Let's toast to togetherness! you might be thinking the following Questions.

Is He Playing Word Games?

His intentions and feelings about you should be clear! You shouldn’t be forced to guess how he feels about you or play silly word games when you ask. When it comes to dating, assumptions are never good. They can be misleading and will cause you to get hurt, leaving you to pick up the pieces of your heart later.

Will he be Consistent?

"I love you." "I need you." "I want you." It all sounds good, but it only rings true if his words are married to his actions. Sincerity is proven by consistent action over a course of time, so pay attention to the signs. If he’s one week on and two weeks off, he isn’t as sincere as he would like you to believe. However, if you find a man consistent in his pursuit of you, you may have a keeper on your hands.

Will He value Your Time (Together)?

We live in a world that moves at a frantic pace. That being said, the old saying still applies: People make time for what they want. Take that to heart and know that if he’s serious about you he will be just as serious about spending time with you – even when it’s not most convenient for him.

Is He Chasing you Or will he be Running,soon?

If he is chasing, then he will be busy pursuing you. What does the pursuit look like? Here’s your guide: He should be calling and texting, planning dates and outings and getting on your calendar. You should not be doing all the work. If you are, you like him more than he likes you. The earlier you recognize his lack of interest, the better. Accept what is there instead of looking for what isn’t.

The above are Just some thoughts I would have if I was a a woman in today's market.  I would have my best adviser  looking over my shoulder most of the time.

Things a Woman Should Master Before Trying to live with a Man

Finding true love is an experience that most women desire in their lives.

It helps them build a solid source of loyalty, unconditional support, and emotional security that provides genuine happiness. However, experiencing a fulfilling love life takes dedication. In our society, real love is painted as a fairy tale and this superficial image often gets etched into our minds early in life.

Women are subconsciously fed the notion that a Prince Charming will come along and sweep them off their feet and they will live happily ever after. But it doesn’t always work that way.

Many times it’s because the man was no good or was playing games. However, oftentimes good relationships go sour because women haven’t built themselves up enough yet to handle the ups and downs and sacrifices involved in a committed relationship.

There are many different aspects of life women must understand before experiencing true love.

Here are seven things a woman should master before trying to find the right man.

How to not make being in a relationship your main source of validation.

This is an important one. Some people (especially women) allow loneliness to make them desperate for intimacy and attention. This often cause women to settle and jump into a relationship just to say that they're in a relationship. Women have to master defining themselves without having a man on their arm. This will transform them into  women who are 100% capable of bonding with the RIGHT man when he does come along.

How to be strong by yourself.

This one is a no-brainer. Learning how to live with yourself, love yourself, and reflect on what you need to do to become a better person is one of the best skills a woman can have before falling in love with someone. Once you master this you will have the wisdom you need for self-betterment.

How to overcome your weaknesses.

Nobody is perfect. Everybody has their flaws, but it’s not good to embrace them too much. Learning how to admit your weaknesses and dedicate yourself to turning them into strengths builds your character. “you don't get blessed for  sinful mess” is how my grandmother would put it. And a woman shouldn’t expect a real man to clean up all of her messes. At some point, you have to perform actions that prove you’ve learned from your mistakes as a woman.

How to manage your finances.

Black women are getting educated and increasing their earning potential at an all-time high. In fact, recent data has revealed that Black women are beating out ALL other groups, no matter the race or gender, when it comes to overall college enrollment.

Black Women are, as we should be taking full advantage of these opportunities in order to have our own financial security. One of the worst positions you can put yourself in is the position where you have to depend on a man for money, food, and housing. At that point, you set yourself up for all forms of abuse and manipulation. On top of that, numerous studies have shown that being college educated significantly reduces your odds of getting a divorce once you’re married.

As you can see, being educated is great from all angles. You have a stronger relationship, more freedom, and your income rises.

However, learning how to manage all this money we’re making as a result of our education is something we should also be focused on before finding a man to fall in love with.

Eliminating poor spending habits, taking care of debt, and properly budgeting your expenses are things a woman needs to master before getting involved in a serious relationship.

Getting closer to your sense of spirituality.

