Traits of a Good Lover

A key aspect of sexual power is emotional intimacy, an instinctive desire to bond to a lover, to feel comfort. This makes the difference between pure physical sex and lovemaking. Emotional intimacy comes from affection, from sharing feelings, from being vulnerable. By caring you reinforce each other’s attractiveness and make each other feel special. As friends and lovers, you are fundamentally there for each other which creates trust. You see each other as real people, the good and the bad, not some idealized version. When conflict, anger, or hurt feelings arise, you’re committed to working through them. 

What makes a good lover? There’s an electric chemistry between couples that is unique to them. Smell, voice, touch, and kissing style all figure in. Technical skills and good hygiene are also important. But beyond these, here are some characteristics to look for.

Traits of a Good Lover from The Ecstasy of Surrender

1. You’re a willing learner

2. You’re playful and passionate

3. You make your partner feel sexy

4. You’re confident, not afraid to be vulnerable

5. You’re adventurous and willing to experiment

6. You communicate your needs and listen to your partner

7. You make time and don’t rush

8. You enjoy giving pleasure as much as you enjoy receiving it

9. You’re supportive, not judgmental

10. You’re fully present in the moment with good eye contact and can let go

What stops us from being good lovers? Frequently it’s time constraints, self-centered-ness (is that even a real word or did just make it up), inhibitions, and lack of technique. Also, our minds won’t shut off which keeps us from being in the moment. Further, many of us resist surrendering to how sexy we really are. Why? We haven’t learned to see ourselves as sexy. Women have been brainwashed by the “skinny ideal.” Also, sex is frequently viewed more as a performance feat (this is a male issue) than a holy exchange. Growing up, most of us haven’t been given the right kind of education about what true sexiness is. If only we’d been taught that sexuality is a healthy, natural part of us that we must embody in a mindful, loving way–not something “dirty” or something to be ashamed of. Early on we learn that the words vagina and penis embarrass people. Except between lovers, they are rarely ever part of our vocabulary. We are a culture that embraces shame, only there is nothing to be ashamed of!

 I want you to acknowledge that allowing someone into your life is a privilege. You must value your time, be stingy with you space and guard your peace of mind like a precious gem.

Now, sit back, take a deep breath and then ask yourself, "Who deserves to be in my future?

If you’re fortunate enough to find someone who loves you, understands you, and accepts you, go for it! Don’t allow the attitudes of friends and family to cause you to miss out on a good thing. People who are happy want you to be happy regardless of the age or race of your partner. But those who are unhappy will always attempt to block your blessing. As the old saying goes, “Misery loves company.”

They  will never have some say  "Hold Me. in your arms tonight". and mean it!