Your experience is not the other person’s experience.

It says here in my book that we are not compatible
unless we are of different cultures!

Women who can’t find loving relationships in their own cultures, usually Justify why they have crossed over. OK, men do it also… but men usually don’t care as much about what others think of their choices.

Not all of the  men of your culture wll treat you the way…. you are describing your unfortunate  experiences, and generalizing. SMDH.

While  watching some videos on Youtube I came across  this one and it caught my attention. The first young lady prefers Caucasian men… there is nothing wrong with that… especially if they treated her well...enough to her satisfaction, but describing her experiences with her own black men she is generalizing that all black men might treat her…. not the way she wants to be treated. Whereas the other young lady of a Latina culture says that black men treat her better. Hmmmm! Could it be that they all started out with the wrong ideas of how they would be treated, by their own?

I’m just saying… we all know that men like trophies, you see I got one and she is way better than what I would have had if I stuck with my own culture. <smirking>

In a culture where Latina women are more desired than black women, it’s the Latina trophy that men are seeking. In a culture where white men can find an attractive black woman and she represents what he is looking for but she may not have found a perfect match in her own culture, she becomes the trophy that he is looking for. NOT all men of culture do things the same way or want the same kind of women. I could not help but observe how the first young lady’s body language changed a few times as she was listening to the Latina describe how black men treat her better, and that Latino men are all cheaters and she was not willing to put up with that.  Her body language was telling me…. she was resenting that black men treat the Latina women better than they had treated her.

Women always find themselves justifying why they prefer a man of another culture,
almost like they feel like they have to defend their choices while bashing the men of their own culture.
Like I have often said: if you don’t like your own you may have to tell why they are not worthy
of your time. But if you resent that they treat someone else of a different culture better than they
do you then you may have to ask yourself what are you doing or not doing that makes
your experiences not what you want. OK it could just be BAD luck…. (shrugging my shoulders)

All men of the same culture are not created equal. Just like all women of a culture are not created
equal either, our taste in mates differ. Our choices and preferences come in to play.

You will never be totally happy if what you are looking for is because what
your experience has been in your past, new experiences will not be the same as your past.
The only reason you may chose to cross the street, the train tracks, the border, or leave,
the city, the county, the state, or even the Country to find what you think you want culturally
that is not your own …. It’s because you are not going to be happy with your own kind,
maybe not even happy with yourself.

Final thoughts

Being a man who grew up in a very diverse culture and was educated in two different melting pots,
worked in environments where I was the only black face in my department.
I have experienced many cultures….some I might even prefer over others and maybe even my own….  
But my preferences have to do with people not their cultures necessarily.
But whoever is of your culture when you are growing up, or you have relocated and are now living
in a diverse environment, or you find yourself working in a melting pot, you will develop preferences.
We as people will always see the grass as greener on the other side!   
Take care of your own lawn and you will see it as green as that of your neighbors!

I'm Not dealing with her because she had sex with two men at the same time

Oooh wow, speaking of having double standards. Men fantasize about having “threesomes” with two women, who are willing to work together to satisfy him “The King between the sheets”

But if a woman had sex with two men (at the same time) all bets are off. She becomes  “Persona Non-Grata”

Why are we men such freaking hypocrites?

I can see you ladies shaking your heads while watching the video and reading this post.

Men will not even consider dating a woman who had sex with two dudes at the same time
We can’t handle it if she is able to compare us to another man, and if she is able to talk about
it with her friends the next day, oooh hell! That can’t happen!
So throughout history, a Queen would still have to have been in a monogamous relationship to

but will jump into bed with two women instantly.  And even be willing to talk about
t their experience with great pride and details, to their friends.

Well, there is a good reason why men can’t deal with having a relationship with,

a woman who had sex with two guys at the same time.

It’s mainly because we men have performance anxieties in front of other men.

OK women very seldom, I should say most likely will never,  
fess up to having been with two men at the same time.
She will not have a locker room conversation about her night on the wild side with two guys.
This is because women are discrete about things like that.
Men want to boast about their experiences.
Which can cause the women to be ashamed if names are mentioned….or if, let’s,
say a video was created of her with two men. Men will have no problem if a video is created of a man
with two women as long as the angle makes, the man looks like he is  “the king between the sheets”
and both women are calling him Zeus or Appolo. Or Mufasa, but not Simba. <smiling>
That might make him look a cub too small.

