Deeply loved vs selfish expectations

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, 

while loving someone deeply give you courage. ~ Loa Tzu.

Many folks get the above statement  confused, I have to admit that as a man, Having Love in my life  has always been part of my being who I am, when I feel love I would do almost anything to make the person in my life happy.  It’s not always the romantic kind of love and all that stuff that people seem to need in their lives to feel strong and even courageous. When a man knows he is loved by someone he gets a surge of energy, I know this, because when the love stops coming my way I’ve felt  deflated as a result, making me wonder why am I even bothering to do things for the other person, who does not love me, or has stopped loving me, and/or I have stopped loving them. Most of the time it happens over a period of time, like rust, due to not enough maintenance. We don’t fall in Love or out of Love. Love is consistent energy. Just like electricity when it is cut off the things that you depend on to function using electrical  power stops functioning. A woman can always tell if a man loves her by how much time he is willing to invest. Money spent is meaningless, but time and energy spent is priceless! Men on the other hand seldom know if a woman truly loves them. Like the comedian Chris Rock said: “ men are never loved unconditionally, he needs to be able to facilitate a dream, provide something of value. 

For example: A woman thinks; “ if he loves me he will , prove it by doing  these things for me” her to-do-list of things can be short or long. And the man thinks: “if she loves me then she will consider doing these things for me.” his to-do-list of things can also be short or long. They may  both be mistaken in their thinking. Service to others has nothing to do with battering, these are the old ways of forming a relationship. “I will do for you, but only if you will  do for me,” Men and women have taken on new roles, in this 21st century, but still keep their old ideas lingering in their heads. Women are more independent these days but feel like they need to have a man do the thing they saw their fathers do for their mothers, who were in codependent relationships.  If he did not provide for her, and she didn’t do the domestic things for him neither of them were happy. Which may have worked, or not worked out well for our parents. But when a woman shifts to being more independent then she should not expect the same things her mother needed for survival. And a man who considers himself a modern-day man does not need his woman to do all the things his mother did for his dad either.  Why is this confusion continuing to cloud relationships. In my humble opinion it’s mainly because we want, what we think want, and therefore feel we are entitled to having what others are getting from their partners. No two relationships are the same. No man is able to feel totally satisfied in a relationship with a woman if he believes she is not giving him enough of what he needs, because he sees his buddies getting it from their women, we want what the Jones have. Well now that sharing has become more selfish and more demanding we get stuck in a rut of unhappiness, having co-dependencies that are not healthy and satisfying.  Once a relationship has been established as exclusive, then the  rules of that relationship is what you and yours vowed to uphold. 

But when two people start out by not adhering to their vows and then breaks these vows. Then the relationship is broken, and you can’t fix broken, now can you?

This is an old Japanese custom, of beautifying what was onces been broken. 

 Not many of us, these days,  are truly strong enough to fix and beautify what was broken. We often bail on the relationship. Now lets look at strong  independent women for a minute. 

I read the following in an article that got me thinking:

“Strong independent women know more than anything else that taking care of themselves is a must, and to not look upon anyone else to swoop in and save the day for them. They have been battle tested and learned what independence truly means.

Strong independent women have never known what it's like to need anyone because they had to fend for themselves at a younger age. Any strong independent woman you meet has had a few crappy hands dealt to her in life, but she has risen above like the  champion she is at heart, not allowing one misstep or misfortune to hold her down.

Additionally,

They don’t seek out a partner to get anything out of them; they seek someone in order to add value to their life. They only want someone who will lift them up, not drag them down. In the same way, they also wish to add meaning to someone else’s life and see the importance of both give and take in a relationship. A strong independent woman would never take more than she’s willing to give when it comes to love.

A strong woman is only attracted to a positive, uplifting person because she’s been through a lot in her own life and doesn’t want someone who will drag her back into the dirt.  She will always tackle problems with you, but won’t tolerate constant complaining and toxic behavior.”

Actually, being in a toxic relationship is something no one should tolerate. Unhealthy relationships only destroy the life of the couple, ruining their self-esteem, and causing sadness and pain.

Therefore, leaving such a union maybe  necessary, as the partners only delay their peacefulness and happiness they can get when they leave each other.

Everyone should devote his personal time and energy to someone who deserves it, and if you haven’t found your love yet, you will find greater happiness as an independent individual.  Being open to dating is absolutely great, but being completely happy independently single is acceptable and awesome as well.

Strong independent women often decide not to waste their energy on relationships that will only hurt them, as they are well aware of the fact that being alone is exponentially better than being part of an unhealthy relationship.

Being alone has nothing to do with feeling lonely, so feel free to be who you really want to be, and make sure you develop into the person of your dreams before you start working on a loving relationship with someone.

Buddha said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

“Thank you, for sharing this with me!”

Now just picture a couple who independently is willing to do the things for themselves, and their partner in a relationship of sharing. No selfish expectations. They are seldom disappointed because they are willing to do things for themselves. When you are strong and independent you are willing to do for yourselves, so  why can’t you do that in a union? Where sharing becomes the act of love and kindness.  

Final thoughts: So what is deep love, it’s the absence of judgement!

The world as we knew it has  changed for many of us, divorces are greater or about 50% this is mainly because of dissatisfaction  created by selfish expectations. These expectations have led to unhappy unions. What people expect from others is usually what  they are not willing to do for themselves. So if you are unwilling to do these things for yourself but still you are expecting someone else to do them for you… then this will lead to major disappointments, if they are not willing. Selfish expectations lead to the biggest causes of unhappiness. In the words of President John F. Kennedy:     “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,”   

Therefore this can be re-phased to read something like this in the case of relationships: “Ask not what your partner can do for you, ask what will you be willing to do for yourself, and share with your partner.” This will open up the giving and receiving traffic lanes, and more happiness will flow through these lanes of sharing. 

There will  be less selfish expectations. Therefore less disappointments... 

“I know you took out the garbage! Thank you!”