Trusting everyone, is not really the opposite to trusting Nobody!

 A woman with trust issues is a woman who has heard the promises ‘I will never hurt you’ too many times with actions that showed otherwise. It feels like having trust issues is like one of the biggest roadblocks you can face in your life. Not only are we always skeptical about trusting people but we start to become negative in our head too.

We live in a world where we are continuously surrounded by media in some form or the other. This is what gives us the unrealistic expectation of love and relationships. Our expectation of love doesn’t come from our parents or family, it is based on the fiction we see in movies, television, and books. This is what makes our perception of love unreal and naïve. However, this naivety lasts only until your first major heartbreak. It is only after that the reality of the situation starts to hit that you tend to realize reality is far from what media portrays. It is important to have standards so as to not end up settling but we also need to be mindful and realistic on what we expect from love and relationships.

I was that person once. Young, naïve, and living in my own fantasy of what love means. Then something fantastic happened, I fell in love or at least I thought I did. It felt amazing and magical somehow at the beginning like I own the world and nothing can go wrong. It was at that exact time when reality hit and things went down south. I didn’t understand what had happened, I mean there’s always a happily ever after in TV right? Well, that is not the case. I was hurt, confused and jaded in a certain sense. I told myself that if this is what love feels like, I never want to fall in love ever again.

Then, the inevitable happened; she falls for someone again. She was scared of course. She didn’t want to get hurt again. She  is guarded but she eventually gave in and it was at that very moment that she saw her trust being broken.

Trust is like paper, once it’s crumpled, it can never be perfect and smooth again.

A woman with "trust" issues is like an onion, you need to peel it one layer at a time; you can’t just cut through with a knife and expect to be in. Rather than being excited at a prospect of a date or meeting someone new, women tensions are high. It’s not fair to anyone but they are a product of their past experiences and women will continue being this way until someone shows them a reason to feel otherwise. We need to understand that women weren’t born with trust issues. We may not think their past was a big deal but the baggage women are carrying is what is putting them down. They don’t think they  need men to fix things; they just need us to be supportive while they are trying to fight themselves. Their hearts have been played with, they have been cheated on, and they know how shitty it feels. So rest assured, if we are in it with you, we will give you all we have.

That being said, there are a few things you can do to get someone with trust issues to actually trust you.

1. First and foremost, make sure your intentions are genuine. If not, please don’t waste their time and yours. Over a period of time we have become very intuitive on who we should and should not trust.
2. Fellahs. Learn to be patient. Women will take their sweet time until they are sure about you. You will need to make the first move because they are going to be cautious for a while.
3. If you actually care, take the first step. Don’t sit around and expect us to do it.
4. Listen when they talk. I know most guys aren’t good listener but at least try. They will surely acknowledge the efforts.
5. Please be honest with her. Understand that women were lied to a lot and it will always hurt. You really don’t want to be the person to add to their pain.
6. Actions do speak louder than words so complement your words with actions.
7. Don’t break their trust again. It has been a hard enough for us just to get ourselves to trust you again so don’t be that person who makes us doubt our judgment again.

I truly believe that women only need that one guy to make them realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else. They want  that guy. It’s harder than you can imagine for a person with trust issues to start trusting again, so when she says ‘I trust you’,  confirm it by acting correctly, don’t make her regret it.

figuring it out

 A woman with walls, has been burned, betrayed, forsaken. The hardest job is to figure out , which wall is the highest, and most sturdy and hardest to penetrate, or totally impenetrable.... read her eyes, to figure her out!

You eyes speak volumes!

Women who have roots often have walls.

Every step forward starts with a foot firmly planted in the past.  

These days loving someone who has walls up should  not be a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away.

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck,  you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing.

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn.

Can I trust you to keep me a float?

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far.

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist.

Final thought

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it. 

You are all I need to get by.

Are you really Hot for her or will you cool off after some time

Women may think, based on experience, that men don't stay Hot for them for ever after. 

