Do You Still feel the need for marriage, these days?

 If you are In A Lasting, Fulfilling Relationship?

Back in 2002, R&B singer Brandy revealed to the world that she was married to her daughter’s father, Robert Smith. Two years later, when the truth came out that they weren’t legally married, Brandy stated that she and Smith instead had a “spiritual union and a true commitment to each other.”

Although many thought that the songstress describing her relationship with Smith as a “spiritual union” was just a bogus way to cover up her initial lie (which she told to avoid judgment over not being married before having a child), I couldn’t help but think, “Well, what if they did have a special bond and didn’t want to officially get married? Is that so BAD?” in my humble view marriage contracts can bond people together legally but they may never  have a  “spiritual union”  no matter how long they stay together.

When it comes to romantic relationships, society has wired us to believe that the ultimate endgame is marriage. Find a mate, date for a few years, get married, then move in together. That was believed to be the common order of things. However, recent research has shown that couples living together without being married are on the rise. Cohabitation has increased by about 900 percent in the last 50 years, according to Arielle Kuperberg, assistant professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. In fact, data from the 2012 Census showed that 7.8 million couples were living together without tying the knot, compared to just 2.9 million in 1996. And if I could recall correctly in the flower power.. hippy days it was "live together and don't do what  society expected"... rebellion.  

As much as I believed in the sanctity of marriage, this is why I got married.... I would never judge anyone for choosing to live with his or her partner in lieu of walking down the aisle, as a couple can have the same commitment toward each other without a ring as they would with one. Because when you think about it, if our ancestors, who couldn’t legally marry, jumped a broom to symbolize their lifelong commitment to one another, who says that a legal document can only solidify a relationship? According to my friend, who has been living with his girlfriend and seems to have a flourishing relationship after 14 years, it doesn’t.

“Past studies that compared those that are married and those that are cohabitating always

 found this sort of marriage benefit,” Mernitz said. “But even when we look at individuals 

who transition from a current cohabitation into marriage, that transition into marriage didn’t

really provide any additional emotional health benefits and we kind of thought it would.”

I grew up in the Caribbean and  N.E.USA, where cohabiting was, and possibly still is looked at as a serious error in judgment. I moved  my girlfriend in with me  before  we were engaged, with a wedding date set, and her parents my mother still shared their disapproval. Even though it made sense for us to move in together since she lived in with her parents and we needed to get things in order and see if we would last 25 years, which we did, my mom  still said, “Well you know what the Bible says…”

“Nope, actually I don’t.”

I didn’t really say that aloud, but I was thinking it…

When does God recognize a marriage? The Bible tells us how to treat our spouse but doesn’t explicitly mention when a marriage should commence. Maybe marriage begins when you have sex with someone, and in that case, living together would be okay and considered a marriage, just not a legal one.

Based on her research, Kuperberg said that it’s the readiness of the couple to take their relationship to the stage of sharing space that can cause the breakup, not actually living together. “What leads to divorce is when people move in with someone – with or without a marriage license – before they have the maturity and experience to choose compatible partners and to conduct themselves in ways that can sustain a long-term relationship.”

hmmm... this seem to be my case now!

Ironically, some people choose to simply live together and stay as they are for fear that they’ll break up after getting married, possibly putting additional pressure on the relationship once a new title is added. But others simply say that they don’t see marriage as a necessity, and choose not to tie the knot because they’re happy as they are.

Although I agree that each relationship should be tailored to the people in it, I do believe that in order to have longevity (the Oprah and Stedman kind??), a couple should make sure they are on the same page, especially if they don’t plan to get married one day.

In my opinion, there’s no right or wrong in living together before marriage, or just cohabiting, but make sure you both want the same thing, for a lifetime.

I do question who is really a BWWM - Beautiful Woman With Maturity

They Don’t Give Up Their Happiness

Mature women understand the importance of their happiness, and that if they are not happy in a relationship, they shouldn’t be in one. They are aware that their partner is a part of their happiness, and should be someone who can bring them happiness when they are feeling sad.
The strange thing about the above is that these women had mothers who stayed in long term relationships no matter how happy or unhappy they  were... But those women wher enot all very self sufficient. 

They Don’t Feel Like They Need To Always Be In Contact With Their Partner

Mature women do not need constant contact in their relationships, as they have their own busy lives. They are secure enough to trust their partner when they are not with them, and find non-stop emailing and texting to be a waste of their own time.

