Good luck Figuring out what keeps Marriages from unraveling these days!

 I will change you in NO time!

 some cases the stereotype is true-- People get married with the idea of changing the one they walk down the aisle with. And they find that the more they try to change the other person, the less it works! The old adage of: "your can't push a rope!" applies well here.
Instead we can make great strides by offering each other the acceptance we long for in our own lives. And we can realize that somethings a husband or wife is the way he or she is because of the way nature made him and her that way. If the person truly changed the way we wanted them to, it might destroy the essence of who that person is and eliminate the very personality that drew us to him or her in the first place!

vive la difference.

What's that other old adage? "If both of you are exactly alike, one of you is unnecessary!" Our marriages are strengthened as we learn to acknowledge, accept, and even celebrate our differences. Husbands and wives are just intrinsically, in many ways, different. And as the French say, vive la difference.

 When couples are first married, they still believe the other person has the potential for dramatic change, But by 50, couples today think: ‘He or she is not really going to change. But I’ll be living another 30 years.’ That’s why so many couples now feel they owe it to themselves to bring real happiness and excitement into their lives, not passivity.
A little personal note:  I guess I as the exception, my ex-wife told me during our divorce that I had change I no longer was the man she married... wow go figure! 

The statistics help tell the tale: Divorce rates for people 45 and over doubled from 1990 to 2010         ( I know because  I was part of that statistic) according to a landmark study by Bowling Green State University in 2013. It’s the highest split-up rate of any age group. But the same study found that the number of unmarried people 50-plus living together tripled between 2000 and 2013—also the highest gains of any group. Translation: People are doing what it takes to be happy, regardless of preconceived notions or traditional rules.

Is this what you had in mind when you told me to get in shape!

 We’ve never had such high expectations of marriage before,There is much more potential for people—women especially—to reinvent their long-term relationships. Or to choose not to. She may insist that the husband goes back to the gym and get in shape..... checkout the results. As we hit midlife, we  are rethinking just about every part of our lives these days— our careers, our locations, our appearances, our lifestyles and even our favorite pets (welcome I now want a German Shepard and no longer a doberman). It’s all a natural by-product of the anti-status-quo Boomer mentality. So it’s no surprise that the most sweeping reinventions are coming closest to home: our marriages.

we look happy don't we?

The old paradigm: find a mate, procreate, and raise what at least appears to be a happy family. Then, regardless of what’s left of your relationship, stick together until the (sometimes-bitter) end.  But now there’s a whole new reality: Put that midlife union under an electron microscope, figure out what makes the molecules collide and dance, and then do whatever it takes to live your next decades in true happiness. It may mean finding new ways to rekindle the initial points of combustion. Or, just as likely, it may mean ditching a lost cause of a marriage or finding highly creative ways to keep a troubled one going.  In the end it is always ends in goodbye, see you! But 

 - Do You Really Mean Goodbye 

You’re powerful - is the ultimate compliment?

The Compliment Everyone Loves to Receive (And What That Means About Us)

It’s not “You’re smart.”

It’s not “You’re fascinating.”

It’s not even “You’re amazing.”

"Powerful" is a word that our inner self responds to, because it speaks the deepest truth about who we are.

Becoming empowered is the process of awakening to yourself.

ask yourself – does this person remember how powerful they are?

OK where am I going with this?

 Let me just list a few things that will make you go hmmmm!

1. A man has his act together. (he is powerful) He has goals and they usually include finding the right woman and starting a family. A boy just wants to have fun and considers the words “commitment,” “responsibility” and “ambition” as dirty words. Say them around him and he will run like a bat out of hell.

2. Sure, a real man wants an attractive woman(she is powerful) , but her hotness is not his biggest concern – he wants someone with intelligence, compassion, morals and a desire to improve herself. A boy wants that dime piece that is exciting and wild. He’s in it for the hunt.

3. A man is working toward the future (he is powerful) . He has plans to become financially stable and to be able to provide well for himself and his loved ones. A boy isn't thinking about tomorrow, only what the hottest car is and how he can use it to pick up the ladies.

4. A man is conscious of the man he wants to be and he is willing to work at it (he is powerful). He has values and respect for others. A boy is in it for the moment. He doesn't really consider the consequences of his actions.

5. A man will recognize a good woman when he encounters her and he will be respectful and try to get to know her personally(she is powerful) . A boy will look a lady up and down and is only interested in scoring.