It started off Hot but the stone has cooled off a bit

What does a girl really mean when she tells you she needs you?

She convinces you that you’re very important to her and that she needs you. She makes herself appear weak and helpless without your advice and emotional support. She tells you she needs you, and that she’s very close to you, and she doesn’t know what she’d do without you in her life.  She blows hot and cold.

Well  some women who think this way may have a good reasons!

Here are some things that you ladies might be thinking about:

• His Behavior is “Hot and Cold”. Hot and cold means he acts like he’s still in love with you one day and then acts as if you don’t exist the next.
• He Tries To Make You Jealous. Is he putting up pictures of himself with hot girls on Facebook and Instagram?
• He Reaches Out Even Though You Asked Him Not to. The “No Contact Rule” is a post-breakup must for one reason: it works.
• He Calls You When He’s Drunk & Makes Emotional Confessions to You.
• He Shows Strong Emotions When It Comes To You. The opposite of love isn’t always hate.

Final Thoughts

When past experiences play as a constant movie on replay in your mind, you find yourselves drawing comparisons. They impact your thoughts consistently, this can be a good and bad thing. Good if these thought can prevent you from making serious mistakes. And bad if they stop you from moving forward with someone who could make you happy. Not all situations will be the same with a new person, as they were with some you were once with. 

example: a lady once told me she liked me because I was mot that dark, but didn't trust me because I was not that dark skinned.  SMDH.  I left her alone after that because I felt she was stuck in a rut. comparing me to someone else or multiple other individuals.  

Sometimes when the past grabs a hold of you it does not let go.

Are we moving in the right direction

 

I was told  we can stare into each others eyes,on occasion,

  but it is very  important, even more so,

 if we stare in the same direction at the same future.

Young couples these days want to get together for many glamorous reasons.  

This ring is about  the size I had hoped for.

So where is he? What is taking My prince so-o-o--o long … to come my way?

Many women are dealing with the 10 to 1 ratio and are wondering if there is a man out there that is just right for them…??

Getting annoyed, frustrated, and at times feeling hopeless…. It’s not an easy path to walk, however I’m a firm believer that when done right, the universe is without a doubt going to provide the benefit of you having a mate… maybe not a perfect   “Soul mate” that you are seeking….. but “yes” a mate… just a mate!

Well to be honest, the responses to your questions is often “yes” and “no”….It’s “no” in the sense that you are not locked to get a specific man, no matter what you do, The idea that there is a “soul mate” who you are guaranteed to be with is simple not true… You have decisions in life you have to make, and plenty of people make choices that block theme from being with the person who is truly perfect for them.

Notice I said “person who is truly perfect for them”. This is where I believe the term “soul mate” can be applied, and this is where the “yes” comes in to play when you ask the question “Is there really a man just for you?” If you have purpose in the choices you make, then the flow of good thoughts and the flow of positive energy will bring what you seek to you. You may not be able to just sit back and “wait for your Boaz” which is basically a reference or symbolic saying waiting for the man God (the universe) has for you. Because when you move forward with patience, you might just stumble across that on person who might be a good match for you. Note I said “GOOD” not perfect…..

You are not the prince I first pictured!

Some key things to think about: 

• Will you be attracted to him?

• Will he Love & Cherish you?

• Will you have to make him into a Man, or will he come custom made tailored right?

• Is he looking for a Helpmate, and not a playmate, which one are you currently?

• Will you experience a genuine Connection with him?

• Will he Love you unconditionally, and will you love him unconditionally?

• Will he want all of your love, not just a piece of it?

 

Start by questioning your past relationships and figure out where you might have gone wrong…the following example might trigger a few thoughts.

Example: You loved the man you spent your best years with…. I understand you feel you loved this man, but was the feeling mutual…? 

Another example: You were told that you should be more willing to build with a man, recognize his potential and work with him from there.

Another example: A lot f men just want sex, and sometimes women may be OK with that arrangement. So figure out if there is real chemistry … it can still evolve into a real relationship. So why can’t you just enjoy friends with benefits, and go with the flow?