Whether you’re a religious woman or not, the truth is that a spiritual connection with a higher power is fundamental to life. Getting closer to this higher power is a great way to build yourself up and establish your true blessings in life.

A family that prays together stays together. Black women should all focus on getting their spiritual houses in order before trying to find true love.

Your level of confidence.

Women can have their self-esteem damaged severely after they’ve had a failed relationship. This is a vulnerable position to be in because it can blind you and cause you to discount your true worth. If you’ve just gotten out of a bad relationship you should focus on increasing your level of confidence before moving on. No matter how much a man tells you how beautiful you are, it doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t honestly feel that way on the inside.

Need to know How to manage conflict.

You have to know how to “fight right” if you want to have a lasting relationship. This trait comes from having experience. Learning it takes maturity and hard work. You also have to know how to better communicate your feelings and be fair when you’re trying to reach a resolution to a problem. When one or both partners aren’t effective at managing conflict the relationship is doomed from the start.

She decided to travel Solo...should her guy be worried

Achieving a strong, stable, and lasting relationship can be hard work.

A man and woman often must make a number of personal sacrifices, and they absolutely must make their relationship a top priority.

They also need to have a long-term plan for commitment, which will lay the foundation required to move forward with trust.

In fact, commitment is the first relationship goal to accomplish. However, there are many others if you want to build a solid relationship.

1. Traveling Together.

When in a long term relationship things can become routine, and boredom can begin to set in. You also have the stresses of everyday life to deal with which can also put pressure on the relationship. Nothing can spice things up and relieve stress quite like traveling together.

An out of town vacation once or twice a year is a must. This is a relationship goal that you should make a priority.

2. Seeking to further your education together. 

Furthering your education is a great goal to have individually, but it’s even better when you’re doing it with the person you love.

Our staff writer Jason Hill recently published an article that uncovered the interesting finding that educated couples have a lower chance of experiencing divorce. It’s hard to argue against the numbers.

Setting a goal to further your education together with the person you love will definitely strengthen your bond and lower your overall chances of a divorce or breakup.

An afternoon at an art show can tell you a lot about a person.

Do you like this piece... 
I could picture it on that blank wall in your living room.

So you meet someone and you hit it off and you want to have some alone time to establish if you have real  chemistry. How much..... does taste in art tell you about some one. Maybe it could tell you a whole lot more than you ever assumed before. If he like abstract art that are  mostly colorful .... maybe he is and upbeat person. Almost always jovial.

Is True Love Possible?

Sometimes a random sequence of events offers an opportunity to gain invaluable insights.

some ladies speak of their  hurt and disappointment with  guys they've  dated for several weeks who just suddenly stopped calling or responding to texts.(news flash he lost interest.) Other young woman be moaning about living in a culture of men who can’t be trusted. The general consensus is that true love is a myth and the way to reel in a guy is to bamboozle him into submission. LOL.

As a woman, wife, and mother think keenly optimistic that your men and you women can experience joy and fulfillment in  healthy partnerships. Yes, indeed there are challenges that exist in every intimate relationship, the best way to overcome this is to work with your partner. I 'm not a psychologist who counsels couples, bt I have been counseled so  I am all too familiar with the pain of turbulent and broken relationships. I've Traveled down  that road myself once .. don't want to feel those feeling again.

As I was mulling over a  conversation and reflecting on my own thoughts, I happened to tune into an episode of the New Yorker Radio Hour on National Public Radio. The host was interviewing the musician Andrew Bird who had recently released an album called, “Are You Serious.”

The interview featured one of the songs from the album called, “Puma.”

The song opens with the classic strains of a violin and then breaks into a rhythmic beat with Bird singing:

“Do you see particles in the air?
Nobody notices, nobody cares, oh
Don’t try to tell her she’s less feline than human
‘Cause it gives rise to the rumor she’s a girl and not a puma
And that light that shines is not a pearl, it’s just a tumor.”

As the interview unfolds we discover that Bird penned the songs in this album during a time of great challenge in his life.

He and his wife had recently welcomed their first child, and then she was suddenly diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She went through surgery and radiation treatment.

