Preventing a crisis in your relationship!

This morning, I sat down and thought about how did I handle  crisis when I was married. 

Like many couples, we were  both juggling the demands of stressful careers, parenting a new born  baby boy , and several major life transitions all happening at once. In our frenetic pace of life, our marriage had been on “autopilot” for a few years. Our time together was scarce, and even when we  were together, we  were usually too exhausted and distracted to engage in meaningful conversation.

In the midst of this tiring season, I had developed a “friendship” with a female work colleague. My wife became uncomfortable with our closeness and asked me to stop communicating with her, and I could not agree because we worked together( with fingers behind my back) . As I then made the terrible choice of continuing the communication after work hours  and concealing it.

My friend was married also and she  was dealing with her husbands cheating. As the wife who discovered the long-term pattern of deceit and the escalating level of intimate dialogue between them revealed that  she was furious. Her first response was to pursue divorce. She didn't think she could continue loving a man who had broken her trust with such a deliberate pattern of deception.

she sat in my office, brokenhearted, regretful, confused, exhausted and looking for answers. She  wanted to keep their family intact, because she had two kids.  while trying to be supportive I managed to think of something positive to say to  her.... so I said:

"I believe any couple can make it through any crisis if they remain committed, but it’s far better to prevent the crisis from happening in the first place."

Below are four keys to prevent a crisis in your relationship:

1. Don’t wait for a crisis to happen before you make your marriage a priority.

The crisis is the “wake up call”  couples needed to make some drastic realignment of priorities, but the “crisis” could probably be prevented if folks are  proactive about prioritizing the marriage in the first place. "Time" is the “currency” of relationships, so if you want to start investing into your marriage, start by investing more time!

2. Don’t “outsource” things only you and your spouse should be doing.

When we  men feel like our sexual needs aren't being met, there’s  temptation to “outsource” that need through  an actual affair. When women feel that their emotional support needs aren't being met, they’re tempted to “outsource” those through a secret “friendship” with someone else of the opposite sex.  This what happened to me and my coworker/friend. Anytime we’re getting a marriage need met outside of our marriage, we’re being unfaithful and sabotaging the marriage.

3.  Watch out for the digital distractions.

In our age of constant connectivity, it’s possible to be in the same room with your spouse, but still in different worlds. Use technology to keep you connected, not distracted. Be very careful of the ways your smart phone might be hurting your marriage. Folks have made the phone value as gold.

4. Communicate about everything.

In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Communication does for a marriage what breathing does for lungs. To help you increase the level of communication in your marriage, ask each other questions. and try to have fun answering the questions

The following seven questions are designed to help you connect with your spouse on a deeply transparent level.

Don’t react with anger or defensiveness if you don’t agree with his or her answers. Humbly listen and make the effort to understand his or her perspective. The answers to these questions could set you in a new and healthier direction in your marriage. These questions could potentially spark one of the most transparent, productive and intimate conversations you've ever experienced with your spouse.

1. What is it like to be my husband/wife?

Encourage your spouse to answer honestly about the most enjoyable parts and most difficult parts of being married to you.

2. What is one thing you would change about me if you could?

This isn't an opportunity for your spouse to pick on your physical features, but rather a chance to help you see blind spots in your personality, your words or your demeanor.

3. What is one thing you would change about yourself if you could?

Give your spouse the opportunity to reflect on his or her own fears and shortcomings. Encourage and affirm your spouse in these vulnerable moments.

4. When did you feel our marriage was at its strongest?

If the answer is anything other than “Right Now,” talk about the reasons why. Recapture the habits you were doing at your strongest point and then build from there so your best days can be ahead.

5. When did you feel our marriage was at its worst?

If the answer is “Right Now,” talk about the reasons why. If it was some point in the past, talk about what led to the difficulties and how you can learn from them and prevent repeating them.

6. What is one way we could improve our marriage?

Don’t list off all the ways your marriage could be improved. Focus in on one area and develop a plan to get better in that area. Maybe it’s your parenting, or your sex life, or your communication. Pick one area and then do something practical to improve. These books and resources are a good place to start.

7. What is one dream you have for our future?

Couples who dream together are stronger than couple who don’t. Talk about your hopes for the future and how you could support each other’s goals and dreams. Work together to ensure your best days are ahead of you and not behind you.