That 3am kiss Bye bye

It’s 3am! you know, you have to get up and go home.

No sleeping over!

I was asked why I think my perspective is always the “Right one” in my blog posts.

My response was ‘it’s this simple it is my “B.A.D. perspective” therefore I have a built-in disclaimer, using B.A.D, as my initials label. It’s not that I’m always "right," I can be wrong from time to  times. I am not going to write and have a debate with myself, about my being right or wrong.’

Then I was told I’m like one of  those guys that have a “1 year dating rule.” I write like there will be no discussion after it’s over. “You would date a woman and them after one year you just leave her, hanging, or disillusioned or even worse hoping for a continuation of the affair!” my response  ‘Come again!? I usually date someone for at least 2 years before determining that it can not work long term, unless she just ends the relationship first.

‘I don’t have an one year dating rule! And I don’t leave women hanging when it’s over… where are you getting this stuff from?’ this was obviously her perspective on my love life. A debate she wanted to have with me, for whatever reason… I was not having it.

Her rebuttal “But you write a blog that is always one-sided, no responses allowed.”  SMDH. ‘this is MY blog posted on the Worldwide web, do you know how many crazy folks would love to start a debate with me at any point and time out there on the NET, saying things that are totally off the wall.’ So here she comes at me again with “this is totally infuriating… people want to have their say on what your perspective is!”  “ you write your statements and then Bye, Bye, things are so final.” she sounded like she was officially offended on behalf of all  womankind. “You don’t leave the door open for further discussions. No opportunity for emails or text messages, nothing!”  My rebuttal ‘Well, when you put it like that. Why don’t you write a counter blog to rival mine then, you will send more traffic to my blog because you would have to show what points of mine you are contradicting’ for example I once wroe blog post in answer to Oprah one time. I don't want to debate Oprah either, so I only did it one time. Here is an old blog post about Mr. Right , here is another about talented women leaving her man.
You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought. My SXMperspective Blogspot is for entertainment purposes only. It started out as a dare I never dreamed I would still be writing after these many years.‘ so here she comes back at me again “So you admit now that I’m right”  Well here were my final words on the matter ‘ You are Most certainly not right . I’m just saying I get it why you think you are right!’  

But she still got the final words in  “Ughr, you are such a 3 am kisser!”

To be totally frank that left me some what stumped. Now, where was this  coming from, she is a very long time friend we have known each other for a very long time. We even thought about sleeping  in the same bed together once. But we never did… since she had the nerve to rate me a “possible 9” …..Who does that? And she tells me that right before  we almost slept together. Who the hell rates someone a “9” an odd number SMDH. based on what??? My not yet performance VS her previous lovers’ performances… which man wants to hear that….a comparison of her sex partners and her speculating on my performance she has not yet experienced. I still don’t know, how to rate her,  and I don’t want to rate her. May if there was a number for "irritating" I could just use the number. But that “The 3 am kisser,” sound like a dude that would leave a woman hanging in the middle… I’m not that guy… I give relationships a fair chance to grow and develop, but if it doesn’t...I bow out gracefully and leave, the woman alone, closing the door behind me.

While some woman, like my friend in this case,  may see me as an ego tripping dude because I write stuff and people read it. Let me just say this. I’m not on some ego trip. I’m not that good of a writer. I’m just having fun with words, and have the option to publish it.

We men are driven by 4 factors and that is;
1) Who we are.
2) What we do,
3) how driven we are to succeed, and
4) who we do things for…..No matter if the  man is a CEO, a CON-man, or both, everything a man does is filtered through his title, his opinion of himself (who is he) in my case, my parents challenged me by giving me these B.A.D. initials. Go figure, I had very loving parents! But yet they put me in position to have to defend my initials all the time.  So why did they do this to me? I have yet to find much reward from my initials. Maybe my little cousins who both were given my Initials, by their dad and grandfather, two cousins in N.Y. who thought it was cool to do that a babies. One little boy has the B.D. and they call him that….and the other has B.A.D. initials  I’m not sure what they will call him after he grows up he is still a baby. I didn’t give my sons neither of them both of my first two initials even though they both have one each as their middle initials. Both of their first name begins with a “T”. Makes it easier for me to remember… I can just refer to them as “T” <smirking>, and not call either of them by the wrong name. Maybe their mother thought that way also, I named our first son giving him his first name , and she picked the middle name, she named our  second son and I, in turn, picked the middle name. So you see I always give women first choices on options, “I’m not a 3am... bye bye Kisser!”

