Happily Single.... or is Something missing?

There is a whole lot to love about the single Life I now lead. I've  been living  in the Caribbean...for the last 8+ years since my divorce. I live in a house on the hill, I have access to many beaches, 37 choices on both sides of SXM and I can hop on a ferry and be in Anguilla in 14 minutes or St. Baths in 30 mins. So what's there to complain about. Life in this North Eastern Caribbean is almost perfect for a guy like me. Who got tire of the hassle and stress of the big cities. You see I use to live in places like N.Y., Chicago,  Miami and other areas of Florida,   and was married but now I can pretty much do whatever I want without having to worry about how my actions affect someone else. I have friends all over the Western World (USA, Caribbean, South America) and even some in Europe which provides a lot in a  ways of options, even planonic love. But as I get slightly older and most of my friends are couples, I can't help but remember the days when I was happily married. It seems like every  time I log onto Facebook my feed is blowning up with  folks coupling off. I'm not jealous but I've start wondering is it in cards for me to settle down again. I want to travel some more and share quality time (with someone special.) I use to do this all the time in the past. I like my freedom, so does that mean I'm destined to be alone from here  on.. to the end. I know many folks who are also struggling with these thoughts. They don't want to have to give up so much of themselves or sacrifice the things they want to do in order to have someone in their lives. Having a girl-friend or some other friends,  who I date on ocassion right now is  practical for my life, but I still want more of..the things couples have because I know....... what more feels like.  Yes, I want to have my cake and eat it too.... what's the point of having a cake if you can't eat it? As content as I am with my life I recognize how blessed I am for being able to  do the things I do, and experienced the things I have, I wonder if the grass really is greener on the other side?   

 A simple example of wanting to upgrade my back patio to look like the pic... is where my mind start going around in circles. You see I work best when   I'm doing things for someone special, doing what she likes, which gives me the most pleasure, because I'm making someone else happy. I would enjoy this if it is is just for me, but having someone go " Oooh and Aah" about my  new deck with a spa and an area to chill is the ultimate! sharing is much better, than not! I'm once again at that stage. Where I've let go of the past. You see when you let go, you are no longer forcing things to happen (pushing,) you relax into a state of allowing (receiving.)  You may want ot read my other post on Allowing and Receiving

The views are Oooh so much better when you are spending quality time with someone special.
Sometimes I sit under a tree in my yard with a view of the city and the harbour and read  books on my tablet. Which is cool, but when someone is there with me and we engage in conversation.... I   feel more alive than just having the two doberman dogs come up and lick my toes.
So what am I ready for... and I guess many folk out there living the Single (but not really happy life.)
I'm ready for change. Which is now a welcome change and I can let my restistance down, because now I'm breaking with old attachments..  

Who is comfortable with the Term "Work-Husband " I'm not!

I have to state for the record... "I'm not a Jealous person"! But I have to question which husband would have "NO problem" with their wife  having a co-worker that she refers to as her "Work-Husband".
Maybe it's my ego, but I'm really thinking I'm not the only guy who is her husband ....... Am I taking this the wrong way?
"Work- husband" is a popular term used to refer to a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom an employee shares a close and plantonic relationship.. The "work-spouse" is equal part emotinal crutch, lunch buddy, confidant and caretaker, both in the sense that he can look out and advocate for the "spouse" in the work place and also run to the drugstore for an aspirin if the "work-spouse" is in need.

OK, let me confess... I've had 2 "work-wives",  when I was younger... one for each job I've held for longer than 2 years. As a consultant, which I became later,  over the periods of 15+ years, I didn't have any work -spouses, because I worked at the clients offices and did not associate with their employees that much.
The first (work-spouse) was a married woman, with whom I used to go to the gym on our lunch break or after work. We worked out together faithfully and occoasionally would sneak out and go for a drink after work. She kept me up-to-date on the high-level office politics (and rumors)... She was the Director's secretary. For clarity, we never crossed the line of becoming anything more.

The second  (work-spouse) was an  young lady who was engaged,  worked in the cubicle next to mine. There were only 6 of us in the office--- 2 senior systems Analyst, 2 project leaders, 2 programmers. I was a project leader and she reported to me as she was a programmer. We didn't go to lunch without each other for two years....

I should add that when I  got a call that my then-girlfriend had been keeping tabs on our comings and going, I stopped the lunch dates... because I knew how she felt about women of other cultures stealing black men from black women.





The good news is that if your wife is talking to you about her "work-husband", that most likely  it's an indication  that there is nothing fishy going on. If she were to keep this very close relationship a secret from you, that could be a serious sign  that there's something worth worrying about at least raising your eyebrows about.

