Empathy is not Sympathy

Leave me alone! You are no different

from the rest of the men from my past!

When a man comes along after a woman has been through some heartbreaks, he might empathize with her as he feels for her…. the emotions that tormented her are overwhelming her. But does he understand all that is circulating in her mind? We all know that men have been going around and doing things to women for years, even decades, leaving them heartbroken and cynical. But what can a good man do to make it right, he wasn’t the man who caused her mistrust. He wasn’t the man that caused her heartache, but yet he has to undo what others have done if he is to have a relationship with her. As I watched a video as two brothers explained what is going so wrong in many societies these days, I reflected on my own experiences with women, I had dealt with in the past, who had bad relationships prior to meeting me, who found it hard to trust and love again. They had children that were a constant reminder of what they deemed as their errors in judgment. One woman told me point blank, every man I was in a relationship with “cheated on me.” I knew at that point that I had two choices Empathy or Sympathy. Most women don’t want your sympathy, and may mistakenly think that you are giving them what they don’t want which is sympathizing with her instead of having Empathy, you are showing them. Society has conditioned all of us to shy away from Sympathy, we feel that the person is giving us the opposite of what we want “ Don’t pity me” is what the first thought that comes to mind. “I’m wounded not broken.” Men often struggle to deal with a woman who feels that way. Simply because he wants to help her but can’t figure out how to make her feel confident about herself worth after other men had caused her to believe that there must be something wrong with her. Which is why every man she had, (her father might have cheated on her mother) “cheated on her” and every child she has reminds her of her error in judgment in choosing to get involved with men who just used her. And has abused her trusting nature. Love can be the most wonderful feeling, or/and the most painful. We can’t amuse, upfront, which will happen when we meet someone who seems to have it all together. If you had a good reason not to trust someone in your past then trusting the next person that comes into your life is very hard to do, the first time something bad happens to you leaves a lasting impression.

Think about it as almost drowning after someone pushes you into the deep end of a  swimming pool. They may not have known that you could not swim. And after watching you struggle for a  minute or more swallowing water, someone else jumps in and saves you. No matter how hard they try they can’t instantly help you regain your confidence, and trust... therefore you are forever scared of the water. It takes work to help someone regain their confidence that they will not drown next time they go into the deep end of a swimming pool, without a life vest. No one wants to go into a relationship needing to be rescued, from what has been tormenting them, since their first negative experience. They most likely will shy away from you, no matter your good intentions, by avoiding to repeat whatever their negative experiences have been. Hurt seldom just fades and never return.  It will raise it’s the ugly head, during the moment that you feel vulnerable. So the cycle is possibly never really broken.

She confused me with her reaction, I was just trying to nice! 

Final Thoughts:

After I experienced a  divorce of a long term marriage, I didn’t get counseling because I felt that  I didn’t need it simply because I had gotten a few counseling session before the divorce. As I spoke to the counselor, she asked me a few questions about my habits, “was I a wife abuser,” was I “a gambler,” was “I a drunk, “was I drug user”, ”was I “a womanizer.” I answered ‘NO’ to all the questions. Then she asked my now ex-wife, If I  was any or all of those things, and she said “No, he is a good man for the most part…’ but she was no longer happy in our relationship. So the counselor told me in my last session that I wasn’t the problem my ex had issues that she was reliving and her insecurities were coming back to haunt her. I concluded that I was not going to try to undo what I did not directly cause, …. That was because I didn’t understand what it was she was experiencing. But I did cause some of her insecurities by triggering thoughts from her past, which I also contributed to at the beginning of our dating period. So we got divorced. And we split up permanently as I moved 1,300 miles away. I often think back on what I felt for the first few years after the divorce. I had invested all that I had into my marriage and my lifestyle what we built together. So I became a bit bitter, having to leave all that built behind and starting over. I did not seek counseling during that period, because in my mind ‘there was nothing wrong with me.’ Wrong! I didn’t know what I was feeling so I could not fix it, or ask for help. This is why seemingly healthy people may also need counseling.

As you grow more intimate in your relationships, love increases. As a result, the deeper, more painful feeling will surface that need to be healed-- deep feelings like shame and fair. Because we generally do not know how to deal with these painful feelings, we become stuck.

To heal them we need to share them, but we are too afraid too ashamed to reveal what we are feeling. At such times we may become depressed, anxious. These are all symptoms of our “mess” coming up and overflowing.

Kem - Share My Life