As you can tell I’m still perplexed,and even irritated a bit by her comments. I guess I will have to get over it or research what it really means, why some people get under your skin so easily. When a woman want to debate your every point…. it bugs a man!

I wish I had a  old style way of posting things, using a typewriter,  my blog would be posted in a paper back magazine, instead of having so much research material easily available on the Net. that could counter my points, my opinions and my perspective.  That way I would seem smarter, when I write. Picture me clicking away this post with a pipe in my mouth on a typewriter. That would be so “cool” in my view!

Writers  who used typewriters didn’t need Spell Checkers, they could write and never have to annoyed by auto correct fixing their perceived  errors.

And they wouldn’t  have anyone questioning their opinions…… either!

    

How dejected does one feel after a snub or a put down?

Most of us go through life, pretty much feeling Okay about ourselves. But  then suddenly you get snubbed by someone or you are put down by some people you admire, you feel rejected  followed by a sense of dejection. And even sadness! As a man you just suck it up and ignore the feelings because  we men don’t feel these kinds of emotions. Yeah, Right?

You insulted me and you act like is all OK,
you are so self centered and selfish! 

When a woman feels rejected or snubbed it hit her very hard, but yet women  may not take a man’s feelings into consideration, when they do it to men.

Women have little if any empathy for men when they do some of the following things:

1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn’t like the way he dresses. She could say it casually as he is getting dressed “ I told you I don’t like that shirt on you. So wear another one tonight if you want to be seen with me in public.”

2. She might trample all over a sensitive guy’s feelings. Then she might reopen the wound  by talking about it again. “Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? I hated seeing you wearing that combination. Don’t do it again!

3. She can flat out tell him he has no taste in clothing. “Let me take you shopping one day? I would pick out an outfit for you, that I approve of, I will spend your money wisely.

You will look at how I expect you to look next to me”

4. Then when she realizes how dejected he feels. She might say “ There is something I want to talk to you about but I don’t know how to say it . I don’t want to offend you, but I also really want to say it, “you have horrible taste in clothing!”

“What a beautiful romantic setting,

we shouldn’t  argue here!”

Let’s explore another example:

If she doesn’t like her man’s  table manners and they are alone, she could say (with a disapproving look)  “would you use your silverware correctly?” or “would you drink your beer from a glass?” If , however, you are in front of other folks, it is flat out insulting to say those things. Well there will be times when a guy will behave in a  way that embarrasses a woman, But if she tells him when other folks are around then she will crush him. The act of giving negative feedback. Is flat out wrong!

One of the most difficult challenges in our love relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into major  arguments and then without much warning into battles of the sexes. Suddenly couples stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing , demanding, doubting  and resenting.

Well men can be very cruel also, when we become critical of the opposite sex.

What really happens when we argue?  

Without understanding how men and women are different, it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our  lover but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t sting as much as the way  in which we communicate with them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our difference of opinions. (Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times). However  practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, can be easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of our differences,  but it escalates into a battle instead. When we refuse to accept or understand the content of our partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point a view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If out counter part’s attitude is disrespectful. Our self esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.

The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point, of  views without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect our feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them. It’s  not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged,  his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be kind as well. Automatically his ability  to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases, He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this to the woman. Well men are guilty of of unknowingly hurting women by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset.  When women  start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about the man’s behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a woman neglects to buffer and filter her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused.  Because she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

Final thoughts:

Do you not know that I love you

and would not intentionally hurt your feelings?

The phrase “ I don’t care!” is the most hurtful phrase you can hear  when it’s said in an argument between the sexes, To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two people to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip the problem in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an ugly argument. Then STOP talking and take a time-out.  Reflect on how you are not giving the other person what they need, at the time they need it. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but change your tone and be more respectful. Yes, Time-outs allows us to cool off, thus healing our wounds, and allowing us to center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

Is the guy that causes a toe-curling Orgasm “the One?”

Joe Big Willy here,  really rocked my boat!

How would you know unless you have experienced this “Super O” with someone  to be able to make a serious assessment….