Hopefully you're more at ease about "the work-husband" issue now, I know that some guys are not. " the work-wife" label that some women do  have a serious problem with that one( women don't trust women). So if your partner is using the term "work-spouse" and it bothers you,  speak up and let your partner know how you feel. their use of the term is propably a handy catchphrase and no indication that a work-spouse poses any threat to your relationship.

You can't force your son or daughter to stick to their cultures!

I just read  an article on "Mixed Kids are the Cutest"..... when Races or cultures mix, it's almost as if the Universe says: "they will have many challenges to overcome in their lives, so let me take the best of both parents and give these kids a great look." I think things often said about biracial children are often good things. except if they are forced to choose one race over the other.Just let them be Mixed.
Mother's of African decent  find it difficult to reason and often find themselves encouraging their sons, to date  black women. I have a different opinion as a father of two young men, I never told my sons to choose a black mate.... I don't think my ex-wife did either. Judging from the choices the've made so far I don't think I can influence their choices at this stage either. So many people believe that this attitude of race mixing is wrong, while others think that sticking to your own kind culturally is racist.
Let me put it this way: You can't make your son or daughter date who they are not attracted to.
When was the last time anyone fell in love out of a sense of obligation? 

I once told my eldest son, I chose a wife, who was the same skin-tone as my mother. she had mostly the same values... that was the example I set for them. Now if my sons choose different to how I did... I just have to say they have different taste than I had at their age.
Mothers wrestle with the tension between wanting to instill racial/cultural pride and a love and appreciation of the diverse beauty of their cultures and wanting to honor the individual choices their children make around their social and romantic relationships.

I Recognized difference between cultures, and didn't push for mixing, or not mixing.

It really makes me wonder when things are going to change... 20+ years ago I worked on Wall street by day and attended a University at night. I became friends with a fella from Trinidad, we are almost the same completion. however he was of Indian decent (so he was a dark Indian). his last name reflects is heritage. We had more in common than not, even though our cultures were very different. We were surrounded with mainly white folks in class so we shared our experiences and cultures as we talked all the time. Not a bad friendship except for one thing he had no other friends but me, which made me wonder. I had quit a few African-american, Jamaicans and other groups from other Caribbean Island, as friends. My Trini-buddy  would invite me to his family apartment in Harlem, N.Y. where he lived with his parents and two sisters. One sister was about my age and the other was in highschool (they both seemed to like me.) His Dad had lived in Harlem for ten years before the rest of the family joined him from Trinidad. His duaghters had become very much Americanized, in a short period, but not his son (my buddy,) he was a Trini with Indian roots and that  was not going to change.  The middle sister was dating an African-american guy and got pregnant, which became a forced marriage. The mother was very nice but often confused me a bit with her desire to mother me... She would prepare meals and invite me over on Sundays almost religously (and woould seat me next to Jill, the youngest daughter 2 years younger than I))

 She developed a crush on me... I had no idea because I thought their culture did not like race mixing, I never made any moves on her. But she kept asking me to help her with Math, as I was explaining an Algebra  problems to her, one evening.. She reached out and touched my hand and said with a soft sweet voice (mind you she was 18 and a senior in highschool)  "I love...." before she could finish the sentence my buddy interrupted and told her to go help her mother in the kitchen. Jill turned and finished her sentence:" like I was saying, I love how you explain things to me. My brother always acts like he knows it all so by the time he finish explaining I'm usually more confused, and I love some many things about you especially your gentleness,  thank you! I turn and asked my Buddy why he jumped the gun when his sister said "Love"?. 

He said I have one sister left and she is "Special....." he had stopped speaking to his other sister, because she got married to someone other than an Indian from Trinidad. I understood what "his problem was..... I was good enough to be his only friend in N.Y. but not good enough for his younger sister...,.who did have strong feels for me...(and he knew this) You see this was the way things worked in their culture the brother was supposed to make sure that the sisters stayed true to their traditions (and failed with one sister.)  I found out years later, after I was married and went to visit them. She told me that she had a long talk with her mother about how she felt about me, and her mother told her I was too Worldly and much too  experience for her, so she should never let me know how she felt.  She never got married or had kids, what a waste of such a beauty woman. While my buddy who was very dark for an Indian, married a Jewish girl from N.J. hoping to have kids that would be lighter in skin-tone but they never had kids.  Go figure the Universe said: No."   

The larger Butt is now connecting us all.

Cultural Overlap. It’s all about the larger  BUTT look.

