Tease Me Please Me

A near mistake, I don’t think I’m the only one who avoided making a major mistake, in this area. Men seldom brag about the near mistakes they almost made. Well, we also brag too much about the mistakes of sleeping with a woman we know we should not have slept with. Think about it for a moment. Why is that?

Ooh, We almost slept together!

I’ve often wondered about what if I had met you before you'd

gotten with my girlfriend?

A quick story: While traveling to Denver Colorado on a business trip, I called a female friend, who I knew when we both lived in Chicago. She dated my best friend at the time, but they had broken up. We all met at a party, she was a Flight attendant trainee and he was an instructor for United Airlines. She was drop dead gorgeous but had issues big time. So we were all friend my then girlfriend and she became friends, her and I became good friends because she felt she could talk to me about things that bothered her. My best friend was not a listener. I was! She appreciated me for having that quality. So when I flew into Denver I called her and told her I was in town. Denver is one of those cities that had a black culture I had never experienced before. Folks were very friendly, the bartender in the lobby bar warned me to be careful about being set up, as Vice had women Police officer hanging out in the hotel. My friend and I  met up in the Hotel restaurant for dinner. She didn’t have a car at that point. So she took a cab over to meet me. After dinner, we decide to have some drinks in the bar area. She then suggested we go to the club on the top floor. But I had an early morning seminar scheduled and declined her suggestion, so we went to my hotel room to talk like I mentioned before she liked talking to me about her issues. We killed a bottle of wine, and she just let it all flow, her issues with my best friend lack of commitment to her and so much more. I listen and would offer a comforting word now and then. Wow, this made her tell me she always wondered what would have happened if she had met me before she had gotten involved with my friend and if I was not involved with my lady at that point. We could have had many pillow talk moments. Hmm! When She got up and went into the bathroom, I thought to myself she is coming on to me.  But I was not going to go there. Why not? Because she was too messed up! When she came out of the bathroom I said it’s getting late, should I call you a cab, her response: “I was  thought we would explore what we missed out on!” and then she said it: “I was planning on spending the night with you, this is why I came in a cab” So I thought: ‘Oh hell no! You are not setting me up like that.’

You are  going home even if I have to drive you.’ She was not happy, that I rejected her. I was not rejecting her as a friend. I just had the Vice warning swirling around in my head, and that was enough to keep me from making a major mistake.

Final thoughts

If a woman had fantasies about a man but never told him. And comes on to him after years of knowing that he is married. Does the man wonder if he is being set up simply because she is friends with his significant other? I’ve always avoided doing something stupid and having to deal with the fall out after. That just me!

We need to learn to support each other without having to change ourselves or try to change the other person.

Call me crazy....  but I have seen it done. I understand things better now that
I have matured a bit and think back about what made a marriage work for years.
When a man feels appreciated for listening and he doesn’t feel rejected for not sharing more,
he will gradually begin to open up more. When he feels as though he doesn’t have to talk more about his feelings, then naturally he will. But first, he needs to feel accepted.
If his woman is frustrated by his silence she is forgetting that men are from Mars!   
Women these days are more independent, So when things are not going well women released their resentment towards their man because they are expecting too much from their counterpart.

Warning: the following are signs for men that she may be going into her wave mode when she needs his support and his love the most. Men need to understand what is happening....
and should play it "cool"

She feels: “Overwhelmed.”

She may say: “ There  is too much to do.”

She feels: “Insecure.”

She may say: “ I need more, from you.”

She feels: “Resentful”

She may say: “I do everything, and you don’t help me”

She feels: “Worried.”

She may say: “ But what about …....”

She feels: “Confused.”

She may say: “ I don’t understand why…..”

She feels: "Why doesn't  he have an answer for this?"

The following are things that obstruct the intimacy cycle for men,
as he wants/ needs to go into his cave.

Physical - when a man pulls away, a woman may physically follow him.
He may walk into another room and she follows.
Or she does not do the things she wants to do so that she can be with her partner.

Emotional - she emotionally follows him, She worries about him.
She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him.
She smothers him with attention and praise.

Mental - She may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilt-inducing questions such as
“How could you treat me this way? or “What’s wrong with you?”
or “Don’t you realize how much it hurts me when you pull away from me?  

