What is the worst thing that could happen in your relationship?

Maybe you can live with “the fake behaviors” for a period of time…...

but most people can not deal with them forever.

Their  true behaviors will show eventually

In my humble opinion, the worst thing is when your relationship

has built an ongoing history where acceptance of who you really are not …...

fake accepted and then real is not accepted, and trust therefore out the window,
in a short period of time

and you are rejected, by the person you are committed to,
because you don’t live up to other person’s expectations,

their beliefs, their values, their unrealistic expectations, etc
are shattered set of dreams

if you just need to be who they want you to be.  

you will not have mutual respect from the very beginning you are off to a very rough start

and the voyage will get worse over time,

resentment builds and builds,

frustrations build and build, and a disdain for each other may even grow into hate,

There are many ways you can overcome resentments and even frustrations...

but hate is not so easy, because it can become permanent.

Why is it that you start off believe that you love someone and then you become hateful towards them

because they are not acting the way you want them to act.

"There is a very thin line between love and hate. "

 Or is it the other way around?

 

A lady once told me she made the greatest mistake agreeing to marry her husband because he's not

the man she wants him to be as part of her future, now that they are a couple.

My reaction was:

‘Hmmm! You want him to be a man you read about in the fairytale books or

you saw in the movies or on TV.’

She said: “like the man Bill Cosby played in the TV series.”

so  I asked her: ‘Do you really believe that  Bill Cosby was that kind of man?

’  She paused and said: “well he was acting like it.

” OK,  So he was acting, and you are buying into the act and believing that your man should act that

way also?  

Then I asked her; ‘are you the kind of woman Phylicia Rashad,

as her charter “Clair” was?

The operative word here is “Acting!”

When you do act in a way that makes people believe that it’s the real you, but it's "fake you"

then who is really being fooled, you or them?

Denzel Washington received an Oscar Award

for his roll in “Training day” his role was as “a corrupt cop.” A black cop corrupt?

Um- huh this role  Got him his first Oscar Award,

but not his role as a good father in “John Q”,

where his son needed a new heart and he decided to put the hospital under siege to get his son the right heart so that he could live.
He was willing to die to save his son’s life,

and in the end, he went to jail but he succeeded in getting his son the heart transplant.

Now that was the acting that deserved the Oscar Award…. in my view.

But good acting does not get the same notoriety like act as “a black bad person.”

Just so I’m very clear very few good husbands are awarded and given recognition for how good

and attentive they are as husbands. However, the bad husbands are the talk of

the town from east to west, North to South.

Maybe that’s because wives do not want other women

to know they have a good man,

so they keep that information to themselves because good men are

hard to find and other women might try every trick in their pantry to 

get him away from the wife for themselves --well so I ’ve heard.

But bad men are easy to find because women talk about how

badly they behave to everyone who will listen.

Bad news travels fast and wide.   

The USA even elected Donald Trump despite,

of all the bad things that came out about him before and after the elections.

He is still doing things that make almost everyone Shake their heads with disapproval.

Or are many nodding with approval? Well,

time will tell how long this bad actor continues his act, as president.

We often have greater problems with our offsprings who do not conform to our beliefs,

so we try to fix them and break them to a point of no return.   

They stop thinking “Home is where my heart is….

Because their parents do not respect them and they broke their hearts,

so they will stay away from now on.

 President Obama said it best:

“the reason the problems aren't solved is that of 'hate, anger, racism, mommy issues!”

Well in many cases daddy issues are also very difficult

to overcome for many,

therefore solving problems become even more dramatic between

spouses.

where the male had “mommy issues” and the female

“had daddy issues”

and ever vice versa. There is “No fix”even possible in these extreme cases,

in my humble opinion.

We want perfect relationships because these images of others looking

and acting happy are so different from our realities.  

We have started off broken so we can’t suddenly fix what is broken.

If your foundation is not solid then you are not able to have a solid structure.

 

Final thought

Ask yourself the question was my mate happy when we met,

if “yes,” then you are off to a good start.

If “no” then you have a tough uphill road to climb.

‘You can’t make someone else happy!’

You can only share happiness if both individuals

are happy with themselves.

This house is always a mess!

"Are you doing it, on purpose, so that we will break up!"

If your house is not in order, don’t expect a working woman to return home and go on a

cleaning spree.

I'm composing a love song,
she might enjoy hearing the words that often go unspoken between us!

When a woman has a career she will find so much wrong with

 the home she shares with her man.

Especially if he is already home when she arrives.

 So here is the translation to the caption, her thoughts:

“today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so messy.

I am frustrated and I need a rest.

I hope you don’t expect me to clean it all up.

Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up

your part of it?”

