Why didn’t we make it last?

I often ask myself these questions…. What went wrong? What was that one thing that started the snow ball of negativity rolling down hill?

Questions like these are asked,  so  many times, by many folks these days----- that it now seems like the norm  to split- up after just a short or even a long period of time of living with the right person (we thought was the right person.) Now the future of happiness seems like an impossible dream. Many Triggers generate feelings for years later, bringing back painful emotions and memories of strong words that cut deeper than a 10” blade are still fresh in our minds even after a few years have passed. These deep emotions are like hell on earth,  because “ Never  did  you stop caring about this person that you vowed to Love honor and protect until Death do you part , but yet you couldn’t make it last. Why didn’t we find a way to make it last?  People always seem to have a pride issue that will destroy what might have been a salvageable relationship, had they just dropped their pride. These are the famous words that still ring pretty loud in my head: “I’m no longer happy with you. You are no long the person I thought you were. You are a stranger who no longer make me smile. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t Love you like I once did. You will always have a special place in my heart, but I no longer want to share my life with you. I want a divorce, it’s over….” When you are on the receiving end of that, you walk away thinking how could I have been so wrong thinking that these mega years of sharing your lives together were all a lie. But they weren’t a lie, they were temporary truths (temporary truths are feelings that stop flowing.) The relationships today are not based on the permanent truths. Folks are not willing to work overtime to make it last. Why should we give it that extra effort it is so much easier to split up? Throw away all the years as if it wasn’t of any value to hold onto the investment, the sacrifices.  

My very Talented Eldest son sings about “Please stay, don’t walk away from me” I have to believe that his parents split affected him pretty deeply that he created the song because he does not want what happened his parents to happen to him, to have history repeat itself in his life. You know, the sins of the father (mistakes) will affect the son(s) deeply,  and the emotional issues of the mother will affect the daughters outlook on life ( feeling like I will never let what happen to my mother happen to me.)

As a man you react  by walking away ---Since you have your pride and nothing else, you pack what you can pack and book your escape route to new horizons. You start searching for happiness because the new status is that of solitude and loneliness. Then when you do meet someone (you think you can find happiness with.) That new person stirs those feeling of possibilities. But that doesn’t last either. 

Why can’t we make it last?

Clear and simple you have unfinished business (the mess that is still in your head), you have to close the door you just walkout of before you can open another door and setup residence, your life is still swirling   with the drama which brings back memories of the past…. You want peace and honesty in your NEW relationship, but you are not at peace with your own emotions. Since most men are never taught to deal with emotions very well we either turn emotions that are deep and painful into anger or we just shrug it off as ---‘I should not be feeling this crap, I’m a man and men should be able to pick themselves up and dust themselves off and move on.’ Only women deal with these emotions ( it’s a sign of weakness when a man shows emotions that make us seem vulnerable. We either move on or we become a crazy vindictive maniac filled with hate and envy, jealousy or we turn off those emotions and replace them with --------not caring anymore----- which makes it seem easier to let go of the past. 
Because you have turned off the switch of caring you can’t find instant happiness in a new person, who for the most part has all the attributes you want in a woman, and you have feelings for her that you treat as superficial so that you can’t see as a relationship that can go the distance. Which is what you want at this stage in your life (creating conflict) but you are still dealing with the lack of faith that you can make a relationship last, your history is that----- you blew one long term relationship not too long ago.     Dating and games are for other players. You had your days in that arena. It was fun, but once you matured and have started building a solid foundation for---- your version of an ideal family. As a mature man - You live for others, you are dependable and you want to have those members of your family with you every Holiday and every special occasion. But the end of your prior relationship has put you in place that makes it hard to do that.  Maybe the answers aren't all that complicated you may just need to get back to the point where you let the Feeling Flow.
 Whenever you stop the feelings from flowing you interrupt the natural order and then you question ‘IS THIS IT?’, is this all there is?, are you seeing  others living the life you wish you could and suddenly the person in your life no longer fill that need you have for Happiness, BECAUSE you have not resolved the issues that still haunt you. You stopped the feelings from flowing and now you can’t get it started again because of what is still in your head.
Maybe the answers are in these words below.

We just need to just ------let the feelings  Flow, and never let  go------- to make it work.