Hmmm, so who is the one doing most of the traveling here.... the above may be true, if the woman is traveling for her job  often, and her spouse is a guy who don't mind being the total care giver to their kids. But I'm not so sure the reverse is true ... when men travel a lot women are always a bit suspicious  if she does not hear from him every day. .....

They Don’t Let Their Partner Make All The Decisions

In a mature relationship both partners respect each other’s decisions. This can range from big decisions, such as getting married and having children, to smaller ones, like which restaurant to eat at tonight. Either way, your partner should always consider and respect your decisions – and vice versa!
You will get zero argument from me on this one!

 They Don’t Share Their Relationship With The World

Mature women understand the value of keeping their relationship between themselves and their partner. They dislike the idea of the world knowing their business, so they avoid discussing their arguments on social media and instead focus on communicating with their partner to solve the problem.
Yes indeed,  because they are  smart enough to know that their female friends are just waiting for a chance to get a good man... 

They Don’t Give Up Their Space

Mature women know that no matter how great their relationship is, they still occasionally need time alone. From going to the gym to curling up with a good book, mature women value their time alone and actively seek out ‘me-time’.
OK but if a man wants his "man cave" equal space... they, women, may not be so understanding... as they expect the man to be understanding  in their case!

I love BWWM - Beautiful Women With Maturity

Do you think you are mature in relationships? Relationships can come with their own unique struggles, but there are some things that are universally immature and worth avoiding for a happier relationship.

Check out some things mature women don’t do in Good-relationships.

1. They Don’t Sacrifice Other Relationships

Many people drift apart from their friends during a relationship. While this is understandable during the initial ‘honeymoon’ period, it is important to remember that that your friends and family have been in your life for far longer than your new partner. Mature women make sure they have a happy balance between all of their loved ones.
Now you might think that mature men have these same above qualities.. I'm here to explain why many men do not have the above qualities.... We guys have friends, that we ran with..... back in the day... and even when we have matured these friends may still be BAD boys. ...  this can lead us.. not so Bad man, astray easily ,once the war stories start at  the weekly happy hour. The  conversation can cause triggers of maybe I still got it......and there is that fine lady at the end of the bar looking alone...... I'll just say hello.

2. They Don’t Forget To Thank Their Partner

After you have been in a relationship for a while, it can be easy to forget to appreciate all of the little things that they do for you. Mature women realize that sharing your life with someone is a gift – so don’t forget to say please and thank you!
Yes, guys who have good manners continue to have good manner...  if a guy was a gentleman in his best days he will not change much.. unless it is not appreciated. 

3. They Don’t Give Up Financial Independence

No matter how well off your partner is, completely giving up your financial independence can actually mean giving up your independence. Mature women don’t have to ask their partner for everything – it makes them feel proud and happy to be able to buy things with their own money.

The above is a blessing and a curse, because men do give up their financial Independence once they have met the woman they settle down with. What's his becomes hers.... but not Vice Versa,in the above case.  

4. They Don’t Focus On Their Partner’s Bad Traits

Mature women try to focus on their partner’s best traits rather than the negative ones. They focus on the good things their partner does and says, and they try not to judge their partner for their flaws, instead understanding that they too have flaws.

Okay! I have not met that woman yet.... who does not remind a guy of his BAD habits or what ever BAD things  he does in her eyes...over the years!

5. They Don’t Give Up Their Dreams

Mature women understand that a great relationship doesn’t drag you down – instead, it should bring out the best in you. A good relationship encourages you to pursue your dreams, and a mature woman would struggle to be happy in a relationship if she stopped following her dreams.

Cool, I hesitate to comment on this one.... Men often alter their paths to please the woman in their lives... his dreams may remain in his subconscious mind.... but her priorities become more important to him .. if he want's to keep her happy.  

6. They Don’t Think Their Version Of Happiness Is The Only One

Mature women understand that everyone’s idea of happiness is different. If their partner enjoys space, they give it to them, and if they enjoy affection, they give them that instead. Most importantly, they do not make assumptions about how to make their partner happy.
LOL, I must have not met her yet!

7. They Don’t Give Up Their Self Respect

It is normal to change slightly during a relationship, but mature women don’t allow their relationships to take away their self-respect. They don’t allow their partners to speak to them negatively or condescendingly – they expect their partner to treat them just as well as everyone else in their life.

Yes I agree.... but is it always mutual?  My experience with her tone of voice of tell a slightly different story... implying condescention to their man. 