The chorus of the song tells the story of what it was like when she was receiving treatment.

“She was radioactive for seven days
How I wanted to be holding her anyways
But the doctors, they told me to stay away
Due to flying neutrinos and the gamma rays, oh.”

It struck me that this was not just a story about a very difficult time for Bird and his wife; it is also a story about true love.

True love is so much more complex, than a staged Instagram picture of a couple gazing into each other’s eyes.

True love is choosing to walk down the path of life with someone you have grown to respect, trust and love.

True love is when a couple chooses to struggle together through the tough times. It is a journey that requires ongoing learning and growing. The learning and growing may seem like a slow process, but a mindset of patience and determination strengthens the chances of a successful outcome.

Deeply loving someone has always been about sacrifice. Hmmm!

In the song, Puma speaks of the yearning that Bird felt wanting to reach out to hug and comfort his wife even though he knew to do this would place his own health at risk. Such is true love; feeling so closely bonded to another that the desire to give of yourself overshadows every other concern.

True love is about having the courage to be vulnerable and to take risks in your quest to find the right person for you. It is committing to do all you can to forge that relationship once you’ve found the right person.

But… As with most good things in life, it can take a while to discover the treasure of true love.

Exercising patience and choosing to be optimistic are essential qualities that help you as you wait.

To those single ladies who are discouraged, disappointed, or hurt, take heart. True love is attainable, keep striving for it.

Has any woman ever used a no contact rule succesfully... and managed to get her EX back

LOOK WE HAVE Two choices! 

There comes a time when things are just not working out between you and your man. So you break up and vow to never contact each other again.  Hmm do really believe that THIS will work Long term?. He thinks about you all the time and YOU think about him all the time . Then you both remember a Conversation you had about a trip to Greece you both  wanted to take in the summer. Ooops! He decides to go Solo.. You contact  a BUNCH OF YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS AND YOU HEAD ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.  Low AND BEHOLD Who DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE PLACE YOU will BE STAYING...... Yeah that GUY YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER SEE AGAIN, BUT YOU SECRETLY HOPED THAT YOU WOULD. OK. now what....this is  beyond coincidence.

How do you deal with it?HMM maybe a do OVER? 

Have you ever had a fleeting thought of that special someone from the past and instantly wished you had a time capsule?  Was there a specific memory that made you wish you could have one more chance to change things, a do-over so to speak.  If you had a chance to do things over what would you do differently. Here are the Top 10 Relationship DOU-overs.

1.  I wouldn’t take my mate for granted
2.  I would make more of an effort to ensure my mate felt valued
3.  I would listen more
4.  I would create more intimacy
5.  I would find more “us” time
6.  I would make our blended family more cohesive
7.  I would be more accepting and less critical
8.  I would be more supportive of their dreams and goals
9.  I would meet them where they are and not where ” I ” think they should be
10. I would make them my EXCLUSIVE mate

In many cases, we are not fortunate enough to have a DOU-Over.  If any of these responses resonated with you, it may be time to reevaluate your current relationship and make the necessary adjustments before it’s too late. Time capsules don’t really exist, and DUO-Overs are not always an option.

So you started dating, so what does his driving skills tell you about him?

Imagine realizing that your best friend from college is also the man of your dreams. You run into each other right after graduation. You and him ran in the same circles in college and were always spending quality time together. Then, just like that, everything changed—for the better.  You  remember him suggesting one weekend that you bake cookies and watch old re-runs of Soul Train and that sounded like the best idea ever. Something may just clicked after that! Your love was a deeper bond that blossomed from friendship and went on to become the foundation of a beautiful marriage. On Valentine’s Day, during a trip to Paris to celebrate his birthday, he asked his you his lady-friend to close your  eyes and as you did, he popped the question. Wow, just like the movies Are there any red flags. Like his driving skills, that give you  Pause.....  If "yes" then driving with him for the rest of your life might very well be cause for  concern... Road test your guy....... and make sure the road is safe! 

 

Women fall in love with LEADING MEN! Can your guy be that guy?

You have such a great way of say things.... I can hardly believe you are REAL.