Extreme example: People tell you that you are too picky… You might want to be more flexible on some of

your desires, and be more open to dating a guy that may not be really all that good looking. You are in your childbearing years so you want your future husband to be someone that looks really good to you, and therefore your kids will have 50/50 chance of being good looking also. 

Final example: You are very social so you have met a lot of guys that you find interesting, but you are not really sure if you have ever experienced a real connection.

 

 

 

 

Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late

You mean my window of opportunity has closed?

When you wait too long, opportunities can be missed, especially when it comes to men and  women relationships. 

Let me talk to the Martians here first on this one.  

Since women are not from Mars even women who are lesbians are all still from Venus. They don’t think like men do.  

When a comedian writes a book “Act like a lady, think like a man” you need to start laughing because the joke is not realistic. 

Allow me to explain:

When a man thinks ‘hmmm I think she likes me, I will just wait for her to come around.’  He will be waiting way too long. Why? 

For a few reasons. 

- women don’t want to be seen as “thirsty”. 

- Women can be aggressive however they want to be wanted, needed, they want to be persuaded, etc. 

- They don’t want to be the one to chase a man. 

- She wants “the mountain” to come to her.

These are facts… not to be debated just because you don’t want to believe them.

I was told that… "All good boys go to heaven, but BAD boys bring heaven to you?"   

As a man who has many different experiences with women, I'm not boasting. I grew up with many women in my own family, was married for 25 years, dated before I got married and after divorce. So even the  women in Chicago,Atlanta, Miami, Caribbean Islands  and N.Y had these same things in common. My now ex-wife and ex girlfriends were from different countries, Islands, Cultures and they all acted the same way when I became interested in them.

My actions had to be thought through carefully. So I learned a few things, over the years  even now I’m still learning.  

She might be a bit shy, 

so don’t approach her like you are  a predator. 

I’m on vacation and want to have some fun.

Let’s find a guys that rolls my way 

and makes my days and maybe even my night, 

an experience I will never forget. 

Every woman is unique, even twins are, so men need to explore what is special about her . do not assume you will find the things in one and also in the other. She will surprise you.

I once overheard a buddy of mine say “all women are the same…” My response to him was….. ‘so you have never had experiences with more than one woman, then!’

Needles to say he just disagreed with me as if he thought that I was judging him as an inexperienced guy. 

If you have not  taken the time to try to understand women you might think to yourself “why bother just treat them all them the  same way.” Guys who do this…. Find Out that treating women the same, is like driving different means of transportation the same way. You will crash a few times until you realize a sport vehicle handles differently to a sedan, and a SUV does not handle like 18 wheeler.  

OK, women are not vehicles but I think guys will understand what I’m saying here.

AMAZING can become what is expected.

Tell me again why I’m Amazing in your eyes!

Time can alter  your memory. Folks can’t help what they start expecting based on their experiences. Mature  folks, often say these words “ I remember when!” this can be a conversation starter to  traveling down memory lane. OK I’m one of those guys who was lucky to have been in relationships with some “Amazing  women”. So now I’m still expect a woman to be “Amazing” not just “Eye-candy.” 

So let’s define Amazing  by my categories.

1. Beautiful  in looks and having a beautiful heart.

2. Kind and giving.

3. Unselfish, when it comes to sharing. 

4. Willing to go the extra mile with you. 

5. Strong in the areas of values

6. Forgiving

One or more of these categories can make an “Amazing woman” be the new expected partner potential....

“I’m so glad your six pack is still visible!” Love is  often rekindled when tested. 

.

Men seldom classify “women forever after,” because we are visual creators. We expect her not to change…. We want her to remain Amazing in looks, and in other categories. And if she can be that, she will be a good fit for a very long while. 

Women have become so much like men…. that it has become  scary. If  women see a slowly aging man, they call him a “silverfox” when his hair start to grow grey. If he stays in reasonable good shape, with no over size belly etc. He is a catch worth keeping, maybe !

