Our offspring are a combination of both of us

In today's supposedly enlightened society, it may not surprise you to learn that the number of interracial relationships has massively increased over the last few decades. In fact, according to recent official statistics, the number of marriage ceremonies carried out that are classified as “interracial” has tripled since 1980, with more than one in ten weddings being between those from different races. Yet, despite the apparent normality of the situation, it appears that those from different cultures who decide to try to make a go of their relationship often face discrimination, often from unexpected sources including family and friends. It is clear to see that, even though society's tolerance and understanding of diversity has progressed in leaps and bounds over the last half century, there are still many pitfalls to be expected when entering into an interracial relationship. In this article, we look at some of the common problems faced by couples from different ethnic backgrounds and ways of overcoming them.

FACING FAMILY PREJUDICE

One of the hardest problems that many interracial couples face is the disapproval of their nearest and dearest. Most people grow up expecting their family to be supportive of all eventualities and therefore the shock and upset caused when they discover that their loved ones not only dislike their new partner but are actively prejudiced against them can be extra painful. A surprising number of parents resent a child's partner from a different background, partly through fear of the unknown, partly through lack of understanding of their different culture. A partner from a different race may even be seen as a threat to the family's ongoing heritage and family line. While it may seem surprising that these attitudes can persist in this day and age, in fact it is not unusual for interracial couples to face this kind of prejudice in their own homes. One way to try to deal with this is to promote tolerance and understanding between all parties over the long term. Including both partner's sides of the family at social events is one way to increase interaction and to break down barriers. Encouraging communication and integration may take time, but if the couple are serious about pursuing their relationship in the long term, it is well worth taking this course of action to eventually enjoy peace and happiness within the family.

FEAR OF LOSING HERITAGE AND CULTURE

When couples embark on an interracial relationship, their first thought is probably love for their new partner rather than worries about their own racial heritage. However, as time goes on and the couple move into a long term relationship, the differences between their two races may become more pronounced and sometimes, one partner will feel that their own culture is being undermined in favor of their partner's. Over the years, this can lead to resentment, arguments and conflict, especially if the couple go on to have children. It is therefore important for couples to include the traditions and heritage of both sides of their partnership into their everyday life, embracing symbols of each other's cultures, visiting both sides of the family equally and celebrating both partner's important festivals. By promoting better understanding of both races' heritage, couples will achieve a deeper understanding of each other and strengthen their love exponentially.

DEALING WITH PUBLIC OPINION

While many interracial couples enter into their relationship without any concerns about how the public at large may view them, over time, they may find that they are surprised and often appalled by the way that they are received by strangers. From askance glances to outright prejudice, it can becoming increasingly wearing to have to deal with offensive or ignorant comments. To deal with this, couples must be sure of themselves and confident in the success of their relationship, never being afraid to show their affection for each other when out in public. By presenting a united front, couples can overcome the thoughtlessness of others and emerge unscathed.

THE PROBLEM OF MIXED-RACE CHILDREN

If you don't go Through life with
an open mind,
 you will find a lot of closed doors.

When any couple has children, their offspring has a mix of their parent's characteristics and this is never more obvious than in a mixed race relationship. No matter how much an interracial couple may love each other, they may be unprepared for the problems that this can cause. Even before their child is born, they may face speculation from friends and family about what their little one will look like, and even well-meaning loved ones may unintentionally offend with thoughtless or hurtful comments. As their child grows up, there may be further problems with questions, comments and judgmental looks from strangers. For example, issues around why an apparently black child has a white mother, or why a child that appears to be white has afro hair may seem insignificant, but can build up to cause problems in the long run. One way of handling this is to embrace the differences rather than denying them. By keeping communication channels open, parents can discuss matters about the differences in skin color or hair texture early on in their child's life so that they will already be fully conversed, self-confident and ready to share answers with those around them once they are old enough to do so.

We need to take the time to understand our differences.

We  have differences that we need to get passed before they destroy us!

