Ladies, ladies, ladies!

Dancing makes me feel so alive!

 For years I have heard you speak of your desire to be the best woman you can be. I have listened to you express your frustrations on understanding what it is you need to do for yourselves to have better and more fulfilling relationships. Today I want to help you move in a different direction so LISTEN UP!! That’s right, I’m talking to you. There are some things many of you need to stop doing, if you  have a  plan (good intentions)  to make your dreams of a better you, a reality. As I walk with you on this journey, IU want to encourage you to not get defensive and do not start blaming men or anyone else as to why you do what you do. Just take a deep breath and read closely.

1. Stop mixing sex with love

You thought sex would make every all right!

How many more horror stories of traumatized women, hurt feelings, and failed missions do you need to hear about or witness before you stop equating love and sex. Most men don’t do this, so why keep using sex to try to get him, keep him, or justify his existence in your life. This has not worked well at all and it is time to fully accept this fact and stop self inflicting all this damage to your hearts and feelings. I understand sex is also an emotional thing for a woman. I am in no way asking you to separate your emotions if you’re unable to. I’m saying stop getting it all mixed up. Don’t tell me you can’t tell the difference or you’re confused. NO, you are smarter than that and you know exactly what is going on, but instead you choose to do the next thing on this list that has contributed to your heart’s demise.

2. Stop lying to yourself

He would make me feel this good,
 unless we were meant to be together.

Lady I know the truth. You ladies are sharp and pay attention to much more detail than most men. You are very smart and very aware of your emotions. You’re always thinking and processing so you’re much better prepared for what is thrown at you because you typically think ahead. So why must you continue this pattern of lying to yourself to justify actions you know are wrong. I am not saying there are not many men that do the same, but I am not talking to the men right now, I want you to focus on you. I can give you all kinds of examples of lies you tell yourself but I will save that for another post dedicated to just that. Either way I don’t really have to tell you because you know. You may lie to your friends, family, that guy, and yourself. No matter how much you do it, you still know the truth, and you need to accept it for what it is. You aren’t doing yourself any favors, and when it all hits the fan, you don’t have anybody to blame but yourself. Embrace the truth, it may hurt, and it may not be what you think you want, but it is exactly what you need.

3. Stop letting fear consume you

The best defense is having  an even better offense!

That’s right, stop operating from fear so much. You are delivering the pinch before it is necessary. What you call protecting yourself, I call it fear. What you call playing it safe, I call it fear. What you call gold digging, I call a very smart business move <smile>. That was a joke, please don’t take that too seriously. Anyway, I really feel that many women far too often make decisions based on the fear of being hurt. Women also sometimes try to disguise the fear and call it love. For example, you are afraid to leave a man because you don’t want to be alone, so what do you do, out of that fear you lie to yourself and others and claim you love him to validate staying, and sleeping with him. That is just one example. What women have to realize is that operating from fear is only making things worse for you in the long run. You need to get to a point where you can operate out of faith, and trust you will put yourself in a much better position.

There will come a time when all of this will make sense.

There is so much more I want to say. If this wasn’t a blog post I would get much deeper into this and really get at the root of the issues.  These issues not only affect single women,  this applies to many women in relationships as well. I also understand that men have plenty they need to stop doing, and you can check out future blog posts for that.  I just want the women reading this to take heed to the message. Many of you may not be dealing with these specific issues, but if you are it is time to take a stand and make the necessary corrections. You know what you have been doing so far isn’t really working for you, so why keep doing it. It is time to break the cycle and start moving towards a better you which will help also open the door to receiving the right person for you.

Relationships are a gamble.

 That’s why it’s always best to go slow and take your time getting to know the other person.and take your time getting to know the other person. "Whatever you have is gonna die and you are gonna have to rebuild it as something new. You have to be willing to ride the waves.
”There’s gonna be some flat days and some stormy days, and that has to be OK.” ~ Will Smith

Let's just have fun tonight!

Unfortunately Black women often have so many things they  are trying to juggle that it can sometimes become second nature to not smile or take a moment to say "hello." they miss out on  Fun THINGS that take a backseat when they’re fighting to pay bills, continue their  education and make a name for themselves in the corporate world. Because of this, some Black men believe that women of other races maintain a more light, airy “fun girl” approach to love in our adult years, which we  ultimately find more attractive, on some levels . We men  feel that after a while, black women   focus shifts from being the "fun girlfriend" to being more practical instead and solely concerned with insuring the house is clean, meals are made and children are taken care of. Those things are most important, of course, but remember that relationships need full-time nurturing and maintenance too.


Black women LOOK LIKE THEY CAN'T BE BOTHERED

why am I even here?