Guys have ownership issues, women may have then also…
but guys being hunters like to showcase their catch. OK, two women at the same time make him
“a hunter with general credentials,” the BOSS. The King, an Emperor even.

be considered a Queen. Whereas she is a lady of high standards,
but she can’t enjoy commanding two dudes to perform pleasurable acts on her.
Because a woman who can deal with two guys at the same time is never anything
other than a sex worker…. In most men’s eyes Strictly good for target practice….. only.

This is still a Man's World and a woman is still subjected to a man’s approval of disapproval.

Like some young dudes might say “I Have not had a threesome,
YET but I’m going to!”

I’m trying to picture a young woman saying  
“I’m having a threesome with a guy and another female” Or worst yet
“I’m going to have a threesome with two dudes at the same time!”

Oooh, wait!

What?  

My guess is not many.

Compliment what she does!

Send her roses just because!

My dad would have sent you flowers, but I’m only into you for a one-night stand!

Old schoolers behaved like gentlemen, or did they really? Wait! What?  Who really does that?  

When a man compliment’s a woman he: magnifies her strengths, and never her weakness, so then he has actually a good chance of reaching her heart….   

Love songs that were written to touch a woman’s hearts and sell recordings have faded…. and rap songs have replaced them in the worst ways. Is it because previous generations have not demonstrated the way, we men did things, for the women we were “chasing.” And once we stopped “the chase” we became the dud that never showed women that they are appreciated. “Papa was a rolling stone”  didn’t really have a good set of lyrics because it identified that men rolled along hitting and moving on. Where do you think rap lyrics like “ bang it to the curve” originated. Guys these days have no (zero) respect for women and women have less respect for themselves and even have disdain for men. The nice things that gentlemen did…. have just not been shown to these younger flawed relationships we now see. Women driving and cursing the car in front of them with the “F” bombs and whatever foul stuff that comes out of their mouths, sure as hell does not command respect, from her kids, and folks observing them.  I used to think that I’m somewhat responsible for the way my sons treat women. Maybe I can take some credit, but their mother surely can take credit because of how she made them “respect her.” Today ’s woman frustrated with her kids waiting for a bus, in the heat of the day does not have the patience to be nice when she is frustrated and hates the fact that her baby daddies are not stepping up to the plate and taking responsibilities for their offsprings. He has a car but she has to take the bus. And she hates him for putting her in that position. So now her offsprings will have attitude issues.

So where am I going with this? I’m identifying where the problems started.

Bill Withers was not the guy I would emulate. He had a beautiful wife Denise Nicholas. (she starred in TV series: "room 222," and "in the heat of the night")  He had great hits back-in-the-day but in his personal life, he was a woman abuser. The songs were a complete contradiction to what he did to his woman. Maybe he did “send her…. roses just because” in the beginning and sang about the “just the two of us” after he hit her.

Marvin Gay was not the guy I would emulate either.  Songs like “Let’s get it on” and   ”sexual healing” He also had violent tendencies… he would beat the female vocalist who sang love songs with him, he died because his Dad shot him and killed him during an argument they had. Fatherly love!

These are just two examples that I can use that tell a different story, from their public personas.  We sometimes ask “where has love gone…” I can tell you love was fiction back-in-the-day. It was seldom real…. So the fact that relationships were never what they seemed is causing the next generations to emulate all the bad stuff they saw from the previous generations.

OK, you want more? James Brown “I’m black and I’m proud” was not so proud of his actions and abuse against women.

Jim Brown..football HOFer and movie hero. Once threw an actress girlfriend out of a hotel window. When she landed in the swimming pool, his comment was “I didn’t know there was a pool down there.” hmm speaks volumes about his intentions.

Oooh, wait! what about “William Cosby” he was a cool and smooth daddy figure on TV, and in movies, who had to resort to drugging women to have sex with them (rape). He was an actor/comedian he did need to drug women, Oooh, wait he was married! Well maybe “Drugged women” do not remember to call your wife, maybe they were too scared, to tell what you did. Their memories come back years later and then they came after him in numbers, once the realized they were not the only ones he drugged. And now he is in a jail cell almost blind waiting to die in prison.

