Jealousy is a normal emotion, arising when someone feels insecure about their relationship (whether that relationship is with a romantic partner, a parent, a sibling, or a friend). Everyone experiences jealousy at some point in their lives. But problems can arise when jealousy moves from a healthy emotion to an unhealthy and irrational one.
Irrational and excessive jealousy can eventually destroy your relationship. Learn how to deal with jealousy and insecurities in a relationship so that you can overcome this emotion and strengthen your partnership.
Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat—real or imagined—to a valued relationship.1 The jealous partner fears that an outsider is trying to win the affections of their loved one. Along with jealousy, an insecure partner may also feel angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed, which is why jealousy can be dangerous.2
A little jealousy can be reassuring in a relationship and may even be programmed into us. However, a lot of jealousy is overwhelming and scary, especially because it can lead to dangerous behaviors like stalking, digital dating violence, and physical abuse.3
There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve without being addressed. Jealousy is not an emotion that can be banished with wishful thinking. It goes right to the core of the self and has deep roots, and it takes awareness and effort to overcome these feelings.
Occasional jealousy is natural, but when it becomes intense or irrational, it can seriously damage a relationship. Being able to distinguish between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy is important to the success of your partnership.
In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds couples not to take each other for granted. Jealousy also can motivate couples to appreciate one another and make a conscious effort to make sure their partner feels valued.
Jealousy also heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate.4 In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship.5
When a healthy relationship experiences jealousy, it comes from a place of protection. One person sees a potential threat to the relationship and expresses concern or jealousy. Together, the couple discusses the issue rationally and comes to an agreement on how to move forward. They are both committed to the relationship and are not insecure about who they are as individuals.
Unhealthy Jealousy
When jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different. Irrational or excessive jealousy is often a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship.
Eventually, jealous people feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities that they begin to exert control over their partners. They may resort to financial abuse, verbal bullying, and violence in order to maintain control and alleviate or mask their feelings.
Unhealthy jealousy is rooted in fear of abandonment and a worry about not being truly loved.1 Unhealthy jealousy is characterized by:
- Being paranoid about what the partner is doing or feeling
- Demanding an account of where the partner has been
- Displaying unusual insecurity and fear
- Engaging in storytelling and making accusations that are not true
- Excessively questioning a partner's behaviors and motives
- Following or stalking a partner to confirm whereabouts
- Infringing on the partner's freedom or prohibiting them from seeing friends or family
- Reading emails and texts or listening to voicemails expecting to discover infidelity or a lie3
- Texting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart
Causes of Jealousy
When faced with a situation that might provoke jealousy, someone who struggles with this emotion may respond with fear, anger, grief, worry, sadness, doubt, pain, self-pity, and humiliation. They also may generally feel suspicious or threatened, or they may struggle with a sense of failure.1
Jealousy can happen for many reasons, including:
- Being insecure or having a poor self-image
- Fearing abandonment or betrayal
- Feeling intense possessiveness or a desire for control
- Having a misguided sense of ownership over a partner
- Having unrealistic expectations about relationships in general
- Maintaining unrealistic expectations of a partner
- Reliving a hurtful experience of abandonment in the past
- Worrying about losing someone or something important.
Geen opmerkingen:
Een reactie posten