Who's fantasy is it anyway?

Many moons ago I was compelled to read some of Sigmund Freud works. Now that I’m older and maybe a bit wiser, I find myself analyzing situations on ‘Expectations’. These thought take me down a road that makes me wonder what is truly happening between the sexes and how would Sigmund Freud analyze it. We Men would love to think that we have some control with statements like “Act like Lady, and think like a man” and women are thinking it’s their turn to grab control and have their fantasies fulfilled.

Men so do not want to deal with the attitudes that make us feel like we are inadequate in a modern World where women are leading in so many different category.  In some countries (like Colombia) a good man can still have choices of many willing women and can take his time and pick one of many whom will say to him: ”I will Love to call you ‘Papi’.”

Therefore I have to state for the record that Sofia Vergara is my fantasy woman of late. A mother of a 19 year old son who is hotter that ‘hot’ who's thoughts are  like many Colombian woman, that coming to America she will find the  --Al Bundy type--- , and he will become  her  dream husband.

Please note that the back of this dude’s head looks like mine (with not much hair at the crown) .  But the ladies in the room don’t seem to care about his looks, they are looking at him like he is special Knight in Armor  and is saying all the right  things that is connecting with them ,(maybe the translator next to him is making everything sound like a script written for Denzel Washington)

Man's delima with his fantasies. (they seldom happen)

A night out at a local club can have a man wondering what it would be like if he could just have his pick of performers on stage. Just this once!

“I which that I could live the life I keep dream about!”after 4 beers and a boiler maker he is feeling  no pain. So rejection will not faze him

A dream come through.

The phone call you can’t believe

the call you’ve been dreaming about finally comes and as a fella that wished that his mate would surprise you once in a while with a fantasy night, you are surprised by the tone in her voice and the direct question 

”How about a threesome tonight?”

So you go shopping for trouble? A threesome might be on her mind (her version may not exactly be  most guy’s fantasy!

So, whose fantasy is this anyway? 

What is she thinking???

Ever wonder if she is really into you? Or are you just servicing her fantasy.

Here is the problem women watch porn now also and expect men to last for the duration of the night. Men are pressured to last longer by focusing on something else might be the order of the day to go the distance.

I can go all night, I hope you can keep up!

You are so 'hot' I'm sorry I forgot  your name…….. Ooops!

"Why do you seem so not interested?"

“I'm thinking about  a new BMW..”

Once again I’m so disappointed, after all that hype!

In the End I believe woman still prefer having MEN surprise them in a way men are seldom  willing to.

"Honey get ready for a surprise to night. I’m cooking up your favorite. Dinner will be served upon your command."

I believe Sigmund Freud would  have a lot to say about  the word command being a ‘Freudian slips’ 

Woman can act like a Lady (male definition or female definition), but will not think like a man

Here is WHY, I believe that the book and the movie is dealing with fictional issues , but not realistic events.

No woman will see the humor in this wedding cake  picture. Whereas A guy married or single can get with his boys and laugh at this being a good prank to have the caterer send this cake to his wedding ceremony. But no Woman even his mother and female family members will see the humor in this implied escape from captivity, even if they don’t like his bride of choice. If a guy with his boys ever called the caterer and suggest the creation of this cake  the woman in his family and her family will shoot the caterer  for even entertaining this as a funny joke. To them this is a symbol of men not wanting to be tied down to commitment and vows.

This is ‘Not FUNNY’ to women. They just can’t laugh at this!

Exhibit I

Another Point and case is a man getting Tired of dealing with a woman’s issues.

Fellas will see another fella in a crowd with this T-shirt and comment “I know exactly what that dude is talking about”, while his Lady will not understand how a man could ever feel this way about his woman!

Exhibit II

Exhibit III

Men can entertain the idea of being with a woman whom they see as useless for the most part as long she looks good. But women can’t be with  a man that can’t do the  things she wants…. done

All men single and Married would Love to have his  remote control that he can press a button and get what he wants when he point it at his girlfriend  or wife.

 

Exhibit IV

If a single guy had the 2 button remote sitting on his coffee table his boys would have a good laugh and want to borrow it, while no girl friend would come over and see it as something funny.