So now we  wonder about a 50+ year old  R Kelly ”My mind is telling me, no, but my body is telling me Yes”  this is telling a story of how he could not keep his hands off of young girls instead of having relationships with grown women who could defend themselves or bring charges against him, for not having their consent. Young girls can’t give concent  (in the eyes of the laws, it’s statutory rape) so he decided he didn’t need concent.

SMDH. Previous generations of stars have not made it easy for younger guys to emulate good behaviors.   

FINAL thoughts

Heartbreaking and sickening...behaviors is not what men with good characters display to their sons. They become what you as grown men should be the least proud of. Donald Trump did not want his first born son to be named after him, His words “ what if he becomes a looser” well guess what he is exactly what you were afraid of Donald Trump, a copy of you as is his younger brother is too, so you are two for two in the losers department.   

Social Media makes it easier, to share the good news!I

I have compassion because I know how it feels!

“When you really matter to someone, that person will always make time for you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises”

When I read the above statement it got me thinking about how much easier it has become to stay in touch with people that you may not see that often…. I have moved multiple times each time losing contact with friends, and even family who I had good - even great relationships with. Well, these days I have to admit that Social Media has helped me stay in touch with many folks I would have lost touch with, and even connected with new friends. Here is what I strongly believe picture <me Smirking>: “ Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card, how you leave others feeling after having an experience with you becomes your trademark.”

Many folks like to live private lives, I’m one of them. But I have come to grips with the facts that Social Media makes almost every relationship public knowledge, but it can leave it private if you choose. “If your relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it” depending on if it’s, good or BAD.  secret relationships are almost always not good, I hesitate to say bad in this case.

Friendships, have building blocks, it starts off with a foundation, over time the structure is built, sometimes with a plan that two people agreed on, sometimes with a plan that one of the two used to keep in touch and keeps it going, other types of relationships just happen, because we get alerted that we started a relationship with a person, and had it not been for social media you would have lost contact, or not even have made contact at all.  Go figure that some folks see social media as an intruder into their lives while others see it as a way to share so much more than we would normally be sharing with your loved one your friends and even strangers, that now can become friends with you just by requesting your friendship on FB, follow you on Instagram, Twitter….. You find out what you have in common, you dialogue about your likes and dislikes, you share opinions… sometimes you unfriend someone who may annoy you at a particular time. But that doesn’t mean you dislike the person, just that their comments come at you at the wrong time. But because the way they made you feel you unfriended them.  Think about it if they shared stuff with you that was fruitful you gained something that you didn’t have knowledge about that you would not have received had you not been in contact with them. OK, I’ve had friends that I snoozed them from time to time for 30 days and then even longer. Simple because I was in a bad mood when they posted something that irritated me. However then when social media makes them active in my stream again that person may be the reason “I smiled that day.” I instantly remember what I ’ve learned over time “the difference between connection and attachment. Connection gives you power, attachment sucks the life out of you!”  

OK, I’m not trying to be dramatic here but “when two givers indulge in a connection, it’s like magic. It’s alchemy. I water you, you water me, we never drain each other, we just grow.”

“One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that your presence and your absence both mean something to someone!”

Here is what social media has done it has reconnected relationships between people. You were once connected on some level, you snoozed them and they don’t even know that you have done it. Then social media reactivates them in your stream and your connection has been reactivated and your friend does not even know that you were irritated by a comment they made 30 days or more ago. That’s the Magic of “what you don’t know will not hurt you!”

It used to be that we had to remember: “If they miss you, they’ll call, if they want you, they’ll say it, if they care they’ll show it.”

So knock Social media if you want. If you don’t want to be bothered disconnect for a period of time and see how long you start feeling like you are missing out on what others share with you, and others.

“Everyone has inside them a piece of good news. The good news is you don’t know how great you can be. How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is.”

So in closing let me just leave you with this “What good news do you have to share today?”

“If you never venture beyond what you know…. You’ve spawned your own limitations”

~ Summer Redstone.

by writing and sharing this blog post I might be affecting a friendship… hmmm, who knows!

You can try to psychoanalyze others if you want

If it was easy to psychoanalyze someone,  everyone would be doing it. I’m not that difficult to understand, but I am complex, at times, this is why my B.A.D. initials are so fitting.  So why would you want to go to some much trouble to psychoanalyze me, in the first place?

