Black men, we need to acknowledge that we are the problem in relationships.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment I began to question the masculinity of African-American male as toxic. At one point I found myself constantly attempting to live up to the standards presumed from my Black male counterparts. Acceptance from my Black male friends was something that I sought out more than accepting my own point of view as to who I should be. References of BAD boys of their era.O.J. Simpson, Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Jim Kelly, Richard Roundtree  to name just a few were guys I admired growing up. Now it seem like I should have know better because these guy mistreated women on the regular. Now even guys like Morgan Freeman.. are getting a bad rap.

I play the roll of a bad-boy!

It might be best to start this conversation with my experiences at 17 years old. I had just left  a small Island and moved to NYC to attend the University scene and was entering the Big apple environment. The sights, the rhetoric, the style of the students were drastically different from what I was used to.

Girls that I was getting to know had  become full-blown women after their first semester, guys that I once recalled to have toothpicks for arms now sustained muscles that were covered in art, and everybody had adopted a new way of talking which was known as slick “lingo!”

It took quite some time for me to adjust and adapt, which showed just how out-of-touch my little Island World  had made me, with my new had to join in on "code switch" experiences.   One of the major topics that  caught my  attention during my assimilation  into my new University life was how everyone was uncovering their sexuality.

Virtually everybody was sexually active, in one way or another. This concept was so foreign to me, considering how committed I was to saving my best  sexual experiences for a special lady. I found out that every new girl I met could be a  special lady a potential  marriage material (in my naive mindset) While the sexuality between both the young men and women in my school was being uncovered, I observed how gender operated to determine one’s sexual journey.

Men were praised for accumulating the most “bodies” (meaning the number of people somebody has slept with). The more bodies the man had, the more acclaim he got from his peers. In some instances, women would be more willing to mess with that man who had the most bodies because it showed he had experience. Not necessarily  pleasing women, but using them for their pleasure.

Meanwhile, women were criticized for having sex with multiple men. The more bodies a woman had, the more slander was thrown her way. Rhetoric such as “sluts”, “thots”, or “hoes” were passed around as if these women were deserving of these labels. They did not question the logic behind why men can have multiple partners and women cannot. That was just how it was!

When my friends asked me, I told them I was not a virgin, but  I had limited experience with women,I didn't consider girls I had sex with as  women, so I was green. Then the questions became how was I still so green, with the tone escorting that question being affiliated with a level of available shock. This shock gradually transitioned into straight disgust, as I saw girls I liked having been with a few guys I knew were pure  slimy dogs ( I didn't want flees, so I didn't look at those women as potential prospects).

Instead of truthfully stating that I was saving my best experiences for someone worthy of marriage, I made up an excuse about  women refusing to “put out,  because I was an Island guy..." My story got a resounding “MAN WHAT? THESE GIRLS BE TRIPPING!” from of my audience and progressively transformed into a suggestive “you just gotta start finding the easy joints bro. The dumb joints who would let anybody hit.” In My mind I had no intentions of finding these “easy joints” but just to solidify that I was “down” with the idea of fornicating with women, who had been with most of these dude that had no standards, I made sure to tell my fellahs to “put me onto, the list of easy hits.”


At that moment, I did not think much of this incident. Sure, I had just compromised my integrity to fit in with my ASSociates.  WelI hasn't every teenager done that at some point in their lives?  What made my case any more different or immoral than–say a 16-year-old white girl lying to her friends that she smokes weed?

And ultimately that was the problem.

The problem was that I saw no problem with what I said about my fallout with  a young women I really liked... who dropped me, like a hot potato, after our first date, because I took her to what she consider to be a boring  " Caribbean culture show and dance." She was nice about wanting to leave.... So I called her a cab. My night was over.... but I was not leaving with her, to get a hand shake "good night" at her dorm room door. Since  nothing was going to happen, between us,  I saw no reason to be a gentleman in this environment  of macho-ism. I let her go home by herself.. (not really my proud)

I viewed my actions as a normality between men and women who didn't hit it off in the African-American community. We be little the women. These discussions  were held frequently, at the barber shop  and I was just taking my part in it.  What I was supposed to say. I have heard my barbers, my peers, and random men in the streets use such explicit tongue to describe women or their encounter with them.

The fact that not much  changed since by Post teen years in NYC. every part of the country that I visited or lived in,  after that it was pretty much the same... The  loose morals behavior that I  now question..... when it will ever change. Women deserve better... But even good guys fall into the trap of wanting to fit in with the low-life bad-boys. baby-face guys need to act like the nice guys they are. 

making songs: "I said I love you!"