If a married Man had the multi-button remote even hidden in his desk or night stand he would not be able to get his wife to even crack a smile when he points it at her and press one of the buttons. No matter which one he pressed it would not be funny to her. The thought that she could be controlled with a remote, is simply not even a thought that she would entertain… as a possibility!

So after displaying these 3 examples as to why woman will never think like a man, (humor is necessary to think like a man. ) IF they can’t see what men see as funny they will never be able to embrace what men think as their own thoughts. I rest my case.

Steve Harvey, may be the best salesman on selling this message in his book and have a movie created on the subjects. Folks will buy into it as a entertainment possibility.  I however know better, by knowing that women can’t single file their thoughts. As soon as a thought is tied to an emotion it is not longer a single file it has ties therefore it  becomes a female thought, and no longer is how a man thinks, therefore woman cannot think like a man.  

4 Ways to turn her on, Location, location, location location

For many women, a simple touch can be an exhilarating turn-on. Blame nostalgia: The mere sight of your fingers at work can evoke deep memories—in backseats, on blankets, and in dark hallways. Sadly, most women complain their men zero in on the sensitive goodies too soon and spend little time exploring other parts of their bodies. That's why I've uncovered the 4 touching tricks to turn her on. When it comes to using your hands, knowledge isn't just power—it's pleasure.

In The Car

A road trip is worth the price of gas if she  can lie back and soak up the attentions of the driver's right hand. You should focus on the road.

You have nothing but time, so take things slowly—this is what she love. For the length of an average song (perhaps "Slow Hand" by the Pointer Sisters?), glide your hand languidly up and down her thigh, Keep it there for a moment. Take in the scenery. Look at that scenic vista. Added value . say Nice things about her, to her, whisper in her ear if possible.

True, you have no leverage. This limits you to gentle touching. She loves gentle touching. A featherlight stroke over her pants makes her nerves stand on end. Resist the urge to delve deeper into areas that may make her : "No not here!'.

I you are lucky. (Okay, it's about time for her pants to come off. And maybe, uh, park—over there, now.)

A dark lounge

A shadowy corner of a swank lounge is the grown-up version of a house parties during high school. Here's one place where making out in public is condoned, if not encouraged. Kiss her neck, nibble her ear, and engage in deep, wet kisses while stroking her lower back and sliding your hands through her hair. If she will let you touch her hair!

Invite her to sit on your lap sideways with her legs crossed. being touched intimately in a crowded bar, with music blasting, a cold drink in hand, and your warm breath on the back of her neck, is a thrill that lasts—and will continue at home. These are apetizer moments.

The Shower

The pillars of female orgasm are rhythm and pressure, which is why they love to climb on top and sort of take over. One of the best ways to replicate that is only possible in the shower, with you providing a sudsy forearm as a hobbyhorse for her to ride on.

But hold on, cowboy. Just because you're both already hot and wet doesn't mean she doesn't need foreplay. I'm sure I'm not the first  to tell you how sexy it feels to have her hair washed by a man. Massaging shampoo into her scalp will release tension and allow her to focus on her body instead of her to-do list. After rinsing out her tresses, suds her up from head to toe. A hypoallergenic soap that won't irritate her sensitive nooks and crannies. Spend ample time on her shoulders, breasts, bottom, and thighs.Encourage her to move against your arm. Ultimately, let her take over, setting the pace and pressure she needs to reach her peak. For maximum pleasure get a spa shower and you both can enjoy the two for one massage, good hands and water jets. This can do so much for you and her.

The Couch

As you watch TV, give her a foot rub that gradually becomes a calf rub and then a thigh massage. By the time your hand is on her thigh, the television should be off and your lips should be on hers. Raise her shirt and kiss her stomach, then head south while working her jeans off her hips.  A recent Australian study found that an oral-manual combination is the surest path to her orgasm.

These four locations, could become your spots where memories are created and can enhance your pleasures just based on those memories. "Remember when we' might just be enough to get things stirring and the preview is swirling in both your heads.



Many women prefer to be stimulated , just by you asking what she likes best. Alternate between oral sex and  two-handed technique until you find out which move makes her crazier than any other.