Learning that forming togetherness requires understanding,
both men and women have had to adjust to these realities.
But it’s hard to argue with a woman when she insists that the burden
of the modern day, relationships fall more heavily on the woman.

Ladies, a man’s "past" may affect his intimacy cycle.

The natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood.
How dysfunctional was his childhood? He may be afraid to pull away because he witnessed his mother’s disapproval of his father’s emotional distancing.
Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away.
He may unconsciously create arguments to justify pulling away from his woman.

This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of suppressing some of his masculine power.
He is an extremely sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away.
Without knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion;

he becomes passive or overly dependent. He may be afraid to be alone or to go into his cave.
He may think he doesn’t like being alone because deep inside he is afraid of losing love.
He has already experienced that feeling in his childhood, his mother rejecting his father and indirectly rejecting him the son because he looks like his father.

Understanding this male intimacy cycle is just as important for men as it is for women.
Some men feel guilty needing to spend time in their cave or they may get confused when they start to pull away and then later spring back.
They may mistakenly think something is wrong with them.
It’s such a relief for both men and women to understand these secrets about men.

Wise men and women learn to accept, what is!

When a wise man gains insight into how women are affected by his intimacy cycle,
a man can recognize the importance of sincerely listening when a woman speaks,
he understands respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care.
Whenever he is not needing to retreat, the wise man takes the time to initiate the conversation by asking his female how she is feeling.  
He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he retreats that he will return.
He might say “ I need some time to be alone and then we will have
some special time together with no distractions.”
Or if he starts his reverse actions while she is talking he might
say” I need some time to think about this and then we can talk about it.”

OK. maybe she will grasp what he is doing and not push, or pull him.

<smirking> but when she does not fully want to grant him time alone.
She will probe him about why he left and needed to be in his cave, without her.

I can't make you love me!

Try Loving her for her intellect

He keeps asking me to come back, 
this is so not going happen!

I’ve struggled with this reality for years. Why are some people so surprised when they discover women are smart. Men and women alike would first assume that women are less intelligent than men. When I was talking to some friends about a woman I admire for her brains and how she carried herself. The first response I heard was “she is so damn upper-ty”  I SMDH why did this fool go there? He does not even know anything about her!  Well, here I go thinking that because my friend referred to her as “upper-ty”, I rushed to defend her, he was a “fool.” Putting others down has been a bad habit, we go negative before we go positive. Making an assumption about things and people we know nothing about.

We are often so caught up in appearances that we don’t stop to think that the person has way more to offer than how they look.

You are so chauvinistic to think that without your admiration my beauty is wasted and useless! 

 Men are now finding themselves caught behind the proverbial “8 ball,” which happens to be black and has a figure “8”  on it. Women have that figure “8” which causes men to stop and stare at what he knows is not obtainable. So much so that many men are staring at her figure so long that they are being left behind… losing ground every day. While women are growing by leaps and bounds. Getting advance degrees,  starting businesses, and moving up the corporate ladders. We men even find ourselves wishing that her opportunities had come our way, even if she earned it and men were not willing to put in the work. This envy is growing and wreaking havoc in relationships. A quick story. I had a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman, we met on Wall Street, not a girl because she was my senior by a couple of years, when I was finishing my senior year at the Univerisity. She had already graduated and had started her career with a Publishing firm.

I was proud to be seen on her arm because she was so very accomplished, and she looked great on my arm. she was also a great dancer who made me look like I also was a good dancer we were smooth on the dance floor together..

However back then the glass ceiling was a solid concrete floor. Women had jobs, not careers that took them to executive offices.