I've heard other men tell stories  about  Black women often come across as if they  don’t want to be bothered when they ’re out and about in public. Whether in a store or leaving the office, they  often appear more focused on what’s ahead or the next stop and not on meeting someone new.
Is there some truth to the perception that some of black women  can overlook a Black man or not be as uplifting because instead she thinks they need to have already arrived before they give  a man a chance? Some brothers seriously think so, and feel they've seen evidence of it early on within relationships. They often say they feel more supported by women of other ethnicity earlier on in their careers and during their college years.

Black Women are "MORE INHIBITED" SEXUALLY

Not tonight!

Often Black women have been raised to keep their poise and act like a lady at all times, especially in public and while under pressure. However, Black men tell us they love the freedom and ability to know their woman can be flexible and go with the flow in certain more spontaneous situations. And that may mean feeling comfortable enough to act out his wildest fantasies knowing he won’t be judged for asking. Hell he might just rejected completely. Black women are less likely to let a man run her life, including her sex life. she has to really be in the mood to let a man act spontaneous, so spur of the moment will not be happening.    



Black women WANT WHAT THEY WANT
When it comes to settling, they’re usually not the ones. If they've taken the time to work hard they often want someone with the same drive or better (he better be 6’1” or taller, attractive, have a minimum of a bachelor’s degree, God-fearing, and have passport will travel), and so often they would rather wait for this man who meets all of their requirements based on their achievements which is not always in abundance depending on where  they live. Is every single item on your list all that important? Maybe or maybe not. But it is something to think about.

YOUR  FRIENDLINESS IS OFTEN MISUNDERSTOOD

I want to take my time and get to know you 

If black women do say "hello" to a man, sometimes they  feel that the man automatically assume they want a romantic relationship with him whereas if a woman of another ethnicity says a random "hello," they wants to network, or plays the damsel in distress role he often feels less threatened and more willing to share. It’s really more their problem than the woman's, but unfortunately black women  often appear “desperate” even "thirsty" to men when they are being friendly because there’s an assumption that they’re always on the hunt for a husband. It’s sad, but true.

‘Leting go' from the Male perspective is just different:

AND now for the BAD version of the male perspective on 'Letting Go'

If I can not  fix it, I will seal it up and leave it alone! 

Using a sledge hammer to create a secret place!

Often in relationships men invest what they can (not always what women want or need.) Men give what they think is the standard things, but often try not to get too emotionally attached. It goes back to our childhoods (boys don’t cry, "be a man and stop that whining") so when we grow-up we have a hard time becoming too  attached to the person seeking that emotional attachment. Not that we don’t love the woman we are with. But men have compartments in our brains, me make sure that we open them carefully and close them carefully. I  told the woman in my life that”I will always LOVE you” . Which is the truth if I have shared something special with her. That is the compartment that I open and closed carefully locking up that feeling, the memories and the attachments are in that compartment (sealed). So when the relationship  ends the compartment remain sealed that way. Unless I have a good reason to re-open it. I told one of my  Loves of a period in my life not too long ago. Those magical words “ I will always Love you” her  response was “ you have a strange way of showing it” there you have it .

 Women want to be shown that you love them. Let’s face it we talk about matters of a heart and women want to feel that pump in your chest beating faster when you hold them... But we men live in our compartments in our heads. The Heart is a pump that does not feel  emotions...... this is how we roll. Feeling are not produced below the neck, but above the neck in our heads. Loving someone is about what we are willing to do for them or not. If we don’t think we are going to go the distance with a women we ‘Love’  we are willing to ‘Let her  go. ‘ Since we are dealing with that compartment we can now seal it and walk a ways. This does not mean we don’t care, it means that we change our focus to another situation.... Not necessarily someone else but another focus. I believe that women who "can’t let go," want to keep that special feeling going. Whereas we men want to seal it in that compartment and leave it alone....

Mind you , I’m not talking about us not caring about the person. Example: I had a situation where a Lady I Loved had a situation where her new place of residence was broken into and stuff was stolen. I open that sealed compartment and wanted to reach out and show that I still cared. Because that is what men are about, we are protector, fixers. We want to help and fix it.  She did not want my help so I sealed the compartment again and left her  alone.  We all want what we want. Holding on is something I’m very good at,  let's face it I was married for 25 years to one woman, the  mother of my two sons... The Love for my sons are a direct result of how much I loved their mother.  I still remember when each of my sons were conceived, special romantic moments..... the end results 7 and 9 months later was their births. My oldest was a premature baby  (7 months) my second was carefully planned so, he stayed in the oven longer My wife had an issue with not wanting go through the same type of pregnancy like she had the first time. So We waited, at her request 5 plus years later we decided to have another child... and our second son was born 9 months later. 

When she delivered my second son we sealed the deal and decided not to have anymore kids.