Romance is not dead as some would have you believe. "come on baby light my fire"

Does your baby have to look like this to set you on 'fire' these days, what if she doesn't can you still get excited about her? with out going to the top less bar and coming home with a boner ready to smack and wax that A$$.

Ladies,If you are  thinking you  wish your guy would find ways to 'light your fire' in a good way. You might want to take a page out of this old player's playbook. I lived in cold climates during my prime time years. I even built a fire place in each of  my 2 homes I owned. My ex-wife claimed she got pregnant  with my first son during one of our special moment in front of the fire place in the first home we owned. When we built the second home I had to have a fireplace (but then we had two sons running around) they needed to go visit Grand-ma often so that we could use the fire place the way we wanted.
The picture shows a fire place  that  looks just like mine which built with  my carpentry skills I learned from my DAD. But I taught myself to be romantic with some help from the female who told me: ' BAD you are so romantic when you are creative.' Fire places with Aroma fire canisters became my signature as a mood setter. here is an oldie for back in the day " Ohio players were the group that came out with a song called "FIRE"
It reflected what was combustible about LOVE  which was passion and sharing body heat.
'The way you walk and talk really sets me off'   was part of   the lyrics that I remember well: this complimented the lady about what it was about her that got your juices flowing and set you on fire. Now you just needed to get her arroused also by being  Romantic and Loving.

check it out the lyrics, I can still here the song in my head right now.
                                 Fire

The way you walk and talk really sets me off
To a fuller love, child, yes, it does, uh
The way you squeeze and tease, knocks to me my knees
Cause Im smokin, baby, baby

The way you swerve and curve, really wrecks my nerves
And Im so excited, child [Yeah], woo, woo
The way you push, push lets me know that youre good
[Youre gonna get your wish] Oh, yeah

Fire (What I said, child, ow)
Fire (Uh-huh)
Got me burnin, burnin, burnin
Got me burnin, burnin, burnin (Yeah)
Got me burnin, burnin, burnin (Yeah)

Woo...hoo...hoo...baby
Start burnin, burnin baby
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh
Burnin, burnin baby
Oh, baby

When you shake what you got, and girl, youve got a lot
Youre really somethin, child, yes, you are
When youre hot youre hot, you really shoot your shot
Youre dyn-o-mite, child, yeah

Well, I can tell by your game, youre gonna start a flame
Love, baby, baby
Im not gon choke from the smoke, got me tightenin up my stroke
Do you feel it, girl, yeah

Now no one talks like that anymore. We talk at each other but not to each other.

The 'flame' takes on a different meaning these days. The passion is about fighting about cheating and outside baby mama's and 'why can't you just come home and light my Fire, instead of me having to hear that you were over at  that  B!tch house again'

The TV show 'the game' is about just that.... Ball player and their women having these issues. Folk went nuts when the network canceled  'the game' and insisted that they bring it BACK..

Why? because  in the story lines they are livig these story book lives with the same drama we are dealing with every day. TV gives us an upscale version of our lives of drama. 

Why would I want to relive that mess while I'm watching something that should be entertainment 

I must admit I watch it some times but I'm not living their drama so I'm not affected by it.

This is my version of "come on baby light my fire' 

 It's the 'body heat' that is combustible. Not the fire in the fireplace that is just a mood setter, as is the movie and soft ligtts,  and the right wine and finger food.Soft music.  a little Joe Cocker :  'You are so beautiful to ME'

Try listening to any or all of the following just click and watch/listen to these Youtube videos they just might get you in that Romantic state of mind:

•  I'll be good to you, I Promise" 
• This brother made it real: you just had to listen to the  music and let him help you out when you had to deal with a tough situation
• How do you keep the music playing, how do you make it last 
• On the wings of Love! 
•  I  just want to concentrat on you
• One hundred way to compliment
• Every player avoided the L-bomb back in the day but, had this way to say just listen to 'LOVE ballad' if you want to now how I feel was a classic response to "do you LOVE me" 
• Never knew Love like this before 
• IFonly for one night
• A house is not a home without my baby
• Love come Down was the jam that made fellas look up to see where it was coming from  
• The closer I get to you
• You want me to be Your secret Love
• Endless Love
• Can I take you out tonight
• I think about you even though we have not met
• We brothers are finding out there is nothing better than Love 
• A Younger brother is bring the romance back Superstart Ushers version