Who is That guy women seem to fall in Love with   on the big screen these days,  is he   a script reader.......? Ladies, you can't count on him being really real. Most likely his script was written by a woman.  If the man you are now talking to seems to say and do all the things you want, then you are dealing with a make believe man. We men are  never that good at saying and doing the right things that women need/want.  If the fellah you are dating is sounding like he is  reading the script of what to say correctly to a woman...  all the time, then he was coached and directed by a pro. SMH  If that is what you want .. then Ladies you are living in a make believe world.  

However I must admit that sometimes the chemistry between two people is so good, that their thoughts just link -up so well that words and conversations just flow. He says "the stars are aligned just right" and then you think the moon is also performing magic on your mood. and everything is just perfect. Months go by and you are still jelling together like magic. You call and he answers the call, None of those annoying......  "let me call you back.. I'm busy at the moment"  He calls you at the exact right time.. when you need someone to talk to........ and guess what he listens to you. He even knows exactly what to say to make whatever it is that's troubling  just float away. who is this magic guy?... you better propose to him and hope he says "yes".  (smirking) Because he is so perfect for you. You might even say it to him... when you are half asleep and you are having a late night conversation.  Was the script righter on point or is it too good to be true?

You will figure it out eventually.

Commitment phobia is it really a problem?

Are you willing to commit or NOT?

 Many Women belief if a guy is still dating at an advanced age that he most likely has commitment phobia.  There are many guys who  do have "commitment  phobia"  but not all guys who are getting older, have a  problem with commitments. They may be  just a bit gun shy.....  because they were married/in a committed relationship  before and it just didn't work out.  Some may have even been married several times before.  So that should tell women something.... don't judge the book by it's cover or even the rack(category)  it is on . Every book has it's own unique  stories. Some of the stories might be very compelling. You may want to find out more. So ask the right questions do not assume and then voice an opinion based on your assumptions, inquire  by using the right tone in your voice.
  

Now fellahs just  be honest and open.....  when she broaches the subject. let the info flow free.... unless you have something to hide.  Don't get defensive and close the door before you have given her the benefit of the doubt ... that it might be a legit inquiry and concern of hers to not fall for a guy, and have him  hurt..... her by being a player that will never settle down. If your not really in the market to settle down. Spell it out.   While we are in this 21st century. Women are still a bit old fashion in some ways. They may want to  have the man take the lead in most cases. Don't let their "We run the World" attitudes fool you. They may  also have commitment phobias"  Their stories might also be very compelling. Listen to her carefully and let what she tells you sink in. Her story might even be similar to yours.... I have met many women who have become some what Jaded because they got their hearts broken a few times too many.   

Commitment phobia is a very painful experience both for the one who engages in the pattern and for those who are involved with that person. Usually the art of pushing and pulling and seduction are the domain of the commitment “phobe.” The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns.

Commitment phobia is something I see in my office often and happens to both women and men. The key piece is fear. Fear of intimacy and deep emotional connection. People who are commitment phobic feel they need to cut off their feelings after a certain point of knowing someone as a means of feeling in control and feeling emotionally protected. This is often not conscious and going on at the deepest level of the sub consciousness.

You can spot a commitment-phobe a mile away only if you know what you are looking for.  But if not, it is not at all obvious because one can be deeply taken in by the art of seduction that is prevalent at the hands of a commitment phobic person.  They are deeply involved in the thrill of the hunt as a key part of the experience.  Once they “get” the person, it becomes less interesting for them. They begin the process of keeping score. They are consumed with picking out the negative traits in the other person in a meticulous fashion.  I am not saying people should ignore negative traits or stay in relationships they’re not happy with, but with the commitment-phobic person, this endeavor of seeking out negative traits in the other person is particularly acute and almost an obsessive process.

Basically, they are looking for perfection; which is what they erroneously feel would make them happy, in control and ultimately emotionally safe.  When they find someone that they feel would measure up the push/pull journeys begin.  They are there and then they are not. You know what I am talking about: The person is fully present and ensconced in compliments and sweet nothings, and then they don’t call for four days. You know- the disappearing act! When the commitment-phobic person is there, they are thinking at the back of their mind about their backdoor way out at all times.