I often wondered when the Cultures started overlapping. We use see Runway models

and think hmmm "too skinny." Now we see dancers and performers that are curvy and have the look of women of Black or Hispanic cultures (race mixing more command in these races.)

So what's causing this?    I have to believe our taste in how woman should look is making the difference, as men of color , we favor  curves, it's as if  nature is  do it's thing to make us  happy.  As a man I prefere it if it ` is happening naturally but maybe a little help from science is OK.

" Butt cosmetic surgery"  is doing wonders these days… Butt lift, Butt in plants, lypo  and recycling of the fat sucked out of  their  oblique areas  making the waist line  smaller and inserted into the Butt areas. So now we Men have to wonder and even look carefully to see if there are scars that gives away the secrets of  any alterations.

Just so you know:     This is what I grewup seeing… of women of pale compections.

 Don’t get me wrong, I’m not HATING. I was once in a relationship with woman who made so many changes to herself I wonder what she was going to change next, maybe her personality should have been next (thinking that all she had to offer was her body), now older she should work on her personality... because the bodies can look good at 70+ these day, however personalities need to be Golden at any age if a woman want to attract the right type of admirers.

 Butt changes can be acceptable because we guys are all about the Booty that is firm and shapely. The women who don’t make these changes, are they changing natuaraly as nature is  cooperating with their wishes  So Kim K. proved that her butt was  naturally bigger than most white women…. By having a reality TV segment where she proved it using ultra sound. Now I see all the pics showing up on Facebook page of Booty beauty…. and others. etc… While most are Afrocentric women, many of the  pictures are of other women of other cultures. Who don't  naturally  look like these butt beauties. So what is it? are they are  changes in their diets. exercise routines? If so it’s working nicely, let nature take it’s coarse and continue making these changes. with a little help from their zumba instructors. Before long we will all look more alike than different.   What a wonderfull World this will be!

 Different shapes of beautiful Butts sounds like a Fantasy Island pole party where the host is a dude who appreciates  how women are suppose to look (curves and round butts) and will have  his buddies Judge the contest by evaluating the contestants as the climb the poles.  Sound like a job for mostly rappars and athletes... who wil have the lyrics ready to introduce each contestant.

Now this is becoming the new normal.

 Let's meet a few who will meet my grade A+ contestants. if I was judging.

           

This Sistah needs no intro. she is who I see every day as I walk the streets of major cities in the USA or the towns of any Caribbean Island/Brazil or Dom Rep or Cuba..

              

Here is contestant number 2. Oooh the bomb bloondie that looks so good butt in my view she e might be a sistah who is really light skinned.

Contestant number 3: And the big surprise of culture cross-over  is the choclate, mocha young lady with the slightly slanted eyes!

The Butt is not really shown but it is impied!

We may all have to wait sometime before all these cultures overlap to the point where we will not be able to tell the difference. Oooh Happy day, when all walking in front us men  look so shapely that we just can tell the difference.

When it's time, it's time!

The thought came to me the other day... why do we always try to stay on the same page. I now strickly read books on my tablet (motorola Xoom). simple because it saves the page. I last read in memory and I can skip  what I last read by and just going to the next page. I can even find the meanings of words without picking up a dictionary.... Convenience  'my style.'
If I could only do relationship exits just as easily. I try but some folks don't make it easy.

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.

I had my first serious relationship that ended in a divorce, and  all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-wife had to juggle multiple roles,just before  I left for to the sunny Caribbean, from therapist to cheering herself up  to babysitter (two sons still in their teens).

The whole relationship revolved around holding her up for 25 years. I realized this soon after it ended—that I spent three years expecting someone else to love me AND NEED ME  the way she did for 20 years, when I didn’t love myself very much at the moment. I have closed the book on ""what if(s) but somethiing has kept  me single for almost a decade.

I dated, but it was always casual. I’d start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.

Long after I let go of the woman, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable, (I GUESS). I was afraid of being hurt again. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

If you’ve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Here’s how you can start moving on:

1. Practice releasing regrets.

When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it in your mind. You can’t.

All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships.

It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.

2. Work on forgiving yourself.

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didn’t do it you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there!

Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.

Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself.

3. Don’t think about any time as lost.

If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my 20s, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.

If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.

When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.

4. Remember the bad as well as the good.

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief”—a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence; that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.

As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t.  In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero.

5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied and happy—at least on the whole.

Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.

The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?

6. Create separation.

Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.

It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone( who said that ?). In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is like thinking she will be delivered on a cloud... until you realize that the creator has a sense of humor.And might just give you what you deserve! 