• 
  

Ships that Pass in the Night

Out in the sky the great dark clouds are massing;
I look far out into the pregnant night,
Where I can hear the solemn booming gun
And catch the gleaming of a random light,
That tells me that the ship I seek
is passing, passing.
My tearful eyes my soul's deep hurt are glassing;
For I would hail and check that ship of ships.
I stretch my hands imploring, cry aloud,
My voice falls dead a foot from mine own lips,
And but its ghost doth reach that vessel, passing, passing.
O Earth, O Sky, O Ocean, both surpassing,
O heart of mine, O soul that dreads the dark!
Is there no hope for me? Is there no way
That I may sight and check that speeding bark
Which out of sight and sound is passing, passing? 

Paul Laurence Dunbar

The fact that its a Guy that wrote this poem and not a woman makes me pause and question. WHY? 

We fellas hunt at night and don't cry unless we get shot down.  The SHIP that passed you and didn't even acknowledge your existence is not worth crying about. The Ship that blows the horn, is ---- because she is friendly and acknowledge your existence. THE REASON GUYS LOOSE  interest at times is because some woman use banter as a weapon and the guy is thinking what 'the hell is this, will she ever let up.' I don't know if I want to take too much of this. How about saying something nice once in a while..... If you show me your softer side I will cuddle with you, I can give you the support you need. But your actions are pushing my buttons and I'm not a remote control that changes the chanell every time we talk. So ease up on the banter..... It does not work past the first few minutes.

Young Female statement and questions:

"I once read that girls brains are like spaghetti, with all the thoughts mixing together at the same time, and that boy brains are like waffles, with boys only being able to focus on one square at a time. But I've always wondered why a guy will pay attention to a girl one day, then the next act like she's not even there. Since girls are obviously the most attention-drawing thing in the room for boys, why does it take them so long to switch from whatever square they were in to their "there is a female here" squares? Why do they treat a girl like the apple of their eye one day, then ignore them the next?!! Please explain!!

-One who is possibly going to pass into a coma from banging my head on the wall"

Therapist response:

This question is fun, but also tricky. I will do my best.

First of all, I like your analogy, and I think there's some truth to it. In this case, though, I think it's the wrong diagnosis. When guys suddenly act like they can't tell if you are a girl or a chair, it's not because they're having a Brain Attack; it's because of Jerk Disorder, or Congenital Awkwardness Pants. Dudes decide to ignore you, or they are so derpy that they get confused about how to act; they are not literally blind to you. I'll come back to this in a bit, but first I want to make a very general observation:

 Why Guys Suddenly Ignore You

Guys ignore girls because it usually works

When "He is Just Not That into You" There's an opposite-sex corollary to this, expressed to me by a good friend when I was exploring the dating World and I was trying to figure out what was going on with a woman who supposedly liked me. He said, "If you don't know what's going on, nothing's going on." And nothing was.
Months later I received a call from that same woman and she asked why I stopped chasing her, she realized that now the table had turned (she was now willing to meet me half way), I had moved on and had a steady romantic interest. “Sorry I’m NOT THAT INTO YOU anymore” was my reply ( I tried to be as polite as possible.)
What was an initial attraction did not become a romatic  situation, there wasn’t much she could say to change my mind at that point.
Here are the facts if a guy wants to call or text you, he will. If he likes you, he will make the effort. And if he doesn't, that means ‘he's not that interested’.

Don't trip, know how to pick her up and sweep her off her feet.

Fellas, a little planning goes a long way.
In the court of dating, women are judge and jury, but the testimony that they'll hear—mostly from their hearts, but also from their Greek chorus of girlfriends—will all take place out of your earshot. The rules are unwritten (until now), but they are set in stone. Give the ladies a really good reason, however, and they'll toss the tablets aside—along with most of their inhibitions. That's because women want you, the right guy, to make the decision easy. How? By following these simple tips to master the art of flirtation.



1) watch for the signal. i.e. SHE already sent you the Zoolander eye lock, the eyebrow raise, and/or at least two smiles (full, open-lipped, teeth smiles).Go over there and talk to her already. Caveat: There's a small chance she thinks you're funny looking (not funny ), but go ahead, have some balls. She's worth it.