This is never an easy conversation to have with someone you ’ve just met and feeling attracted to them…..  When we feel like we need to get a good feeling for moving forward getting to know your new acquaintance, we want to play  Sigmon Freude, and look for key components as to what makes the other person tick. I’ve been known to confuse women just by telling them my name. They quickly jump to conclusion that I’m Latino, ( yes I can dance Salsa and Bachata.) but when I tell a woman that I was born Dutch and I’m also a U.S. citizen, they look at me funny. Like they instantly don’t believe me, those are strange combinations. Ooh, and your initials are B.A.D. too? Shaking Their Heads. It should make for interesting conversation, but most often women act skeptical because the piece to this puzzle doesn’t fit their typical norms.  

When I fess up that ‘I’m really an Open book.’ I can see the wheels turning in the other person head. If I try to explain instead of pretending, the truth eventually ends up erupting out of me like a volcano. People who have known me for years still sometimes become confused when they try to study me.

Most people grow up in a culture where almost everyone is most like them. They speak the same languages or at least one common language. I speak multiple languages and my exposure to multiple cultures have made me very diverse, in my thinking and my behavior. Telling someone that where I’m originally from is where most kids speak 4 languages by the time they begin first grade. So how is that even possible? So you understand every one of those 4 languages and their cultures, also? Yeah, why is that such a surprise?

I have this art theory that humans are just living, breathing, talking forms of art, each crafted with a different technique and carved out of different materials. Each beautiful in their own way. And sure, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and totally subjective, and changes depending on your circumstances, Yada-yada-yada… but most of the time, it’s pretty easy to classify people.

Like, okay, you know those women who are gorgeous and never act as they know it? Or the men who pass quietly through life, handsome and unnoticed, never begging for attention or seeking recognition?  

Those folks I classify as your watercolors.  

And the loud, vivacious, gorgeous-and-they-know-it creatures, with bright lipstick and closets full of bold colors and outfits they never wear twice? Are in my view Acrylics.  

The graceful, elegant, aging beauties you pick out in the crowd, or across the cafe, the lines on their faces telling a story you know you’d want to hear, with so many layers and smudges, twist and turns, you’re not even sure where they begin? Are Charcoals.

Then you’ve got the big-picture-beautiful people, with the collection of interesting features that together make a beautiful face. They’re your oil paintings---- best seen from ten feet away and, at the end of the day, kind of funny looking if you lean closer and analyze all their elements separately.

Sculptures

And then there are those who are chiseled into perfection over the course of years until stories could be written about their eyebrows.

 And then there’s me.

Well, I’m probably a finger-painting. Done by a three-year-old… without supervision, messy but created with love.

Final thoughts

My point is when my eyes see a person as art, I can’t help but analyze what it is I’m seeing.  And since I’m a deeply flawed human, with no control over how someone will react to me, when they meet me. I’m usually a Distraction, because I’m Art created by a three- year old which is different,  and when I speak I sound like an ominous noise rumbling at times.. Until I clear my throat. This can confuse someone!

Dating or living with a woman with children, who are not yours.

I can't wait for your kids to move in with us. REALLY!

As a man, I think that men need to select women that they can relate to on multiple levels, if a woman has children, that’s a very import part of her life. She comes to you as a package. Men who don’t want to raise another man’s children, need to leave these women alone. Don’t chase her don’t pursue her if you know that you will have a problem with her children and who the children’s daddy is etc.  Yeah, it is that simple! Because the damage you could do may not be reversible. Don’t get me wrong if you are living a life where you are all about what you want, you can’t have children in your life. She will need to dedicate her important time to her children and your time with her one VS one will be minimized. Don’t try to force her to choose between you and her children. If she is the woman you want then her children should also be the children you want, as part of the package.

I’ve been fortunate to have been with two women, back to back who had children the first one had 3 sons. Being a father of two sons I had no problem stepping into the role of being a stepfather figure and a bit of a mentor to her sons.

Most boys don't need spankings they need mentors.

