1) Mr. Right! is not that allusive character!”
This is typically where someone's good advice starts. ”It’ll come along when you least expect it,” and also “You’ll find it when you aren't looking“ this is it, retarded little sister. You can all just go screw yourself after you say this to any female who is single , and want to get married. These are ridiculous statements, that Women are programmed to look for. It’s in their genetic makeup and all that scientific B.S. That’s like saying, “hey, you know that dream career you want? don't working at it. It’ll happen when you least expect it. One day you’ll be walking down the street and BAM you’ll be a CEO of a fortune 500 company. And it’ll be success after success for years after that , but don’t work for it or anything like it. Just chill out on this couch. It’ll come to you.” You need to stop telling folks not to look for it, because let me tell you something, there have been times I have been looking for a pen and instead some serendipitous moron came along and finds it, and there have been days and times and months and years where I wasn't looking for it, and guess what I found it because I was not looking for the pen?
2) “You will never be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself first!"
This is true. There are those of you who ARE actually happy with who you are. I’m happy with myself. I’m so Damn happy with myself I actually wake up every morning and brush my teeth with rainbows toothpaste after I drinking 4 glasses of water and piss excellence and wash my face with glory. Seriously though, “finding yourself” is a process in life, and I don’t think you’re ever really “done,” finding yourself. Am I completely different person than I was in college? Not entirely because I'm single again. Have I gone through a ton of real World stuff that has changed my outlook and made me stronger, happier, more independent, and a better catch? LOL. Yes. Am I happy with myself? Yes. Will I continue to grow and change and all that good stuff that humans do until they die? Yes. Consider that it’s not that all of us happy single people need someone in our lives to do the things for us that make us happier, it’s that we’re finally happy and we want someone to share it with. Also, a lot of you “happy” fools in relationships seem like you need to have a few weeks on your own to evaluate yourselves. The incessant need for your boyfriend to text you back within thirty seconds after a text followed by a fit may not be the best proof surrounding your statement. "Come again. " OK... no one gave me a script for this text response. Is what I'm usually thinking., after a text venting about what someone said to you.
3) “You have all the time in the world. You are still young”
You’re still damn annoying, which means you are immature at times. Women will not give you two pennies how for guessing right on how old they are. Age isn't really what they’re complaining about. And although many of you are young, you still have examples of people who are old and alone every day. And that’s just a terrifying image. So my logic is just of being a man..... Fellahs , don’t call her “kid” at the end of that statement. If you’re older than her, and you add a “kid” onto the end in a sort of “endearing” way, She will find a legit way to light you and your family on fire. in a language you might not know but you will understand, the hand gestures..
4) “You deserve the World from someone”
Hey, she couldn't agree more. Actually after hearing this a couple dozen times it makes her feel like you’re just saying it to avoid the conversation about how depressing it is that no one has come along yet. You could list off a million reasons why she is worth all the love and unicorns and mermaids in the world, and she would be on your page a hundred percent. As a matter of fact, she would have written more pages after she was done being on your page, so that she could also be on those pages as well. So now that you know what she deserves, what clever thing do you have to say that will make her feel better about the fact that the universe has decided to hold out on giving her the things she deserve?5) “You are just looking for love in the wrong places!”
This one’s particularly good. Because then she get to ask the follow up question of “then please tell me where I should be looking.” Tell her more about this magical land that you found your significant other? LOL. I paid dearly after 25 years of having a significant other. OH, was it at WORK? Or was it the GYM? Or were you SET UP? Please tell me, because I guarantee, I have had some type of dating experience with someone from each place you say is the “right” place to look. You fuckheads seem to think all single single people just go out to bars and get trashed and try to marry the first thing that buys women a round of shots. Just because she goes to bars occasionally does not mean she has a belief she's going to meet the man she's going to marry in a Cabo San Lucas. Consider that sometimes women just want some vodka and loud music. You know, to drown out other folks shitty dating advice.
6) ”Have you tried online dating?”
And you should try seeing how much of your head you can fit into an oven. Internet dating is essentially Craigslist missed connections with direct messaging and a few more pictures of Carl’s body after a workout. OK Cupid, Match.com, Christian mingle (WHY GOD, WHY) all of these sites are probably the WORST place to find real love. Love isn't something that you should have to read manifestos and “6 things I can’t live without” sections to find. It’s probably one of the most inorganic ways to find someone, in my opinion, and I’m not knocking it, but there’s no way a woman should be setting up an online profile for the likes of James, the recently divorced father of three, and Tucker, the obsessive college junior with a wandering eye. I’ll be at the bar.
7) “Maybe you are being a little too picky!”
OH, I’M SORRY. Please, lead me be your lair of Meatloaf look-a-likes and Frankenstein’s with a kind hearts. Let’s be clear, Women want to be picked, they still are just trying to make sure they don’t end up with someone half-blind, who is a closet alcoholic, and has enough emotional baggage to figuratively crash a 747 .
8) “But at the same time don’t just settle!”
I don’t even have anything to say for this. There’s too much rage from number 7 come at me, right about now!
9) “Get out more!”
Unless a woman needs to be naked on the corner of "anything goes Blvd." cooking brownies, making sandwiches, throwing paychecks in the air and simultaneously holding twins, I think progressive women in the 21st century are doing a pretty good job. But hey, if you have any more advice on REALLY putting herself out there, let me know, and I will pass it on to my readers. Maybe existing as a human being and going places and meeting people in the world just isn't enough.
10) Be REAL and state your case as to why a man should pick you!
Just cruise on down the road in your Red Alfa Romeo and chill.... he might be a cop that was told to stop every Red car he sees, driving a little over the speed limit. Enough said.
If women are reading this and see what BAD seeds I'm planting and reading this blog, to find answers. I'm sorry, I have none!
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