A backhanded compliment is loaded with fake deceitful sugar.

 

There is an old saying that goes: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

But what if you do have something nice to say, but something mean to say as well?

Blame it on the "Hennessey!"

The backhanded compliment is a subtle and brutal communication tool that pops up more regularly than you might expect. It often passes under the radar, but when it makes its presence known, it can be devastating for those on the receiving end.

If you want to master the backhanded compliment, let's delve into what a backhanded compliment is and the surprising impact it can have on both the recipient and the giver.

So What Is A Backhanded Compliment?

A backhanded compliment is any comment that blurs the line between an insult and a compliment. These comments are also sometimes known as left-handed compliments or stealth insults.

When someone pays you a backhanded compliment, you could take it purely as a compliment, and walk away with the glow of receiving a nice comment about your character or appearance.

Conversely, you might take it purely as an insult, and walk away with that bitter feeling you get when someone makes a disparaging remark about you.

Oftentimes, the receiver can simply end up feeling confused. Was the comment intended kindly or negatively? Why say something nice but ruin it with the insulting aspect? Is this person being friendly or not?

This confusion, the beautiful two-sidedness of a backhanded compliment, is what makes it such a powerful form of communication.

How To Recognize A Backhanded Compliment

Backhanded compliments are, by their nature, easy to miss thanks to the fact that they are often wrapped in what feels like a genuine compliment.

If you know what to look for, it's easier to spot a backhanded compliment in the wild. Here are a few commonalities you can look for:

Qualifiers

These ‘compliments' will usually start with a genuinely kind sentiment, but conclude with some kind of qualifying statement that more or less negates the compliment.

"You look great, for your age!"

Comparisons

This type of stealth insult tells you something good about yourself, but only in comparison to someone else. More often than not, it's a comparison with yourself, suggesting that something else about you is in some way sub-par.

"I love your new hairstyle! It suits you so much better."

Unnecessary surprise

In this example of a backhanded compliment, your conversation partner is kind enough to note something impressive you have achieved, but cruel enough to tinge that sentiment with surprise that you managed it.

"That's such a difficult degree to obtain, I never thought you'd study that."

Unnecessary observations

Unnecessary observations, a truly subtle left-handed compliment, include a nice thought, as well as an observation about your habits or character that you probably never even thought of yourself, but you'll also probably never forget.

"You look so good in photos, you always pose the same way."

Outside attribution

Here, someone will pay you a lovely compliment, then be quick to attribute something else for your success.

"That's a wonderful photograph, you must have a really fancy camera."

Faux envy

Have you ever had someone act like they're jealous of you, only to use it as a thinly veiled insult? If so, you've been on the receiving end of faux envy.

"I wish I could just let my kids watch TV all day like you do."

Bare-faced negativity

The most obvious backhanded compliment is one that doesn't even attempt to disguise the insult. It more or less simply pairs the two together.

"You have such a lovely smile, you don't even notice the acne."

If your blood is boiling from those handful of backhanded compliment examples, your radar for these comments is clearly working well. You're probably even thinking of countless times when you have been on the receiving end of similar comments.

A word to the wise: Be careful not to confuse sarcasm with backhanded compliments. Sarcasm is similar in that, at face value, it can be accepted as a positive, but with real negativity attached. However, sarcasm is intended to be negative from the outset, whereas backhanded compliments are much more nuanced and could be taken (or given) either way.

Best Examples Of Backhanded Compliments

The rich, famous, and talented are not immune to giving or receiving compliments that aren't quite compliments, and there are plenty of well-documented stealth insults in the pubic domain.

In 2015, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi attempted to compliment Bangladeshi Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina (a woman) in a speech at Dhaka University on her terrorism policy.

"I am happy that Bangladesh Prime Minister, despite being a woman, has declared zero tolerance for terrorism," Modi said.

This clear-cut case of a qualifying backhanded comment predictably was not well accepted, and gave rise to the #DespiteBeingAWoman hashtag on Twitter, which highlighted how ridiculous Modi's statement truly was.