So how do we do the forever after?

We just need to look beyond each other's faults!

So that we can be  exclusive forever after?

Have you ever wondered how some couples make their relationships work long term?

Maybe they start by looking at their relationship differently to some of us who’s relationships have failed. 

When I read the book “Don’t sweat the small stuff” I understood what had gone wrong in my relationship. You see we men, either want to fix what is wrong in the relationship or lay blame on the other person. Women often resent what the man is not doing that they believe men should be doing, or they have regrets and  have Resentments that can linger for a very long time. 

People who “sweat the small stuff” often ignore the good things that they have with a person. Negative thoughts dominate their minds. They don’t let go of the negative emotions. They hold on to them as a way of self protection. A woman who had men cheat on her, sees almost every man she has ever had a relationship with as a cheater. She can’t let go of that negative emotion no matter how good the new man treats her. He might try to overcompensate for the things she can’t seem to let go of the Emotions that constantly override the current situations that seem to always flood a person's memories, triggered by some little things, from their past. 

We just need to hang together and let our energy flow together in  positive ways.

Whats App msgs, while I’m busy working is a sign that he is thinking about me some of the time.

Let’s face it; He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if you both can make each other laugh at least once in a while, causing you to think twice, and if he admits that he is human and makes mistakes, hold on to each other and give each other the most that you can. He is not thinking about you all of the time, but he will give you a part of him he knows you can break. Don’t hurt him, don’t try to change him, do not expect more than he can give. Don’t overthink or critically analyze, his every move. Smile when he makes you happy, Yell when he images you mad, and miss him when he is not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect couples do not exist, but there is always one imperfect guy who is perfect for you.

Let’s just STOP butting heads over silly stuff?

Final thoughts

Women are often their own harshest critics. They fight an internal dialogue about their worth. Women hold back in case they are wrong. Which puts men in doubting situations. Men can’t read a woman’s mind, so when so many channels are active at the same time in her mind  it becomes “mission impossible.” 

I want to earn your trust

“Why are you chasing after me?” said the woman

“I’m doing  it because I want to earn your trust and have you have faith in my sincerity.” said the man.

So how am I to believe that you are so different to the other men I have know over the years?

Name me the man you feel these words above would come from, Ladies? 

Your antenna would instantly start sending you signals “Alert, Alert, Alert”

Why is this the case, unless you have been hurt and betrayed by a member of the other gender you have no reason to feel this way. Women believe “trust is earned”. A good man thinks unless I have done something to break your trust in me. You have no reason to mistrust me.

Wouldn’t  this be a great beginning to a relationship? Many would think you are crazy or very naive to just trust someone who could hurt you because you trusted them from the very outset.

Sooner or later you will have one of two reactions. “I can’t trust you, because”  or “I‘m such  a fool for having ever trusted anyone that looks and sounds like you.”

Con men have done a great job of sabotaging relationships between the sexes. 

But one particular Instagram post would remind me that while pain may be a very real part of our experience, it is not our whole story. 

why is black relational joy so important – especially in the world we navigate today? To be Black and joyful despite and against all the odds is an act of resistance. 

Many women, these days, often have a big problem with doubt. “Doubt” which  causes acts of resistance. They doubt that Love is pure….. coming from men who they do not feel they can trust to be sincere.  So what has been happening is that women are turning to other women for Love and sincere affections. They don’t want to have relationships that will most likely fail.  Their needs aren’t often met physically, as sex toys can do the trick,for a period, hugging and kissing another women, cannot do any harm, like a man who can get the woman pregnant and then leave her to deal with raising her child all by herself.  They feel safer just living in their tribal relationships. 

   

 Final though

We have had things backward for too long. If you were a boy growing up with sisters and female cousins, like me. You were taught that you as a male should protect your females. But after reading this poster. I thought to myself what if we have been doing things contrary to nature. Women are the best protectors. Men are predators. Now I can hear women thinking why would a woman protect a predator?

Because if you don't you will loose him to someone who will protect him and crown him.

She doesn't want to share with you what she has

 

Why did I not see you for who you were  from the beginning?