8. They Don’t Take “I Love You” Lightly

Mature women understand the importance of those three words, so they work hard to keep the words special, no matter how long they have been with their partner. They don’t say ‘I love you’ at the end of every conversation – instead they say it at the right moments, to show their partner how much they appreciate them.

I can agree..... however it is also a way of putting a man on the spot.... if he is not being reciprocal then he is no longer viewed as her true love! 

this is what true love looks like!

You Can Help Who You Love! Really?

There’s a nice song by R&B singer Ledisi titled “Can’t Help Who You Love.”The lyrics include, “You can’t help who you love/You can’t know whose at fault/The heart lives in a world of it’s own no control/You can’t help who you love!” While I’m sure the song is for entertainment purposes only. Based on the idea that you have no control over who you fall in love with is a popular one. But if you ask me, this is absolutely false. You have many people who argue that love is simply a feeling, albeit a strong one. Here’s the problem with that theory. Let’s say you meet a nice, attractive woman. You exchange numbers and talk (not just text) a lot. Eventually, you can’t wait to hang out with her and do so several times a week. Over the next few months you both grow this intense attraction to each other and find yourselves falling in love, or you just think you are. Things are going well until you have that one first huge argument, trust is challenged or boredom starts to set in. Regardless of how you think you  feel for each other, the decision to stay in the relationship is introduced, and it can be a final decision.... unless you get real with what it is you really want from this person and what you want for this person. 
In her matron of honor speech, my best friends wife told my ex-wife and I to “choose love” when things got tough in our marriage or when we want to walk away. Of course, we loved each other, but making it a priority to choose to love each other on a daily basis, even when we’re upset, is another component that is solely based on our daily actions. These are actions that are not fueled by an emotion in the moment, but rather, by keeping in mind the love that we have for one another and the desire to make it work. To love someone is a choice!

The fact  that even choosing to be polite to your partner can be the difference between a long-lasting relationship and one that can quickly disintegrate.
Relationships are made up of hundreds or thousands of daily micro-interactions where you have the opportunity to be positive and supportive to your partner, or to be dismissive and uninterested. 

So what happens when you do meet that special someone who makes your heart flutter and your skin glow? It’s not just feelings, it’s science.

this is due to  a chemical reaction!

In one of her TED talks, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher describes an experiment that she performed on the brains of people who were in love. What she found was that “Romantic love is not emotion, it’s a drive.”

What happens when a person has an affair? Did they not choose to put themselves in a position to fall in love with someone else? They did. They could help it....YEAH RIGHT! Are they held captive to their feelings for the person that they are sneaking around with? I think not. Whether it’s an emotional affair or a physical one, a person has made the choice, every time, to sleep with another individual or to divulge personal information.

When discussing the reasons people cheat, romantic love, along with attraction and attachment, involve “overlapping but separate brain systems.” As was  told on CNN in 2012, “It’s not hard for somebody to sexually desire one person, be infatuated with another, and still want to spend the rest of his or her life with a third. But once again, it’s all about a choice, and we control the choices we make.

If loving someone was solely based on emotions and chemistry, the number of marriages would plummet, even more than they have, and the divorce rate would climb to a point that there would be no need for stats, as people would jump ship at the first sign of the smallest issue. So for those of us in healthy (in my case no longer) relationships, you must continue to choose love, even when you’re feeling less than in love with the way your partners are at times. Love can be great and exciting when it’s with the right person, but feelings are fleeting. You can always help who you fall in love with, just as you can always help who you stay in love with, also.

Are you Doing things to get him excited ..?

If you like to Call the Shots in your relationships  things can get hairy when you meet someone that is your match.... what does this mean personalities are just that ... however two dominant personality can clash big time, as they can compliment and please each other. 

How do you find ways to make it work?  

Put Your Love for the other person  on Top of the list.

Let's go with  a few suggestions from some  experts: 
 Fantasy Play. Cuddle up on a lonely park bench and tell him your deepest, sexiest fantasies. Get specific. Where are you? How is the mood? What position are you in? Where are his hands? Where is his mouth?

We Miss You. Send a steamy photo of yourself  partially topless to your over-worked boyfriend, putting in late hours at the office. Let the caption read, "Bet you haven't seen these in a while!"

Laundry Day. Put a sexy spin on laundry day and take a cue from Eartha Kitt in "Boomerang" when you tell your man, "I don't have any panties on." Watch him loose it
. 'Umm this still kind of creeps me out, even thinking about Eartha Kitt in her later years that way....'