OK!  But without the translation, we fellahs don’t hear the same thing.

“ This house is a mess because of you.  

I do everything possible to keep it clean by cleaning it up daily,

and before I have finished you have messed it up again.

You are a lazy slob and I don’t want to live with you unless you change.

Clean up or clear out!”  

So how do we get the message clear and consistent?

The answer is never let your home become messy.

It’s her home also.  

“You used to keep a neat house before I moved in,  don’t love me anymore”

Translation: should be the following in a man’s ears:

“today I am feeling as though you don’t love me.

I am afraid I have pushed you away.

I know you really do still love me, you do so much for me.

But today I am just feeling a little insecure.

Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words.

When you do that it feels so much better!”

Another possibility is that he will miss the translation completely:

“I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing in return.

You used me. You are selfish and cold-hearted.

You do what you want to do, for you and only you.  

You do not care about anybody.

I was a fool for loving you.

Now I have nothing!”

OML how does a man defend himself against the attacks,

that has nothing to do with the cleaning-up of the house?

First men need to look around all the corners and see what else is causing the fuss.

If you can’t see the obvious then check the neighborhood for new residents.

So this young Lovely moves into the apt two doors down.

And you lady’s insecurities are showing big time.

Final thoughts

Without a translation, when women say " things are not in order" a man should hear " you don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on by you. You are focusing on someone else this why your romantic skills are definitely inadequate. You have never really fulfilled my needs. I wish you were more like the other men I have been with!"

One of the big challenges for men these days is to correctly interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. (in code) The biggest challenge for a woman is to correctly interpret and support a man when he isn't talking and responding to her insecurities. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.

It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed.

The reason is that he knows that deep down she is blaming him for feeling the way

she does.

these numbers don't make sense, what 
the hell has he been doing with our money?

A young man who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother’s needs enters a relationship as an adult with a  rare confidence that he too can succeed in fulfilling his partner’s needs. He is not terrified of

commitment because he knows he can deliver. He has seen it done,
up close and personal.

He also knows that when he doesn’t deliver he is

still adequate and still deserving of his woman’s love and appreciation for doing his best.

He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his utmost and his best is good enough.

He is able to apologize for his mistakes because

he expects to be forgiveness, that’s love.

He knows that everyone makes mistakes.
He saw his father make mistakes and his
wife continued to love himself.

He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all mishaps.

He felt her trust and encouragement.
Even though at times his father had

disappointed her. Many men these days do not have successful role models.

For them staying in a loving relationship, getting married,

is as difficult as flying a 777 Jet without any training.

He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash

. It’ is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times.

Or if you’ve witnessed your father crash.
Without a good role model training manual for

relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

I will never forget my fiance correcting my mom before we got married my mom said that

I had worked hard to graduate from a university and completed my dream of becoming a

professional in my field of Computer science and that I had become “the perfect man”

she knew I would become.
My fiance said, “he is not perfect!”

My mother looked at me with that look in her eyes that said:
“she does not have blind faith

in you  my son.”
Well honestly I knew that up front and it didn’t matter to me.

But to my mother, she was not happy that the modern day woman would have the nerve to

feel like that,
as she was hitching her wagon on a train that was moving forward.

Her one and only son had made a choice and she would not live long enough to see if it

was the right choice.
My mother died 3 months after our wedding.
My marriage lasted 25 years before ending in a divorce!
Longer than most folks who got married during
the same period in my inner circle of associates.

Just like we wear masks in our relationships, 
we don’t always face the facts that we misunderstand the true meanings of each other’s phrases! 

We speak different languages, and we translate incorrectly.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives,

metaphors, and generalizations. 

When we first got together the man from Mars and the

woman from Venus encountered many of the problems with relationships we still have today. Because we still don’t recognize that we are different, we are not able to not solve

problems because we still to know the secrets of effective communication.

Ironically, we communicate well because we speak the love language at times,

But when we have problems, we need to have a translator to assist us.

Everyone should know that people from different places speak different languages,

so why do we assume that we can deal with conflict we start judging and fighting

instead of pulling out our phrase dictionaries to understand each other fully.

We use the same words in the language we speak but the way we express

them has different meanings. We need to know the difference between expressing feeling

versus expressing information. We need translators especially these days.

With the crossover in gender roles, men and women seldom mean the same things

even when they use the same words in the same environments.

For  example, when a woman says:’ I feel you never listen”.”

She does not expect the words never to be taken literally. Using the word “never”  

is just a way of expressing her frustration she is feeling at that moment. It is not

to be taken as if it is factual information.

Final thought

Fellahs the #1 complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.”

Even this complaint is misunderstood by men.  OK, what does it really mean?