 

Everyone is a product of their own experiences and upbringing, and so it makes sense that each of us will have our own opinions across all kinds of issues. While most of us acknowledge that it is these very differences between us that make the world an exciting and interesting place, these variances in our viewpoints can also lead to problems. It is essential for people to learn to be tolerant of diversity, and being open minded towards the lifestyles and beliefs of others has a major role to play in making the world a happier place.

If we stayed within our communities
we would not have met

PREJUDICE IN TODAY'S MODERN WORLD

Whereas in the past many people remained within their own communities, rarely if ever meeting anyone from outside their regular social circle, today the world has become a much smaller place. With the advent of low cost air travel paired with the power of the internet and the media, increasing numbers of people are now being brought into contact with cultures and people far beyond their realm of personal experience. This exposure to different religions, belief systems, lifestyles and languages can enrich our lives if we let it, however unfortunately some people fail to embrace this change and instead view it as a threat. It can be hard to be open minded when faced with things that we do not understand, but in order to be comfortable about the differences of others, we must first be comfortable in our own skins and accept ourselves for who we are. Sadly, those who are not able to do this mistrust those who do not conform to what they believe to be “the norm”. Those who have a different skin color, sexuality or religion can be feared and it is this lack of understanding that can lead to unrest in communities and, on a worldwide scale, to warfare and terrorism.

We are not so different

WHY WE SHOULD BE MORE OPEN TO OTHERS?

Our communities would be a much better place to live if we could all be more open to others, respecting the differences and similarities between all of the community's members. The benefits of tolerance are clear to see – by embracing our diversity we can learn more about our world and ourselves in turn, enabling us to grow and thrive spiritually. The doors to a multitude of opportunities can also be opened, with new friendships, business contacts and travel possibilities all being revealed. The key to this beneficial tolerance is to understand how important it is to understand that each one of us has a right to our own opinion and respect for everyone's individual viewpoint is essential, even if we cannot agree with it.

Our outfits are not of the western world

HOW CAN WE PROMOTE TOLERANCE?

To build happier, more tolerant communities, the first step is to treat everyone we encounter with the same level of respect that we would expect for ourselves. Rather than fearing our differences, we must embrace them, avoiding making judgements based on the first impression. If we all take more time to get to know someone, we will often discover more similarities between us than may appear to exist on the surface. Getting to know those who are very different to ourselves can be surprisingly rewarding, and if we move away from the mindset that persuades us to only gravitate towards those who are similar to ourselves, we open ourselves up to more interesting social experiences. Improving our communication skills is at the heart of tolerance – not only talking and expressing ourselves effectively, but also listening and taking the time to acknowledge the opinions of others. We need to appreciate that there is nothing to fear in hearing the opinions of others, as it is perfectly possible to do so without changing your own viewpoint. Often, those who are mature enough to hear diverse opinions find that a new light is shed on issues that they thought were cut and dried. If we could all be more tolerant towards those who are different to ourselves, our world would be a much more understanding and peaceful place, and on an individual level, we would all be spiritually richer for embracing diverse cultural experiences and getting to know those whose scope of experience is completely different to our own.

where did we go wrong

 Relationships are a beautiful bond people share. Seeing two people in a love relationship gives you hope that something pure can exist. But reality strikes when these beautiful bonds crumble and things go wrong. We all have been there when something goes wrong and even before we can act, relationships fall apart. But the problem is we never realize what really went wrong, until it's too late. 

Here are 10 Common Things That Can Go Wrong

1. Not paying enough attention:

Although one could never really insist on keeping things as dreamy as it was in the beginning, you must never fail to pay attention at any point in time. Texting, playing or watching TV while your partner is trying to share something is rude and is going to end up in arguments. 

2. Forgetting to Compliment:

As time passes many ignore to appreciate their partners for who they are, and what they do. Sometimes those small compliments can strengthen your bond more than anything. But if you forget feeling get hurt easily  just by you breathing the wrong way.

3. Telling Lies:

While I don’t find a point in why a beautiful relationship would require one to lie, trust is the most basic block of any relationship. You let it slip and your relationship is doomed to drown.

4. Family:

Honestly speaking not all partners settle well with each other`s family and their habits. It is completely normal for you to take some time to blend in with other’s family and lifestyle. But not giving it a try or simply spending time in criticizing other’s habits and lifestyle will only worsen the situation.