6. A man knows when to invest time and more into a woman( they are both powerful) . He is supportive, while a boy may toss money at a woman, but only for his own personal gain. He’s not investing; he’s testing.

If  both  men and women were aware of their power, would they feel the need to  assert it?

What Personality Type Turns You On?

Understanding your personality type and that of your partner makes it easier for you to enter a relationship and stay in it. Personality types form the core of any relationship and can make you communicate with and understand each other better. These types are based on Myers-Briggs personality typing.

My question became “why?”

Why is that we pick the mates we do?

Why do we have the relationships we have?

Why are we the way we are in those relationships?

As it usually does my questions lead to more questions, but here I hope to answer your questions.

Personality Types

Here are the major types of personality types:

Extroverts/Introverts

Extroverts focus on the external world and other people. Such a personality is energized by stimulating and interacting with others. On the other hand, introverts focus on their internal world and delve into their thoughts and ideas to make decisions.

Sensors/Intuitive

Sensors gather information in a detailed and concise manner. They base on facts and are always practical the way they handle issues. Intuitive individuals  are more abstract and base their decisions on thoughts, possibilities and connection.

Thinkers/Feelers

Thinkers base their decisions on facts and data collected over time. Feelers, on the other hand, make decisions based on values and harmonious relationships.

Judgers/ perceivers

Judgers prefer to have a well-defined structure that they follow. They have schedules and plans. Perceivers will prefer to keep their options wide open. They always go for spontaneity and a flexible existence.

Should You go for the Opposite or a Similar Personality?

People are usually attracted to their opposites. This is especially true for introverts/extroverts and judgers/perceivers. Such relationships are exciting to say the least. Many people in such relationships are looking for some form of completion by being in a relationship with someone who has what they are missing.

Being in a relationship with an opposite provides a relationship that is more rounded and functional. This is because the two of you complement each other. You will face the areas of your life that are difficult.

However, two opposites in a relationship will have significant issues with communication. This is because you won’t be communicating on the same level.

People with similar personality types are attracted to each other because they have similar focus in their lives. These types are usually the happiest and last longer in their relationships. For instance, sensors are known to communicate better with other sensors. Intuitives also handle relationships better with other intuitives.

Similar personality types communicate at the same level and will find it easier to solve problems that arise in the relationships. They also understand each other better as compared to opposites.

My Final Thoughts

Personality types allow two people to grow naturally into their relationships. Understanding these types make it easier for you to know why certain people behave the way they do. Go ahead, find the personality type of your partner, and know why certain things happen.

 I was told that I'm like a Cameleon  because I seem to adapt to my environment and can be one way with one person and different with another.  This is Not really true, I am just flexible, this part is true,  but I'm always the same deep down in my core. the nucleus of person never really changes. But this isn't about me .... this is really about your choices... Just remember the Choice is always YOURS, choose wisely.  

"A man is only as faithful as his options.”

Ok I have to be my  BAD-self after all this  boys vs Real  men  stuff.  Yes  boys and men are  different

This  caption quote "A man is only as faithful as his options.”is a gross mis-characterization of men, carelessly stroked with a very broad brush. The ill-famed sentiment it engenders gains much ground in the minds of many ladies whose experiences cause those words to resonate with them, like the clashing sound of cymbals struck with the intensity and rapidity of a seasoned rock drummer. Such unfortunate statements make no offer to heal some women. They only provide an opportunity to vent from frustrations that encourage the mistrust of men, at large, and not singularly those who have proven themselves disloyal, therefore unworthy of the very women they pursue.

What's the code word, for getting out tonight?

All men are males, but all males are not men.

Character is a quality that very clearly distinguishes males from men. Integrity is a foundational character trait of manhood. Integrity is said to be “that which a man does when no one is watching.” “Male” is a general category distinction that includes both boys and men. All men are males, but all males are not men. Some are biologically adults, but functionally boys. Being male is purely biological. It is the natural state of being for every baby boy at birth. Boys only become men through proper development and not age alone. This is something only a father might have picture of what he hopes, with his influence that his sons can become one day. 