But some women are so much more realistic than men. Men feel if we can still attract a younger woman we will put in the work to  have a “Trophy queen” for years into the future (but, dude will she see you as her King?). Older Women who can still attract a man who can still appeal to his senses, will find themselves not having to compete as much  with other women in their age group. Women who do not appreciate the men they have, will lose them to women who will still appreciate them.  

No  smart man will let go of an Amazing woman unless he has to do it, but women often let go of a good a man, who is no longer “Amazing” in her eyes.

   In my view You are so very “Amazing” and I see you as “the one in a Million”, as my life partner! (think about which one of these two individuals would say this)

 

Final thought

To feel better about your partner, write down what you feel about what is good about them. (Try to let go about the not so great things) Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind. Simply refrain from trying to review what happened in your mind in your imagination, just imagine you are saying what you feel, think, and want-- without editing yourself in any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner feelings, you will suddenly become free from the negative grip.

We need to talk

I have some things on my mind we need to discuss

‘Oooh oooh,fellahs,’ Men need  to be able to identify the difference between “very important” talks and “ Urgent” talks.

A woman’s mind is very complicated to say  the least. The “Urgent!” flashing lights above her head could change in and instant to “very important” and back again.

The channels of images  that flows into her mind are like being connect to the internet and cable TV at the same time. The switches in her head allows her to browse  the icons and click on the one from the latest news on the Internet or last episode of her favorite topic “reality show”  on Cable TV.   A Picture In  Picture (PIP) which also allow her to view the two subjects and episode at the same time. The volumes are  not always muted, so the sound can even  make her even more talkative. So we  guys,  need to be able to read the signals ahead of time, be prepare for what is coming  at us at the same time in the two PIP windows (her labels of  very important or Urgent  can change on a dime.) 

We men often know when we have made mistakes. If a man made a mistake and feels embarrased, sorry or even ashamed, then he needs his woman’s love even more.. The bigger the mistake, the more points  he gives her,  if she forgives him, quickly. However some men can become defensive, and deflective. Which is his way of trying to prevent  his woman from   feeling resentful towards  him.

 

What makes men defensive, and deflective?  

A man may become very angry at his woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistakes. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn’t say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way, instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and gives her penalty points. I read the following which made me think.

It might help to greatly when women understand that men score points differently. Men give penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn’t make it safe for women to share their feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if all men could see how unfair penalty points are and it changes overnight--- change can take time, but it can change in a second. What can be reassuring for a woman however, is to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back. A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a ZERO. At such times a man can just be understanding that she is sick with the resentment and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again. Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her man when he seems distant  and hurt.

   

So what makes men defensive? When a man is in a negative state of mind, a woman needs to treat him like a passing tornado and his anger lowers after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him the one who is permanently wrong, never forgiving him for his wrongs or for not trying to change him. If she tries to Stop the tornado it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering. This is a new insight for many women because in their minds when someone is upset the Venetians never even ignore her or even consider lying low during the tornadoes.  In her mind Tornadoes do not exist.  When other women are upset everyone (women) gets involved with one another and tries to understand what is  bothering her by asking a lot of questions, trying to understand what is bothering her. Where as a man waits for the tornado to pass everyone finds a ditch and lies low, until the stormy sky clears up.   

 

“Will he still treat me as a queen after he  has made  mistakes, and I confronted him ?”

Final thoughts:

When we men hear the words “We need to talk” it causes us to go into replay mode. Replaying the things that he might have done wrong knowing he might get caught at some wrong doing. These images in his head causes the tornado of mess-up activities to swirl around in his head. We  men don’t like that feeling of having  to explain the things we do not want to talk about.  

Are we fooling ourselves or not?

What does she see in this guy?  I know He is playing her and will mess up in due time.

 Do I even have a change with her here? 

