alone can be a period of enlightenment that helps you grow and become a better person.

One thing is for certain – you shouldn’t stay in a bad relationship out of fear of being alone. No one benefits from a lousy relationship, not even the person that’s making the relationship lousy. If you’re in this situation, the best thing you can do is embrace being alone so that you can have a bright and loving future with the right one. In the end, you’ll be glad you faced your fear.

 

I never promised you a rose garden

She wants you to treat her like a trophy

 Last week, I took a sales class for a business concept. The first thing the instructor did was ask if anyone had been the victim of a bad sales experience.  Every person in the room raised their hand.

When he probed for details, we learned that the negative situations had one thing in common.  It seemed that whenever a class member had a bad sales experience, it involved the seller promising something he wouldn’t or couldn’t deliver. If you have data on your client ahead of time you can do a better job selling a product

Consider Whether You Have the Authority to Make the Promise

Before you assure a woman that you can get something done, make sure that you can someone else isn’t going to step in and force you to abandon your plan.

Consider If It Depends On Fate

You don’t want your reputation to depend on if the weather holds up or traffic is light.  You are not God, so don’t lead people to believe that you control the universe.

Consider If You Have Been Set Up To Fail

Pay attention to rules or policies you are asked to enforce or deals you are asked to make.  Do not allow yourself to be put into a situation in which you have to sell an item worth 99 cents for 99 dollars.  You will let the customer down every time.

Consider a History of Biting Off More Than You Can Chew

In the interest of pleasing others, do you consistently overextend yourself and agree to more than you are capable of doing or deadlines you can’t possibly make?   Recognize that leaving people in a lurch is much worse than declining to help in the first place.

Consider If You Could Use An Extra Push

The most critical step in solving any problem is to admit that there is a problem.  Maybe you are just one of those people who mean well but needs to be constantly reminded of commitments.  If this is the case, consider a real or virtual assistant or a more detailed e-calendar that ensures timely follow up on promised items.

Many times, one partner believes the other has committed to a promise when the other does not remember doing so. Or one partner may think that he or she was very clear about a particular agreement, and the other heard a very different message.

Even with texting, many people read something on their phone that was either not intended as it sounded or could be interpreted differently than it was meant. Sometimes what is very important to one partner may be insignificant to the other.

“Unclear Agreements

Many times, one partner believes the other has committed to a promise when the other does not remember doing so. Or one partner may think that he or she was very clear about a particular agreement, and the other heard a very different message.

Even with texting, many people read something on their phone that was either not intended as it sounded or could be interpreted differently than it was meant. Sometimes what is very important to one partner may be insignificant to the other.

2. Passive-Aggressive

Passive-aggressive people are likely to agree to anything their partner asks for in the moment, but have a plethora of ready excuses when they don’t come through, which unfortunately tends to happen on a regular basis. Even when they know they will not be able to or even want to do what the other partner asked, they'll still continue promising they will.

The people who readily promise but rarely come through strongly argue that they absolutely intended to do what they’ve agreed upon, but that unexpected things just always come up. They never admit or agree that they are, once again, likely to disappoint their partners, and can’t understand why their good intent is not enough to be forgiven. They cannot see that they were never likely to follow through, but didn’t want to recognize their own limitations.

“You know that I always and absolutely want to make you happy, 

and I do everything I can to do whatever you ask. 

Other things just get in the way. I don’t mean to upset you.

 You just need to understand that I can’t always do what I promised. 

It has nothing to do with not wanting to.

 I never mean to disappoint you, honey. You know that.”

3. Self-Delusion

Many people who repeatedly let their partners down are genuinely not able to predict their own availability or resources. They absolutely mean that they will be there at a certain time, do what is asked, change their behaviors, or pick something up before a store is closed.

Perhaps besieged with too many obligations, too few resources, or an inability to recognize their own limitations, they often just cannot adequately predict their own limitations. They may become consumed with their own failures and desperately want their loved ones to just look the other way.

“I’m so careful to write down everything you want from me. I really believe I’ll get things done, but I always seem to run out of time. I promise I’ll do better in the future. Maybe I just trying to do too much.”

4. Fear of Saying “No”

There are people who, for reasons of insecurity, fear of being disliked, or expecting to be rejected if they said what they really feel, just can’t tell their partner that they don’t want to do what the other asks.

Even when a request seems too demanding, those partners feel like the requests are automatic obligations. These people cannot set clear boundaries, because putting themselves first is just not an option. When they are unable to comply, they feel terrible about themselves and plead with the other to forgive them this one time.

5. Avoiding Criticism in the Moment

There are intimate partners who expect total compliance with any request and are often married to people who cannot bear being told they are inadequate in any way. This unfortunate pairing tends to repeat the same patterns of one partner asking too much, and the other unwilling to admit they don’t want to comply, because they can’t take criticism of any kind.

These partners behave as if they are obligated to serve without question. If and when they cannot perform as they promised, their excuses must be extraordinarily plausible to avoid being seen as a bad person in any way. When confronted with a mishap, their first defense is to blame the other.

“I did seven out of the eight things you asked, perfectly.
The eighth was impossible to do in one day.
Anyone with the correct information would have known that.
Why do you ask things of me that no one could have done in the way you specified? Just so you can find
the one thing I failed at?”