Many men wonder what happened to the mindset of a women who said their vows and then a few years later demands a divorce, as her values change. 

1. First the vows are not a contract. They are just words to the ears of the other person. 

2. If a woman want out of the marriage because of financials reasons then you know she had an agenda to take what you have, and deny you the opportunity to take anything she has. 

3. Many men who have some wealth will try to protect it from the women they choose to share his life with. The woman will only get what he will allow her to get if they spit, and nothing more. 

4. A contract written before the marriage is always a good idea if you (the man) have doubts that the relationship  will last. Most often it is driven by insecurities and lack of trust that the woman is sincere. 

5. The behavior of these spouses are often selfish, self serving. The behavior of some is based on “what’s in it for me,” I want more than my share, if you let me.. get access  I will take all and leave you out in the cold. 

6. Until death do us part, does not always mean physical death of one of you  in all cases. It often means until the death of the relationship. Which can happen at any point in time.

7. If a woman loves you unconditionally she will do all that she can to make things work, if not, she will dump you like you are yesterday's garbage. 

8. She will stop caring about you, unless she can’t really make it on her own then she will declear herself the first wife and therefore act like she is entitled to all that you have. 

9. Men who don’t really understand how a woman was raised will struggle to understand her cultural influences. Example if she was raised to get all that she can get out of you, that is what will motivate her to stick around until most of her needs are satisfied. 

10. Be aware of the ones who want to know about all that you have and all that they can get. They will fight to gain access to what you have. 

Her hand is on the man’s pocket while her focus is on the camera lense!

 This is her mindset on getting what she thinks is now hers!

Final thoughts

The term gold diggers is often mis-used as they refer to women. Why? Because these women do not dig for Gold, they wait until Gold has been discovered and dug up. They want the end product. Shiny and polished Treasures, not in its raw form, all cover with dirt needing to be processed. She wants to show off her shiny discoveries.

After I got divorced, I realized how cultures played an important role in how women acted in the beginning and how they acted in the end. I got hooked by a number of types. The first one that had 3 marriages, and was the woman that went after the men that were husbands to  women who were perceived to have the golden rings and want to be the trophy women that took the men away from the wives who had what she wanted.   

You got it right, dude, I’m now the queen Bee!

Initial attractions does not always result in eternal Love.

 

I think we will be together forever. 

Consider the characteristics that are often considered desirable in a mate—a sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, understanding, a family orientation, good looks. Which would you rank as most important in a romantic partner? Which is least important to you? Research consistently shows that we rank most or all of these traits as more important than good looks (Apostolou, 2011; Apostolou, 2015; Buss et al., 2001; Perilloux et al., 2011). However, consciously ranking traits as more or less important may not reflect the way we make our real-life dating and mating decisions.  

A few months ago I sat down with my friend Louise* while she scanned online dating profiles. Louise told me that looks were not that important to her, but that a good sense of humor was a must. While Louise certainly values all of the characteristics I listed above, not once did we say, “This guy seems like he has a great sense of humor,” or, “This man has very kind features.” We only stopped to further investigate the profiles of men who seemed physically attractive. 

Physical Attractiveness Is More Important Than We Think

Physical attractiveness may serve as a gatekeeper directing us toward partners who are healthy, age appropriate, and able to reproduce (Weeden and Sabini, 2005). And when we make real-life dating and mating decisions, research indicates, physical appearance dominates: We choose to pursue relationships with those who are attractive to us (see Luo and Zhang, 2009; Kurzban and Weeden, 2005; Thao et al., 2010). 

Men (both gay and straight) seem to consciously recognize the importance of physical attractiveness more than women (both straight and lesbian; see Lippa, 2007). However, experimental research, as well as evidence from online dating and speed dating, shows that physical attractiveness is equally important to men and women. Further, attractiveness tends to be a more important factor in our dating decisions than traits like personality, education, and intelligence (Eastwick et al., 2011; Eastwick and Finkel, 2008; Luo and Zhang, 2009; Kurzban and Weeden, 2005; Sprecher, 1989; Thao et al., 2010). Physical attractiveness may be so important to us because we associate other positive qualities with a pleasing appearance. For example, attractive individuals are expected to be happier and to have more rewarding life experiences than unattractive individuals (Dion et al., 1972; Griffin and Langlois, 2006). This tendency to associate attractiveness with positive qualities occurs crossculturally (Shaffer et al., 2000; Zebrowitz et al., 2012).

