Men say yes when they have the freedom to say no

I had a taste for conch chowder and he dove into the bay and brought all of these  back

Just so that I would not ask him again!

News Flash:

Men are much more willing to say “yes” if we have the freedom to say “no.” Freedom of choice is paramount to our male happiness.

It’s very important that women learn how to ask and how to accept “No” for an answer. Women usually intuitively feel what their partner’s response will be even before they ask. Probably because they are more inclined to say “NO” instinctively themselves to many requests. If a woman sense that the man will resist her request, she won’t even bother asking, Instead she will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what happened- all this has gone on in her head…..

Allow me to further explain, if I may. We men want the freedom of choice but women want us to always show our love by being willing to volunteer to do what they need. Women see things this way “Your Love for me means never having to ask”.  However, if women are not asking for support men assume they have given them enough. Do you see the conflict on the horizon? Women need to ask, gently, not demand. Men need to anticipate her needs and do them before she has to ask.  

When a man loves a woman…... he will lift her up, without her needing to ask. 

Women expect men to be Gentle-men. So they should be gentle to their man in return.

When you ask a man for support, do not reject him for saying “no”, if you do not reject him,  he will remember that, and the next time, you request something, he will be much more willing to give in....Because he did not feel the sting of rejection the last time.  So ASK gently. As you ask for more, occasionally your man will be able to stretch his comfort zone and say “yes.” at this point it has become safe to ask for more of what you need, this is one way that healthy relationships are built.

One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support.

To give him a chance to fulfill your requests, ask and then pause. Let the man grumble and say things under his breath. Just listen. Eventually, he will say “yes.” Don’t mistakenly believe that he will hold this against you. He won’t hold it against you as long as you don’t insist or argue with him. Even if he walks off grumbling, he will let go of it, if both of you feel it is “his choice” to do or not to do what you want to be done. By using the “W” words and not the “C” words…. You will get a man to react positively.  The words like “would you” does not sound demanding in a man’s ears. In sharp contrast, the words “ could you” does sound like a demand. Actually, it is irritating as a mosquito in his ears.

Why are men so sensitive?

Women have asked me this…..

Ladies, you may be asking yourself why are men so sensitive about being asked for support. It is not because men are lazy (OK, some men are lazy)  but because men have so much need to feel accepted. Any request to be more or to give more might instead give the message that he is not accepted and appreciated,  just the way he is, that he needs to work at being accepted. Hmm, not a comfortable feeling….. (just put yourselves in his position.) When you are not comfortable the opposite is currently feeling. This causes the power struggle between the sexes..

Just as women are more sensitive about being heard and feeling understood when she is sharing her feelings, a man is more sensitive about being accepted just the way he is. Any attempt to improve him makes him feel as though you are trying to change him because he is not good enough, just as he is. We men believe” Don’t fix me unless I’m broken.” When a man feels a woman is wanting more, and that she is trying to change him, improve him, he receives the message that she feels he is broken; naturally, he doesn’t feel loved just the way he is.

All of us hide behind masks, the key is to identify that “the mask” is not the person.

Final thought

While Men say “yes” when they have the freedom to say “no,” Women say “No” even when they want to say “Yes.” Confusing isn’t it!

Women might ask “why do I need to ask correctly (gently)” for what she is already getting?!?

This dilemma makes relationships with men very difficult for unaware women. Though this problem may feel insurmountable, it can be solved.   

By remembering that men are not from your planet Venus, women can learn new ways to ask for what they want--- ways that work. Start by not demanding.

• Ask correctly for what you’re already getting. Remember if you stop asking the man assumes you no longer need it. However, if you start demanding then he shuts down. He does not want to fulfill demands.
• Ask for more, even when you know he will say “no,” and accept his “no” answer
• Learn to figure out what he is in the mode to do, by reading his body language. Don’t demand that he do things you want, the instant you want it.  Ask and then leave it up to him to make up his mind when he will do it.

ASK NOT for what you do not need. ASK, for what he is willing to give!

Someone to Love you

What does a female executive want in a mate?

I asked a female friend, during my visit to my old stomping ground,

this question after she changed companies, earlier this year.

‘So what does a female executive want in a mate?

Her answer was direct and it proves she has been searching

for this type of guy for a while

“ He has to be a Sex God, Alpha male, an impeccable dresser.

Powerful entrepreneur, perfect Spooner,

and the best pancake maker to ever grace a kitchen.”

“And he has to be all mine!” 

this is the Ultimate getaway driving machine!

My son’s fast-A$$  650 Csi was the perfect getaway car I needed, I’m glad I borrowed it ….  

I spotted the grand piano in her living room and it prompted a thought

My next question: ‘Should he know how to play a musical instrument?’