When I graduated I was offered an internship at IBM, (I was a token black man that was going places) this took me away from NYC. to upstate N.Y. when I returned  to the city I was ready to start my career as an IT professional and grow, I interviewed for a job with a consulting IT firm that wanted to send me to Illinois. She became upset with me that I was thinking about taking a job in

Northbrook Ill. to work for Allstate Insurance on a contract. I never thought she would be upset, about me hitting my stride since we had already had 6 months of being apart from each other when I was at IBM. My new career as a stepping stone for me to gain the necessary experience, and it was initially for only 6 months, I just didn’t see what she was seeing. I was being selfish as most young career mind black men were, and she was being insecure. She had grown as far as she thought she was going to grow in her career. Instead of me seeing what she was feeling I was very excited about making the move to Illinois which was 800 miles away, an 1 and a half hr plane ride, or a 12 hrs drive away. I knew this because I drove from N.Y. to Ill a couple time in my brand new T-bird, with the glass T-top, I might not have been able to afford that car if I stayed in N.Y. things like car Insurance, parking in my underground apt. building garage, life in N.Y was way more expensive than it was in Illinois, plus I paid move taxes in N.Y. than any other state I lived.

She broke off our relationship telling me “I had made my choice!” and “she was not my choice. I had picked my career over love.” I was young and therefore  L-O-V-E was a four letter word to me.

We saw each other only once after that, I returned to NYC to pack up the rest of my stuff to be shipped to the mid-west and I visited her at her highrise apt. on the 10th floor, I'd taken a pic of her on the balcony before I left. She was happy to see me, initially, because she thought I had returned to resume our relationship, but I told her I was making my move to Illinois a permanent move.  So I came by to tell her Bye Bye. That was the end for us.

Dialing forward to things as they are now: Women are being put in these positions of growth in their careers, men are now finding themselves in these types of positions, of resentment. We don’t handle split-ups very well, because we know if she leaves us, it will be just a matter of time before we are forgotten, and she would have moved on. While women in the past would pack their bags and leave with her man whose career had taken him to another place to live, men are less likely to do this, these days.  Men start thinking like cavemen, having internal conversations with themselves something like this; “So what do you really expect? That she was going to give up a great opportunity to stay here with your sorry A$$ as you wind down your second-rate career?”   

Maybe that 25 yr old woman I knew back then, as I was just a 22-year-old and going places... may have been thinking the same type of things, since she was from N.Y. and had never ever thought about leaving the state or the city for that matter, her boundaries was the George Washington bridge…... she was home … I, on the other hand, was not from N.Y. I only went there to seek my advanced degree… and I had gotten it… therefore I was leaving heading for a new major city was an option that intrigued me I had never been to Illinois before that move, so I was looking forward to the move….regardless of how my move made her feel. I was cold-blooded, I guess, thinking back I felt bad, while I thought about how I had made her feel as I drove back to Illinois, it would have been nice to have her as company on those long stretches of lonely highways, we would have talked things out, bring clarity to how we both felt.  Maybe I made a wise career choice, I settle down in Wheeling Ill., one town over from Northbrook, and lived there for 4 years almost 5, got married. And when I decide the freezing Chicago Hawk winters, from late Sept to June of the following year was too cold for a tropical fella like myself, so I talked, my then young wife to move 1,300 miles away from her closely-knit family and start a new life in Miami Florida, where she did have some family, 2 aunts an uncles and a few cousins. Her brother left Ill. and joined us a 1 year and a half later when we settled into our newly built first home and lived with us for 4 years, while he attended the University. He was and still is my brother, as we became very close, not just my brother in law and the godfather to my first born son. When he got married he continued to live with us for about 6 more months with his new bride, before they bought their first home. His wife was from Engeland and had moved to Miami to pursue her new career in nursing. Maybe she left a lover behind in London, who knows. Well, in the end, she divorced her husband and continued to pursue her new career, now she is an MD. in the state of Indiana. I started to notice, at that point the new Pattern of women choosing careers over love, which was making women move for Jobs, nixing the wants and needs of their partners, who were often stuck in a rut for a few years, wondering this or that.

So what’s for dinner my stay at homemaker husband?

“Your favorite” my Career oriented wife.

Final thoughts   

I don’t have any regrets about my various life-altering moves, I had gotten used to making good choices, they worked out well for me, career-wise. Maybe on some level, these moves forced me to get out of my comfort zone and push harder to succeed, not having a safety net in a new highwire act, which looks dangerous to some folks,  but when you can walk the tight rope like I had learned to do and have faith in your potential success… then you know that you had done what was in the cards, the hand you were dealt was played out and you won. My mindset is now a bit different, because of my experiences. As I see women having to make choices and having to leave their comfort zones I know to some degree what they must be feeling, to just grow and don't let no one hold you back.