That compartment  in my brain was sealed when we got divorced..... I left the  City/the county /State/ Country...

 the place that was home for many years and moved on......and flew 1,300 miles to a new home 'I let go and did not try to hold on!'.......

 now I can sit in the water and feel the breeze in my face and reflect when I feel like it. Open a  compartment now and then and close each one  right after. PEACE is good!.

Find true Ways To Make Them Love You More

 Actually, this isn’t exactly so much of a secret. Making it easier for someone to love you is ultimately about treating them right, and making it so that they really want to be in your company more often. But what does it truly mean to treat someone the way they want (and need/deserve) to be treated? this is the big question , because we will never be able to apply  a ONE size  fits all.

In my humble point of view it means treating them like a great friend: trusting them, supporting them, understanding them, showing them that they’re important to you. Now, how exactly do you do this?

Here are some tips to try…trust me, you’ll notice an almost immediate difference!

1. Do More Together.( make it possible whenever possible) Sure, women and men often have some differences in how they like to spend their free time. But there are plenty of worthy options that the two of you can agree on. Become gym buddies, or couch potatoes, but do it together. Cook together. It almost does not even matter exactly what you do – the most important thing is to enhance your bond by working toward a common goal…together. Also, by investing in a history of shared experiences with your partner, you’ll increase the things you have in common and experience a deeper feeling of unity.

2. Help Them Feel Good About Themselves.While we might think the world of the person we’re with, and even brag about them to our friends and family members, actually telling our partner these things does not always occur to us. We all have egos, and we can all feel insecure. So, praise them on a promotion at work, tell them they look hot, tell them why you think they’re so great. Chances are, as their own confidence gets a little boost, so will their desire to be with you more. Or LOL. they will question your motives. OK I want to be positive in this post. So I'l stop being BAD.

3. Stop Trying So Hard To Change Them.Most people find it hard to love others just the way they are. Hair, clothes, job, friends…many people try to alter so many things about their partner to better fit personal ideals. But while some of these qualities are annoying (or maybe even dangerous, such as having a substance addiction or an anger management issue), other things are not so much of a big deal, and really help make us the unique, special people that we are. So try harder to accept certain things, such as differences in style or food preferences, and focus more on the positive attributes that you love and enjoy together. So red bottom shoe stay  red after you walk on them? 

4. Share Your Thoughts.We don’t expect our best friends to always know what we’re thinking. In fact, we actually enjoy swapping our thoughts, hopes, and fears — that’s most of the fun! So why are we often so disappointed when our dates demonstrate that they, too, are NOT mind-readers? We have all been guilty of harboring romantic notions like, “If he’s been listening to me, he’ll know exactly where to take me for dinner on Valentine’s Day” or “If she were truly paying attention right now, she’d know I’m freaking out about this computer program that I'm writing is not working the way I need it to, and offer more support.” But you’ll save yourself a lot of disappointment by just telling them what you want and learning how to communicate better together. Who knows wedding bells might just be ringing in the future!

5. Give Them Space.Sometimes, we all get so busy at work that we don’t return emails or texts. Now, do we give our friends flack for this? Nope. But for some reason, the rules change for our partners: We berate them for not promptly returning phone calls and challenge them if they want to take a couple of gym classes after work or enjoy a night out with their friends. But remember, achieving a balance between “me” time and “we” time will make the time you do spend together even better.

Find Happiness where ever and when ever you can, in the end it's all good time invested. 

what is your art or seduction?

 All I see these days is, women taking Selfies in bathrooms, News flash:  bathrooms are not a place were you show off your art of seduction. at least not in my book. I start looking for the toilet in the back ground.... I start thinking you are a terrible house keeper ( NOT your best A$$ets moment) .  This is a Big turn off for some of us men, who are looking for a classy woman  who is sexy  . I know almost everyone (clueless women)  is doing it except women who really want to visually attract and seduce a good man , Yeah, the Pros, they know how to do it right. They don't want to blow their only change to make a first impression. and have us thinking about licking your lips. Thinking: Oooh please put her on my menu this weekend.

, 

If a woman is Love struck, she should seem lovingly seductive. Not looking like she is does not have another mirror in her home.... to take a Selfie ... better yet have your BFF take a picture of you lying on a bed,  surrounded with rose petals holding a rose. 

thank you for making this possible!

This is how you  reflect that you are "Love struck" and you are approachable... even on social media.  So get it together ladies..... If you are spending Valentines day alone here is your last change to correct some of the mistakes you have been making. Love comes to an open heart that gives Love  It does not come to the heart that is filled with regrets from past relationships. Or filled with hate for an ex- whatever....... Move on up to the New and explore what you have been missing. Old experiences  will never be new adventures. It's up to you to discover the new and feel the passion that you so desperately crave. Being seductive is and Art form. So get your paint brushes out and use your creativity and paint a new mural with all of your favorite dreams in the colors that reflect the beauty of your Soul.