Anytime, Anyplace. The next time you and your guy are at a friend's house party, take him into the spare bedroom and tell him how badly you want him right here and right now. Show a little skin to let him know you mean business.

Bathroom Buddies. Corner your new guy while you're out at a party and whisper, "The bathroom downstairs is unoccupied," with a flirty grin. That's all the dirty talk he'll need to start a steamy restroom make out session.

Game Time. As silly as it sounds, men often just want to hear you talk about what's going on in the moment. Fill in the blanks: "Your big ____ is ______ to my ________."

Design of the Times. After your next beauty appointment, lean into your man and tell him, "I got a new design with my bikini wax. I can't wait to show it to you."

Tonight It's All About Me. Take charge with your dirty talk. Tell him what you want him to do to your body, how you want it and make sure he follows instructions. For example: "I want you to lay me down on the bed, kiss my neck, move a little lower, a little lower..."

Get Ready. When you're out with your girls, getting ready to head home to your sweetheart, send him a text message that reads, "I'm on my way home and I can't wait to touch you all over when I get there. Are you ready for all of this?" Oh hell Yes he'll be ready.

Talk To Me. In your breathiest, Jessica Rabbit-style voice, ask him to tell you what he wants you to do to his body and how he wants it. He'll be so happy you did.

Talented Guy. If your guy knows what he's doing in bed tell how much you appreciate it. "Oh my gosh! That thing you did last time with your tongue — un-freaking-believable!" He'll be quite inclined to do it again.

Dirty Thoughts. While you're out running errands with your guy, tell him, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about the last time you came over. How you had my back up against the wall like that." End it with a deep sigh.

Downtown. Wake up in the morning, slide seductively on top of your man get as close as you can to his face and tell him, "I'm going to go down on you for a very, very long time."

Let's Go. Things are heating up with you and your boo while your out at a lounge on Friday night. Without separating your lips from his tell him, "Take me home right now."

Touch Me Tease Me. As the mood heats up with you and your man, grab his hand, guide it between your legs and ask him, "Do you feel how hot I am for you?"

Don't Stop. Sometimes all men want is a little reassurance that they're doing a good job. Let him know if he's hitting the spot with, "Holy crap! That feels so amazing! Whatever you do, don't stop."

Climax. The go-to, "Oh my gosh! I'm coming! I'm coming!" can never be over-used — unless of course you're faking it.

Baby, You're the Best. Doesn't it feel good to turn to your man after a hot session, still floating in your sex haze, and say, "Baby, that was the best I've ever had," and mean it.

I Want More. Let him know you want an encore by saying, "Last night was so good, I want to do it again."

Plan the perfect evening for two and invite him/her to join. Carefully select a romantic dinner location, a sexy activity for afterward and how each aspect of the night will go. He’ll love watching you take control of your happiness and you’ll be treating yourself to a great night, just the way you like it.

Ladies! There is a difference between "I admire you" and "I m romantically interested in you"

As men are the hunters and women are often the persued  things sometimes become confusing... to both genders,     I've had a few questions from a few people  lately about the difference between chasing women vs. persisting with women. A few weeks back a gentleman . raised the point  :

“I'd like to see something fleshing out the nuances between chasing and persistence.”

“I guess what I want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing, does it?”

I've seen a few other people ask about it on other articles that I read as well.

What's the difference between chasing women and persisting with them, anyway? Aren't they one and the same?

Actually, the two are VERY different - and women are right for desiring persistent men to a point... and fleeing from men who chase after them that point.

Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can better walk the line between chasing and persistence.

Chasing women: Why  is it So B.A.D?

First off, I want to say this: I don't think there's any guy out there in the world who likes chasing women.

And by "chasing women," I don't mean that in the vaguely sarcastic tone of your buddy who's really good at picking up girls. When he says, "Let's go chase some women," what he really means is, "Let's go make some women helplessly attracted to us then  take them home!"

When I say "chasing women," what I'm referring to is the guy who's pursuing a woman who isn't his, is acting cold or distant or aloof to him, and is not giving him nearly what he wants from her... a man who isn't in control of the situation.

What I'm talking about with chasing is when a man desperately wants a woman who doesn't want him.