They really respected me. I taught her middle son to play soccer because he wanted to spend more quality time with me, and her youngest son felt safest when I was around… her eldest son lived mostly with his dad and his wife, so I saw him only on weekends. But him and my sons, when they visited me for the holiday, hung out together and got along great. So we became a blended family so to speak. But the relationship didn’t last. So I moved on to a mother of two lovely girls, next. I had zero experience raising girls, at that point. But when their mother decided to move into my home, her daughters came to live me/us. They had their own rooms they felt at home within a short period of time. Even though I loved the girls and they liked me a lot. I felt their Mom wanted more than I was willing to give up too soon in the relationship. She wanted me to adopt the youngest one, but not the eldest one if and when we got married. I wasn’t ready to jump the broom,  after just having to exit a previous relationship, and had a longterm marriage prior to meeting her. So once again this relationship didn’t work out either. I take some responsibility for that, I had unresolved issues, that I had not worked out yet. In listening to Michael Baisden in his video… It got me thinking part of what the problem for me was it’s never the women’s children, that made me pause. It was the women wanting a commitment too soon. I wanted to be the one to make the choice as to when to commit, not wanting to have multiple failed marriages. Women need to not bum rush a man, whom they think, they want... Just because he fits what they want in a man and him being nice to her children. I still regret that neither of those two relationships when the distance because I missed the children most, after the breakups. As a dad, I miss my own sons, like crazy but they are grown men now, with their own lives and women in their lives, but we text each other also daily. I think part of the attraction was that I love children, even if they were not mine. They are a blessing that we all need in our lives. So take it from a guy who has seen how easily children can become attached to you, try your best to not reject them because of your selfish needs.

.

Leave her alone if you are not willing to change diapers

When men talk to women we get a difference perspective.

I have learned over the years that A woman who reads is like a jewel in a Tiffany box. Once you engage her in a discussion you will be totally amazed at what a treasure you have just discovered. A woman who spends much time reading is the type of women you can have a conversation with, for hours at a time.

Are those dimples I see, when you smile? 
Please allow me to introduce myself!

Ask not the title of the book she holds, Ask if she would share some of the knowledge she has gained from what she has read, with you. OK, I kind of like how that makes me sound like have something that I can contribute to the conversation. My favorite  University Professor once told my classmates and me “ If you are the smartest guy in the room then you are in the wrong room!” I never forgot that statement he was not only my Systems Analyst professor, but also a Wall Street executive that I became friends with as I work on  Wall Street also. He only taught evening classes, so he had real business experience and knowledge to share with us. We would often ride the train together uptown for 6 pm. I digress, there for a second.

If I learned anything from Dr. David Pope it was to listen and engage smart people in conversation as often as you could.

Those days taught me this very valuable lesson on hope looking to the horizon. " never become too comfortable in Happiness that you forget the struggles, remember that happiness became an "option" as a result of a need for better options!  

Why do we need partners?

Honey our partnership will work well if we plan our moves while on vacation. 

 

I’m sure many of you have experienced the partnership paradox before:
It’s easier to tackle life’s up and downs with someone else having a stake in the things you have to accomplish…(I can only speak for myself) as a man,
but it’s hard to form a great relationship these days!
What to do, if you can’t find a perfect match?  
Well, when you meet someone and you feel a connection may be a connection of the souls.
Or it is just chemistry? Only time will tell. You figure it out:

One person has a no B.S. policy
Just say what you want,
and let’s get to work on making it a team effort.
Don’t let your pent-up frustrations (from yesteryear) lead to the negativity
that can damage our teamwork. Try to keep negative emotions out of it -
many of our joint decisions do not require heavy duty emotions
(OK that may a guy’s way of  thing)


(women can think of at least half a million things, off the top of their heads instantly)
The other person. Thinks there are a million right ways to do things ( they are right).

Your partner might want to do things differently than you would, but the outcome could be the
same - the job gets done if you work together.
Don’t second-guess each other, at every turn because that can be very damaging to the
relationship.

A lifetime of harmony is hard enough- it’s even harder if you were to do it alone. <smirking>
The complementing of each other in partnership should produce a satisfying result.

Example: Where do you go to relax and unwind after a hard day, week, month, quarter, year?

Doing it with someone who likes the same type of relaxation can be very rewarding.

I personally like not having to travel for hours on a plan anymore.
No first class seats will make me want to jump on a plane to fly around the World just to sit on
a beach.
This is why I moved. If you want what I want then I’m already at the location.
If you just want to visit then I’m there already, come on down!  
I’ve figured out a little over 15 years ago that I could do what I want by being in a place which grants options that are already in place. Fresher air, clean turquoise waters.

“NO more snow, no Ice, no more freezing cold weather. I'm done with that mess.

Tell me again why where you live is greater than where I live.”