A very unhappy commitment phobic client said to me once about his latest conquest: “I’m not here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time, so I’m going to be very seductive and very romantic with her. But, as soon as I get a whiff that she is starting to relax with me, be more human and real with me, I’m outta here!”  We find out through the therapeutic process that this person has done this repeatedly and he suffers from loneliness yet he cannot move away from this pattern. He comes from a divorced family that had immense instability throughout the childhood. So he is constantly working to mitigate future pain. Staying in the moment and just enjoying the new love is out of the question when the pattern is active. He needs to feel one step ahead in his relationships always. He is deeply consumed with not being “trapped” by a woman who depends on him in any way.  He perceives any form of intimacy as a trap,

Another sad case that I became aware of, was a woman that dated and even became engaged to a covert commitment phobe. He promised her a rose garden for years and one month prior to the fully planned and rsvp’d wedding, he bailed. The only reason they did not get to the actual wedding day (only to have him leave her standing alone at the alter) is because she finally woke up and started to piece together the commitment phobic symptomlogy he had been displaying. She decided to question him very deeply which did force him to admit he was not going to go through with the wedding. He had been seducing her and stringing her along, in a bid not to “hurt” her. Instead he felt that lying was a better option which included the act of a last minute wedding day bail out!

Look out for people you are dating that are constantly looking at other people while on a date with you. Also be mindful that the commitment-phobic person is a born sales person in that they can spin a web and tell a story that is unparalleled.  What is actually happening is that they are usually covering their lies with the stories.

The truth is, when I work with a commitment-phobic person I realize that they themselves are not at all in touch with their inner truths. I ask the question, “So why do you think you’re doing this?” And the answer invariably is, “I don’t know. I’m not sure.” They are very cut off from their own emotions as it is very scary for them. True, real grit, deep authentic truth and reality is tough for many people but for the person who is commitment-phobic, it is nearly impossible to have them face this type of emotional delving and truth.

This article is a cautionary tale alerting people to not to get involved with someone they suspect is commitment phobic because if a long term commitment is what you are after, this kind of person is sure to get you hurt!  It is not going to be a pretty situation, unless you yourself are a commitment-phobic person. We know that like attracts like, so that may also be a likely scenario. It actually may be a good match temporarily since both parties are not interested in longevity.  However denial is not just a river in Egypt! I have seen two commitment phobic people get married In Vegas within one week of knowing each other because they got caught up in the romance of it all. The intensity of the connection made them slip into a denial state that seduced them into a marriage decision. Of course it did not last and lots of pain ensued!  But I also see the scenario of the commitment phobe in a relationship with the highly clingy person. It’s a match made in hell seduced by romance and destroyed by codependency and low self worth on both sides.

A lot of commitment-phobic people tend to grow up in volatile addiction families or in families that the parents are in a loveless and silent relationship.  In either scenario there is a palpable feeling of tension, unhappiness and dissatisfaction that everyone just wants out of. In the case of the loud and volatile family there is a lot of insecurity about what will be happening the next day or what the mood of the mother or father will be in at any given time. These people were brought up to constantly have one foot in and one foot out. Can you imagine a child being completely invested in a mother or father whom they cannot trust? The child feels in a constant state of emotional panic. This volatile, unstable home creates a neural pathway belief system to be commitment-phobic. “Why am I going to commit when it’s only been unsafe to commit to people that I am supposed to trust and relax with?”  For those who grew up in a silent, loveless and inexpressive home the child has no role model for healthy committed adult attachments. They have no idea what it feels like have healthy emotional bonding.

For those of you who are commitment phobic and want to get over this, you need to engage in deep therapy, to look at your family-of-origin stuff, because clearly if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t be doing this. I’ve worked with many whose answer to the ques­­tion, “Why do you do this?” is a big “I don’t know.” The consciousness level isn’t there. You’ve got to get conscious and commit to getting in touch with what’s making you act in ways that clearly hurt other people and yourself.