A Man’s literal translation of “I don’t feel heard” leads him to invalidate and sometimes argue with her feelings. Men think he has heard her if he can

repeat what she said. A translation of what a woman is saying:

I don’t feel heard”  = “I feel as though you don’t fully understand what I really mean to say or care enough about how I feel. Would you show me that you

are interested in what I have to say? And at least try to figure out how I feel”

If we men really understand a woman’s complaints then we would argue less

and be able to respond more positively.  

Think about it for a minute when you are on the verge of arguing,

it’s generally because of misunderstanding each other.  

Take the time to rethink/ translate what we have heard and how to

best understand that women express feelings differently,

women inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner’s feeling,

often because she feels that he is invalidating her feelings.

This leads to wars of the sexes!

She has boxed up her stuff... and is ready to leave and she is smiling.
this can mean two things: a happy goodbye
 Or.... she might go postal in a few minutes. can you determine which?

Is there enough blame to go around?

There are enough good reasons to blame the opposite sex for your troubles.

However, if you are pointing a finger remember pointing your one finger in the direction
of the other person, 3 fingers are pointing directly back at you.

So 1 VS 3  finger pointing is simple math.  

Men know that women blame them for almost all of their situational unhappiness.  

And women feel that men blame them for many unreasonable reasons also.

The other day I saw a post where a good friend of mine,
pointed out that Men wait until they look their very worse before they settle down.
I responded and joked

OK I take exception to that Diane Choisy. I was settled and married for 25 years in my prime... now that I look like the pic and no one wants to settle down with me, you bring up settling down! I'm hurt!

Diane Choisy Bernardo A. Daniel you are the one percent exception !!! You look amazing 😉
Bernardo A. Daniel Diane Choisy this why I love you with all my heart!From time to time we would text each other when I would see some that might interest her to
which career path she should take. Now while we have had a good friendly relationship our mutual
The following are some 1 to 3 finger pointing examples:


Don't you know how I feel.

Why is this so interesting?
Because she has known me for at least 10 years and she has not changed,

she has always been beautiful inside and out and now she has a business making other women beautiful.
From time to time we would text each other when I would see something that might interest her to enhance her business, or joke with her.

 This started about 10 years ago when she asked my opinion which career path she should take. Now while we have had a good friendly relationship our mutual admiration has always been based on respect for each other.

I have never overstepped that line.. I think she appreciated that more than anything else.  

Aren't you glad I made you change your outfit now you match me perfectly!
look behind us, everyone is looking at us!

The following are 3 examples of my thoughts referring to pointing fingers:

1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn’t like the way he dresses without giving him a lecture on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed “ I don’t like that shirt on you. Would you wear another one tonight?” If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say “I’m sorry--- I didn’t mean to tell you how to dress.” Hmmm! But you just did, the 3 things that was going on in your head was that his shirt did not match what she was planning to wear, his choice is just in sharp contrast to what she may have questioned her choices  before blaming him for picking what she would not have picked, OK her shoe choices do not look good with her dress, her hairstyle does not look good with her earrings. My point is; there is so much that we are not taking into consideration because we are too busy pointing out what is wrong with the other person’s choices. His One bad choice to your possible many!
2. If he is sensitive -- and some men are -- then she could try talking about it based on another time, he messed up. She could say “ Remember that blue shirt you wore with the gree slacks? I  didn’t like that combination. Would you try wearing it with your grey slacks?” Maybe he is color blind and never realized it before. To him is choices are reasonable and he looks good in the mirror. But to her, he is just not coordinated and his choices are clashing with her taste. Maybe her taste is off just a little bit also. She picked him, and she should have questions why she picked him out of all the other choices she had. Now she can’t fix him overnight without stepping on his sensitivity.  My point is; there are 3 reasons she doesn't like his choices, and now she is doing and saying things that are making him question his choice in picking her as a mate!
3. She could directly ask “ would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick out an outfit for you” If he says “NO”, then she can be sure that he doesn’t want any more mothering. If he says “Yeah”, be sure not to give too much advice. Remember he is sensitive and smothering his will make him feel like he is 5 years old. Once again who told her that she had great taste in clothing? Maybe her taste in how she dresses irritates him but he has not said anything, because silence in these cases is Golden. If you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all…. But then she would blame him for not speaking up if someone outside of their home mentioned that her shoes did not look great or her choice in accessories was not fitting for the occasion.

Final thought

Any time two people, one from Mars and the other from Venus, hookup they should not act as if they are living on earth where you can bring your planets together and try to override the other’s planet’s strengths and weaknesses.

Stop pointing that finger at me! Take note of the 3 fingers that are pointing back at you!

Don't you know how I feel

You just don't know!