Passion awaits those  who  are receptive to simple Love. Don't just Dream about Lying together in a a hammock in the warmth of the Tropics. Sun surf and tranquility. No noise or  pollution, Fresh air and cool breezes. Make it happen. Don't keep missing your opportunities just because you are looking for perfect. Just Enjoy the sounds of  the quite Storm that's soft and warm!  

Preventing a crisis in your relationship!

This morning, I sat down and thought about how did I handle  crisis when I was married. 

Like many couples, we were  both juggling the demands of stressful careers, parenting a new born  baby boy , and several major life transitions all happening at once. In our frenetic pace of life, our marriage had been on “autopilot” for a few years. Our time together was scarce, and even when we  were together, we  were usually too exhausted and distracted to engage in meaningful conversation.

In the midst of this tiring season, I had developed a “friendship” with a female work colleague. My wife became uncomfortable with our closeness and asked me to stop communicating with her, and I could not agree because we worked together( with fingers behind my back) . As I then made the terrible choice of continuing the communication after work hours  and concealing it.

My friend was married also and she  was dealing with her husbands cheating. As the wife who discovered the long-term pattern of deceit and the escalating level of intimate dialogue between them revealed that  she was furious. Her first response was to pursue divorce. She didn't think she could continue loving a man who had broken her trust with such a deliberate pattern of deception.

she sat in my office, brokenhearted, regretful, confused, exhausted and looking for answers. She  wanted to keep their family intact, because she had two kids.  while trying to be supportive I managed to think of something positive to say to  her.... so I said:

"I believe any couple can make it through any crisis if they remain committed, but it’s far better to prevent the crisis from happening in the first place."

Below are four keys to prevent a crisis in your relationship:

1. Don’t wait for a crisis to happen before you make your marriage a priority.

The crisis is the “wake up call”  couples needed to make some drastic realignment of priorities, but the “crisis” could probably be prevented if folks are  proactive about prioritizing the marriage in the first place. "Time" is the “currency” of relationships, so if you want to start investing into your marriage, start by investing more time!

2. Don’t “outsource” things only you and your spouse should be doing.

When we  men feel like our sexual needs aren't being met, there’s  temptation to “outsource” that need through  an actual affair. When women feel that their emotional support needs aren't being met, they’re tempted to “outsource” those through a secret “friendship” with someone else of the opposite sex.  This what happened to me and my coworker/friend. Anytime we’re getting a marriage need met outside of our marriage, we’re being unfaithful and sabotaging the marriage.

3.  Watch out for the digital distractions.

In our age of constant connectivity, it’s possible to be in the same room with your spouse, but still in different worlds. Use technology to keep you connected, not distracted. Be very careful of the ways your smart phone might be hurting your marriage. Folks have made the phone value as gold.

4. Communicate about everything.

In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Communication does for a marriage what breathing does for lungs. To help you increase the level of communication in your marriage, ask each other questions. and try to have fun answering the questions

The following seven questions are designed to help you connect with your spouse on a deeply transparent level.

Don’t react with anger or defensiveness if you don’t agree with his or her answers. Humbly listen and make the effort to understand his or her perspective. The answers to these questions could set you in a new and healthier direction in your marriage. These questions could potentially spark one of the most transparent, productive and intimate conversations you've ever experienced with your spouse.

1. What is it like to be my husband/wife?

Encourage your spouse to answer honestly about the most enjoyable parts and most difficult parts of being married to you.

2. What is one thing you would change about me if you could?

This isn't an opportunity for your spouse to pick on your physical features, but rather a chance to help you see blind spots in your personality, your words or your demeanor.

3. What is one thing you would change about yourself if you could?

Give your spouse the opportunity to reflect on his or her own fears and shortcomings. Encourage and affirm your spouse in these vulnerable moments.

4. When did you feel our marriage was at its strongest?

If the answer is anything other than “Right Now,” talk about the reasons why. Recapture the habits you were doing at your strongest point and then build from there so your best days can be ahead.

5. When did you feel our marriage was at its worst?

If the answer is “Right Now,” talk about the reasons why. If it was some point in the past, talk about what led to the difficulties and how you can learn from them and prevent repeating them.

6. What is one way we could improve our marriage?

Don’t list off all the ways your marriage could be improved. Focus in on one area and develop a plan to get better in that area. Maybe it’s your parenting, or your sex life, or your communication. Pick one area and then do something practical to improve. These books and resources are a good place to start.

7. What is one dream you have for our future?

Couples who dream together are stronger than couple who don’t. Talk about your hopes for the future and how you could support each other’s goals and dreams. Work together to ensure your best days are ahead of you and not behind you.