These conversations can hurt more than you think.

I can't believe you just said that to me?

So can you take back what you said?  Can you erase the pain those words caused?

We are unable to have do-overs when the hurt is too great that the other person will most likely never forget how they felt when you said them. So why do couples fight during good times?

Our past feelings suddenly come up not just when we fall in love but at other times when we are feeling really good, happy, or even loving. At these positive times, couples may unexplainably fight when it seems as though they should be happy.

For example, a couple may fight when they move into a new home, redecorate, attend a function, a religious celebration, or a wedding, receive presents, go on a vacation or even a car ride, finish a project, celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving. At all of these special occasions, one or both partners may suddenly experience unexplained moods and reactions, the upset tends to be either before, during, or right after the occasion.

Final thoughts:

The 90/10 principle

By understanding how past unresolved feelings periodically surface, it is easy to understand why we can become so easily hurt by the person we love. When we get upset, about 90% of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally, only about 10% of our upset feelings are appropriate to the present experience.

For example: If our partner seems a little cynical of us, it may hurt our feelings a little. But because we are adults we are capable of understanding that they don’t mean to be cynical or critical or maybe that they had a bad day. Some of us will not take it personally. But on another day their criticism is very hurtful. On these days we are more vulnerable to criticism. It hurts more because it triggers our past feelings of similar things that hurt us. So we can't deal with the hurt and we overreact.
Let me share an example: If your partner seems a little extra critical unresolved feelings from your childhood are coming up because they are triggered.... you are easily interpreting your partner's rejection, and blame. Having adult discussions at these times is harder. Everything is misunderstood. When your partner seems cynical, 10% of your reaction relates to their effect of your reaction relates to their effect on you and 90% relates to your past. Imagine someone poking your arm a little or gently bumping into you. It doesn't hurt a lot. Now imagine you have an open wound or sore and someone starts poking at it or bumps into that area.... it hurts much more. In the same way, if unresolved feelings are coming up, we will be overly sensitive to the normal pokes and bumps of relating. Avoid LIVING in CONFUSION!