Why is she dating This jerk of a guy with a huge ego who  told her he usually doesn’t date any woman bigger than a size six, although sometimes he’ll go out with a eight if she’s tall and can pull it off.  Then opens the hood of his vintage shiny mustang and tells her the only eight he know will perform like he wants is this V-8 engine. 

When you find out you are in a 3-way relationship. Ask yourself the question: "Is this possibly that a 4-way relationship is just waiting to happen?

What about that person who is waiting patiently for the dust to settle.

The notion that another person doesn’t have other options is just fooling oneself.

The energy of the other person might just be attracting a person you are totally unaware of. 

When a person seems stuck in a relationship they might just have options they themselves  are not aware of… People just don’t know what is happening outside of their control. A woman who thinks she is the outside side-chick may not know that she is the one someone else has been patiently waiting for her to free herself up from the relationship she’s in. Very often the evidence is not staring them in the face. While listening to women talk with other women about their past experience while on an OWN dating show “ Ready to love” I began  to understand a few things better. 

So which guy  will pick the right  woman for him  out of all of these ladies? Even the  ones standing  in the back rows can have a shy smile that can grab some dudes  attention.

Women still expect men to be lions, where they jump out of the bushes and  grab the female out of the pack and talk to her about things that could  bring them together. But when the odds are stacked against them because others are also pitching their best possibilities. It seems different if you are not in one of  these mixers, then you may have to rely on catching each other’s eye, can be tricky . Guys in the minority know they have chance to make a  connection because the number favor the men. Women, in the majority, on the other hand need  to see that they have to step up their game and not just be an option. They want to be chosen. When a man chooses one from the beginning, the other women may respect his choice and start making themselves available  to other options. But wanting to  be the first choice, and not being the first one chosen might  still bugs them… Questions like why did he make his choice so early, and over look “me”? Now I’ve got to settle for the next available dude, who may  lacks the attributes she  saw in the first choice she made.  But if a guy can’t make up his mind and “dissed” the woman he didn’t choose, she might “diss” his butt back, if he want to come back around to choosing her, after failing to make the connection, with the woman  he thought was ideal for him. 

Her relaxed state of mind of waiting for   the right energy might  come her way…. might just be what he saw but now he has an uphill battle to get over the walls she has put in place as an obstacle course for him to go through.  The process could be slow, because she is seeing herself as the option he first ignored. 

He checked for you because he felt  you were the one who would have his back!

The initial energy drew the two of them  together, however they have so little in common. 

Her choice of him having an investment  bankers style of dress made him the choice however her choice  of nail polish is not working aesthetically for him. and she  has  a need to wear fake hair and  too much makeup….. What is she covering up, her scars maybe very deep, requiring a make over daily. In sharp contrast a lady that is calm and satisfied with her status is not in a hurry to jump into another relationship. She possesses that natural look some guys might prefer.

My initial attraction to her is beginning to wear off.

 

 A woman who does not mind being single, has no one to answer to but her dog. Who will not complain if she did not feel like cooking, her dog will get his dry dog food and be happy. She can eat  cheese and cracker for supper.  Do her yoga. And when she takes a ride on her bike along the shoreline on a weekend. Her dog would be happy to tag along or stay at home and sleep. If she has to work late. Her dog never complains one bit. 

“The caged bird may be happy and feels safe, however if the bird escapes, the cage gate should be left open so that the bird can return!”

   

Hmmm, is my mystery man checking me out from a distance? 

He surely most see me holding hands with my sometimes on sometimes off  date.

Final thought

Figuring out who might be the ideal match for you need not be all that  complicated, unless you make it complicated. Reaching  for the star could be what you believe you can handle but that star might be too self promoting, thinking s/he needs a someone who matches their criteria  “as all that!”

The notion that “opposite attracts,” is just physical, but emotionally they are  not compatible, often. His ego will clash with her need for glamour. So he might look elsewhere for someone less flashy and some one he might be able to have harmony with.  Her need to shine will put him in a head space that might have them fighting as the other “still guy waiting” looks on from the shadows, patiently waiting for his turn. She may notice him looking at her with that look, of desire.