Best of luck to all you, career-minded ladies!

It’s coming from a deep place, when she calls you “a Male-whore!

Fellahs, she is not calling you a Malewhore for no reason.

There is some deep hurt in that place where she is coming from. We men have no understanding what women go through when after she dropped the panties, and gave you something that she thinks should have been preserved for that special someone…. For a second or maybe a minute, worsed yet a few hours, she felt vulnerable and let you into her world. It was good to her and she knew that the two of you struck a cord of harmony. But, you fellah took her for granted!

And if you just got up, pulled up your pants, like it was any other morning, and walked out of the room. You left her thinking. “He just walked out and took my heart and piece of my pride with him!”

Women often spend years telling themselves “it’s what adults do. It’s how life works.” As they watch a man, they felt something for, work his way through town and every available female within a radius. This vision plays over and over in their heads, leaving her pride broken in little pieces more and more each time she sees you. They tell themselves “ I will lock that night up, using a combination lock,  and throw away the numbers to that combination lock, while simultaneously building a wall around my heart, I refuse to ever allow myself to feel that way again!”

But here is the problem, every time she sees you with another woman, the combination lock numbers she used, magically reappears in her mind and she goes there. Now we men don’t know how this happens. Unless we have felt betrayed by a woman in a similar fashion.

Let’s just get real here men feel it too, ladies, maybe in a different way, if he is a male-whore then betrayal may have happened to him at some point in time that he too got his heart smashed. That is the turning point where sleeping around maybe his therapy. Needless to say, men live in a Man’s World, and he can be a Male-whore and it’s accepted by every dude in his circle of friends maybe even female friends. Player, player, the player plays on. Is the  Badge of a stud.

Let us take a deeper look at what was in the eras of old which is no longer playing it tunes in this society. Men have seeds to sow, Millions of them and the only way we will get relief is to sow them. The population growth is depending on the sowing of these seeds. Biologically men feel the need to have multiple “mini-me(s)” running around male and/or female. Tell a man his kids look like him and his chest rises. His should and his posture straightens. So it’s what he is most proud of. Society has changed the results of when two people get together. We use condoms and spermicidal jells, birth control pills, and whatever other birth-control methods are available on the pharmacy shelf these days. So having sex does not produce anything of the results a man can see, so he feels it was a missed opportunity to produce. Maybe “orgasms” is all that women want these days ... the want to have them more and more… this is the result they want. Men who help them have them, in multiples is “a stud,” men who are selfish and want to see her pregnant after they had sex… usually, don’t care if she had an orgasm or not. The results of his contribution is a 9 month of incubation of growth and a baby is the end result, who has his genes.

Men and women wear different badges these days.

Examples:

• Gay men are not interested in having babies with their partners… because they can’t do it without a woman.
• Gay women who are in relationships with their partners don’t have to worry about getting pregnant unless they chose to have a man donate his sperm. And they don’t have to compete with other women who may also have had sex with that same man at some point.
• Straight men and women are the only ones who are still willing to go the full journey and have a longterm relationship with a  person, of the opposite sex, of their choice.

It’s a complicated World we are creating for ourselves.        

So tell me What’s Love got to do with it

Falling in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever.
We cannot imagine not loving our new Love interest. It is a time of innocence,
and play time. Love seems eternal. It is a magical time when everything seems to be the perfect fit.
We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.
But then We start arguing more and more. We start questioning; why are we even together?

Only time will tell.

Oooh, wait! Then comes the summer of our love relationship when we realize
that is no longer our new love interest, it's not as perfect as we thought,
and we have to work on our relationship full time.
Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a human who makes
mistakes and is flawed in certain cases in many ways.

Frustration and disappointment arise; weeds (bad habits) need to be uprooted and plants
need extra watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give love and get the love we need.
We discover that we are not always happy, and we do not always feel loving.
It is not our picture of what “Love is.”

Many couples at this point become disillusioned. They do not want to work on a relationship,
that is flawed, and may not last. They unrealistically expect it to be springtime all the time.
They blame their partner unjustly for everything and begin to give up.
They do not realize that love is not always easy; sometimes it requires hard work under a hot sun.
Less than desired conditions. In the summer season of love, we need to nurture our partner’s
needs as well as ask for and get the love we need. It doesn’t happen automatically.
Our crazy idea is if it’s meant to be it will happen naturally.