Age is only a measurement in time that has no direct ability to encourage or otherwise influence manhood. Many foreign cultures lead boys into manhood through various ceremonial rites of passage. American pop culture inducts boys into a pseudo, neo-manhood steeped in the objectification of women and the dominance of other men deemed weak. Distinguishing boys from men is a necessary distinction to establish in order to engage in coherent and meaningful discourse that will offer beneficial insight on the subject of male/female relationships. “Men aren't boys.” Too often, behavior that is attributed to men is more characteristic of boys. Boys have no place in a woman’s life other than as sons, certainly not as love interests. Below are two principles that separate the men from the boys:

Abstinence

I can probably guess what some of you are thinking. “A man will play the game long enough to get a woman in bed.” Wrong! A man’s long term  goal is never to bed a woman. An authentic man does not compromise the honor of a woman to prove himself a man or for other self-indulgent gains. These are characteristics of boys and not men. When a woman tells a man that she will remain abstinent until she marries, this is not a deterrent. Men date with a much greater purpose in mind; marriage and family, might be the greater purpose......

Exclusivity

“Boys play the field. Men cultivate the field” “A woman’s heart is not a playground to be handled carelessly.” Good men know this and are sensitive in their handling of a woman’s heart knowing that regular interactions alone in close proximity will cause her emotions to engage. Likewise, spreading themselves between multiple women jeopardizes women emotionally. It’s an act of selfishness, irresponsibility, and immaturity of a man’s part. Exclusivity establishes a woman’s place and importance in the mind of a man. She has no other woman to compete with for the place that is with him. That is hers alone.

Men that choose abstinence, honor God and the women they choose to love. Exclusivity, as well, is a sign that a man has honorable intentions, choosing to devote his time to learning one woman to determine their compatibility for marriage which is the purpose of a good man’s pursuit of a woman.

This weekend together was great.....BUT!

But here is the problem.....  a burn can heal... but it leaves a mark. Man or Woman.. if you have been burned by someone whom you trusted then no amount of coco-butter will make that mark disappear. We can hide behind all those cliches that we need time to heal and find ourselves, but trusting someone new  is so difficult that it often leads to failed relationship after failed relationship.  Burns leave a scar.     let me just leave you with this.....

 

Nine facts that separate Real men from boys!

first allow me to have my disclaimer from the start of this conversation.


 I took these points from an article written by a female.  Ok, The stuff following each point is my BAD perspective. 

#1 Boys avoid uncomfortable conversations – men know how to communicate their needs. - men know how to communicate their needs. Even the best relationships have friction. You’re going to do or say something he does not like—it’s inevitable. Boys are passive aggressive, whereas a mature man will have a productive conversation with you…even if it’s a little awkward. 
 BAD perspective: I think this is a miss print Boys avoid uncomfortable conversations... because what is comfortable to girls and women are not comfortable to boys or men. You see communication is a two way street. Not an information super high  all coming from one female server, there is reason super computers are given female names. there is no disputing that women and girls want to communicate their needs, a man just needs to agree to give her what she wants. the fact that a man can say wait a minute, here are my needs. This  will cause an unplug to the incoming communication. Neither women or girls will hear a word he  said.  Boys do not have the  patience to go through all that......boys are to busy looking  at other options because they know they can move on to the next female . Men may not have that choice once he has committed to a woman.    

#2 Boys only want to hook up – men invest their time and energy in the right woman. - There’s a moment in every man’s life when he realizes that being in a relationship makes him significantly happier than chasing “tail” every night. If you’re only hearing from him at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night, he’s not ready to give up his toys. Move on and find yourself a grown man.
 BAD perspective: here  again we are under the misconception that men don't want to hook up -  Men are like fish caught in a net, taken out of the ocean where he had freedom  of choices.... where to go and what to do with his time.  Once a man gets caught in the drag net, he is dragged ( no long has the freedom of choice ) to all kinds of stuff... he would rather not do or be part of.  to Say that the woman is the "Right woman" is to also believe in an optical illusion. Every reasonably good woman is a  potential  "Right  woman" she is as Right for you as the "Right Man" is as right for her. Just wait until something changes then the word "Right" changes to something else .... i.e. I should have know better ... You were too good to be Really true in the beginning.   

#3 Boys will compliment you to get in your pants – men pay compliments because they want you to feel great about yourself. -  When you’re only focused on making yourself happy, you can party every night and be lazy every day. Once you realize that other people are relying on you, you’re willing to make the sacrifices you need to support your family
  BAD perspective:  Once again this is matter of perspective.  Not every man or boy has the same taste in women or how they want them  to look when they are trying to impress a man. A man might say I love you hair like that, while he is thinking ' OMG this not how she looked a week ago.... why didn't  I see this coming...  I must admit she still has those eyes....I  will gaze  into her eyes all night long and she will not complain about that.'  Case solved, confrontation averted.   

