My sixth sense warned me, but I ignored it!

“It’s not you, it’s me.” this is always a statement that spells internal troubles. Understanding and accepting another person's negative feelings are difficult if your own negative feelings have not been resolved, about what you, as a man, want in a woman. The more we are able to heal our own unresolved issues from whenever stuff went wrong in our lives. The more resistance you have to the feeling of your inner pain, the more resistance you will have to listen to the feelings of others. If you feel impatient and intolerant when others express their issues, then this is an indicator of how you treat yourself.  By Trying to retrain ourselves we must re-parent-ourselves… when I heard elders say ” he has mommy issues” and she has “daddie issues” or “they have abandonment issues!”...We must acknowledge that there is an emotional person inside us-all who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a career parent to it.
We need to ask ourselves:

• What’s am I, really, feeling?
• What really happened to upset me, that my behavior has gone out of bounds?
• What am I angry about?
• What makes me feel so sad?
• What am I afraid of?
• What do I want?

When something has been frustrating us, we remain stuck feeling angry and annoyed even when our adult self says we should feel calm, and peaceful.

When something has bee disappointing, we remain stuck feeling sad and hurt, even when our adult self says we should feel enthusiastic happy and hopeful

When something has been upsetting, we remain stuck feeling afraid and worried even when our adult self says we should feel assured, confident, and grateful.

When something has been embarrassing, we remain stuck feeling sorry and ashamed, even when our adult self says we should feel secure, and wonderful.

A quick story of when I was new resident of Chicago Ill, I found this young woman from a Southern state, she was attending Northwestern University very appealing until one day…...I realized that she had major self-esteem issues. Her sense of self-worthiness was tied to her sexual appeal. Even though she was a fashion and merchandising major and was very attractive. She carried herself as if she was a hooker most of the time. So my sixth sense said leave this one alone… her issues are too much for you to handle. But I ignored my inner voice… Why? Simply because I was “Mr. fix it “ back then, I knew that under all of her self demeaning behavior there was a good person. Her name was Melody. She was just waiting for someone to make her feel good about herself.  Who was I kidding? At that point, my B.A.D. initials had just hit me. So I thought I could handle anything at least in my mind a B.A.D. Persona I could deal. As we were sitting outside on the step of her apt. in Evanston Ill., I found my eyes just could not keep from focusing on her ability to just show that she was a sex object just waiting for the right offers. SMDH! we engaged in a conversation that led to her telling me about her having gang sex with multiple dudes when she was a “cheerleader” in her senior year in high school. SHOCK! This was not what I was expecting to hear. Maybe because I was thinking why would she volunteer this kind of information. We just met….! Needless to say my interest in her dissolved instantly. But not totally…. because…. I still wonder what became of her.

How could you claim to understand me if

I don’t even understand myself?

Final thoughts

When a man feels attracted to a woman and is suddenly hit with her past, we become angry and resentful, and can’t focus on expressing love and understanding.

• How can a man give someone the support they need when their behaviors are telling you they don’t want to even try to undo, the painting they have painted for you, which is what is destroying their self-worth.
• How does a man find it in his heart to accept the other person's imperfections if, he, himself feels he had to be perfect to be worthy of love?
• How can you listen to your new person of interest painful feelings if no one listened to yours?
• How can you ignore or forgive if you were not forgiven for deeds you engaged in your past.

Let’s face it many men.... at some point in time engaged, if not in a real situation at least a fantasy of threesomes, Gang banging or something that we would not want to admit to a church going woman.

We are living in a World where we are conflicted because we want some level of purity from our potential mate. We are asking women to be “ virtuous,” if not necessarily virgins,  while we, as men, have spent the night in a sex workers room until the next morning, and bragged about this kind of behavior the next day to our “BOYZ!”

Our double and triple standards have us living in constant internal conflict.

The answer to all of these issues is the same… do NOT  expect others to be perfect if you are not perfect. Review your own package that you bring to the table and don't be hypocrites.