My opinion is that being in a relationship provides us with a forum to learn and to grow the most. I am not saying that when one is single one does not learn a lot, but when in a relationship you learn the discipline qualities of getting through emotional boredom, sexual boredom, immature impulsiveness, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open and insecure in front of your partner and cultivating a sense of deep trust. These are qualities that are tremendously growth stimulating for a soul. Our souls look to find opportunities to become more vulnerable, more open, more trusting, less suspicious, less escapist.  We are, as souls, relationship-oriented, and I think that in relationships we tend to grow the most and to work our spiritual lessons most profoundly.

Quick tips for the commitment-phobic person:

• Engage in the present moment: Be right here, right now with the person in front of you. See what is good and right in the relationship now! (Especially those of you who are in child-bearing years, who want to start to build a life with somebody.)
• Know and accept that nothing and no one is perfect!
• Become aware of how your parents did it and find ways to do the opposite.
• Practice meditation regularly as a way to calm anxiety. The instinct to run and escape from intimacy often is a way to calm anxiety.  So use another way to calm that feeling state that is sabotaging your relationships.
• Read the book: He’s Scared, She’ Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol

• Practice meditation regularly as a way to calm anxiety. The instinct to run and escape from intimacy often is a way to calm anxiety.  So use another way to calm that feeling state that is sabotaging your relationships.

What does culture have to do with successful unions?

To some folks it might be every thing... while to others it may not be that important...

How often to you see a happy couple who have been together since High school still enjoying each others company?

Looks great doesn't it?

What makes their relationship work so well?

For one.. They have grown together
* please note I said grown, not just grown up . People who have been through ups and down and have weathered  the storms that relationships go through know that togetherness is way better than separate...

When folks are of different  cultures they might try to make a life together work. But  they sometimes discover their differences at some of the worst times in their relationships. Which adds to the already tough situation. Picture what goes though each person's head when communication breaks down.. Each starts thinking it's their partners fault that things are  no longer in that honeymoon status. Or when derogatory names are on the tip of their tongue during angry moments. You may start name calling in your native language which  is never a good thing. But if your partner calls you a derogatory name in a language that is not you native language but you understand what it means then it  stings even more..doesn't it?

He's on the phone talking about me to his people as if I'm not even here! 

Why are we arguing over nonsense every time?

So you have reached the point where you have moved in together or you have become engaged or even gotten Married. He’s finally made a commitment and you are excited. But before you jump into the final stretch... You have these few mini arguments... put them in categories and talk: 

• About Money. You can’t get around it. It has to be determined if you are going to share the rent or mortgage, who is buying groceries, paying for the utilities, etc. Even though your man may say he is your knight in shining armor, make sure that there is an understanding of financials. because money is the main reason people split up.

• About Kids. Some people don’t want kids. Some don’t want but one. Some want big families. Make sure you are on the same pages so there are no surprised looks when you announce “I’m pregnant.” Make sure you both understand when you want them in your relationship.

• About Housework. Who is going to do what? Before you moved in together, he did do his own laundry and the dishes. So now, especially if you are both working, it has to be decided what responsibilities you each have when it comes to your home. 

• About Family. A friend once said that he married his wife to be part of her family. But not all families are like the Cosby TV family. You both have to decide how much is too much when it comes to mom, sis and bro on both ends.

• About Older family. Maybe you are still young, but somewhere along the line, parents  or grandparents may need to move in. It does happen, so make sure you think about it and talk about it. Elderly relatives can be a Godsend or a burden. Consider as a couple if this situation were to come up.

About Life and goals. Do you both have the same goals in mind? Do you both want the same things save  hard for early retirement? How buying a new house? Investing your money for the future? Don’t just get married to live happily ever after. Discuss what happily means to you both.

• About Deal breakers. You have to talk about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Getting loaded with his buddies and coming home late for dinner… is that OK with you? Does he get high and you don’t? Do you blow $300 on a pair of shoes now and then? Cover the basic of what can turn into a deal breaker. Make sure you both understand what is acceptable and what is not.

The most important thing is to communicate... which is not arguing. Tell the other person what you need to tell them and don't get upset while telling them or get upset when their response is not the one you are expecting.