5. Skipping important discussions:

If you think avoiding an argument is going to calm things down, then you are completely wrong. It is just going to build more anger in your partner and establish an idea about your lack of involvement. Sometimes it is important to discuss.

6. Keeping a tally:

A relationship will have some areas of giving up from both sides and all of us do expect it to be fair. But trying to maintain a scorecard to find if it is equal is absolutely wrong.

7. Emotional abuse:

Remember your partner genuinely loves you and trying to manipulate their emotions to get what you want is you taking advantage of them.

8. Trying to change them:

The person you are with is the person you really like. If you try to change them thinking it is going to bring some good, just beware you might lose the person you liked in the process.

9. Irresponsible:

A relationship is a mature decision in any person`s life. Once you have accepted to commit in the same, you must be open to accepting challenges and responsibilities thereafter. Acting irresponsibly all the time will only frustrate your partner.

10. Being too judgmental:

If you try to act just like all the other people out there about your partner and their choices, you cannot be special to them. While you could always give suggestions, being judgmental is just mean.

Conclusion

Falling in love is easier than falling out of it. The First few months of every relationship is like a fairy tale like every prince and princess has had. Everything matches, be it emotion choice of food, people, color, temper and even your favorite cartoon would be a mutual liking.

But then every fairy tale has a climax be it the entry of villain or personal misunderstandings. If you choose to not deal with an issue, then you give up your right of control over the issue and it will select the path of least resistance. We need to deal with issues. We always hope for the easy fix the one simple change that will erase a problem in a stroke. But few things in life work this way. Instead, success requires making a hundred small steps go right – one after the other, no slip-ups, no goofs, both of you  pitching in.

 

Women Have Been Getting men in ‘Good Trouble’ For 100s Years.

Let's face it without women pushing arguments the term "Good trouble"  would not exist.

It's our ability to have a conversation with a
woman who  may take a mans breath away that makes a man good friends with this ladies

Men are known for causing trouble, even good guys have step  over the line a few time. I know because I know I have. I like to think of myself as a good guy with mostly good intentions and I stand out sometimes  because of my B.A.D. initials.

My dilemma is with this question What do guys really want in a woman? What makes a woman stand out from the others?

My guess it might be.....We have a left brain, and we have a right brain.

LEFT brain: objective, logical, cold, analytical, aware of patterns, aware of trends, he's efficient, and at times he can be a prick.

RIGHT brain: subjective, creative, sensory, aware of feelings, aware of people, he's emotional, and, yup, an idiot…sometimes 

What your left brain thinks, “Here comes a female, here comes a female.
Puff your chest out, take your phone and check your e-mail,or text msgs... look important 
Our evolutionary purpose is repopulate.
So gather data now and see if she's a possible mate.”

What your right brain thinks, “Holy super fine woman  I think she might be the one,
there's something about her, I just can't describe it.” (maybe it's her tatas).

So it depends on what part is more active.

Just kidding…

I obviously cannot speak for ALL  guys. Everyone seems to have their own list, which is good in my opinion… otherwise everyone would be after my love interest, also.

What makes a girl stand out..? = Exactly what that makes a guy stand out…

For me, it's some special talent… a good dancer, a good singer, an artist, a basketball game lover … by that I mean… good at anything… debates, ideas, innovations, or even writing a blog post she might some day read…

For a man it’s about how he feels in her presence.

Is he happier? Is he his best self when he’s with her? Does he want to be better because of her? Does he feel relaxed? Does he feel like an Alpha male or a beta male? Does he feel like he can make her happy if he tries hard enough? Does he know he can trust her?

These are some of  the basics things that matter most that makes a man want to keep a woman around.

What a guy doesn’t need..

A girl that stresses him out. A negative girl that constantly complains. A woman he doesn’t need to work at all to impress. A woman that makes him feel inferior or stupid. A girl that’s impossible to please. A woman he can’t trust.

Every guy is different. Some guys go for looks, some for intelligence, some for compassion, and many  other things.

I want many things in a woman. Loyalty is probably one of the most important, right next to honesty and humor. But honestly, what makes a  woman stand out to me is being easy to talk to and hold a conversation with.