#4 Boys live day by day – men work hard to build a future for themselves and their woman. - If he’s insecure about his own intellect, he won’t risk it with a smart girl. The boy will stay in his comfort zone, whereas a mature man wants the challenge of a smart woman. 

 BAD perspective: It's Safe to say, that boys may still be living at home with their parents,  which can be until the age of 35  these days..... Men these day didn't have that option back when they finished school, men could not wait to get their own place to have the women they want to hook up with over, Men want to  have a BAD crib which is the ultimate hook to be able to find the "Right woman" to share it with.  Girl and women would fall for a guy with his stuff together.... the notion that this man was working hard to build a future for their woman intentionally is a myth.. He did it to impress her then got into a routine of maintaining what he started. When  she gets what seems as a future and he can  get her wanting to be with him instead of  that other dude still partying in the club every night and living at home with his parents.  


#5 Boys are intimidated by smart women – men are stimulated by them. - 
 BAD perspective: All you have to do is think about it..... " smart women" they don't really need a man... do they?  They can do so much for themselves... they may want a strong man that is intelligent enough to understand that the money she make is hers, hers, hers, and  the money he makes is also hers. just do the math on this..... only older women are willing to pay for stuff, women young enough to be able to attract someone else,  is not willing to take you to dinner but once. Because it is still a man's place to pay for everything,  even if he makes less money than she does.  


#6 Boys make promises they can’t keep – men say it and mean it. -  One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made was telling a woman I loved her when I did not mean it. I was a scared little boy trying to make a girl happy. A mature man will tell a woman how he feels when he feels it. And if it’s not there, he won’t make it up. 

 BAD perspective:  Promises are those things that is not written in a contract. Tell any woman that you will give her a promissory note on giving her what she want on her 25th wedding anniversary.  she will laugh in your face. Unless she thinks about it and realizes that  you just asked her to marry you then it becomes a contract and everything you accumulates and save up for will  be hers,  if  she sticks it out for 25 years.  Oooh wait! that means she has to give-up  her best years to YOU. hmmmm! Now she might want to  come up with a new strategy to get, whatever it  is she wants  from you....... sooner. 

#7 Boys avoid any chance of rejection – men face their fears and go for it.-  men face their fears and go for it. Here’s the thing, both men and boys hate getting rejected—no matter who you are, rejection sucks.  The only difference is that a mature man will push through his fears and go for it anyway because you’re worth it 
 BAD perspective:  <smirking> name one woman who would face her fears and go for it...... if there is a chance that she will get rejected. The fact  that Boys are smart enough to so say... there are more fish in the sea and move on..... is not what girls or women want to happen. Women want to be chased, not to do the chasing... If she is chasing a man, you bet she will get something from him that she wants by offering what she knows he can't  refuse... then tell him she is 3 months late.  Oops . So who playing games here?   

#8 Boys don’t set priorities – a man realizes what’s most important and makes you a priority. -  A mature man wants to spend his time with the people he cares about. And if he’s dating you, he cares about you. He will want to be with you and only you. 
 BAD perspective:  Whose Priorities are we talking about here? Hers or the guy's, let's face the truth here she is always her top priority.... if a man does not go along with the program she is history... If he does not comply with her needs to be the first, second and third priority he is missing the point of the deal, he may not even be aware that he was negotiating a do or die deal.  

#9 Boys put you down – men encourage and support you. -  Scared little boys will try to drag a woman down with them as a defense mechanism. A mature man understands that he will grow as a man if his woman is growing as a woman. 
 BAD perspective:  Now I have to admit....  putting a woman down has never been my thing... so I  can't disagree with this without having to come up with something totally off the wall. 

 In the end we know a real Man knows what a real woman needs are , and will determine in his mind if she is worth  his dedication!

Surprising Things you might know that Men are Insecure About

Insecurity can be common in women, but did you know that men can also feel insecure? Before you jump to their private parts ...Ladies, we can tell you there are other things that make us men  insecure. Let’s take a look at my BAD list:

• An annoying/embarrassing relative

We all have that one relative we don’t really want to introduce to our special someone, especially right away, or ever. Maybe we have an uncle who is a braggart, a racist grandmother, or an alcoholic aunt. The presence of any of these relatives is enough to make a guy insecure. After all, it took us several years to accept their flaws and we are not  expecting you to do it in just a couple of hours. At the same time men don’t want you to project our family flaws onto us.

