How dejected does one feel after a snub or a put down?

Most of us go through life, pretty much feeling Okay about ourselves. But  then suddenly you get snubbed by someone or you are put down by some people you admire, you feel rejected  followed by a sense of dejection. And even sadness! As a man you just suck it up and ignore the feelings because  we men don’t feel these kinds of emotions. Yeah, Right?

You insulted me and you act like is all OK,
you are so self centered and selfish! 

When a woman feels rejected or snubbed it hit her very hard, but yet women  may not take a man’s feelings into consideration, when they do it to men.

Women have little if any empathy for men when they do some of the following things:

1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn’t like the way he dresses. She could say it casually as he is getting dressed “ I told you I don’t like that shirt on you. So wear another one tonight if you want to be seen with me in public.”

2. She might trample all over a sensitive guy’s feelings. Then she might reopen the wound  by talking about it again. “Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? I hated seeing you wearing that combination. Don’t do it again!

3. She can flat out tell him he has no taste in clothing. “Let me take you shopping one day? I would pick out an outfit for you, that I approve of, I will spend your money wisely.

You will look at how I expect you to look next to me”

4. Then when she realizes how dejected he feels. She might say “ There is something I want to talk to you about but I don’t know how to say it . I don’t want to offend you, but I also really want to say it, “you have horrible taste in clothing!”

“What a beautiful romantic setting,

we shouldn’t  argue here!”

Let’s explore another example:

If she doesn’t like her man’s  table manners and they are alone, she could say (with a disapproving look)  “would you use your silverware correctly?” or “would you drink your beer from a glass?” If , however, you are in front of other folks, it is flat out insulting to say those things. Well there will be times when a guy will behave in a  way that embarrasses a woman, But if she tells him when other folks are around then she will crush him. The act of giving negative feedback. Is flat out wrong!

One of the most difficult challenges in our love relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into major  arguments and then without much warning into battles of the sexes. Suddenly couples stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing , demanding, doubting  and resenting.

Well men can be very cruel also, when we become critical of the opposite sex.

What really happens when we argue?  

Without understanding how men and women are different, it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our  lover but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t sting as much as the way  in which we communicate with them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our difference of opinions. (Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times). However  practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, can be easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of our differences,  but it escalates into a battle instead. When we refuse to accept or understand the content of our partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point a view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If out counter part’s attitude is disrespectful. Our self esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.

The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point, of  views without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect our feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them. It’s  not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged,  his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be kind as well. Automatically his ability  to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases, He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this to the woman. Well men are guilty of of unknowingly hurting women by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset.  When women  start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about the man’s behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a woman neglects to buffer and filter her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused.  Because she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

Final thoughts:

Do you not know that I love you

and would not intentionally hurt your feelings?

The phrase “ I don’t care!” is the most hurtful phrase you can hear  when it’s said in an argument between the sexes, To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two people to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip the problem in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an ugly argument. Then STOP talking and take a time-out.  Reflect on how you are not giving the other person what they need, at the time they need it. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but change your tone and be more respectful. Yes, Time-outs allows us to cool off, thus healing our wounds, and allowing us to center ourselves before trying to communicate again.