7. Let yourself feel.

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.

First you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain.

Then you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding.  Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost.

Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.

You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it or write about it in a journal (hell no, I will continue   writing a blogg not a journal, this is my theraphy.)

I must have been blinded by the disco ball  spinning behind her head!

8. Remember the benefits of moving on.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

I remember being encouraged to write more... Now I'm doing just that without someone looking over my shoulder

10. Embrace impermanence.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.

When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.

–

It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am standing firmly on my own two feet. without a therapist needing to tell me all that I just wrote.. I can say: "I did it my way!"

I recommend two books I just read.... Universal Laws by Jennifer O'Neal
 and Critical Thinking by Richard W. Paul and Linda Elder.

Universal Laws, Potential, Rhythm,Relativity and Dharma (purpose) part 3

I 'm listing 4  more Universal Laws that, I like other than the ones I listed in my previous blogs.

The Law #11  of pure potential:

The laws of Pure Potential---- everything and everyone is one of infinite possibilities.

This law is truly underrated, if you ask me. When you understand this law, your perspective can really shift. When you perspective shifts, then your belief system will go ahead and jump on board more easily.

The law of pure potential dictates the possibilities of what a person can become and make of their life are not limited in any way, shape, or form.

Everything is energy, and as energetic beings, we hold the power to move and direct other energy with NO limits.

The Potential of every living person is infinite!

How can this be? You might wonder. there are no limits when it comes to  what you can create or things you cannot create. The only thing which stands in your way of infinte possibilities.... is YOU.

Three Road blocks:

• 

• Lack of knowledge
• Your belief system
• Lack of Focus.

Contrary to what seems like popular belief, you hands are not tied when it comes to what it is you can achieve on a quantum physics level:

1. Where you live 
2. How you grew up.
3. the people who you know or don't know.
4. Your current situation.

You're only bound by your own thoughts and perspection (psychological level)

That's it! So next time you make a choice remember you are only bound by what you think your choices are.
Married couples often have two problems. One that believes in universal Laws and one that does not! Understanding that life together can be challenge everyday. Getting things done is not the finish line.... it's the start of a new project of tugg and pull and push. There is no relationship that doesn't undergo a series of battles. Understanding this when you go into a relationship will best prepare you for what's to come. Just remember fellas, that smile you fell for can turn upside down in a flash. 

The Law #12 Rhythm or  Ebb and flow:

the law of rhythm or Ebb and Flow--- all things have a rhythm, a cycle , or an ebb and flow!

This law dicates that all  universal energy flows in rhythms or cycles, which has more force at certain times and less force during others.
 Do you think we will land on that platform ahead, if the winds shifs?

• These rhythms are not abrupt in nature, but the flow is fluid with a rhythm or an ebb and flow.
• Mother Earth shows us often how the law of works, we can actually see it!
• Cycles have been a vital part of our survival in the physical World since the beginning of time, so it really IMPORTANT to our existence and our growth. 

It has fairly predictable effects (the law of cause and Effect) on other energies.Because of this, many of these  cycles are and have been charted throughtout time. By useing those patterns, we can also predict when they will occur in the future. We know when it's tornado season, and huricane season.. so we can prepare a year in advance. But we still act surprised when other things happen that we didn't see coming. Like your mother in-law wanting to visit when it get's to cold in the North.

Now try and keep yourself happy and not make your partner angry, when she tells you her mom wll be visiting by saying: "Ägain!"

The Law #14 the law of Relativity.

Everthing has challenges or test to face, allowing the ability to find strength within.
The Lawof relativity dictates that in order to grow, proper, and evolve, everthing must face challenges and test which allow ergercies to adapt and find inner strength.
Just think about it for a minute. If energies were always drifting in a smooth and relaxed state, with nothing ever arising to test our physical or emotinal strengths and weeknesses, what would happen?
It would eliminate the need for evolution and Growth. Energies would never shift or change. There would be no need for it. This guy is trying to catch the two women up ahead who are just  going with the flow. So  he is gaining on them with every stroke, eventhough the women are both rowing they are not chasing anyone therefore are not working as hard.  This is what happens when you have a goal. People rise to the challenges.

The Law #15 the law of Dharma or purpose.
Everything was created with a purpose. 
This law I really appreciate. i find that most people have a good understanding of this law when it applies to nature and other things , yet dismiss the validity of it and have a hard time believing it to be true when validity  it applies to themselves.
This Law dictates that all Universal Energy was created with a purpose
Remember this the next time  someone tells you "you are Useless!" and you can't handle taking care of the kids by yourself for the week..