Married and miserable or single and lonely!

Why do we have to try so hard to make it work?

So isn’t there any sustainable happiness anywhere…. these days?  If you are an overthinker this is your new World. Happiness is a myth or a fantasy!

We have created a World of fantasies that can ‘t be realized  simply because they are based too much on your fairytale childhood fantasies. Well there is nothing  wrong with trying to create a great life with someone, you have grown to have feeling for this person. It may not be as magical like “Prince charming” and the “Princess” hitting it off right away as they see each other across a crowded room at a Royal ball. Or they accidentally come in contact via  social media. So did Mark Z. know what facebook would become or did it grow from nothing to something that is impacting our lives regularly now, to the point where everything is streaming into our devices 

The things we want are not things that are easily available. Single people these days believe they have the option to becoming married when they are good and ready, but it just hasn’t happen to them, yet…BECAUSE???  10 million excuses pop into your minds. For example:

-the right person has not come along, maybe you should make the person that does come along the right person .. Nah that would be too easy, I'm not settling for less than I really want….. I will not be happy if I settle for less.  

-the perfect person doesn’t live  right around the corner. They are on the other side of town, they should know where to find ME…...  

-Your soulmate is out there some where, but you don’t know where to start looking. Well they should use the GPS the creator gave them to find ME.

 These are all potential lyrics to “hoping for love” songs. They need new music. Even rap songs have occasionally had lyrics that make sense. “I need love”~LL. Cool J…. instantly comes to mind. They create images in our heads. Hell I can create a old school playlists of these types of songs that could make a grown woman cry,  while thinking back on Yesterday, and a young woman feels like it’s hopeless that she will never find that one in a million person, or is it one in 7 Billion, now. If you live in small community your think in thousands,  in a country that has millions of people, you think in terms of Millions, but in China or India you think in terms of a few Billion possibilities. Let that sink in for a minute.  The dude or the gal you want is not the dude or gal that is right for you. Says who?  Your mind has been designing  that perfect person but you can’t find that person your mind has designed. 

The type of woman or man  you desire most isn’t who  you feel, deep down, will walk across your path anytime soon ( your timeline has too many detours in it.) the person is coming towards you and you find a reason to cross the street and not meet them.

Like Chris Rock stated in his standup comedy routine, so clearly. “There is no happiness nowhere!” So  if there isn’t any happiness anywhere, why are we seeking what is not available. He is a perfect example....  his now ex-wife was sitting in the audience and they showed her face… when he said it… did she already know they were getting divorced at that point? Answer: we are over complicating things in our heads. Our what-ifs--- are the problem...they could lead to that Crap  spins cycle going around in our heads like a washing machine spin cycle.  

 When I was married…. At a given point My life lacked the excitement that I experience when I was single, then I got divorced and my life lacked the continuity I once had when I was married. I have ask myself what the hell is it that I really want/ed.  First let me explain I hated getting divorced, because it went against what I believed was my destiny, my parents lived until death did them part…. So I got married with the same mindset. My mom died 3 months after attending our wedding which had me on an emotional rollercoaster ride my first few years of marriage. So since  my mother was not on this earth to enjoy being a grandmother, I was not in a hurry to start our family of 2 plus 1, we were in our early 20s so we knew we had time so we waited 4 years before we had our first son. When he was born our joy revolved around him, and then 6 years later we add our 2nd son and our joy revolved around both of them. how ever after a while life started happening as our sons were both growing up and they wanted to do  their own thing. We lost that spark and didn’t enjoy each other’s company as much as we did before. So divorce happened and we went our separate ways. I got on a plane and moved 1,300 Miles away, to lick my wounds and try to heal. but re-marriage was not what I want/ed either… the few times that the possibility came up. So being single is not that exciting at this stage in my life, my choices for excitement are fewer. But was it ever all that great when I was initially single?  My two sons are grown men now with potentially future wives currently residing with them. Hmmm, I see a pattern here…. I lived with their mom for two years before we got married. To be honest it’s kind of weird when I visit them…. and their mom, the ex-wife who divorced their father comes around, that they are now not seeing the live example of the happily-ever-after family they grew up in on their horizon, because their parents are now divorced and like my youngest son said "why rush to get married when everyone is getting divorced." If I’m being honest I see a broken time line….. with detours…. In all our futures. Hopefully they will make marriage work for them, once they decide to jump the broom. 

<smirking> maybe I’m still salvageable. 

I often think in terms of “pre-owned” or off-lease  I never liked the term “Used” when I’m shopping for a car, new has no history. Maybe that is also the way I’m thinking as far as  a forever-after-mate, her seeing me as not-used-up yet..... but just not brand new, either.

 A couple of BAD examples on it take three tries to get it right: 

• When I was in college my best friend  did something that had me shaking my head. We both had dreams of finishing school and starting our careers and getting married and having a family. I was a player but he wasn’t.  He fell in love within months, at the age of 19, with a young woman who already had a daughter ( there is nothing wrong with that) but then they had 3 sons one after other, together and then got divorced. OKay just picture that one, it did not last.. Not even for the sake of the kids.  He never finished school (his life became the life of a security guard. What the hell? His Dreams of becoming an Architect and then he settled for a career as the TSA agent. When I left N.Y. and went to Chicago. I settle down from running around and dating every skirt that smiled at me, and I got married to the woman who stuck by me . We agreed to wait on having a family too soon, after watching what happened to my best friend I was not going let that happen to me. My buddy flew out to the wedding and was my best man… I had been his best man  the first time and then again the second time he jumped the broom….SMDH. Now he is married for the third time I didn’t stay in tough with him after the 2nd divorce. So his 3rd wife was a surprise to me when I met her, a couple years ago….. 
• Another case of a BAD  influence was my very good friend a brother from Cleveland (smooth talking  with a deep voice, Big Ron) we hung together in Chicago, he also got married 3 times. Now he has settled down, hopefully for the last go around he married a woman 30 years younger than him they now have 2 young  kids together. I guess the 3rd time is what it took for these best friends of mine to get it right.

A second marriage is still a possibility for me, but surely not a third union!     

Let’s see if we can find a script to follow!