There are guys who cause it “one time,” and then there are guys who are like renewable energy and they bring it on time and time again. Some guys are spectacular at stirring your pot and and making you dinners “that are just  to die for,” served on the balcony of your penthouse condo. And then there are those who are “50 shades of shady.” but yet great in bed. So which one is “the One” who can pop you off like no one else has done in your past or may not  do in your future. The fact is women are now in position to chose, maybe even sample a bit here and there, if they are so inclined.(for comparison purposes only)

As we are well into the 2nd decade of the 21st century, and are just about to start the 3rd decade … Many Women have to be dealing with a tremendous amount of trust issues. Men are no longer simple to deal with, Men have not been in the driver's seat like their dad’s were, men of upstanding character were hard workers, providers, supporters…. these men are getting  harder and harder to find. Why do you think that is? It very well may be that their power of having the luxury of choosing which woman they want is steadily being taken away.  

So why is this? Aren’t men basically the same as men from the past? Answer “No.”

To best answer that question let me  reverse the question….. Aren’t women basically the same as women from the past?  The answer is a resounding “NO”.

Just count how many wonderful women are graduating with Masters and PhD degrees these days. Ready to take on the World!  They are the creme de la creme, in the professional World.

And they are women now who want more and more….heightened aware.  They will not be satisfied with who their mother s would have settled for.  Their superwoman status is reserved to join forces  with a superhero, that they are now in a position to chose “the One”, instead of being chosen.  An A+ Mandingo super-hero a true “he man” in all categories. But those number are becoming fewer and fewer  these days. Women that I know are all complaining “Where are the good men at? “

“I went shopping for a good wine, and found a good man,!”

When the movie  “black Panther” was first released the emotions from a male perspective was mixed. None of us normal fellahs wanted to go see it with the woman of our dreams. We were dead scared of the un-realistic comparisons, that would occur, that could put us it the wrong spot light.  

I remember the old movie “Mahogany” with Billy Dee Williams and Diana Ross. Every guy back then wanted to have Billy Dee Williams style and charm, wit and the gift of good looks and a deep smooth voice, that could do whiskey or Brandy commercials.

"I surprise you with that move! Didn’t I?”

“

And young women want to be like Diana Ross, who’s  character had found love with Billy Dee’s Character but her career, as a rising star, was made possible by another man. Which caused  them to drift apart because of her success and stardom the words that stuck in my mind was “ Success is nothing, if you don’t have someone to share it with.”

Now that movie was before it’s time. Women back then were not climbing the success ladder in number like they are today. Women today outnumber male college graduates almost  20 to 1. OK, so what does that mean? Ladies you will not find your equals all that easily.

Not many mating success stories are  that of a Yale or Harvard graduate like Barrack Obama, who meets Michelle on her equal career level at the right time for both of them in Chicago, they were not in Boston...and surely not in N.Y., Phili, Baltimore, L. A. San Francisco, Atlanta, or Miami you can name any number of other cities. How did The Obama’s find each other  in a city that leads the nation in gang violence, Michelle must have been very skeptical about men from the South side or West side or even North Side of Chicago she might have been thinking that none would ever measure up to her needs. But yet her future husband landed at the firm where she was working….. Now that was magical....  We have to remember that he was a journey-man that travel in his youth, while Michelle was a South side Chicago woman, who didn’t have that luxury during her youth. I reference these characters from movies in the 20th century and folks who became President and first lady, their stories were some what similar to Bill and Hillary, Bill was from a small town in Arkansa called “Hope,” but became a Rhode scholar, and Hillary was from the suburbs outside of Chicago. Another interesting story line with a twist.

What is about women from Illinois that snaps up the good men,  these women helped these men go on to become Powerful leaders. Now I know many women don’t even have much to reference in the 21st century, well at least not yet. There might be a few outstanding men on the horizon on the come up. But women are forging  forward without waiting for men. So how will this playout I’m a bit perplexed about that question. Since my two sons are in their prime now. I wonder about their future mates.

They might get the right “one”, I can only hope.

Tell a lie once and all your truths become questionable

His pants is wrinkled and his shoes, all scuffed up,
 they look like he works on a construction site,
 so how can I believe the stories he is telling me, here? 