‎2 Convince her Quickly

Once you have the green light, it doesn't matter what you say first. You now have 5 minutes to


 convince her to keep talking. Make the most of it.


3 Obey the 2-Day Rule
If you call within 24 hours, you'll seem desperate. If you wait 3 days, she'll be annoyed that you purposely waited 3 days. So call on day 2.
I was corrected on this one. a female friend told me: The majority of women don't think like that. Women usually want a guy to call them. Only men put rules on when or when not to call, and use the term desperate. If she likes you, she wants you to call. It's simple like that.

‎4 Don't Ask her to Hang Out


When you ask her to "hang out" and it's just the two of us and you don't have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), she will assume it's a date. To avoid confusion, say, "I'd like to take you out" instead of, "Wanna hang out?"

‎5 A smart Man Plans Ahead


If you want to see HER this weekend, call HER by Thursday. If you want to see HER naked tonight, call HER before you're drunk at 1 a.m

‎6 Know When to Quit

If you call HER twice and get no callback, game over. Don't keep calling, e-mailing, or sending flowers. when you do them, SHE THINKS "stalker."

7 Should you panic if  you  drop the L(bomb)? 

here’s no going back after those three little words slip out of your mouth. And according to a new Glamour report, more than half of the 1,000 men surveyed admitted to prematurely dropping the words, “I love you.” 

Infatuation, which is marked by physical attraction and intense chemistry, could play a role. It lowers your inhibition. Think about it like drunk driving: When you’re having sex with someone you can’t get enough of, it’s as if you’re operating under the influence. “Mix that with alcohol and you have a guy who is all too willing to blurt out the L word,”  (Do men fall in love faster than women?)

An “I love you” in this “intoxicated” state could be just that: an expression of a moment—more connected to desire and arousal than the relationship itself. (If you’re curious, here is what sex does to your brain.)

But you’d be surprised how many proposals happen in the bedroom during sex. While that sense of chemistry and attraction is easy to downplay—oh, I was drunk—it’s also what builds a relationship. So if “I love you” slipped out, it’s not to say you’re not with the right person, it just might not be the right time.

A good way to tell you mean it? You want to include her in all parts of your life—and want to be included in hers. If your boss invites you to dinner with his wife and you don’t want to bring yours, something’s missing

8 Have game plan for her BAD mood.

If she’s not happy, you’re not getting anything: attention, dinner, or—most importantly—sex. Time to help her bad mood. According to a Harvard University study, it’s not that tough: Women are happier in a relationship when their partner understands when they’re upset. How come? Researchers believe being in tune with her emotions shows your investment and engagement in a relationship.

But how do you “show you understand?” Follow these three tips

9 Thou Shalt Not Solve
It’s a well-known male trait: You like to fix things. Broken window? I’ll fix it right now. But if she starts talking about her bad day, don’t treat her like a broken window. “Women are more interested in expressing the problem than hearing the solution,”  Listen with open ears and a closed mouth. If asked for solutions, come to the rescue. Remember: Simply expressing her problem to you can relieve her anxiety. 

10 Use a Parallel Situation
Here’s where we’re similar: Both men and women are sensitive to nonverbal cues—if you have a feeling that she’s acting absent or cold, you’re probably right. The trick? Don’t try to warm her up

Instead, use a parallel situation. If you have a hunch her bad day has to do with Karen at work, talk about some of your coworkers’ annoyances, and then ask her about her day. She may be more likely to tell you what’s up if she knows you can relate. If she explodes, don’t worry. Here are 11 Ways to Calm Down an Angry Woman. 

Use the Magic Number Three
“Women are bakers and men are chefs.”  You want the instant gratification—flipping a burger, or knowing she feels better right now. She will set something in the oven, wait, and feel better after some time.

Ask three times what’s going on. If she doesn’t budge, then drop it. “Space is a form of nonverbal communication,” says Salem. Use it wisely. Asking too many questions can push her deeper into a well of denial or depression. She might defer talking until a later time. Let her. She’ll appreciate you waiting to talk when she wants to.

This info came to me  as a result of many years of me F****UP and still living to talk about it..