A relationship is nothing without communication. You can't have a friendship where you never talk and don't see each other. You can't date someone but never communicate with them the whole time you're dating.

If I know I can have a nice casual conversation with a potential partner, then the relationship has much higher chance of working out, because then we can communicate and fix many problems that come up. If we can talk for hours, sharing secrets which can help build trust and the feeling of connection, and bring us closer together.

The ability to communicate is very underrated. Communication can make or break a relationship. If I can communicate with a girl, and the conversation flows naturally and can go on for hours, I would 100% be interested in that person.

If a woman is easy to talk to, I think that stands out. I'm sure plenty of guys would probably rather go for an average looking woman they can casually talk to than a super hot female they barely have the confidence to approach. I know I've had that problem from time to time.

If you and a woman can talk things out, you can work out any problems you have, even if you have a lot of them. A relationship with a lot of talking would be much more likely to succeed. So whenever I find a woman l that's easy to talk to, I put her on the mental list of “potential partners”.

It's the thought that went into
 selecting these flowers that's most important

Conclusion:

Well, for me, it's confidence.

A woman must know what she wants from her life.

If she's passionate about something, she must be focused .

This is one of the properties I find really attractive in a woman.

For example, if she likes me, she must have the confidence to come to me and start a conversation and later on tell me that she is interested in me (even just a little bit) if things go down  hill later on, we can find out where we hit a bump in the road.

What stands out to me is a good conversation honestly. When someone shows some real interest in the things you enjoy and are willing to actively listen. Most people in my life were   just talkers they could talk a whole lot and love to be heard. There are very few people who take the time to understand where my mind is at, why my emotions lie where they do, at actually offer insight based on thoughts that move pass the shallow. If you’re a caring listener I’ll probably want to ask you out at some point.

Things Women Say WhenThey First Start Dating You (And What They Really Mean)

 

1. What They Say: I’ve been through a lot in my life.

What They Mean: I’m trying to tell you that I’m deeper than the average basic bitch, without disclosing the full-fledge craziness that I’ve seen in my day.

2. What They Say: I’m a homebody kind of girl.

What They Mean: If you’re going to be one of those guys who wants to go backpacking across the arctic, it’s not going to work out. Alternatively, you will win me over if you lay in bed with me and eat Chinese food for entire Sundays at a time.

3.What They Say: I like my job, for the most part. But right now it’s mostly just paying the bills.

What They Really Mean: Everyone around me seems to be handling their jobs and all of their responsibilities and all of this pressure effortlessly. So I’m going to act like that too. But I’m basically hanging on by a thread here. I hate acting like everything is perfect when it’s not, but I also don’t want to overwhelm you too much in the beginning.  

4. What They Say: So… where do you see yourself in 5 years?

What They Mean: *Smiles* Should I even bother with a second date?

5. What They Say: I’m in my own place now and I love it. The privacy is great.

What They Mean: But I’m lonely… and no longer have a roommate to okay your visits by…  eh?

6. What They Say: I guess I’m just having fun right now.

What They Mean: I’m still young and I don’t quite have everything figured out yet. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love learning about myself and having experiences, no matter how weird they are. So if you’re going to stifle me, let’s quit this while we’re ahead.

7.What They Say: There’s not too much to know about me.

What They Mean: I want to come off as sane, successful, and put-together enough for you to want to date me, while simultaneously being honest with you about the fact that I am the epitome of a hot mess.

8. What They Say: I love coffee.

What They Mean: If I ever encounter you in the morning before I have my first cup of coffee, I’m sorry if I scream at you and/or cause you any physical harm. It’s a fate that you shouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, and I feel that it’s fair if I warn you ahead of time. 

9. What They Say: I’ve had some interesting dating experiences so far.

What They Mean: I’ve met a lot of weirdos on Tinder and OKCupid and out at the bar and through mutual friends and on Hinge and not in coffee shops because that’s not actually a thing. And it’s really starting to wear on me and I’m pulling a Ted Mosby and I just want to be DONE already.

10.What They Say: We should go there sometime.