• Pubic hair

Most grown men have pubic hair, get over it. Some men do not, from genetics or medical reasons, again, get over it. Shaving the pubic area is unnecessary and can lead to infection, keeping it nicely trimmed is something some men do, and some men do not, it’s a personal decision. Like the man for him, not his downstairs.

• Spare tire

Did you think we do not care about our belly fat? We do, maybe more than you. We Men can be very particular about our abs and our body shape. We all  dream of having 6 pack abs but an inability to get them can make us a bit insecure. Focus on our  good  parts and kindness. with a little encouragement and maybe even coaching we might surprise you and look like this guy in a matter of months. Ok, Maybe not this Young.....  

• Not having enough money

Being weak in the financial area is something that can negatively affect a guy. If you want to go to expensive places on dates and he can’t afford it he may avoid going if he does not like you to pay. Be respectful of his finances. Some men feel that the bank account makes the man, and a man who can’t provide for his family is not worth anything, tell him all the ways he cares for you and your family that don’t require money.

• Grand gestures of love

If you are living in a fantasy world of love like in the movies, get over it. Most men can’t do big things in reality. If you are expecting a man on a white horse you are ultimately going to hurt yourself. Most men are not good at these things and often don’t even think of them.

• Crappy car

Many men are crazy about nice cars, but if they are short on money they may not have a fresh wax or the nicest deluxe model. Let him know your interest lies in the man behind the wheel, not the nicest showroom model. Ok I'm a Black Man Waiting  for the next BMW series.  





Now Ladies...If you don't try to understand these things that may make your guy insecure then maybe it's  time to "Walk away from Love, before Love breaks your heart !"

Why does he think you’re boring in bed?

OK, here we go, men seldom complain..... out loud...... that his woman is boring in bed.... Out of fear that she will cut him off completely. The fact that he is still willing  to service you is not any indication that he is that excited about your sex-life together.... Your not realizing that things are not perfect because you are in denial that you sex life is boring.... almost to the point of him saying: " Enough... I can take this anymore".

take a Bight into an apple a day and get your groove back!  

One mistake many women make is not asking the hard hitting questions when complaints are raised about their sexual performance. Before seeking out sources to help with improvement, the issues must first be brought to the surface.  Knowing exactly what her husband  or lover perceives as lackluster or boring about her sexual expression will give his wife an idea of the areas that need to be enhanced or corrected. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but asking him to elaborate on what he is feeling is the only way to fully understand his point of view.

What are your typical actions in or out of  bed?

OK let's do it right here and NOW

It is easy to shift into ego when one’s character seems to come under fire, so instead of reacting to what may be perceived as an attack it is best to take a step back and be honest with yourself about the typical actions that are performed during sex. Do you initiate the sex or are you submissive in your approach? Are you vocal during sex or are you as silent as a church mouse? Do you switch up sex positions or do you revert to old faithfuls? These types of questions need to be answered.

Oooh Hell, if you are looking for spots to get creative and cause some new sparks to fly. Try.. the washing machine during the spin cycle.  the vibes can  make a woman get really into the right state of mind.  Or the Kitchen counter.... while aphrodisiac aroma's are stirring.... OK, you may  just have to remember to deodorize the counter  afterwards.... if you are planning to finish prepare dinner using that counter later. 

What’s holding you back?

Is she dreaming about someone else with that smile? 

Everyone has the capability to have amazing sex and to have fun while in the moment, so the real question is what is keeping you from experiencing the fullness your sex life has to offer? Have you experienced trauma in the past? Do you have an issue with body image? Does feeling sexy make you feel uncomfortable? Getting down to the root cause of what is causing you to reserve your sexual expression will help you pinpoint the issues and begin on improving.

What are your sexual interests?

OK so you liked that did you!

Before getting into any sexual situation, one must know exactly what her sexual interests are.  So if you’re being labeled as “boring in bed” then you must take the time to determine what turns you on and what sparks your sexual arousal. Do you like being spanked? Are you into mutual masturbation? Does using toys during sex turn you on?  These are questions you should ask yourself when working on uncovering your sexual truth.

Education and communication are the two most important elements in improving your sex life. Making a commitment to work on your sex life is necessary in leaving the mark in the bedroom you (and your partner) desire.  Don't just let it go and say:" it will fix it's self..." 
and Fellahs just remember to "try a little tenderness."