So why do so many men lose credibility with women, from the jump?  The lies we tell is never fast enough to run away from the truth, and truth will eventually catch up.  We all know the best way to maintain a honest relationship with a woman is to to tell her “the truth,”  she needs to be able to believe you. But we have gotten into BAD habits of hyping up our lives to impress women, so much so, that we mess things up for ourselves and others by lying about things that are trivial. If you start lying to her from the start then all your truths become questionable.  That is a fact, lying to woman is never a good relationship starter. Think about why men lie, men lie to impress, men lie to get over, men lie because the truth is not sexy enough, or impressive enough, in some men's minds.

OK, I can rent this car for the weekend and then return it on Monday!

Men, these days, feel they  need to pretend to be in the fake rich category, to feel like they will impress the woman they want. Rent a luxury  car for the weekend, and be someone you always wanted to be. However Women want  “to fall in Love with a person who can see all of their magic, and to able to remind them of it when they seem to have forgotten “

Wouldn’t this phrase  be wonderful if your magic was based on false truth?  Picture her reminding you of all the lies you told her and then go back and read the above phrase again.  No comparison…..right? The excuse that no one is perfect has become a way of us trying to get around the fact that even your imperfections should be  truths not lies. Imperfect behavior does not mean we have to lie to prove that we are worthy of her time, her affection, her trust.

Men who are reading this are maybe thinking I’m sell out. OK, but if most of us did the right things then “Men and women relationships” will improve remarkably.

Better that 50% divorces annually happen based on falsehoods, this  will drop to a lower percentages, if 50% of the flawed relationships were based on truths.  Men having credibility would change the World. i.e. if the USA had a current president who told the truth instead of making up lies, and having others repeat what he says to cover for his lies, we would not be as offended by him saying the things that are so offensive to many of our ears.

His behaviors as president  is what got me thinking that when men speak women almost always assume it’s a lie, first, these days.  

Do you think this woman just heard a lie, and is questioning if it is or isn’t the truth?

Her smile says otherwise. Well the man looks the part.

My telling  her the truth causes her to smiles!

So I did the smart thing!

 

The following are some of the reason why men lie and argue about  why they had to lie.

1. A man’s logic : “ I don’t like it when she get’s upset over the smallest things, I do or don’t tell the truth about, why I didn’t do what she expected. I feel criticized, rejected, and unaccepted.

2. Men feel they need to be accepted just the way they are. Instead we men feel women are always trying to improve us. Because we are not good enough as we are.

3. Men don’t like it when women start telling them how they should do things. They don’t feel admired. Instead they feel they are being treated like a children.

4. Men avoid and dodge situations to avoid being put down. So men lie to avoid these  judgement moments.

5. A Man doesn’t like it when a woman blames him for her unhappiness. He does not feel encouraged to be her knight in shining armor. So he lies to build himself up to meet her expectations. To be labeled her “hero.” if a woman questions his motives he feels like giving up.

6. A man does not like it when his woman worries about everything that could go wrong. Making him feel like he is not trusted to do the job.

We men need to feel trusted and appreciated for our contributions to a woman security, Instead we are made to feel responsible for the woman’s anxiety.

We all know that women will find out that the story a man told was a lie, which may have been to cover up another lie.

Would you want to lose a good woman just because of all to many  lies?

Therein lies the biggest problem. Men rarely say “I’m sorry, I lied to you”

So women stop feeling that the lies will never stop. Lie to her once and you previous truth  is questioned and analyzed, put in the same box as the lie you just told.

Do you really think I believe what you are telling me?

Women need to feel validated…so  if you value having her in your life , she wants to believe  you will not lie to her.

Hey, wait wasn’t that the car he was driving last weekend,

same license plate number,

But that surely isn’t him driving it now.

I knew I could not believe what he was telling me!

She always calls you when she needs help with something.

I was asked this question; “So why does she always call you when she needs help,
and you drop everything and run to help her? I could hear the annoyance in her tone.

My response: ‘Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.
Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.’

These are not secrets but many people do not seem to know above them,
or they choose to forget when they want to have things changed in their favor.
When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and
less energized; with each passing day he has less to give to the relationship.
On the other hand, when he feels trusted, to do his best to fulfill a females needs
and is appreciated for his given efforts, he is feeling empowered and has more to give.

Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self.
Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

A quick story: One of my best  buddies started dating a younger woman, who took an online
IT class, she was also very flirtatious whenever she saw me, she would flirt with me openly.