What They Mean: I’m not crazy. I’m not a stage 5 clinger. But I want to make a commitment. I want to know if this is going somewhere. I’m in my twenties and I’m tired of having meaningless relationships and I want to start making plans. I want you to know that I want this to continue.

11.What They Say: What do you think of my friend Michelle?

What They Mean: Do you think my friend Michelle is hot?

12. What They Say: I’m not that hungry. I dunno, I just never have a huge appetite.

What They Mean: As soon as you leave, I’m probably going to eat an entire cake. Not a piece of cake. The entire cake. We’re in the beginning stages of this relationship so I’m still trying to seem adorable and dainty. I can’t be completely myself yet and tell you that I’m actually a garbage disposal when it comes to food.  

13.What They Say: *Surprised about anything* Oh, really? That’s interesting!

What They Mean: Lol, I googled this two hours ago… just keeping up appearances.

14.What They Say: I’m really close to my family.

What They Mean: I want to be with someone who prioritizes family. I don’t care where you came from in the past, or how close or not close you are with the family you grew up with. What I’m interested in is how you want to handle your eventual family. I don’t care if that just means you and your wife, or you and your wife and your cat, or you and your wife and your 7 children. I just want to know that it really matters to you. 

15.What They Say: I’ve been single for a decent amount of time.

What They Mean: I’m not picky, but I won’t settle. 

16.What They Say: I’m trying not to worry about what other people think.

What They Mean: I don’t want to give anyone else the opportunity to tell me what to do in my relationship. I don’t want to follow some “3rd date rule” or any other arbitrary rule about relationships that gives others the power to judge me. I just want to do what feels right. I’ll sleep with you when I want to. If we fall in love, I will tell you I love you when it feels right and not when I feel it’s socially acceptable. I’m going to do this my way.

17.What They Say: I’m open to having fun.

What They Mean: People make me feel pressured to act carefree and worry-free all the time when it comes to relationships. Like I’m supposed to just have fun and not be scared of rejection. I’m trying to take this all lightly. But I’ve been hurt a lot in the past. And I know you’re capable of hurting me too. But please don’t. Because I want to give this a chance. 

18.What They Say: *An extremely long and unnecessarily-detailed answer*

What They Mean: I always feel the need to rationalize my decisions, and I hate it. I feel like I have to explain why I don’t like my job or why I want to move to a certain city or the reason why I don’t get along with my roommate. When you first start dating someone, you feel the need to make everything in your life seem impressive or perfect. And when something’s not, I feel like I’m obligated to explain why so that you don’t think I’m crazy or miserable or a Debbie Downer. 

19.What They Say: I’ll call you.

What They Mean: I’m sick of the double standard. I think it’s stupid that I’m supposed to sit around for the obligatory 2 or 3 days and see if you’re going to call. And if you don’t, I’m forced to wonder if there’s something wrong with me or if you just forgot or if you lost my phone number. I don’t want to just wait here as if I have nothing better to do, so if I’m interested in keeping this going, I’ll call you. I won’t wait until Day 3, or until it’s been at least 12 hours since we last talked, or any other rule that people are trying to impose on me. I will call you when I damn well please. 

20.What They Say: I have fun going out, but I also love staying in.

What They Mean: I want to feel close enough with you that I can come home after work and remove my uncomfortable bra the second I get in the door. I want to be free of that awful underwire, and I want to head straight for my sweatpants. I want to be with someone who loves me more when I’m comfortable than when I’m squeezing into a dress that looks painted on. I’m just ready to be with someone who’s my companion and best friend, not just someone who I think pays attention to me because I wore something revealing that night. Bars are fun. But spend the night with me on the couch watching Netflix and I’m all yours. 

21. What They Mean: Sometimes I won’t answer your texts immediately, or opt for a Friday night in, and I need you to not think it has anything to do with you, because it doesn’t. I will always be partial to maintaining the life that is already mine. Integrating you into it will be a fun process, but a slow process. Let’s not rush it. I respect who you are, and I expect that you do the same for me.

Men aren't always guilty of looking at other women.