As a result of tending the garden during the summer (hot and sticky conditions),
we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall (Autumn) has come. It is a golden time --
rich and full filling. Couples experience a more mature love that accepts and understand their partner’s imperfections as well as their own. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing.
Having worked hard during summer couples can relax and enjoy the fruits of their labor the love they have created. They have weathered the hard times

Write them a Love letter, if social media is not your thing.

I have FB friend who posted these and got me thinking.

These notes got me thinking about the FEAR of connecting with someone you admire.
Old schoolers found ways to connect using Love letters. Needless to say, you had to be able to write and express your passions and desires without scaring the other person, because you didn't have many other options. "you've got mail"  REALLY? Now your email arrival is sound on your phone, your face time just pops up and you accept the call or you reject it.  Think about your instant responses. They have a lasting effect on your connection with the person you are trying to connect with. note: a rejection does not say you are busy to call later. unless you specify that "now is not a good time." so here is the thing that gets people all bent out of shape about communication. I found out the hard way that....
 Knowing how to write a Healing letter is key to overcome misinterpretations.  

For example, understanding how your past affects your present reactions helps you heal your feelings. If your love interest has upset you in some way, write them a Love Letter, and while you are writing ask yourself how this relates to your past (feeling of being rejected). As you write you may find memories coming up from your past and discover that you are really upset with your own experiences. At this point continue writing but now address your letter to your love interest. Share this letter with that person. They will like hearing or seeing your letter. It feels great when the person you are interested in takes responsibility for the 90% of their hurt that comes from the past. without this understanding of our past, we tend to blame our Love interest, or at least they feel blamed. If you want the person you are focusing on to be more sensitive to your feelings, let them experience the painful feelings of your past rejections. Then they can understand your sensitivities. Love Letters are an excellent opportunity to connect with others.


  

So that love Letter brought you around, to thinking more like I do!

Life in the 21st century

Life in the 21st century is like riding in  a stationary cycle class,
You work up a sweat  but you pretty much stay the same play,
your body mileage-meter adds up the mileage but You are just exhausted and
that is about all you get out your efforts.

At the start of many romantic relationships… one does not have a clue as to where the relationship
is heading, or where it will end up. Many folks have their own plans for their futures, while others don’t.
Women (of the past) use to just hitch their wagon unto the guy they thought would lead them
to promise land.
But things have changed for many women, where they are the creators and leaders of their futures,
so they are not always hitching their wagons… because many guys don’t even have a plan as to
where they are going.

Real life example: I watched a young couple that lived across from my home in a small house the
husband was allowed to live in after his dad died. He was a son of a once upon a time affair,
not acknowledge as an heir, so his stepmom was ok with the housing arrangements because it
did not interfere with her daughters’ inheritance.
Dad made sure all of his daughter born in wedlock were taken care of even though some of them
didn’t have the future goals he intended for them. One had built a large home with a swimming pool,
on a lot he gave her, just before she got married but that marriage did not last.
Not sure what the other daughters did with their lives.

But the outside son and his wife started off very humble with their plans until they had a daughter.
Then suddenly the wife wanted more than he had to offer.
She accused the husband of not having any ambition. The enhancement he made to make
the little house when their daughter was born to make their living condition better... was no longer
adequate. And she started hounding him, so he insisted that she get a job. She did, and all changed.
She now had her own money and he had to spend his money on her and his daughter.
Her money was hers to do with as she chose. If he could not afford something she wanted he’d
better work overtime or hustle up the money on weekends some how.. Or she would start
an argument and storm out, and leave a for a few days taking his daughter with her.
Needless to say, that marriage ended in a divorce.
Now his freedom from her is him on a long leash.
She now uses his daughter to pull his chain…..

I Asked him how he is enjoying the single life.
And he grumbles an answer that you have to strain to hear his answer.   

The fact that he is not living the life that he meant to live is evident
because he hardly ever spends any time at home, his and her needs keep him hustling.

 

The harmony and the dreams you share in the beginning often get derailed by
life’s happenings after you commit! Every day I'm hustling!