Her response:” Well that would be nice but I prefer if he can make

my personal life reach an all-time high as well. Help my career with

this new company take off with the speed of a SR-71 Blackbird

-that’s one of the fastest military planes for the novices out there.

In the span of a year or two.”

My response: ‘You don’t want much do you?’

Her response:

“Even with all that he has to have on his plate,

he needs to always make time for me! Make me his main priority!”

 she continued: “after all look at what I bring to the table,

look at what I have accomplished thus far before I even meet him.”

She got serious and had a sad look in her eyes when she said the following.

“Sadly, I've been in this place when things get too normal.

And I feel lonely while in a relationship. When sex becomes an afterthought.

When you have to start penciling it in. Let me tell you when that happens,

it’s only a matter of time before you end up in the land of Friends without benefits.

The dread relationship of convenience. And that's a one-way ticket, my friend.

There is no coming back from that place. Pun intended.

That's what happened with my ex. Good guy but we failed to make it work together”

“That’s the part that still makes me sick thinking about what went wrong.

My career got in the way and his drive to keep pace with me made him look for other

women to give him what I did not have enough time for.

The worrying, the insecurity, that he no longer saw me as sexy and desirable,

drove a wedge between us. How was it ever going to get better if I couldn’t be

a grown ass woman and talk to him about his shortcomings?

 How do you broach that topic?”

“Hey honey, pass the salt, and by the way, why haven’t you been

eating my private areas lately?

Or, I was thinking that we should bring another girl to bed this weekend

to hold me down while you use your monster tool to pound the very loving sh!t out of me.

Jesus, I should not be allowed to kiss my mother with this mouth.  

How does a woman expect to get what she wants if she can't say the words?

And request what she needs.”

Her frustrations were as clear as night fell. All that business success!  

Her success was on full display in her condo on the beach 25 stories up

with a great view but she had no one to share it with.

No off springs, divorced and now a cougar in need.

I had to comment that her toys reminded me of that of a male executive.

As her place had a grand piano, a pool table and a balcony overlooking the Atlantic Ocean.

Her comment after she followed my eyes as I looked around the living-room.

“A girl has to play the role of enticing younger prey.

Men love playing games like shooting pool and even listening to good jazz piano music.

” She has one of those auto-play piano setups that allow you to select

the song and the piano would play it automatically.

My response: ‘Perfection! I’m jealous. I’ve always want one those myself.

I love listening to Jazz piano music. Musical talent runs in my family but skipped me.

’ my thought went to;   ‘I had a pool table, and even a piano that is now my son’s

pool table and piano, but it wasn’t a self auto-play, left these things behind after the divorce:

’ I digressed.   

She brought me a glass a wine and said: “A grand piano serves only one purpose if it can’t be used for sex also. A self-playing Piano grants the setting one needs.
For romance without an extra person in the room. A woman can get her freak on.
And bounce to the sound of the music. And feel each note!”

“The fact that the most satisfying moment in my single years was with a dude
I met in Chicago on a business trip… the sex was off the chain.
Kinky and steaming HOT.” She turned to me and said
“You live in Chicago for while what is it about the windy city that brings out the animal in you?
My response was… “I stayed in the suburbs to  the North West of Chicago.”
She laughed and said you were always so private. “You still don’t kiss and tell…. do you?”  

She looked me in the eye and said “Those initials of yours always made me wonder why
you always played it so cool, around me. BAD boys lose their cool once in a while, but no you.”

I <smirked> and thought to myself ‘No way am I going to try to live up to what you
just described as your most satisfying moment as a single woman, and your memories
of what you experienced between the sheets’

My response was ‘who said I am a BAD anything?’ again her comeback was:
“Yeah right, you forget I’ve known you for years and because we were both married,
you kept your distance, but I knew there as an attraction between us. Go ahead and admit it now
we are both single... so tell me was I your type or not? I laughed:
‘ my first two names make some people think that I’m a hot-blooded Latino,
I’m not a Latino!’ my thoughts instantly went to:
‘I am under no obligations to live up to someone’s fantasies about stereo types,
being an Afro-........ male, with a Latino sounding name, who speaks 4 langues,
having a B.S. degree in computer science, and lots of experience in the corporate World.
Put’s me in a box that makes me feel like, the drama will start because  
I have to live up to someone else expectations’.