Physical Attractiveness Is Less Important Than We Think

One reason we may not consciously realize the importance of physical attractiveness is that we don’t necessarily want partners who are extremely attractive—we just want partners who are attractive enough. In Dion et al.’s (1972) research, both attractive and moderately attractive individuals were viewed more positively than less attractive counterparts. Similarly, in Griffin and Langlois’ (2006) research, a lack of attractiveness was associated with negative qualities, but only a moderate level of attractiveness was necessary to make one's associations positive. To interest us, then, potential mates do not need to be exceptionally attractive, only moderately so.

The distinction between necessities and luxuries (Li et al., 2011) can help us understand the importance of a moderate level of physical attractiveness. According to Li et al., “a necessity is something that is initially extremely desirable…but as more of it is acquired, it diminishes in value. A luxury, in contrast, is not important when necessities are lacking, but becomes more desirable once basic needs have been met” (p. 292).  

The research reviewed above suggests that most of us, consciously or not, view a moderate level of physical attractiveness as a “necessity,” while a higher level of may be a “luxury.” When we say that physical attractiveness is not important to us, we are likely referring to the luxury of exceptional attractiveness and not the necessity of a minimum level of attractiveness.  

But how attractive is "moderately" attractive? We don’t need to be supermodels to find a mate, but whom we consider to be “moderately attractive” varies from person to person. More attractive people tend to perceive fewer others as physically attractive while less attractive individuals may consider a broader range of others appealing (Montoya, 2008). And looking for someone who shares a similar level of physical attractiveness to your own can enhance your long-term relationship success (Feingold, 1998

So now You know that being alone is NOT what you really wanted

There are women who have come out of long-term relationships like a marriage and are finding the dating scene a challenge — they're trying to find their way through Tinder and seeing all this dishonesty. 

So how long has it been since you became single?

Every so often we men may attend a social even and see a woman and think to ourselves “there is no way she  is single!” 

Our instincts tell us if she looks this good she must have a man. OK maybe she had one but she may not currently. Why do we assume that she must be in a relationship maybe because we feel that attractive women in their prime years will attract someone long term. Unless she is just rejecting every dude that  steps to her. 

This came to mind, as I started writing this blog post.

 

While on this  rollercoaster ride called “Life”

You have to take the good turns with the bad, 

Even smile when you’re sad, share love 

Appreciate what you’ve got and remember 

What you had.

Always forgive, but never forget. 

Learn from your mistakes, but never regret.

People change. Things go wrong. 

Just remember, the ride goes on,

Just hangon  you are strong!

This song was a song I remember from in the days when  I was growing up

The road is long, with  many winding turns that leads us to who knows where!

They say that faith is the ability to believe in things unseen. What if the thing you’ve never seen is love? Can you have faith in something you’ve never experienced? Can you hope to embody that thing you’ve never experienced without royally messing it up? Or delivering it badly? Because you’ve never experienced it, and you don’t really even know what it is, or how to do it? And what role does forgiveness play? After you have been hurt. To be able to forgive is to love in- spite of being hurt. But that implies that one must have experienced love to begin with, doesn’t it?

Final thoughts.

Single women maintain really strong friendship groups throughout the course of a lifespan so they have lots of people to rely on. Sometimes women stop believing there is the right person out there for them. They have been on so many dates with the wrong people, they just give up on the hunt.

Men, on the other hand  run the risk of becoming a little more isolated than women do, hence why a happy marriage can be a particularly protective move for men to meet their social needs.

People who have been scarred by a past relationship and aren't willing to put their heart on the line again.

People might have been abused or emotionally tormented … that needs a lot of deep exploration and sometimes they need to work through that with someone more experienced, like a psychologist, before coming into a new  relationship with someone like yours truly. Being willing to entertain  a new union, is almost always based on past experiences.