When a man experiences the happiness of having an offspring on the way.. he knows his life is about to change. I read the following and it got me thinking.
- It’s normal to feel both positive and negative emotions when you find out you’re going to be a dad.
- Try to accept what you’re feeling rather than ignoring it or trying to ‘fix it’.
- If you’re unsure about your situation, consult someone who has been through it.
We’re having a baby: mixed reactions in early pregnancy
For some men, the news that you’re going to be a dad can bring about a mix of feelings – some positive, some not so positive. You could feel panic, anxiety, shock or numbness at first.
It is NOT wrong to feel this way – there might be reasons for these reactions, or you might just need time to adjust. Most men get into it eventually, but it might not feel real until your baby is born. This is when you can actually get involved and start being a dad.
‘Left out’ at pregnancy appointments
Some of your experiences with pregnancy services might not be what you expect.
Although services are getting better at including men in antenatal care, sometimes the system forgets that men are interested and want to be part of the progress. It’s easy to feel invisible if a health professional talks as if your partner is the only one expecting a baby.
I was numbed by the experience … it was all a big shock. We thought, ‘This will take a while. Let’s just start, go off the pill and see what happens’. She was pregnant within about a week or two or something.
I became a father of two sons
Not getting excited about the pregnancy – initially
You might be waiting to make it past the 12-week scan that checks whether your baby is OK before you let yourself get into the pregnancy.
Many people ‘go public’ with the news of the pregnancy at 12 weeks. Others wait until the 20-week scan. If you’re waiting to clear these checks before you let your excitement show, it might look like you’re not interested in the pregnancy. In this case, you could reassure your partner by telling her that you’re happy about the pregnancy but you want to know everything is OK before you get too excited.
When I was told we were expecting a second son, I wanted to hit the obstetrician! The next reaction was, ‘Oh my god, I’m going to have to sell my car!’ At the end of the day, that was a dose of ‘step up to the plate’ for me as well.
Really not into the pregnancy
Perhaps the pregnancy is unplanned – perhaps you don’t want the pregnancy at all – but the mother has decided to go ahead.
This is a very difficult situation, and it’s normal to have strong emotions. It’s good to take some time to think about what you’re feeling. It can also help to learn more about becoming a dad.
If you’re no longer in a relationship with the mother, it’s usually best for your child if you can still be involved. It might help to learn more about co-parenting.
But just reading and thinking probably won’t be enough. Have a conversation with someone you can trust, like a friend, family member or your GP.
Things you can do
- If you have mixed feelings about her pregnancy, try talking to other dads and expectant dads as a way of getting your head around the change.
- Accept what you’re feeling rather than ignoring it or trying to ‘fix it’.
- If your partner is upset that you’re not getting into the pregnancy, reassure her if you can.
- Discuss with your partner about how you can get involved in the pregnancy. For example, you can attend pregnancy appointments and scans.
- If you’re very unsure about your situation, talk with someone you can trust.
- Read more information to help you reflect on what being a dad means to you.
Will I be capable of caring for a baby?
No one is born knowing this stuff, not even your pregnant partner — that's why there are childbirth classes. Depending on what's available in your area, you can take classes as early as the 12th week of pregnancy or one that focuses just on the day of labor and can be taken as late as the eighth month. And some communities offer classes designed just for first-time dads.
Most classes teach how to change a diaper, hold the baby, feed and burp the baby, get the baby to sleep, install a car seat, and childproof your home. You'll also learn where to park your car when you get to the hospital, how to get through labor, and how to care for your baby and your partner when you get home from the hospital.
Along with the lessons, you'll meet other guys going through the same experience who might be dealing with similar feelings, and that can be a huge help. The nurses and childbirth educators who lead these classes have seen dads in a variety of emotional states, so don't feel embarrassed or hesitant about asking them for help.
Will I be a good dad?
Remember that you're not going to have to tackle every part of fatherhood at once. For the first few years, a lot of the parenting involves skills taught in childbirth classes and mastered through practice.
It's much like other new roles that you might take on in your life. If you're married, you didn't automatically know how to be a good husband. You learned along the way with your wife.
You have plenty of time before you have to set curfews, teach your child to drive, and dole out relationship and career advice. These opportunities to teach your child will feel like a natural progression when they arrive. If you need guidance, check for resources in the community, including parenting classes.
It may help to talk to and spend time with other fathers and discuss issues you may be grappling with. If you feel like you have issues about your own father to work through, try to talk with someone — maybe a counselor or a family member — before the baby arrives so that they don't interfere with your relationship with your own child.
Is this the end of my independence?
Fatherhood doesn't have to spell the end of fun. True, you may not get much sleep or time for yourself during the first few months until your baby starts sleeping through the night. But when the baby sleeps more, you and your partner will have more time for things you enjoy, together and individually.
Again, it's important to work together, communicate, and trade off on the childcare responsibilities so that you each get what you need. And try to get to know other new parents, who can share their perspectives and offer a sounding board.
In the early years, you can engage in many activities with your little one — one of the best and most important is reading to your child. There’s research evidence that being spoken or read to is one of the most important things parents can do to stimulate a child’s language and brain development — and the newborn period isn’t too early to start. Also, check out the special baby carriers that let parents take their tots along on walks and hikes.
It's easy to fear losing out on free time, but most moms and dads discover that once their child is born they treasure time spent with their baby.
How will this change our relationship and sex life?
Pregnant women experience huge physical, hormonal, and emotional changes, while also grappling with the same life changes as the dads-to-be. As the pregnancy progresses, it may affect both of you emotionally.
Moodiness can be tough to deal with, no matter what the cause, but your patience and understanding can go a long way. Try to help your partner work through any stress she might be feeling about the pregnancy and parenthood.
If you're not feeling stable or good about your relationship, try to work through the issues as soon as possible. Many couples mistakenly think that a baby will bring them together. But a baby can't fix a troubled relationship — that's the job of you and your partner. And the sooner you find a way to work together, the sooner you'll feel more comfortable with your impending parenthood.
You can enjoy sex during pregnancy as long as the pregnancy is considered low risk for complications of miscarriage or preterm labor. Discuss with your doctor, nurse-midwife, or other health care provider any risks that may be relevant to you and your partner. You don't have to feel embarrassed; they're used to such questions. As with any other aspect of pregnancy, it's important for you and your partner to speak openly about what feels right for each of you.
Final thoughts
As I type this post many of my greatest memories about being a "dad" came flowing back. I remember my Dad telling me about him having to waited 20 years before he became a my dad. He told me how lucky I was that I have two sons before I turned 40, my dad was almost 50 when I was born, so the thoughts was messing with me.... that I could be waitng a long time like he did. I know that I was lucky and blessed that I could enjoy the experiences as a father and doing dad and son activities twice because my sons had different interests and they are 6 years apart. Taekwondo was the only thing they both did together and that was fun because I was always their biggest cheerleader at tournaments. My first born liked baseball and basketball, my second son loved soccer and basketball. I enjoyed doing things with both of them because I could coach each one of them separately because they are 6 years apart. I remember being scared because my first born was a premature baby. I prayed so hard for him to be healthy and grow up to become the man that he is today and he made us so very proud. My second son was a full term baby and he was a hand-full to keep up with. He also grew up to be the man that makes me so thank full for the blessings he brought into my life and I'm so proud of him. Needless to say being a dad has been an experience I would not trade for anything. I missed out on having a daughter but, at this stage in my life would welcome sharing my life with a woman who already has a daughter that I can spoil and help her raise, if I get that lucky to find such a woman. Sorry, I do not want to raise any more sons.
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