Are there men that don’t bother checking out other women when they are in relationships? I’ve heard about  a few guys who adore their wives/girlfriends so much that they don’t feel right checking other women out.

The French  president  was smirking as  he saw that
 President Obama  was avoiding looking at the woman climbing the stairs  

The 'Why's' Behind Pursuing Other Women

The Reasons Behind Pursuing Other Women
Not Getting Your Needs Met in Your Relationship Often, men seek out the affections of other women when they're not getting their needs met at home. They aren't feeling appreciated, or validated, by their wife or girlfriend. Many guys don't know how to identify those needs, and put words to them. They don't know how to ask for what they need, and then end up cheating or withdrawing which leads to chasing other women. Learning to identify and communicate the needs you're not getting met in your primary relationship is so critical. She can't read your mind, and if you've tried talking about it, to no avail, then couples or marriage counseling is essential. If that doesn't work, you may want to think about what you want from a relationship, and consider if your marriage is for you or not. You owe it to your partner - and to yourself - to do these things, rather than seek out gratifying your needs outside of your primary relationship. Fantasy vs. Reality It can't be just a sexual or physical attraction that pulls men to chase other women when they're in a committed relationship. Superficially, some guys are bored in their current arraignment, and it's the fantasy that they spin that keeps them engaged: being with another woman, being validated by someone else, having sex with other women. The problem is when the fantasy goes too far, and starts to manifest as problematic behaviors - in reality. That's when you get into trouble.

The Pursuit and "Capture" Many men like the exciting chase of women. Pure and simple. And many women like being chased. Men like that women are outside of their reach, and it's intoxicating to chase after women who aren't available to them at the moment. But are we chasing the woman, or the fantasy? Inferiority or Inadequacy Feelings At heart, so many men that I talk with feel insecure or inferior when it comes to women, and it's hard to admit that to oneself. We may have felt like losers growing up with women, and a lot of the chasing women as adults is the way to compensate for those inferior feelings. Men feel strong, confident and desirable when they pursue other women, to the detriment of their primary relationship. This is emotional avoidance. Learning to deal directly with the strong, negative feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, we can learn to not need to pursue other women and solidify the relationships that we do have, that are working. If we stay stuck in the need for emotional validation from other women, many times who are unavailable, too, we're not ever going to deal with the emotional drivers that perpetuate that behavior. Deal with the inferiority, and you get closer to owning your own issues as a man.

Guilt as a Gauge
If you use guilt as a gauge, you're probably doing something wrong. If you don't feel guilty, you might have a bigger problem on your hands. I've talk with men who say they feel guilty, yet keep pushing the envelop, succumbing to flirting or other inappropriate activities with women. If you use guilt as a gauge, and listen to it, you may find you're getting into this inappropriate activity with women a little bit less.

Rationalizing your Behavior
If you choose to rationalize or justify your behavior, you're living in denial. Just because your wife isn't giving you the things you need, doesn't mean it's right to go outside of the marriage. You need to take a look within, at the reasons that drive you to pursue other women, and see how you rationalize them to fit right with you.

Using a Wide-Angle Lens
If you can see the big picture of your life, you might clarify what you truly value. If you value a committed relationship, you might get serious about working on the issues that drive you to chase other women. If you are clear on what you want for your life, you may shift your perspective and start new behaviors that are in alignment with that vision. If you're seeing this from the short-term, through impulsive behaviors of chasing women, you're not seeing the big picture for your life.

When What Goes Around....is Self-Sabotage
The behavior will continue, even if you end your primary relationship, because without addressing the issues on a root level (e.g. emotional or historical level), you're committed to playing the same behavior out in future relationships. I talk with lots of men that get stuck in this loop, and end up chasing other women in every relationship they've had, thus ending the relationship. Self-sabotaging themselves, these guys can never have a fulfilling relationship or marriage because they're too busy being distracted by other women, and can't fully commit or develop trust in their primary relationship or marriage. There are plenty more things to look at when talking about why men pursue other women. I've heard so many, but I tried to boil down the main ones into this post today. It's natural and normal to be attracted to other women. We're human. Acting on it is another matter. When the line between fantasy and reality gets crossed, you're going to have problems.

