We want what we think we want

I will raise you up if I can

Being Too Focused on Looks Hurts Black Women
Being Too Focused on Looks Hurts Black men


  this subject matter affects us  all indirectly.    There has been much discussion on social media about the unrealistic standards that Black women have as far as their expectations in men... and vise versa.  Too be clear this isn’t about a man’s financial status.   Most men don’t have a problem with women wanting a man to at least have a job and resources.  Most Black men wouldn’t complain about Black women dealing with bums otherwise, unless they want that woman.   The unrealistic standard I’m talking about has to do with a man’s looks.   Many Black women are not satisfied with a man unless he is tall, handsome, muscular.  The men who do not visually meet this standard are generally rejected or ignored.

To be clear looks do matter.   I have always thought that.  I’ve also said that looks have to be balanced by other factors such as character and personality.   Also the reasons that many Black women’s standards are considered unrealistic is that while they may want a tall, handsome, in shape man, the women themselves may be not too great looking or overweight or both.   It’s realistic for a tall, beautiful, in shape woman to want an equally attractive mate.  Fair exchange is no robbery.  I don’t want to focus on that in this blog post.   There are other things to think about.

The issue with many Black women focusing too much on looks is that it is rare that they get the satisfaction that they are looking for be emotionally, spiritually, economically, and quiet as it is kept sexually.   Ultimately when a woman chooses a man she does so for the benefit she believes she will receive from him.    She doesn’t get the benefit and instead of dealing with a more average looking man who may be able to satisfy her on myriad levels she simply looks for another pretty boy.   This actually creates a dynamic where she creates a vicious cycle of rejection, causing dejection.

Close your eyes
and feel the K.I.S.S

The vicious cycle of rejection works like this.   Black women have their strongest desire for what I’ll term Pretty Men when they are young.  This is usually from puberty until their thirties although I have met many Black women in their fifties and sixties with a desire for Pretty Men.    What happens is that while the sistas are rejecting the average men, the Pretty Men are dogging them out.   Most women have negative experiences with the Pretty Men but like drug addicts they keep going back for another hit.  Instead of tapping their arms they tap their thighs.   Now some women learn their lesson and decide to give a different type of man a chance.   That’s when many women get rejected on a difference level.

Two general things happen with many of the average men that Black women reject when they are young.   The first thing is ironic in a way.   Many men who look average as a 25 year old look like hunks when they 35 years old.   Many men will hit the gym and develop more muscular physiques which actually will affect the structure of their faces as well.   Couple that with maybe a different haircut and that average man has women thinking they found another Pretty Man.   The problem is that the man who developed his looks remembers when Black women rejected him.   At that point he will either reject the Black women he encounters or if he deals with them he will dog them.    Many men don’t become players until their thirties.

A second thing that happens is that the man may not develop his looks but he will have developed the other aspects of his personality.   He will have developed his emotional maturity, his character, his economic standing, and as many women can attest, he can sexually satisfy a woman.   Funny thing though, some women may still reject him because he isn’t their (dream) Pretty Man.  The women choose style over substance.    Another factor is that like the Pretty Man, the average looking man with his stuff together may reject these women because they lack substance.