I knew he would come to my aid,
he is always so gallant.

My lady at the time did like her very much. However I did, that’s what counts.
So when she asked me to help her figure out how to write a program she was having trouble with
I didn’t hesitate to help her. So she continued asking for my help. I never said ‘NO’,
this annoyed my lady because she felt that this woman was finding ways to get my attention and that
I wanted to spend quality time with her. Maybe I was proving that I still had value to other women
I was not involved with!

So I explained -- ‘had she asked me to dig ditches... I would decline doing that,
but she was asking me to help her do something that I was good at.’
And she was a trainee at her new job, she needed to prove that she could make
the transition from trainee to a professional IT person,
and she was my new friend, and my buddies lady.
OK here again I might  have been showing him up, because he was in sales and marketing,
and no clue about IT systems  development .
Well the fact that she was attractive didn’t hurt my eyes either.
My buddy knew that I’m a friend who respects boundaries.
I would never hit on his woman, unlike him who would hit on every woman he saw.
No matter who she was dating.

What sometimes gets missed is that your  woman wants you to do things that you have no

interest in doing or helping them with stuff that annoy you. So the man response in those cases is  

a resounding “absolutely Not.” A woman likes it if you, as a man, can rescue her from whatever

plight she is faced with. Men love it when they can boast about having helped a woman out of

a tough situation. Boasting about doing things at home proves that you are henpecked…

we hate that label.

Changing a flat tire is still the most outstanding thing a man can help a woman with.

Do you recognize trouble instantly?

There are times when trouble pops up on your radar. As F--ing trouble you should avoided.

Let’s just say if s/he looks like trouble  then s/he most likely is trouble.

Don’t fall for a warm smile just because you think you can do a U-turn, if things do not work out between the two of you. You might not be able to get out from under their spell, so easily. Living with doubt is a tough thing, even a mind numbing thing.

My first instinct was not to trust you! Mine also!

Men and women have the same problems, with trust, these days.

She want to believe he is good man, he wants to believe she is a good woman.

There is where you have  the problem--- in a nutshell---- we are all so jaded. That only after a good amount of  time we finally get over our suspicious natures, about the opposite sex.

Our first instincts are so not trusting, because we don’t want to get played.

Everyone is guilty of something, right? until proven not-guilty, even then we are still wondering if their guilt of wrongdoing, or intended wrong does,  the truth will someday surface. And blowup in our faces, right after we let our guards down. I have to admit I have had trust issues, My classifications of some types of women that has left me overthinking things I need not even be thinking. When You get to that point in your life that everyone you meet falls in some category or another. We are so screwed! The other day I met this lovely lady, a mother of a very cute little boy. She did not give me any  wrong impressions of any kind, at first . So I bought her mother’s day card, and sent to her. Just my way of trying to be a nice guy. I wrote her a personal note, telling her what I admired about her being a dedicated single parent and a loving mother, it brought back memories of my childhood. She loved it and sent me a text msg 2 days later thanking me. NO big deal since I was not expecting her to reach out to me, I was pleasantly surprised. I.e. I was not thinking negatively in advance. But once she contacted me my mind shifted into the overthinking mode. What was she thinking? So I joked with a someone close to me and asked. Why do women ask a man’s age and what he does for living as the first few questions, even before you go out on a date? And, wow the list, my confidant came up with was longer that I have even expected. Must be due to their  experiences. Now I know their experiences must have had something to do with their current trust issues… But classifying and categorizing someone, should not be the first thing you do. Well needless to say I did it as joke but instantly I could not stop thinking about all that was on that blasted list…. Handed to me on silver platter. SMDH!

Man oh man am I sorry I joked about it now--- because I find myself thinking what if my confidant is right, and I fall for this person? Or what if my confidant is dead wrong and and I treat the speculations given  to me as a likely possibility. No one want to fall and find themselves in the wrong situation, OK I most likely will Not fall for woman who is 20+ years my junior . I don't want to miss judge a person, either, who has done nothing to deserve the judgement. Isn’t it  funny how social media can drop things in you stream and your mind start going around and around in circles. I Maybe have trust issues, because I’ve learned to leave the table when love is no longer being served. Oy!

.

Hmmm! Just a friend?  I trust my female friends way more than I trust ex-lovers… the ones who caused my trust issues, to begin with!