That was it for me, My phone vibrated on queue and she said: “saved by the Secret service call to duty, so who wants your service now?” I said my life’s activities is revealed on a need to know bases’ We both laughed because she used to call me “ Mr. Secret Service when I was a consultant at the company she worked for when we met.  We hugged and I kissed her on both cheeks, turned and exited and disappeared into the night. ‘Ciao Bella’

I just could not stay any longer in her company, she was trying me.
The song “Dairy “ started to play on the radio as  
I hit I-95 North heading away from the South-beach and downtown MIA.
I’m sure if she reads this blog she might say “he now hugs and write about things now.”
<smirking>  I just write about some things! It’s best to leave well enough alone,
this has always worked well for me!‘

Final thought:

There comes a time in a man’s and woman’s life when reality and fantasy are in direct conflict.
We men seem to have a need to prove we are worthy of and capable of.
While women are often still in need of, and feel entitled to.
No matter what status we have old habits die hard!  

I will not tell your secrets. "Diary"

So what is the 90/10 principle

By understanding how past unresolved feelings periodically surface,

it is easy to understand why we can become so easily hurt by our current partners.

When we are upset, about 90% of the upset is related to our past experiences and

has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us in the present moment.

Generally, only about

10% of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.

When couples suddenly feel their resentment.

People are often tested in relationships. The test that we will all get a failing grade on is the one of turning off the recycling of the old resentments. they pop up 90% of the time when 10% of the current issues are relevant.

<momenterally> safe with your partner, your deepest fears have
Why are you looking over your shoulder, constantly? Is there someone following
Many years of experiences have made me realize that no matter how good things are

The crisis of rising expectations.

We know that many women have risen to higher heights, career-wise, so the men that steps to these women have to have their game on point.

It is a paradox for many women: because you may feel

a chance to re-surface, <suddenly>.

When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you are feeling.

The past experience can become overwhelming when

they are triggered by a sudden surge a of a sudden

feeling of resentment towards your mate, or even fear of him.

us or are you experiencing feelings of paranoia?
Did something just happen to cause you to feel this way?

Tell me; was it something I said or was their someone in the restaurant
that reminded you of your ex-boyfriend and it made you feel uncomfortable.
Tell me I need to know because I have to make sure to make you feel safe again.
No one is going to hurt you while you are with me.  I can assure of of that!

As comforting as a man can make a woman feel with his words there are
always overwhelming experiences from the past that can trigger
all kinds of anger, anxiety, discomfort… or and whole new set of
different feelings that can make woman snap. Or it could be that her
past experiences were good ones and they are now causing her to confirm
that good men,  are still around, and can still make a woman feel
good about herself again.    

To quote Aretha (RIP) you make me feel like a natural woman (over and over again)

between two people, things can go South, literally and figuratively instantly.

We all have had experiences Good and BAD. None are the same as

anyone else I've had some ex(s) that gave me everything I needed but my

BAD( sudden feeling of resentment) caused by a triger of some sort cause things to suddenly

not work out in the long run. Was it always my resentment that did it or

was it from time to time their resentments that caused a hickup.

These hickup are like the actual ones you experience the keep repeating and

repeating even blowing in a brown paer bag does not seem to help.

You can’t breath normally, everytime you think you over the feeling,

it returns suddenly.  In some cases, it caused hyperventations that

I felt like a 300-lbs was sitting on my chest… and I wasn not in the

gym benchpressing, at the time. This is why healthy people may need counseling, too!

Final Thoughts

When a man grumbles it is a good sign, ladies - he is trying to consider your request

versus his present needs.

He will go through internal resistnace at shifting his direction from what he ’d focusing

on to your request for his support.  It’s like opening a door with rusty hinges,

the man will make unusual noises sometimes, By ignoring his grumbling the hesitations

to grant you support quickly goes away.

Often when a man is not grumbling he is in the process of saying “NO!”

Because most women misunderstand this reaction, they either avoid asking him

for his support or they take it personally and rejects him in return.

So when this happens (the rejection) is now causing old feelings to resurfuce instantly,

and the relationship is on a 757 flight Southbound.   

Healing the resentment flu. It's not easy!

Women intuitively appreciate the little things. The only exceptions are when a woman doesn’t realize a man needs to hear her appreciation or when she feels the score is uneven.
When a woman feels unloved and neglected it is hard for her automatically to appreciate what a man does for her. She feels resentment because she has given so much more than he has.
This resentment blocks her ability to appreciate the little things.

Resentment is like getting the flu or a cold, it’s not healthy. When a woman is sick with resentment she
When she subtracts his score from her score he ends up with zero contributions, and he has now been given a zero; he has given ten (10) When he comes home she has

Here is my paycheck let's dance to our happiness.

tends to negate what a man has done for her because, 
according to the way a woman keeps score, she has done so much more, and the score is way out of balance.

When the score is forty to ten in favor of the woman, she may begin to feel very resentful.