Which woman would say men these days can't handle them

 

The real reason women believe that men can’t handle their greatness? Does it gives women an excuse not to handle their own stuff?

When I first saw a  headline, I balked like a dog a bit. Okay, a lot. Especially after clicking through and reading these ’10 reasons most men can’t handle a deep woman’. Because ‘deep women’ are honest! And know what they want! And are looking for a deep, intimate, real relationship!

I don't need a man

In other words, the reasons are: because they believe men are shallow, dishonest, distant, closed off, and incapable of real love. That’s what this post  is really saying. And it’s not unique. It’s proliferated around the web, being republished over and over, in the few days since I first saw it, and there are thousands of others like it, with similar ideas about just how useless, unreliable, inherently disappointing, and frankly inferior men really are. The idea that most men can’t handle women, that men are letting us down, is everywhere these days.

 

Here’s the thing. These articles and ideas? They’re wrong. And they damage all of us in profoundly deep ways. In particular, these beliefs cause women to have terrible, unsatisfying and heartbreaking relationships with men.

 

This isn’t about men. It’s about women. It’s about unhealed pain. And these beliefs don’t just prevent healing that pain – they create even more of it.

 

Imagine an article titled ‘Most people can’t handle deep people.’ What would that really mean? It would mean that most people have difficulty meeting deep people where they are. Fully showing up, in the way that ‘deep’ people do, and want others to do, in the way that’s needed for true, satisfying intimacy.

 

If you can't be here for my needs I don't need you!

In our culture, we have this story that men never show up for women's needs. From the absent father and mid-life-crisis abandoner to the ‘best friend’ who secretly just wanted to get laid, the ghosting tinder date and the guy women lost their virginity to who didn’t know what a clitoris was, women's very identity as women are shaped by stories of men letting them down.

 

Over, and over, and over.

I want a man who will do what I want!

 

Almost all of women have experienced that sense of abandonment, rejection and deep shame at some point in women's lives. And in the context of a culture that tells the story that ‘good men are as rare as unicorns’, and that men are so unreliable, so unable to meet women's needs that women must pretend they don’t need men, or need them ‘as much as a fish needs a bicycle’, that pain feels even more powerless, because it is tinged with fear.

 

The fear that no man will ever show up for these women. That no man will ever provide women with what they need.

 

Now imagine an article titled ‘Most women can’t handle deep men.’ I don’t know about you, but I can already hear the outcry – that it’s misogyny, the hatred of women; that it’s just men who are angry they’ve lost a bit of power and privilege; that it’s sexist.

 

Those things are all correct. And it’s vital to understanding what happens when  women believe that men will always let them down; to understanding why articles like the one mentioned go viral:

 

Because when women feel powerless, they believe they  have a choice. Women can either look within, take their power back by taking responsibility for themselves and their own actions, and heal… or they can blame someone else, and get angry.

 

The author of the original article wasn’t trying to be sexist against men. No, this belief doesn’t have hatred as it’s motivation – quite the opposite. It comes from powerlessness, which is based on fear that men will always let women down… And pain, from times that they have. It’s written from a place of woundedness, fear, and scarcity.

 

Not from a place of writing about reality.

 

Spoiler alert: men CAN handle deep, or strong, or smart, or otherwise powerful women just as well as women can handle powerful men.

 

But articles like that one, they act to confirm the belief, presented all around WOMEN, that men will never fully love them, for who women are, never give women what they need, never truly meet them.

 

And because women learn to believe that they can’t, their actions towards men change. Women close their hearts, find what they expect, and end up in relationships where their deepness isn’t met, accepted and celebrated. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, and a heartbreaking one: women learn to sabotage their relationships with men.

The truth is that, to the extent that individual men are able, based on maturity and experience, nine out of ten men are dying to share women's real, deep emotional selves, to witness them, to be truly intimate. To be the one women choose, the one man given the chance to step up and be a great man, for the world, and for the women he chooses.

 

Nine out of ten are so, so eager to do that. To love women. Truly and deeply. They won’t do it perfectly – no one can. But they will do it, they will give it their all, they will love honestly.

 

If women would let them.