If you've ever chased a woman before - and most guys have, no need to feel too ashamed about it - you can probably think back on the emotions you felt about it and realize that it didn't feel all that great. Nowhere did you get emotions like, "Wow, this is wonderful!" Instead, all you feel while chasing are feelings of:

• Confusion
• Uncertainty
• Panic
• Fear
• Loss
• Need
• Desperation

These are a deep, dark hole of bad emotions that drive you into feeling worse about yourself, and doing things very wrong with a girl from the point of being attractive.

Chasing is very unattractive to women.

It's off-putting.

But if it's so horribly ineffective a behavior, why do men do it?

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF CHASING

From what I've seen, the vast majority of women who are chased by men are single women... women unattached from a committed marriage or relationship partner. I haven't seen many married women with a man chasing desperately after them, but I have seen many single women with chasers in hot pursuit.

Why might this be?

My theory is, the same "philosophy of women" that inspires a man to chase after an unattached woman also dissuades him from being  interest in an attached one.

The theory goes like this:

"Once I have a woman, she will be MINE FOREVER!"

The corollary to that, of course, is:

"Once a woman is with a man, she will NEVER LEAVE HIM????"

I don't think all men who chase women regularly and desperately think this way, but for a guy who's a habitual chaser or chases women over a long period of time, from what I've seen it's usually the mindset. In his mind... A woman is something to be acquired, and once she is acquired, the acquisition is permanent.

So, if a woman is attached, to the chaser, she is off the market and unattainable; if she's unattached, however, then it's a mad-grab free-for-all to acquire her, and whoever ends up with her at the end gets to keep her.

If you're mildly unnerved by all this talk of "acquiring" and "keeping," you should be; it's an incorrect view of women, but its one that men who chase seem normally to possess in spades.

Here's the really scary part for women - according to the paper "Courtship Behaviors, Relationship Violence, and Breakup Persistence in College Men and Women" by Stacey L. Williams and Irene Hanson Frieze, chasing is linked to violence... have a look:

“This study assessed college men's (n= 85) and women's (n= 215) courtship persistence behaviors (approach, surveillance, intimidation, mild aggression), which have been linked to stalking, and examined their relations to initial courtship interest, relationship development, and future violence and persistence, while also exploring the role of gender in these relations. Findings showed individuals performed surveillance when initially more interested than the other. Whereas approach behaviors were positively associated with relationship establishment, surveillance and intimidation were negatively associated. As predicted, results showed continuity in persistence and violence over the course of dating relationships. For both genders, courtship mild aggression predicted relationship violence, and persistence behaviors predicted similar persistence at breakup. Early behaviors may foreshadow violence and stalking-related behaviors in both men and women.”

Here, the study breaks "persistence" down into multiple subcategories:

• Approach
• Surveillance
• Intimidation
• Mild Aggression

In the study, the researchers define each subcategory as follows:

• Approach: sending notes, doing un-requested favors, attempting to communicate, asking the person out as a friend and asking the person out as a date.
• Surveillance: waiting where the person would be, going by the residence, showing up at events where the person would be, doing an activity to be closer to the person, asking friends about the person, and asking friends to talk to the person.
• Intimidation: following the person, taking the person’s belongings, trying to manipulate the person into dating you, and spying on the person.
• Mild aggression: trying to scare the person, making threats, threatening to hurt emotionally, threatening to damage belongings, threatening to hurt someone else, threatening to hurt oneself, verbally abusing the person, physically harming slightly, and physically harming more than slightly.

As an interesting aside, the researchers further noted, on differences between male and female courtship behaviors, that

“Males perform more approach, or regular courtship behaviors, whereas females are more likely to perform acts of surveillance, that is, attempts to make indirect contact with the love interest by way of (seeming) serendipity.”

Obviously, intimidation and mild aggression are pretty bad. Surveillance isn't terribly good either, as you're "pretending" it's fate while hiding true desires; women are more guilty of this one than men are, and according to the research there's less of  a chance that it leads to a relationship than a healthy interaction where the behavior isn't needed or used.

So what's all this have to do with chasing women vs. persisting with women?

Simple - this quote from the study:

“During the earliest stages of courtship, a one-sided initial interest (i.e., a scenario in which one potential partner is more interested than the other) may reflect this unrequited love scenario and result in intensified initial courtship behaviors. Behaviors used to attract the potential partner may include stalking-related behaviors.”

What Williams and Frieze are said here is this: intensified initial courtship behaviors (chasing) are the result of unrequited love.

The difference between chasing and persistence is that chasing is one-sided interest and highly emotional, while persistence is largely mutual, and it's largely unemotional.