Something happens to a woman when she feels she is giving way more than she is getting.
Quite unconsciously she subtracts his score of ten from her score of forty and concludes the score in their relationship is thirty(30) to a goose egg zero (0). 
This makes sense mathematically and is understandable, but it doesn’t work, like that.

a coldness in her eyes or in her voice that says her is a zero. not just zero points.
She is negating what he has done.
She  reacts to him as if he has given nothing-- but he has given ten (which the points
she awarded him for his deeds.

The reason a woman tends to reduce a man’s points this way is that she feels unloved.
The unequal score makes her feel that she isn’t important. Feeling unloved, she finds it very difficult 

to appreciate even the ten points he can legitimately claim. Of course, this isn’t fair. But it’s how it works.

What generally happens in a relationship at this point is the man feels unappreciated and loses his motivation to do more. He catches the resentment flu, which worse because she also has the resentment flu. She then continues to feel more resentful, and the situation gets worse and worse. Her resentment flu gets even worse.

Final thoughts

Allow me to tell two short stories: When I was married. I noticed a pattern with my then wife.
She would forget to buy gas in the evenings if her tank was near empty. So the next morning she would grab my car keys and drive my car to work since her job schedule start time was earlier than mine. This would get me annoyed. I would fill up her tank and drive her car to work.
But because I drove 50 miles each way, I would use up at least a quarter tank of gas,
therefore if I drove her car, after filling it up I would return it almost at half a tank.
Which negated whatever points I had gained… by filling up her tank. It never dawned on herthat she had used my gas in my car, to drive to her job and do whatever errands she hadto do after and that she should put back what she used. So to avoid having an argument about her tank not being full, I would tell her I filled up her tank this morning,
and I had to because she took my car, and left me her car with a tank on “E” empty.
She would ignore me for the rest of the evening. Just because I mentioned it. (smirking)
this worked fine for me if I wanted to watch a ball game uninterrupted.

So the flu bug of resentment lasted a week or more at times…
Just because HER tank was not full when we exchanged cars.
She wanted hers topped up regularly, she felt like her Love tank was never full.
The flu resentment virus seems to linger in marriage these days way longer than in my parents days.
Maybe because co-dependencies are different in today's worlds.

My dad gave my mother all his money when he got paid. She paid the bills handled the shopping and managed everything. He never asked if she could give him back some money to go out drinking with his friends. His cousin owned the bar around the corner from our home,
and he never had to pay for his drinks. So my mother was fine with him getting drunk now and then.
Until his cousin offers him the bar as he was retiring and wanted to go back to the Island, where,
they were born. My dad took the deal as he had never had his own business before.
Making the bar work was not hard since it was the only one in the area, and every man who drank went to that bar, there were no liquor stores around either. So he had established a consistent clientele.
But since many were his occasional drinking buddies before he became the manager,
he would sometime stay until closing and have a few drinks with them and get a serious buzz almost every night. My mom was not having it. Resentment flu kicked in, he was having way too much fun now. And she didn’t know how much money he was making since he gave the same amount as when he was earning a paycheck as a carpenter.
Hmm! uneven score, in her mind. He must have been holding out on her.
SMDH she wrote my dad’s cousin a letter telling him, she wanted him to sell the bar to someone else.
She believed all that drinking would kill her husband. She pointed out that she married a skilled carpenter, not a bartender/ manager. She wanted her way and got it.
Since my dad did not fight her on the decision she made without consulting him.
He went back to being an employee carpenter for his old company. I’m sure he caught the resentment flu, but never said much about it, until he got a little drunk, once in awhile, and needed to vent about he was once his own boss but his main boss didn’t want him to be his own boss,
what she perceived it as his death sentence. My dad outlived my mother by 20 years.
I guess my mom prevented him from dying prematurely.
BTW part of the deal was that he would send his cousin money on installments, to take over the ownership of the bar,  which he did for a while. His cousin after getting the letter from my mother made another deal that he would sell the bar to someone else, but the installments would be put in a bank account for my dad. You see my dad’s cousin was a smart businessman and he sold the bar at a profit thanks to my dad doing such a good job of keeping the clientele happy, the bar was thriving. They split the profits and my dad was able to build the house for my mother on the Island where they were all born, which I now live in. He quit his job a few years later and returned home and built the house with the money he made from his deal with his cousin. the Daniel cousins looked out for each other back then. Because my dad did much of the work himself with one other guy. He avoided having to spend what most people would spend to build a hillside house overlooking the city and the ocean. On the very same spot where my grandparent's house was when he was growing up. Now that I’m divorced I live in that house that my father built for my mother. I’ve modified it some and made it mine.

Not all of the puzzle pieces of life seem to fit together at first.
But, in time, you’ll find they do so, perfectly. ~Doe Zantamata

Living in confusion.