I never promised you a rose garden

She wants you to treat her like a trophy

 Last week, I took a sales class for a business concept. The first thing the instructor did was ask if anyone had been the victim of a bad sales experience.  Every person in the room raised their hand.

When he probed for details, we learned that the negative situations had one thing in common.  It seemed that whenever a class member had a bad sales experience, it involved the seller promising something he wouldn’t or couldn’t deliver. If you have data on your client ahead of time you can do a better job selling a product

Consider Whether You Have the Authority to Make the Promise

Before you assure a woman that you can get something done, make sure that you can someone else isn’t going to step in and force you to abandon your plan.

Consider If It Depends On Fate

You don’t want your reputation to depend on if the weather holds up or traffic is light.  You are not God, so don’t lead people to believe that you control the universe.

Consider If You Have Been Set Up To Fail

Pay attention to rules or policies you are asked to enforce or deals you are asked to make.  Do not allow yourself to be put into a situation in which you have to sell an item worth 99 cents for 99 dollars.  You will let the customer down every time.

Consider a History of Biting Off More Than You Can Chew

In the interest of pleasing others, do you consistently overextend yourself and agree to more than you are capable of doing or deadlines you can’t possibly make?   Recognize that leaving people in a lurch is much worse than declining to help in the first place.

Consider If You Could Use An Extra Push

The most critical step in solving any problem is to admit that there is a problem.  Maybe you are just one of those people who mean well but needs to be constantly reminded of commitments.  If this is the case, consider a real or virtual assistant or a more detailed e-calendar that ensures timely follow up on promised items.

Many times, one partner believes the other has committed to a promise when the other does not remember doing so. Or one partner may think that he or she was very clear about a particular agreement, and the other heard a very different message.

Even with texting, many people read something on their phone that was either not intended as it sounded or could be interpreted differently than it was meant. Sometimes what is very important to one partner may be insignificant to the other.

“Unclear Agreements

Many times, one partner believes the other has committed to a promise when the other does not remember doing so. Or one partner may think that he or she was very clear about a particular agreement, and the other heard a very different message.

Even with texting, many people read something on their phone that was either not intended as it sounded or could be interpreted differently than it was meant. Sometimes what is very important to one partner may be insignificant to the other.

2. Passive-Aggressive

Passive-aggressive people are likely to agree to anything their partner asks for in the moment, but have a plethora of ready excuses when they don’t come through, which unfortunately tends to happen on a regular basis. Even when they know they will not be able to or even want to do what the other partner asked, they'll still continue promising they will.

The people who readily promise but rarely come through strongly argue that they absolutely intended to do what they’ve agreed upon, but that unexpected things just always come up. They never admit or agree that they are, once again, likely to disappoint their partners, and can’t understand why their good intent is not enough to be forgiven. They cannot see that they were never likely to follow through, but didn’t want to recognize their own limitations.

“You know that I always and absolutely want to make you happy, 

and I do everything I can to do whatever you ask. 

Other things just get in the way. I don’t mean to upset you.

 You just need to understand that I can’t always do what I promised. 

It has nothing to do with not wanting to.

 I never mean to disappoint you, honey. You know that.”

3. Self-Delusion

Many people who repeatedly let their partners down are genuinely not able to predict their own availability or resources. They absolutely mean that they will be there at a certain time, do what is asked, change their behaviors, or pick something up before a store is closed.

Perhaps besieged with too many obligations, too few resources, or an inability to recognize their own limitations, they often just cannot adequately predict their own limitations. They may become consumed with their own failures and desperately want their loved ones to just look the other way.

“I’m so careful to write down everything you want from me. I really believe I’ll get things done, but I always seem to run out of time. I promise I’ll do better in the future. Maybe I just trying to do too much.”

4. Fear of Saying “No”

There are people who, for reasons of insecurity, fear of being disliked, or expecting to be rejected if they said what they really feel, just can’t tell their partner that they don’t want to do what the other asks.

Even when a request seems too demanding, those partners feel like the requests are automatic obligations. These people cannot set clear boundaries, because putting themselves first is just not an option. When they are unable to comply, they feel terrible about themselves and plead with the other to forgive them this one time.

5. Avoiding Criticism in the Moment

There are intimate partners who expect total compliance with any request and are often married to people who cannot bear being told they are inadequate in any way. This unfortunate pairing tends to repeat the same patterns of one partner asking too much, and the other unwilling to admit they don’t want to comply, because they can’t take criticism of any kind.

These partners behave as if they are obligated to serve without question. If and when they cannot perform as they promised, their excuses must be extraordinarily plausible to avoid being seen as a bad person in any way. When confronted with a mishap, their first defense is to blame the other.

“I did seven out of the eight things you asked, perfectly.
The eighth was impossible to do in one day.
Anyone with the correct information would have known that.
Why do you ask things of me that no one could have done in the way you specified? Just so you can find
the one thing I failed at?”